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Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #91
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    Yeah I need to change my mindset. Trying my best - went out yesterday and had a good time with friends.

    It was just not this black and white to me so far as it seems to be to you guys. Once I told her that I want this to work out again I was under the assumption that she will come back from her trip, take a couple days and think and then we talk about what she came up with - just like how we discussed it before she went away. I always thought the goal of all of this was to figure out and fix her "problem" (her words) so I waited eagerly for her to tell me out loud what her thinking lead to. When she wrote me the message last week that she is back my head started spinning for no logical reason and I just went into this spiral of trying to find positive clues in her texts.
    But I guess she already has made up her mind and also told me about it just not with words but with her behavior and that's what made me think it's witchy even though it's in fact not.

    So far we agreed on her coming to my place tomorrow (she said it's because it's more relaxed there with her living with flatmates but I think it's so she can leave when she wants to - which is understandable and I just said that she should bring whatever she can find of my stuff). I noticed that parts of me would like to see her place for a last time though. I know it would probably make this harder for me however and am not sure why I would like that - is that normal?
    Last edited by TestTest; 09-08-2019 at 12:16 PM.

  2. #92
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    It's not black and white to us OP. We know it sucks. We've been there. The advice we are giving is to help your situation improve. Any fluff talk from us or friends is the last thing you need.

    Small steps. Sounds like you are on right track now.

  3. #93
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    So far we agreed on her coming to my place tomorrow (she said it's because it's more relaxed there with her living with flatmates but I think it's so she can leave when she wants to - which is understandable and I just said that she should bring whatever she can find of my stuff). I noticed that parts of me would like to see her place for a last time though. I know it would probably make this harder for me however and am not sure why I would like that - is that normal?
    I think going to her place would be a big mistake. You would be going into it already emotional, knowing it's the last time you'd be there, and it would certainly influence how you feel when you're talking to her. It would trigger too many memories for you and make the whole situation that much harder. It's just not a good idea.

    It's better that she's coming to yours, under the circumstances, though I still think you're going to find this conversation very difficult.

    To answer your question, yes, what you're feeling is normal. Break-ups are awful and knock you sideways. Dumpees look for ways to stay connected while dumpers tend to want more distance. It's a painful dance that slowly gets less painful over time, as you work towards acceptance and have less contact with her.

  4. #94
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    She just left and it went ok - it was nice seeing her but it was tough. We talked about her trip and then about our situation. I tried to hold my head high and just told her that I realized what I did wrong and that I can't blame her for anything. She started crying and I realized this is also not easy for her. I gave her her things and she mentioned the money on her own and that she will pay me back in pieces and wants to also reimburse me for the flights. She mentioned things she forgot to bring and that we could meet in a couple weeks to exchange them. I told her that's not a good idea and that I will block her and her friends' FB and Instagram to make it easier for me. I also said that if she contacts me I need it to be because she figured out what she wants (besides emergencies obviously - I told her that if she is ever in need of something that I can help her with then she should let me know)

    Well it sucks - she looked beautiful and even wore the bracelet I gave her as a gift before her trip. I did not want her to leave but it makes no sense holding onto something that isn't real anymore. I am sad and crying right now.

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  6. #95
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    She just left and it went ok - it was nice seeing her but it was tough. We talked about her trip and then about our situation. I tried to hold my head high and just told her that I realized what I did wrong and that I can't blame her for anything. She started crying and I realized this is also not easy for her. I gave her her things and she mentioned the money on her own and that she will pay me back in pieces and wants to also reimburse me for the flights. She mentioned things she forgot to bring and that we could meet in a couple weeks to exchange them. I told her that's not a good idea and that I will block her and her friends' FB and Instagram to make it easier for me. I also said that if she contacts me I need it to be because she figured out what she wants (besides emergencies obviously - I told her that if she is ever in need of something that I can help her with then she should let me know)

    Well it sucks - she looked beautiful and even wore the bracelet I gave her as a gift before her trip. I did not want her to leave but it makes no sense holding onto something that isn't real anymore. I am sad and crying right now.
    Nice Work OP
    Endings are sad but new beginnings are exciting and full of possibility, you will do great

  7. #96
    Originally Posted by TestTest
    She just left and it went ok - it was nice seeing her but it was tough. We talked about her trip and then about our situation. I tried to hold my head high and just told her that I realized what I did wrong and that I can't blame her for anything. She started crying and I realized this is also not easy for her. I gave her her things and she mentioned the money on her own and that she will pay me back in pieces and wants to also reimburse me for the flights. She mentioned things she forgot to bring and that we could meet in a couple weeks to exchange them. I told her that's not a good idea and that I will block her and her friends' FB and Instagram to make it easier for me. I also said that if she contacts me I need it to be because she figured out what she wants (besides emergencies obviously - I told her that if she is ever in need of something that I can help her with then she should let me know)

    Well it sucks - she looked beautiful and even wore the bracelet I gave her as a gift before her trip. I did not want her to leave but it makes no sense holding onto something that isn't real anymore. I am sad and crying right now.
    Good job! It's hard. It's depressing. It sucks. It sounds like it went about as good as it could have for you. Now you can focus on healing and moving on. Good luck, OP.

  8. #97
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    She just left and it went ok - it was nice seeing her but it was tough. We talked about her trip and then about our situation. I tried to hold my head high and just told her that I realized what I did wrong and that I can't blame her for anything. She started crying and I realized this is also not easy for her. I gave her her things and she mentioned the money on her own and that she will pay me back in pieces and wants to also reimburse me for the flights. She mentioned things she forgot to bring and that we could meet in a couple weeks to exchange them. I told her that's not a good idea and that I will block her and her friends' FB and Instagram to make it easier for me. I also said that if she contacts me I need it to be because she figured out what she wants (besides emergencies obviously - I told her that if she is ever in need of something that I can help her with then she should let me know)

    Well it sucks - she looked beautiful and even wore the bracelet I gave her as a gift before her trip. I did not want her to leave but it makes no sense holding onto something that isn't real anymore. I am sad and crying right now.
    Bravo. Really feeling for you, and really feeling you. I know you're in pain, but you sound more honest right now—about your own feelings, and the situation—than you have in your other posts. That's no small thing. Kind of the biggest thing, in my opinion, and the thing to hold on to as you let this go.

  9. #98
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    Well done OP. You are on the right track. Now you've let go, each day the pain will diminish until it vanishes altogether.

  10. #99
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    Please keep them coming 😄
    Feels good hearing what I did was the right thing.
    Hope you don't mind me using this thread to somehow protocol how I feel and what I am going through.

    Still lying in bed and my head is spinning. I have to think about questions I did not ask and still don't understand why we had to break up when we could have worked on the things that bothered her. She just said it still feels like the right decision to her (while crying) but I can't understand that right now. Why not try and see if it got better? Why throw everything away when it is obviously hard for both of us?

    Guess that's how a moment of weakness feels like - got to stay strong and trust that what I said yesterday was all I could do.

  11. #100
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    Ok I am really struggling to not contact her and ask her about my open questions. Can you even get closure by asking more questions though?

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