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Thread: How he handled my abortion. Commitment phobe?

  1. #1

    How he handled my abortion. Commitment phobe?

    Dear all,

    I am seeing a guy for over 2,5 years. We had a relationship label for about 6 months but it made him so anxious that we officially broke up but kept seeing each other and were exclusive still. I know, very strange.
    We finally really broke up a few months ago, we havenít seen each other for a month until he came back again. We are not exclusive now but we do see each other a lot, we hang out with mutual friends etc.
    He had a really rough youth, his father was murdered and he has contact with his mother even though itís not a normal mom-son bond. It is clear he has a lot of unresolved issues and I see that most of the time he cannot help him self, his system is just as it is because he literally doesnít know how to do different. He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing in front of his friends, even though I am the sweetest and most loyal person he has even known. Sometimes he sits down with me and tells me how much he loves me, that I have every reason to leave him forever and how it is possible that I am still here for him after all he has done. I am too understanding, I see so much trauma in him and I donít take the way he is treating me personal but that is wrong. I am not being sweet to myself by allowing him to cross my boundaries every time. We fight like we are in a relationship even though we are officially not because he is too scared.
    I had an abortion last week. He came with me to the procedure and I counted on him being there for me that day. He told me he wanted to go to a festival afterwards, I became upset and told him that I needed him afterwards. He started yelling at me that everything always has to go my way, that I cannot force him to stay with me and that I always make so much drama. I started crying, I was about to have an abortion and here he was yelling at me that he wanted to go to a festival. I never did this ever before and I scared myself, but I was felt so misunderstood and so lonely that I slapped him in his face. How dare he talk about wanting to go to a festival and yelling at me before having an abortion. Slapping him is not okay, I know that. It did make him calm down though and he stayed, he sold his ticked.
    After the procedure I was in pain and felt incredibly sad and all I wanted was a hug from him. I came out the clinic and he was waiting for me. He asked how I was doing and a few minutes later he said if it was possible I would go to my mom because he felt forced to stay with me for the rest of the day. At that point, I was still feeling a bit dizzy from the anesthesia and I was still in pain from the procedure. I felt so overwhelmed by everything, I was still processing the abortion and him telling me he felt forced to take care of me trying to ship me off to my mom broke me. I was extremely upset, I couldnít even stand anymore and I sat down crying hysterically in the middle of the side walk because I felt so incredibly sad, hurt and lonely. He said I needed to act normal and pulled me up. We did go to his house but I still needed to go to the pharmacy on my scooter to get antibiotics. I did not feel well to drive my scooter but I had to, to get my medication. He took the subway.
    I got the medication and when I came back to his place he did not say a word to me. He did not ask how I was feeling, he did not ask if he could get me something to drink. I told him if it was possible for him to show me some affection but he got very angry. He said that I should be happy that I could stay with him, that he was being way too sweet to me, that I forced him into staying with me and that I was exaggerating about my physical and emotional pain about the abortion. We got into a huge fight again but it became so much, I just couldnít fight anymore so at one point I became quit until he started hugging me again. We spend a few hours together which were nice. In the evening he suddenly became angry again without no apparent reason, he just suddenly told me that he felt really unhappy today about how everything went and that I treated him poorly and unfairly. He basically kicked me out of his apartment and slammed the door in my face and afterwordís we shortly spoke on the phone that he needed me to back off, that this was too much for him and that he doesnít want any contact for a while. I told him how sorry I was for slapping him, I sent him flowers with a card and an apology but he said that it was too much and that I need to distance myself from him. (Apparantly he feels suffocated? I was only trying to show him my regret for slapping him Ė I felt like an apology with flowers was the right thing to do). I am completely at loss, I just had an abortion which I still need to process and he suddenly doesn't want to speak to me anymore. Did I really act horrible? What do you think I should do?
    Last edited by Yasmine1988; 08-26-2019 at 08:40 AM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry all this has happened. He is irresponsible and does not want any sort of sustained or committed relationship with you. Do not rationalize this with how damaged or wounded he is from his childhood, etc. First and foremost take care of yourself, your health and your life. Stop chasing this guy, you're wasting your time. Focus on your career, education, friends family and most of all get some follow up with your doctors and therapy. Delete and block this guy from your life. You're toxic together.

