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Emotional Stability / Anger / Mental Health of my long term Girlfriend / Partner


harveylax

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HI

 

I am in a long term relationship (almost nine years) with my Girlfirend who I Love more than anything in the world, but we are clearly at the end of our tether as seem to be stuck in a loop of arguing, making up, arguing..etc.

 

I have always known that my girlfreind is quite regularly almost completely unable to regulate her emotional responses to what, for the most part, are normal day to day frustrations.

 

MY girlfriend has the tendency to fly into extreme and long lasting fits of rage as a result of what I would consider to be pretty minor triggers and I have so far been trying to manage this by remaining calm, explaining myself, apologising, telling her i Love her, doing little things to show im not angry at her and forgiving her when she finally calms down and (usually) apologises.

 

My girlfirend came ot the UK as a refugee from Kosovo when she was seven and has undoubtedly had a traumatic upbringing, her father was at least emotionally / psychologically abusive to her and her siblings and I know that this has had a massive impact on her mental health. She also has an extremely stressful job working long hours and I can sometimes not be as thoughtful as I could be, which I admit to her, apologise for and I am trying desperately to improve. Yet deep down i know that there are underlying issues she has that would not be resolved even if I were literally perfect.

 

All I want is for us to have a stable relationship, where she can experience small frustrations without believing that I don't care about her, without believing the the world is a dark cold place and without questioning our love and commitment to each other.

 

iThe reason I have come to seek help is because for a number of months my Girlfiriend has been complaining of pains in her liver, and a scan a year ago revealed a small spot which they said they wanted to monitor. After falling out with her doctor, she has not pursued this medical issue. After a weekend of arguing and making up, I asked her if she would go to the doctors about the liver spot, she initially said yes and I said i would take time off work to go with her. She then proceeded to get more and more worked up until she declared that she is not going. I told her i could not accept this and explained that us looking after ourselves and looking after each other, medically emotionally psychologically is all part of a loving relationship. I explained that we need to look after ourselves for the sake of each other.

 

This then prompted her to go on her usual, "life isn't worth living", "you don't care about me", "you don't listen", "i'm leaving if you carry on with this", "you are cruel" etc. type of routine. I simply cannot accept that she isn't willing to pursue this medical issue, not to mention the fact that she keeps backtracking on her agreement to see a therapist.

 

 

I am in desperate need of help.

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She needs professional therapy.

 

If you love her enough to potentially be her carer for the rest of your life, then I salute your nobility and encourage you to let her tantrums go and accept that they are an expression of her demons, not herself.

 

That said, I am afraid that I do not really buy the stereotypical narrative that victims (of anything) automatically deserve to be wrapped in cotton wool and shielded from the world's ills at everybody else's expense. Sadly a lot of victims develop a bitterly cynical view of the world and become very nasty individuals themselves. Where do you draw the line between the expression of a traumatic experience and inherent personality? Some of the ugliest people (personality wise) in the world are those with a victim mentality, like radical Incels, for example.

 

Excuse the tangent, what I mean is that by supporting your girlfriend on a daily basis, caring for her, being understanding of her... you might actually be enabling toxic patterns of thought and behaviour. If her mental health is as bad as you describe, then she needs professional help, not a coddling boyfriend. Some time apart might actually give her some clarity and context too.

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Hi

 

Thanks for the response, i really appreciate it.

 

I am willing to help her with her mental issues, for the rest of my life, and I can stand up to a lot of abuse and unfair treatment (as i have been doing so for many years), but I need to see progress, and at the moment I'm seeing the opposite.

 

I have many times, considered that I may actually be facilitating this toxic behaviour by being so forgiving of her flaws and as I genuinely don't take the things she says seriously (when shes in her rages) - the abuse I receive literally has not impact on me 99% of the time. This probably doesn't help her to self reflect because I have minimized the damage she is doing to me to such a large degree.

