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Thread: I'm Struggling

  1. #1
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    I'm Struggling

    I am in my mid 40's and my wife is 30. We are in a same sex relationship. We have been married for 3 years and together for 6. Like many families, we struggle. It is like we never have enough cash to pay our bills. I pay for all of the utilities, all of the groceries, all of day care, 87% of the mortgage, and she pays 13% of the mortgage, her own car loan, and we split the kids clothing costs. She also pays student loans and while we have a middle class income she doesn't share her finances with me.

    We both gained weight after kids. We were overwhelmed and food was a stress reliever. Last year my spouse had gastric bypass and started to loose weight. I tried to loose weight but without going to the gym, I struggled with it. I decided after family pictures in June to loose weight and I dropped 20 pounds recently, but I am no way back to where I was when her and I were dating. She has done well to get back there, but she had her stomach cut out. I cant not recall the last time she said I looked pretty.

    Months ago my wife was on a work trip and called me drunk and said she wanted us to get back to where we were. Our relationship has been strained from kids and our careers. She is working and going to school, so often after the kids go to bed she studies and I wander off alone. I stopped trying to be around her because she always needed to study, but often she would sit on her phone while studying. Our conversation died down and we stopped dating being overwhelmed with kids. After she made this request to work on us, I started asking her for Saturday night dates at home. I offered to make a fire outside where we can sit and drink wine. I offered to rent a movie from RedBox. She never seemed interested in having a date. We did get to a concert this summer and she actually reached out and held my hand.

    Something changed over the past month. She rejected each attempted I made to make love. This left me feeling so rejected I would often wake up in the middle of the night feeling all alone. She doesn't hold hand or hug so the sex was the only physical thing we had. Over the past three weeks she hasn't responded to text messages such as "xoxo" or "I love you". I started hearing little angry comments from her said in a low tone. One was regarding the kids Birthday party when I asked about the cake options she said she would take care of it and then turned away and said like she normally does. This hurt because I often don't take care of those things because she decides decorations and themes. I handle getting the kids to and from daycare, cooking dinner, doing dishes and laundry, cutting the grass and paying the utilities. I decided to take ownership and ordered a cake and arranged catering. When I attempted to ask if she was stressed at work and taking it out on me, she said, "Don't pin this on me".

    Since that time I noticed many things changing. She started shaving her pubic hair which she hasn't done for two years. She started taking tons of selfies and posting them on instagram. She made an appointment with counseling and didn't tell me. She started using her phone more and more and there are times she is on it over dinner. She went to a food event and told me she went with one co-worker but ended up going with another women she never mentioned. She also stopped wearing her wedding and engagement rings. I did ask her about that and she said she has them in her purse because she planned to drop them off to get a missing stone replaced. Since then she has worn them on and off. I have offered to have a date but she says we need to save money but somehow finds money to go out with coworkers and friends.

    Today has been really hard for me. Our kids woke us up at 4am and I ran down the hallway to them like I often do. (My spouse never offers to get up to take care of them anymore) I held our toddler who woke up their sibling. I took both to our bed since we would be up at 5:30. My spouse has a concert tonight and i saw her shaving her pubic hair again in the shower. She also did a facial mask before putting on makeup which is something she has never done in the morning. She also did not put on her wedding ring though she wore it a few days before. We loaded the kids into the car and she said "love you".

    I am struggling with feeling loved. There isn't enough touching and attention from her for me to feel loved. I feel like there is another women steeling her away emotionally and physically. I am fearful of her first counseling session tomorrow that it is her first step in leaving the relationship. If she wanted to make this work, she would have told me and we would have gone together. I feel afraid to bring any of this up and talk about us because it just seems to push her away. I am struggling to stay positive and think this will get better. I am struggling to make it through each day when I sit on the floor and play with the kids to see my wife sitting on her phone texting someone. I dont know how much longer I can hold back these tears. I am trying to stay positive and hope she works out her stuff and comes back, but I feel she is just looking for a way out.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member smackie9's Avatar
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    IMO she is escaping her life and stresses, by trying to be someone different, hanging out with different people, so she can feel relief. What she doesn't know is how much she will lose. She has lost all sight of what is important over a little attention for a boost. The only advice I can give is that you both attend marriage counseling, and start communicating again. The longer you sit there and do nothing, the worse the situation will get.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    She's already one foot out of the door. You both need to sit down with each other and talk about what you both want from this marriage, because it sounds like both of you are having issues.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's the wrong way to use a facial mask. The skin needs a breather before layering junk/make up on it.

    It's possible she's practicing a lot more self-love than before with her newfound freedom and weight loss but neglecting her marriage and her kids is unfair to both you and the family. There seems to be a lot of resentment and tension but both of you haven't spoken about them with each other.

    Why is there a wall between the both of you and why have you stopped asking her who she's texting or opened up any discussion about her bookings with a counselor? Why haven't both of you revised your finances and contributions (updated items) as times have changed? There's so much that can be done here and many conversations started and more insight gained, perhaps breaking that wall of tension and alleviating that resentment.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    That's the wrong way to use a facial mask. The skin needs a breather before layering junk/make up on it.

    It's possible she's practicing a lot more self-love than before with her newfound freedom and weight loss but neglecting her marriage and her kids is unfair to both you and the family. There seems to be a lot of resentment and tension but both of you haven't spoken about them with each other.

