How he handled my abortion. Commitment phobe?

[~Seraphim ~]

Being traumatized is no reason to treat people like dirt. He hasn’t learned that. Time to be done with him.

[abitbroken]

He treats me really bad a lot of the times, he starts fights with me easily, yells at me about nothing

And your main concern is that he's a commitmentphobe??

[Yasmine1988]

You are not "too understanding," you stayed because you have low self esteem, excused his behavior and allowed him to treat you badly. He does not love/care about you and has disrespected you terribly. This should have been done after six months, but you have allowed him to treat you as FWB.

This guy is using you and you need to stop excusing the behavior on his childhood. He is also emotionally abusive.

I strongly suggest you look into co dependency. Please do not allow people to treat you like this. You should also seek some therapy.

You need to get away from this guy! He is awful.

I actually do not have a low self esteem even though I know it sure looks like that. I am well aware that I deserve way better but I just see him as a sad person. I can handle a lot of things, I feel strong powerful and happy most of the time and when he treats me bad, I tend to look beyond his behaviour and I only see a very wounded soul who needs help. This is obviously not my responsibility and I’m well aware I can not help him.
I am actually already in therapy about the whole situation and she describes me as someone who my has a high need to wanting to rescue people and that hurts myself. But thank you for your words of support and taking the time to write your message, I appreciate it.

[Hollyj]

Someone with decent self esteem would not even associate with someone like this. This guy has treated you like sh*t, and you keep on going back for more. You are his emotional punching bag, and he uses you for sex, but you allow it.

Seeing this abusive creep "as a sad person," is co dependent behavior. This is not a plus for you, as it is to your detriment.

Block and delete this guy, He is bad news. I am happy to hear that you are in therapy.

Do not ever look beyond this behavior. When someone starts treating you like this, cut them from your life.

[~Seraphim ~]

Partners should never be projects.

[saluk]

Are you his girlfriend or his counselor.

[nutbrownhare]

Seeing this abusive creep "as a sad person," is co dependent behavior

Not necessarily; you can feel compassionate towards someone, and recognise their vulnerability WITHOUT putting yourself into a position where they will damage you. It's allowing the abuse which is codependent behaviour, not the compassion.

Recognising that some of their abusive behaviour is a response to earlier trauma does not mean that you owe them anything, or that you should fix it, and is in fact an important part of the forgiveness which will help you move on. And by forgiveness, I don't mean condoning their actions or justifying them, but letting go of resentment and detaching from the relationship so you can move on with your life.

To the OP - DON'T EVER look beyond behaviour. That is the bit which will impact your life in the here and now. Learning self-care does not at all mean you stop caring about others, but caring for someone who should be perfectly capable of looking after themselves is inappropriate in an adult relationship.

[Hollyj]

Not necessarily; you can feel compassionate towards someone, and recognise their vulnerability WITHOUT putting yourself into a position where they will damage you. It's allowing the abuse which is codependent behaviour, not the compassion.

Recognising that some of their abusive behaviour is a response to earlier trauma does not mean that you owe them anything, or that you should fix it, and is in fact an important part of the forgiveness which will help you move on. And by forgiveness, I don't mean condoning their actions or justifying them, but letting go of resentment and detaching from the relationship so you can move on with your life.

To the OP - DON'T EVER look beyond behaviour. That is the bit which will impact your life in the here and now. Learning self-care does not at all mean you stop caring about others, but caring for someone who should be perfectly capable of looking after themselves is inappropriate in an adult relationship.

He has treated her like garbage for a long time. For me, that is co dependent. She cannot save people who are so dysfunctional. That is for the pros. She should be with people who like and respect her.

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry for your painful experience, Yasmine1998.

Well, I don't condone slapping nor hitting anyone. Your feelings were justified, however slapping his face was uncalled for because you make yourself just as bad as him in a way. Not that you're a bad person. You were frustrated that he preferred to attend the festival instead of being with you which is understandable. I would've felt the same way.

Unfortunately, flowers, card and an apology won't make amends after hitting someone because they don't trust you anymore. They don't even like you anymore and in their mind, there's no telling when an argument will ensue and you will be tempted to resort to hitting them again. You can't undo the past. Just learn to exercise self-control no matter how infuriated you feel.

The "blessing" and silver lining to your story is that the relationship would've failed anyway. Both of you are incompatible and he's definitely not 'Prince Charming.' He's messed up, hails from a broken home, never had a strong father figure in his life, his father was a victim of a homicide, he doesn't have a normal relationship with his mother and he's permanently psychologically scarred for life. He has a lot of painful baggage and he'll just drag you down. There's no way he'll be a participatory father either.

You need to courageously and bravely move on without him. Know you deserve to be with a man who will treat you with utmost respect and honor. Everyone else is a REJECT.

Hope you heal your heart. Take it easy and take good care of yourself.