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Thread: How to go from break up during a break to back together

  1. #1
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    How to go from break up during a break to back together

    Hi everyone,

    after a couple of days of trying to cope with my situation, I am desperate to hear the opinion of other people on how I should behave before I do something stupid.
    So here it goes:
    I (M32) met a girl (27) six months ago after "only" a 2 month period after a pretty long relationship (~10years).
    I felt ready though as the relationship has not been good in the end for quite some time and we were good roommates and friends but not lovers anymore.
    So I started dating this new girl and it was awesome. Only downside was, that she had to spend time away for university after only 3 weeks of getting to know her.
    She left for 3 weeks then was back 5 then left for 7 then came back for 5 and left again for 2.
    It was hard being the one staying home and "waiting", but I tried to stay positive and looked forward to seeing her again - we messaged each other daily while she was gone.
    After her last trip she came back and something felt different though. She didn't look forward to seeing me as much as she used to after her trips.
    After another 3 weeks of being with her and right before she had to leave for her last ever trip of 2 weeks, she told me that she does not know what is going on but that she does not feel the same way about me anymore.
    She apparently still feels attracted to me but it is different to how it was and it bothers her. She said she knows that she is the problem here but she just can't tell me why she feels this way.
    We decided to take a break, for her to focus and find out what it is.
    Having no contact ruined me though and one week in I asked her to call me. After a nice conversation we inevitably got to the point where we discussed the situation we are in and she said that she can't tell me any more than the last time we spoke. At this point I told her that I can't just sit around like being on tenterhooks and that we better break up for real and she should contact me once she figures out what's going on with her. We both were sad and hung up.
    This was last week and so far I have not heard anything from her - it drives me crazy not knowing what she thinks and how she feels. I know she is busy with uni and has tons of people around her that distract her, but I still want this to work out and don't know what to do.

    I hoped that it had all to do with her simply being stressed with work, uni and needing time to process all the impressions she got during her last trip to Japan (they have this amazing course where they go to Sweden, the US and Japan in one semester).
    But after reading on the Internet for hours, I also got the impression that we have a classic anxious-avoidant relationship with me being anxious and overly clingy (I'd even say I feel codependent and assume I got this way because I never had a "normal" time with her but only these short "sprints" in between her times away that made me try to squeeze as much time together as I possibly could out of the time she was here). So I can understand that she might have started to feel different.
    I want to improve myself and stop being this way, but right now I want nothing more than to know if it is worth keeping my hopes up that once she's back we can make this work again. The uncertainty is killing me - especially because I am (at least I think) so deeply in love with her.
    No contact is apparently the best way (or is it?), but it feels wrong to not talk to her as I want to tell her about the understanding I now have and that I am willing to change the dynamic. Also I'd love to hear her perspective. We planned a week long trip at the end of September that I am not even sure if i should cancel or not.
    She has things from me at her place and I have stuff from her. So am I just going to hold still and wait for her to get back and contact me again about all of this? Or is no contact the wrong thing in this situation - there are contradicting theories out there. Even thought about asking a friend of hers that is with her right now if he could tell me if she said anything and whether he believes I should wait it out. I am really confused, exhausted and want her to be back with me.

    Looking forward to hearing what you have to say - maybe someone can help me through this.

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    Sorry to hear this. It sounds on/off at best. She may not have the heart to tell you she would rather be free and single while having fun traveling, studying abroad etc. You as well would be better off resolving your previous heartache and if ready, start dating local girls. Are you still friends or roommates with your previous lover?

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    I moved out straight away when the relationship with my ex ended. We do text from time to time but it really is just like with any distant friend I have.
    So far I always assumed that I am completely over her and that there are no things to resolve - but maybe I am wrong.

    I get that she likes the travelling and all but that is soon coming to an end with this being her last trip. After that she is supposed to write her thesis and start working. This is actually one of the reasons I "blamed" it all on her stress level: her student life is coming to an end and she is on the brink of a new chapter which might scare her. Maybe this all came down on her during her last trip. That is why I was open to the break in the beginning, because it sounded like she honestly wanted to figure stuff like this out (she also said however that she will probably not be able to think much about this during her time away as she will be so busy (which I kinda get coming from someone with avoidant tendencies but still find unempathetic)).
    To the "being free" point: She even said that I never restricted her in any way. She is a "local" girl in that sense - timing was far from perfect with this crazy semester and so much time away though.

    i also have to say that it probably did not help that I basically had to move in with her for two weeks straight after her trip to Japan (was due to some complicated reasons with work) during which she even told me that it is too much for her. I offered to give her space but she responded with that I should honor my agreement with my employer and stay.

