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Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #111
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    My head is racing with thoughts - what if there is still something that is worth fighting for? I was prepared and behaved like she is sure of not wanting to be with me but it looked like she wasn't 100%. We hugged and she cried and she was sad - how can all that not mean anything? I guess I wanted her to feel that I am strong and am ok with whatever happens - but I am not - I guess at least not yet. I want to contact her so badly and ask why we are doing this and why we don't just try to work it out slowly :(
    I remember crying pretty hard when I broke up with my first real long-term boyfriend. I knew it meant that my life was going to change a lot (we lived together and were very integrated in each others' lives) and I felt terrible for hurting him. It wasn't a mutual break-up, and the knowledge that I was causing him pain and couldn't make it go away was very difficult. But I knew it was the right thing to do.

    In other words, tears don't necessarily mean someone regrets their decision to end it. It means she cares about you and doesn't want to hurt you, but knows you're hurting all the same. Goodbyes can be intensely emotional for all involved.

  2. 09-11-2019, 04:07 PM

  3. #112
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    So it's been almost two weeks since I last saw her. Went on a couple dates and in the first week I felt like life is ok and going on. Meeting people let me not think about her constantly so that helped but the last two days have been horrible - started dreaming of her and miss her terribly all of a sudden again. Would love to reach out and tell her even though I know it's not a good idea.

  4. #113
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Maybe try something aside from dating to get your mind off it? I get that instinct—oh, do I—but experience has taught me that it's a bit like treating a broken bone only my taking morphine instead of setting it in a cast.

  5. #114
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    How much else can I do? Threw myself into work and went to a different country each weekend. Yesterday I was with friends in France but still could not think of anything else besides her. Makes me crazy. I want to stop but don't know how. How do you guys steer thoughts?

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  7. #115
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    Time is the ultimate healer, OP.

    Sometimes we really just need to sit with those uncomfortable thoughts and process them. Eventually, they diminish.

  8. #116
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    What MissCanuck said.

    Learning to just sit with uncomfortable thoughts, instead of running to France to escape them, is a real skill. As is learning to live along voids left by people, so the edges can soften and close on their own, rather than trying to find a new person—or the old person—to fill them pronto. It's in those moments—tough, but vital—where we come a bit further into ourselves and grow a few inches emotionally.

    Don't get me wrong. Work, friends, travel, the gym—all that can be great, as distractions have their place. But they can't only be distractions. You have to move through stuff rather than around it, and certainly not back into it, if that makes sense. Time is your buddy right now. Time is on your side. Trust that, steer your thoughts to that idea.

    Big picture: You've spent very little of your adult life being single, meaning not being with someone, getting over someone, or pursuing someone new, in some shape or form. I think the lines between those compartments are a little blurry. This can be a good time to shore up the walls between those states of being by finding a new state of being, one that is ultimately better suited for the kind of connections (within, with others) that you really want out of the business of living and loving.

    Emotional maturity is essentially understanding that every feeling is something that passes. A high, a low, etc.—these are not constant states, ever, but temporary states. They don't all need to be reacted to, but just felt in order to give way to new feelings.

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