 

I do this because I do not want to see her feeling guilty, because it is heartbreaking when she does, and she dwells on it and beats herself up and ends up in a bout of depression, which of course is extremely dangerous. When we speak about these things when shes not in the middle of a Rage /Depression / episode of inexplicable sadness or loneliness, she is very honest and apologetic and agrees to seek help, but so far hasn't really done anything to try to actually get the help she needs.

 

I know that personality disorders can be inherited and can be brought on by trauma as a child, and i honestly think both of these things apply to her. So i cant help but have sympathy for her and this is what i use as fuel to tolerate the abuse and almost constant disruption to what otherwise would be a pretty sweet and comfortable life.

 

thanks again for your time, I would very much welcome hearing more form you.

 

if there is anyone else out there that has been in a relationship that sounds in any way similar to this, please, please let me know what you think , what you did,m how it worked out etc..

 

THanks,

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Unless and until she is willing to seek help - and actually does so - there is very little you can do.

 

My ex was an emotionally unstable man. He would experience extreme bouts of rage, and find ways to blame me for whatever negative feelings he was having. He had indeed been twice diagnosed with a specific personality disorder but he refused to seek any treatment. You notice my use of the word ex; I walked away after about a year. Without professional help, I knew the situation would not improve.

 

You very much need to sit your girlfriend down and explain the toll this is having on the relationship. She might not realize how serious you are about being drained if you have otherwise enabled her behaviour in the past. But, by the same token, you also have to get serious with yourself. If you are willing to put up with the anger and mistreatment, she has little reason to change.

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Sorry this is happening. Although you mean well you are micromanaging, controlling and parenting her way too much. She's an adult. If she wants to go to a doctor, therapist, etc., she will. Stop being her therapist, doctor and dad all rolled into one overbearing control freak. Be a partner instead and yes LISTEN rather than order her what to do to fix herself for you. This is a what you see is what you get type situation. Get off her case.

 

If you don't like her moods, trauma, complaints, etc, then step way back and start observing and listening and processing what's happening. Stop crawling up her rear with your requests for her to fix herself, go to doctors, therapists, etc. She told you as much. Time to pay attention. Go to therapy yourself and explore your need to avoid your own life and put hers under this much scrutiny.

"you don't listen", "i'm leaving if you carry on with this", "you are cruel" etc. type of routine. I simply cannot accept that she isn't willing to pursue this medical issue, not to mention the fact that she keeps backtracking on her agreement to see a therapist.
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Thanks to MissCanuck that is helpful.

 

Wiseman2 I am not sure how you get to the idea of me being a "control freak" or that I am not "LISTEN"-ing, as I am not a control freak and i listen extremely carefully to the issues she believes are the causes of her anger, and then when i put forward practical suggestions to address those, they usually get rejected.

 

For example, the other day she said that we dont spend enough time with family, so I say, "well thats a reasonable thing to want to do more of, and if that will help with these issues, then I'm totally happy to arrange more family time". So I did arrange that (to see my sister, her husband and their two kids whilst they were camping) and she outright rejected the idea on fairly shaky grounds. I don't understand why such direct and obvious practical measures to the issues she raises are met with rejection. The only conclusion i can come to is that this is subconscious sabotage of any proposed remedies.

 

ALso Wiseman2, i really dont understand why you think you are able to suggest that i should go to therapy to "explore my need to avoid" my own life. What are you talking about? I am in direct contact with my life, and at the moment, it is being dominated by the results of my soulmates past trauma, and I am seeking advice for me, for her, for both of us.

 

The majority of your comments do not at all appear to come from any kind of sympathetic view point and to be honest you have done a dis-service to this forum of which you are a long standing member.

 

Perhaps, ask quesitons to work out if I am a control freak, if I am the sort of person who listens. I am an honest actor, posting on this forum in good faith, you are borderline trolling and I'm no where near stupid enough to fall for it or not call it out.