  4. #4
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    I moved out straight away when the relationship with my ex ended. We do text from time to time but it really is just like with any distant friend I have.
    So far I always assumed that I am completely over her and that there are no things to resolve - but maybe I am wrong.

    I get that she likes the travelling and all but that is soon coming to an end with this being her last trip. After that she is supposed to write her thesis and start working. This is actually one of the reasons I "blamed" it all on her stress level: her student life is coming to an end and she is on the brink of a new chapter which might scare her. Maybe this all came down on her during her last trip. That is why I was open to the break in the beginning, because it sounded like she honestly wanted to figure stuff like this out (she also said however that she will probably not be able to think much about this during her time away as she will be so busy (which I kinda get coming from someone with avoidant tendencies but still find unempathetic)).
    To the "being free" point: She even said that I never restricted her in any way. She is a "local" girl in that sense - timing was far from perfect with this crazy semester and so much time away though.

    i also have to say that it probably did not help that I basically had to move in with her for two weeks straight after her trip to Japan (was due to some complicated reasons with work) during which she even told me that it is too much for her. I offered to give her space but she responded with that I should honor my agreement with my employer and stay.
    NC immediately.
    You are not in the business of dragging people up the mountain. Continue to study relationship and what a successful one looks like to you.

    Work on the false attachments that are causing you pain in this situation.

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  6. #5
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    Is NC in this situation really gonna help me? I enjoy helping people and I want to be there for her if she really is going through something. I realized my flaws and want to work on them - but I'd rather do it together with her than alone.

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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    Is NC in this situation really gonna help me? I enjoy helping people and I want to be there for her if she really is going through something. I realized my flaws and want to work on them - but I'd rather do it together with her than alone.
    Yes, in this situation, NC is the best way for you to move forward. I don't foresee that contacting her, yet again, will help your case. When last you spoke with her, you made it clear that "she should contact me once she figures out what's going on with her". The ball is clearly in her court now. If and when she "figures it out", she will contact you. If she never figures it out or if she simply doesn't care, she won't contact you.

    Trying to force the situation by contacting her and not allowing her to make the decision for herself is simply not a good idea. There are some things that are simply outside of your control and it is best to accept this.

    If you really and truly realize that you have flaws and if you believe you need to work on yourself, then do it, but do it for yourself, not as a strategy to try to win back an ex. You don't need to work on yourself "together" with another person, it is not the responsibility of someone else to help work on any inner issues you may have, this is your responsibility and yours alone. The first step towards working on co-dependency is to learn to be self-reliant and to not feel as though you have to depend on another person in order to move forward in life.

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    To further complicate things she does owe me quite a lot of money that I have lend her in a time of need. "Never contacting her again" is thus not really an option - at some point we would need to talk about this. If it is indeed over I'd rather do this soon than wait unreasonably long. Ugh - never thought this would get so complicated...

    I do feel much better after venting here though - thanks guys.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    To further complicate things she does owe me quite a lot of money that I have lend her in a time of need. "Never contacting her again" is thus not really an option - at some point we would need to talk about this. If it is indeed over I'd rather do this soon than wait unreasonably long. Ugh - never thought this would get so complicated...

    I do feel much better after venting here though - thanks guys.
    How much is "quite a lot of money"? Hundreds, thousands? And was this amount loaned with a clear understanding that it was all to be paid back to you?

    Yes, money certainly can complicate things, it's never a good idea to loan a huge sum of money to someone you are only just getting to know. You may very well never get the money back, especially if no written agreement exists and there is no way for you to prove that the money was a loan and not a gift.

  10. #9
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    1000 - and yes it was clear that it is just a loan however I obviously have no proof and want to assume that she still is the decent person I fell in love with. After 6 months it hardly felt like I was just getting to know her - but yeah I might have been blinded by my emotions and wanted to be a good boyfriend that helps out when he can.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by TestTest
    1000 - and yes it was clear that it is just a loan however I obviously have no proof and want to assume that she still is the decent person I fell in love with. After 6 months it hardly felt like I was just getting to know her - but yeah I might have been blinded by my emotions and wanted to be a good boyfriend that helps out when he can.
    Pro Tip, never loan money to girls or friends that you expect to get back.

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