    Why is there a wall between the both of you and why have you stopped asking her who she's texting or opened up any discussion about her bookings with a counselor? Why haven't both of you revised your finances and contributions (updated items) as times have changed? There's so much that can be done here and many conversations started and more insight gained, perhaps breaking that wall of tension and alleviating that resentment.
    Thank for you your response.

    There is alot of resentment and I know I am part of the problem. The finances are part of our problem. I tried to do a shared checking account with her in the past and it failed. I was using a join checking account to save for our wedding. My fiance was not depositing anything into it and then used several hundred dollars out of it. She had a habit of "borrowing" from our joint account and then claiming she put the money back. I couldn't save for our wedding when she was taking money out. I know I resent her for spending money on luxury items when I pay for day care. I gave up buying new clothing and getting my hair done until the daycare costs are covered.

    I am trying to work on my own issues but I dont think it's the right time for me to tell her I need my physical touch or help cleaning the house. I have been trying to ask her what I can do and hope that she brings up what is bothering her.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    How did you both get married if the wedding was difficult to save for? Was it a low profile type of wedding in the end? My husband and I only had ten people there at our wedding and it was intended that way for us. The people we wanted there came and all went home by 3pm after cake and festivities. There's no shame in a smaller affair. Either way, you both are married so it means a good deal of commitment on both sides. She's not acknowledging that commitment right now by neglecting your family or you. I feel like you feel ashamed of something for some reason. Am I wrong? What are you feeling ashamed about? Is it the weight issue in comparison to her weight loss?

    Not all couples operate with joint checking accounts. My husband and I do not have one and we are in agreement on the topic. We have access to funds in a different way and rely on clear communication and frankness when it comes to money. If something comes up we talk about it and come up with a course of action on how to solve any issues or plan for the future.

    It seems she wants to have fun and do more outgoing things. Perhaps the concert was a breath of fresh air for her. Why not go out more together? If you're still upset about the wedding funds disappearing, both of you need to clear the air too. It's not good to hold on to that and still expect to function as a couple.

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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    How did you both get married if the wedding was difficult to save for? Was it a low profile type of wedding in the end? My husband and I only had ten people there at our wedding and it was intended that way for us. The people we wanted there came and all went home by 3pm after cake and festivities. There's no shame in a smaller affair. Either way, you both are married so it means a good deal of commitment on both sides. She's not acknowledging that commitment right now by neglecting your family or you. I feel like you feel ashamed of something for some reason. Am I wrong? What are you feeling ashamed about? Is it the weight issue in comparison to her weight loss?

    Not all couples operate with joint checking accounts. My husband and I do not have one and we are in agreement on the topic. We have access to funds in a different way and rely on clear communication and frankness when it comes to money. If something comes up we talk about it and come up with a course of action on how to solve any issues or plan for the future.

    It seems she wants to have fun and do more outgoing things. Perhaps the concert was a breath of fresh air for her. Why not go out more together? If you're still upset about the wedding funds disappearing, both of you need to clear the air too. It's not good to hold on to that and still expect to function as a couple.
    I am very, very good with money. When we decided to get married, I developed a business plan to pay for the wedding. We only had about 30 people and it was on a beach. My trick was to open a Marriott's Reward Card with bonus points. Then I prepared the conference room with the card and earned 5 points for each dollar spent. I made enough points to pay for the hotel room which was like 3,000 totally for free.

    I am ashamed. I feel like my spouse has undergone a rebirth and totally left me behind. I never liked my body and it's so hard to loose weight after 40. It's compounded that I cant get to the gym. I am also ashamed because I have not be a great spouse. Before we had kids she withdrew away from me and ignored me to the point I felt worthless. I remember begging her to just hold me but she had too much to do for school. I was so depressed I sought out attention anywhere I could find it and I ended up cheating. I never told her and I carry that pain but I sometimes thinks she found out and resents me for it. Since that time, I have tried so hard to be the best spouse I can be, but it's a struggle when I dont feel like she loves me. I also dont think she ever considers her contributions to the problem.

    I have asked about more outgoing things. I have also been trying to pay for more things. She has just been reluctant.
    Last edited by FullofTears; 08-08-2019 at 01:10 PM.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member WithLove's Avatar
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    OP, what about her do you like/love? From what you're stating here, there doesn't seem to be many redeeming qualities. What made you fall in love with her and entertain (and go through with) marriage?

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    Originally Posted by WithLove
    OP, what about her do you like/love? From what you're stating here, there doesn't seem to be many redeeming qualities. What made you fall in love with her and entertain (and go through with) marriage?
    My wife is the most giving and kindest woman I know. She volunteers and gives of herself with no expectations of return. She is super smart and driven to keep learning. She is playful though I have not seen it in a while. She is beautiful even when she gained weight from carrying our kids.

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    I could concede that she is practicing self-love if it weren't for the fact that she doesn't wear her wedding rings anymore. That is gigantic red flag that this is not just a matter of her feeling more confident after her weight loss.

    She is wanting to appear single. Full stop. To whom? You will probably piece that together soon enough. Keep you eyes and ears open, and observe. Do you pay the phone bill? If so, have a look and see who she is talking to frequently. There are an awful lot of indicators here that, collectively, point to someone else being on her radar. I wouldn't make any accusations of that at this point though; I would take a step back and see what you can learn before even approaching her with that.

    You both seem to carry a lot of resentment towards each other, in any event, and she is clearly backing out of the marriage. But it sounds as though this was happening even before you got married. It's time for that come-to-Jesus talk. You need to really have an honest conversation with her and figure out if she actually does want to stay in the marriage.

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