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OP, Wiseman's comments might be harsh, but they are right on point. You are calling her your soulmate BUT you are treating this whole relationship as a fixer upper project. You don't actually like her the way she is, you like the idea of who she could be if only she would do this, change that, go to doctors, etc, etc, etc. That is controlling behavior on your part. Healthy relationships don't operate like this. Either you accept the person as they are or you move on. You don't try to fix them and change them.

 

You are stuck in a toxic situation and sounds a lot like you are making a lot of excuses for someone who is emotionally abusive toward you. Your inability to see that and to walk away from it is problematic and shows your own lack of emotional health. I hope that instead of knee jerking you actually take a deep breath and give things some serious thought. You can fix a broken chair, but you can't fix people. A toxic relationship is not your soulmate. I mean ask yourself honestly - does your soulmate rage at you? Is that really how you imagine your relationship? I hope not. You sound very very codependent and that's not good.

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I suggest you look into your own therapy with a counsellor proficient in codependency issues. You are trying to control her while failing at it which is driving YOU into your own dysfunctional mental state.

 

You can support her while she gets herself into therapy BUT (big but) you cannot fix her, you cannot save her from herself. You can only change you and your enabling actions that allow her to abuse you psychologically and emotionally.

 

Google two things:

 

1. "Am I in a Codependent Relationship"

2. "White Knight Syndrome"

 

Read about those things and let us know how much they resonate with you.

 

Her? She likely has ptsd from her childhood (or worse) and should be in therapy to help her to be able to regulate her emotional response to your (over) helpful ways. Trying to manipulate her into seeing a doctor about her liver problem is about YOU, not her. You can tell her that she should followup but to tell her it's a show of her love for you isn't the right way to go about it because it just triggers her to respond in her overly emotional defense of herself. Her issues are hers to fix. You issues are yours to fix. Even on a plane they tell you to put on your own oxygen max before trying to help others.

 

You both should be in therapy to guide you in a more functional way of living and relating to one another.

 

and to be honest you have done a dis-service to this forum of which you are a long standing member.
Well, No, no he has not. He has given you good advice that you, like your wife, refuse to even consider. Google and read those terms I have supplied to you. You will be glad you did because once you know what ails YOU, you will think twice before enabling/controlling/triggering your partner the way you have been.
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your not showing much emotioanl mturity yourself, you obviously dont understand how trauma affects people, when they rage, they think theya re raging at you, thety are not, they are raging at themselves, at their past, at the perpetrator of the abuse against them.

 

She is the love of my life, and I am the love of her life, we know this to be true, you have no basis to make any judgement otherwise.

 

She is also in full recognition that there are deep issues that need to be fixed, I love her the way she is, and the biggest reason I am posting on here is that I am afraid, not for my own sake, but for her sake as she struggles and fails to get on top of these issues she has. The situation is not toxic 24/7, it is idyllic at least 80% of the time, but the bad times are becoming more regular and I want to minimize it, not for my sake primarily, but for her sake and the sake of our relationship.

 

My inability to walk away is because i believe in the love that we have and the strength and depth of that love. I am not seeking or expecting a 100% fix to this, We are both in need of a greater degree of stability.

 

Having to argue with strangers who seem intent on making value based judgements that they are not qualified to make is making me somewhat regret ever posting on here.

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I think you're very frustrated and it's coming across in a way that makes you appear callous and controlling. I don't think you really are but I do think you need to take that down a few notches so that you can think a bit more clearly.

 

I have the sense that you're paying a lot of lip service also but not respecting her emotions because you're frustrated with her overall (the situation has escalated). Take a breather for a moment and come back to this at a later time - don't continue pursuing any issues and it's a good idea to explain to her when finding a solution is not the solution (there is a time for everything). Usually when a person is breaking down and having a fit, it's not the best time to rationalize and it's really not your job to talk that person down. Being a good listener without becoming her punching bag helps. Be firm once the conversation begins to escalate and explain why this is not a good time to continue this discussion.