  3. #3
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sorry all this has happened. He is irresponsible and does not want any sort of sustained or committed relationship with you. Do not rationalize this with how damaged or wounded he is from his childhood, etc. First and foremost take care of yourself, your health and your life. Stop chasing this guy, you're wasting your time. Focus on your career, education, friends family and most of all get some follow up with your doctors and therapy. Delete and block this guy from your life. You're toxic together.
    Thank you for your advice and feedback. I agree with you.

  4. #4
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    His commitment phobia is the least of your worries; this is a supremely traumatised individual who will continue to traumatise others until he seeks help for himself.

    This is not someone who you should even be contemplating having a relationship with. I'm so sorry you've been through the experience of the abortion, and you now need to take time for yourself and get the support you need. However, you also need to accept that it won't be coming from him. Leave him severely alone from now on; meeting up with him will pull the scabs off any healing you manage to do.

    (((HUGS)))

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  6. 08-26-2019, 09:20 AM

  7. #5
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    You're trying to guilt-trip him into being someone he is not. That's only a mindbender for you and extremely frustrating for him. I don't think either of you are being responsible or respectful of each others' wishes. You, like other women who have had abortions, have all experienced some form of grief, dissociation, loss and pain. Was the pregnancy due to being with him? This wasn't an exclusive relationship. I'm not clear whether the pregnancy has anything to do with him either.

    I'd suggest taking a few days to process and heal from the pain - physically and emotionally. Don't go back to his place at all or send him any flowers or items. You're not thinking straight. He doesn't deserve them and neither of you are in any type of relationship. Don't continue living in la la land. This person is not in your life and doesn't want to have anything to do with you deep down. Try speaking to a counsellor about any grief and any emotions you are going through after the abortion. Your hormones are also in flux. The clinic should have had additional resources for you. If you weren't too sure while you were there, try looking them up or search online (their website). It's a good idea to get your life back on track and stop depending on this person to make you better. He's not going to make you better or help you feel better. That's going to come from you.

  8. #6
    Originally Posted by nutbrownhare
    His commitment phobia is the least of your worries; this is a supremely traumatised individual who will continue to traumatise others until he seeks help for himself.

    This is not someone who you should even be contemplating having a relationship with. I'm so sorry you've been through the experience of the abortion, and you now need to take time for yourself and get the support you need. However, you also need to accept that it won't be coming from him. Leave him severely alone from now on; meeting up with him will pull the scabs off any healing you manage to do.

    (((HUGS)))
    Thank you for your kind words. I will leave him alone and take my time to heal from everything.

  9. #7
    Thank you for your advice and feedback @Rose Mosse. Very meaningfull and I will understand what you are saying and will act upon. The pregnany was 100% for him, I have not been seeing anyone else.

  10. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Yasmine1988
    Thank you for your advice and feedback @Rose Mosse. Very meaningfull and I will understand what you are saying and will act upon. The pregnany was 100% for him, I have not been seeing anyone else.
    You're welcome. Now is the time you need to really practice self-love, dig deep, and find strength and healing from within. Don't depend on anyone else to do it for you because even if others try, it will not be complete. The pain will still be there when others leave the room and you are alone. You'll have to heal yourself from inside out. Abortion (or miscarriages), loss of life, is not easy. Stay true to your beliefs and your idea of what love should be in a relationship and don't try to convince someone to be with you. You shouldn't ever have to do that.

  11. #9
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You're welcome. Now is the time you need to really practice self-love, dig deep, and find strength and healing from within. Don't depend on anyone else to do it for you because even if others try, it will not be complete. The pain will still be there when others leave the room and you are alone. You'll have to heal yourself from inside out. Abortion (or miscarriages), loss of life, is not easy. Stay true to your beliefs and your idea of what love should be in a relationship and don't try to convince someone to be with you. You shouldn't ever have to do that.
    You are right, I will focus on myself and learn to love myself more. I know deep down I deserve better and I will stay true to myself. Thank you for your compassion and words of support, I appreciate it.

  12. #10
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    You are not "too understanding," you stayed because you have low self esteem, excused his behavior and allowed him to treat you badly. He does not love/care about you and has disrespected you terribly. This should have been done after six months, but you have allowed him to treat you as FWB.

    This guy is using you and you need to stop excusing the behavior on his childhood. He is also emotionally abusive.

    I strongly suggest you look into co dependency. Please do not allow people to treat you like this. You should also seek some therapy.

    You need to get away from this guy! He is awful.
    Last edited by Hollyj; 08-26-2019 at 02:31 PM.

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