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Thread: Emotional Stability / Anger / Mental Health of my long term Girlfriend / Partner

  1. #21
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I hear you.

    I also hear you giving a tremendous amount of weight to her childhood trauma as being the root issue here—that you find a kind of comfort in that, perhaps from the beginning, to offset the moments of deep discomfort that come from being with her as an adult. I'd put it differently. To my eyes it's about how she copes with the childhood trauma, how she processes it, which is, well, a reflection of and extension of who she is rather than what once happened to her. A major spice in the stew that we call "character."

    It's all tricky business, this stuff.

    Just as traumatic events affect people differently, different people bring out different sides in us—some naturally accentuating strengths, others weaknesses, as we ourselves go about the forever business of learning to harness our strengths and stand tall against our weaknesses. That's all how character is built, how it evolves, changes shape—through connecting with ourselves and with others. And sometimes, without realizing it, we end up attaching to people who bring out our weaker sides to the detriment of our character.

    That both of you are prone to highlighting her childhood trauma during moments of friction is telling—and, perhaps, not the healthiest. It's like opening the door for something in the past to have more power in the present than it needs, than is healthy. It's making "damage" part of your bond. That can feel very powerful and vulnerable early, but at the end of the day people want to feel empowered, not broken, and I get the feeling that inside your relationship she is frozen in a semi-broken state, that she has learned to find "power" by leaning into that rather than evolving from it, since you are pretty hardwired to forgive or excuse her sharp edges as being connected to her "damage" rather than one of the many ingredients that simply make her who she is.

    Not a healthy dynamic, all that. Can you outgrow that, together? Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm curious to know how old you guys are.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    People seem to have a cookie cutter mold for me as a "white knight" or "co-dependent" and seem to be mis-reading or not trusting what I am saying.
    Its what you are saying that indicates that you may very well be both of those things but you refuse to accept that there could be an emotional and/or psychological problem in yourself.

    Anyway, I think you would do well, as said, to get your own therapy to help you deal with her issues. You, (like what the people on that plane I mentioned earlier) have to look after your own self first before you'll ever be able to successfully make even the smallest dint in what is her makeup. I hesitate to label (as its frowned upon here) but your partner sounds borderline personality disordered at the worst and suffering from post traumatic stress (from her childhood) at best. You have zero chance of helping her improve her mental state without the help of a professional (for both of you).

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