 

Time outs in the conversation are good if two people are devolving into a heated disagreement with no meeting of the minds or desire to see eye to eye. Yelling matches are not healthy, attacking a person's personality or finding reasons to undermine a person's opinion regardless of their past or what kind of damaged goods that person is is is not appropriate. It is ok to take time outs and the other should feel reminded or safe that the conversation will continue at a later time (no one is checking out). I do recognize that you're attempting to be empathetic of her childhood but resist the urge bringing it up regularly. You may mention it in more neutral terms when both of you are calm and address the issues with consideration to her past but try not to make it the focal point.

 

I'd also be cautious about the way you view her emotions and the way you use the term depression. Everyone is allowed to feel their emotions and feel sad in any given situation. If we sense it is not a safe place to express emotions or sadness (especially in relationships), that person may feel invalidated and eventually shut out. You seem to fear her emotions and her sadness and continue to link it to her past "trauma". Stop doing this as it's hurting your relationship and you're undermining her ability to feel and express herself in any given situation.

 

You also (unfortunately) cannot force her to get her liver checked further. Keep encouraging her to go. Do not guilt-trip her. This is a form of mind control that also makes you appear controlling or domineering but what you really are is extremely worried and also frustrated by her response. Encouragement and positive reinforcement go a long way instead of guilt. If she's taking steps to bettering her health or expresses fear, listen to her emotions as they are a direct response and a key in encouraging her to listen to her own thoughts and helping herself. Remember that she has to want to help herself not because it's out of an obligation to you or your relationship. Empower her and encourage her.

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i have googled and read them many times before, believe it or not, i am very thougthful and have read many things that i think could apply to me and to her.

 

Without a doubt i want to help her, but I am under no illusions that I, myself can be her saviour in full - that is not white knight syndrome as I understand it. It is a loving approach to help someone get past a traumatic start to their life.

 

I definitely have one of the co-dependent traits, especially caretaking, but I am not controlling at all, not unrealistic about what I expect, i do not obsess over her or anything, I have no problem with being intimate with her, i communicate freely with her (within the constraints of her anger-mine field) etc. So im not sure if I could be co-dependent with only one of the traits, but I do have that trait pretty strongly. its also worth noting that I have never exhibited this trait in any other relationship, but for someone who I love, my instinct is and will always be synpathy and offers of support and help - which i accept has probably been shielding her form the realities of her rage.

 

Perhaps you are right in your observation that I should not make her liver problem about me, or our relationship, in the sense that as a strategy, it has backfired. But the point remains that, looking after you physical, emotional and psychological health is an act of Love to yourself and the people who you love in your life. that is a fact and i shouldn't have to pretend like that isn't a fact and not point that out when she falls short of that mark.

 

I can accept thje fact that I have effectively been enabling her, but i fear the short term reactions I will get if I stop being being able to tolerate the abuse and the threats of self harm that will likely arise.

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your not showing much emotioanl mturity yourself, you obviously dont understand how trauma affects people, when they rage, they think theya re raging at you, thety are not, they are raging at themselves, at their past, at the perpetrator of the abuse against them.

 

She is the love of my life, and I am the love of her life, we know this to be true, you have no basis to make any judgement otherwise.

 

She is also in full recognition that there are deep issues that need to be fixed, I love her the way she is, and the biggest reason I am posting on here is that I am afraid, not for my own sake, but for her sake as she struggles and fails to get on top of these issues she has. The situation is not toxic 24/7, it is idyllic at least 80% of the time, but the bad times are becoming more regular and I want to minimize it, not for my sake primarily, but for her sake and the sake of our relationship.

 

My inability to walk away is because i believe in the love that we have and the strength and depth of that love. I am not seeking or expecting a 100% fix to this, We are both in need of a greater degree of stability.

 

Having to argue with strangers who seem intent on making value based judgements that they are not qualified to make is making me somewhat regret ever posting on here.

Look after your own issues of codependency, white knight syndrome and control and you will find that you are much more settled and she in turn will respond to the new you in a more acceptable manner to you. If she won't get into therapy you should reconsider your relationship or at the very least, with the help of your therapist, learn how to accept her the way she is without trying to control. If you don't do that, then you are destined to feel the way your currently do (unsettled and abused) for the rest of your lives together.

 

We tend to attract people who are slightly above or slightly below our own mental/mature/psychological health. Think about that.

 

After reading your response above its also clear that you are in denial about your own tendencies.

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Adding: Harvey, I know it sounds like there is very little empathy in the responses (I've/We've) been giving you but this forum is to get you to get on the off ramp to your tunnel vision and look at your situation from another route. I/we understand your frustration and your concern. With the aid of your therapist, (consider him/her your GPS system) you will have a better chance at navigating your life with her.

 

Good luck (sincerely)

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If you went to a doctor/therapist yourself you will get a much better understanding of all this and the entire dynamic of it. However, you'll have to pay for that. At this point, you're guessing how to handle it.

i have googled and read them many times before, believe it or not, i am very thougthful and have read many things that i think could apply to me and to her.
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Excellent and fair advice Rose, thanks so much!

 

I really appreciate it.

 

I certainly wont be guilt tripping her in the future, i didn't do so intentionally, but i see that is effectively what I have tried to do and I will apologize to her for doing so and explain that I am worried and that is all.

 

I am wary of mentioning her past trauma, and I do not do so in arguments as I know this is not a weapon to be used against someone. I only have it as a tool for understanding and a fuel for tolerating the worse aspects of her outbursts. However she does use it, rarely to be fair, as an excuse for her outbursts and general mood swinging, so in essence it works for her as a tool to avoid taking responsibility for her lack of control, on some occasions.

 

I am not against taking time outs at all, and i think that is a good idea, although it saddens me that it has come to this.

 

You are right that I am very frustrated and it is insightful of you to observe that is can or has come across as callous and controlling, I am trying to ensure that my efforts to mend this are coming from a good place, not a place of frustration. But I am only human and therefore susceptible to the same provocations as anyone i suppose, but I will try to do better.

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Excellent and fair advice Rose, thanks so much!

 

I really appreciate it.

 

I certainly wont be guilt tripping her in the future, i didn't do so intentionally, but i see that is effectively what I have tried to do and I will apologize to her for doing so and explain that I am worried and that is all.

 

I am wary of mentioning her past trauma, and I do not do so in arguments as I know this is not a weapon to be used against someone. I only have it as a tool for understanding and a fuel for tolerating the worse aspects of her outbursts. However she does use it, rarely to be fair, as an excuse for her outbursts and general mood swinging, so in essence it works for her as a tool to avoid taking responsibility for her lack of control, on some occasions.

 

I am not against taking time outs at all, and i think that is a good idea, although it saddens me that it has come to this.

 

You are right that I am very frustrated and it is insightful of you to observe that is can or has come across as callous and controlling, I am trying to ensure that my efforts to mend this are coming from a good place, not a place of frustration. But I am only human and therefore susceptible to the same provocations as anyone i suppose, but I will try to do better.

 

You're welcome. Take it easy and go back to that initial/original love and care that both of you have together. Sometimes when we are caught up in difficulties or miscommunications with each other, we tend to replay those instances in error and it can colour our outlook over time and in future conversations. She may or may not need real help from someone qualified or a psychologist to help her work through her insecurities and fears related to her childhood. I'd encourage her to see someone also if she shows interest in working through those memories. It is not ok to use as a scapegoat during disagreements or as an excuse to belittle or hurt someone else (I'm speaking about the way she may be addressing her past difficulties). If she does bring it up, I would remain as neutral as possible without antagonizing the situation or placing heavy emphasis on it. There's a difference between acknowledging and zoning right in. I do sense your worry. Since she is close to you, the level of acknowledgement and worry is warranted. I think the key is in empowering each other.

 

I dislike the term enabling, personally, as it devalues attempts made on both sides to understand and create safer spaces. I do understand it exists and there are some situations that definitely involve enabling partners but in order to climb out of it, I think it needs to transition to empowering and safe/healthy distances (knowing when it is not in our power to change someone or a situation). I think it's in all of us to enact those safe spaces and encourage growth both personally and in others. You shouldn't be her therapist but you should feel confident in practicing your own safe spaces/distances and in your ability to remain firm when it comes to confusing situations, especially situations that are fraught with worry.

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We tend to attract people who are slightly above or slightly below our own mental/mature/psychological health. Think about that.

 

Succinctly put.

 

We can join you in the dissection of her psychology that has occupied the better part of a decade of your life, but that very dissection wouldn't be necessary if you were invested in someone who, in your deepest core, you believed was capable of meeting you at your level or who was in many respects stronger, more stable than you, functioning at a level you had no choice by to admire and could only sustain a connection with by functioning at your highest level.

 

While I believe your affection and compassion for her is genuine, I don't get the sense that you have much genuine faith in her, or respect for her, at least not as much as you have faith and respect in your own ability to "deal" with her and the general business of living. You yourself said that you're able to handle all this, largely, because you don't take her seriously. You said this with a trace of pride, even. Think about that for a moment. Imagine someone saying that about you, even thinking it about you.

 

All anyone wants, regardless of their station in life, is to be taken seriously, to be respected for who they are not for who they might be with some coaxing and patience. I'd imagine that she is very much aware—on a cellular, if not a cerebral, level—that you regard her a bit more as patient or project than a person—that, gun to head, you do not believe she is as skilled in the basic business of being a human being as you are.

 

So she goes about reclaiming her selfhood, and escaping your belittling gaze, through destructive means: lashing out, throwing tantrums, neglecting her own health in favor of finding some way to "stand up" to you. None of that is mature, all of that prevents her, you, and you two, from growing. But, hey, it "works." She gets taken seriously in a way—becoming the subject of a thread like this, to say nothing of your girlfriend for nine years—but it's a warped way that, ultimately, just keeps you both rooted in roles neither of you want to play.

 

Rose has offered some great advice. Being honest, though, I think a lot of that is more theoretical, in this case, than applicable; it's a bit like trying to make one relationship into a completely different one. It skips over the hardest thing to at least consider here, which is that you want your girlfriend to be someone she is not, and have perhaps spent more time than not thinking of her along these lines; that your frustrations right now are that your efforts to coax her into the person she could be in your imagination have been met with resistance, depriving you of the reward.

 

Maybe, early, you got that reward. You could hold her hand as she navigated some minor (in your mind) fire beneath her toes. She was grateful. You, meanwhile, were empowered by her gratitude. But you've both worn out those roles, become tired by playing them, as two adults generally get tired of playing the role of parent and child alongside each other.

 

Removing her from the equation here, I have to ask: Do you feel that you can grow, as a person, alongside her? Right now it sounds like you've equated personal growth with being able to "grow" her, but often when we find ourselves obsessed with another's shortcomings and psychology it's a way of sidestepping some of our own that could use attention.

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I think it comes down to fundamental beliefs in each other and whether either party is invested in the relationship. I'm coming from this as a married person interpreting a committed relationship. Of course, if the relationship doesn't carry much commitment on both sides, we might as well throw the baby out with the bath water. I'm not inclined to think in that way. Level of investment and commitment matters and that's between the OP and his girlfriend.

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Thanks for your response bluecastle, i honestly appreciate the time and effort you have gone to.

 

When i said i dont take her seriously, i qualified that statement by making it clear that I am referring to the ridiculous and (by her own admission) completely baseless name calling etc. that she is prone to when in the rage. I take her issues extremely seriously, but i don take offence at the rage based toxicity that comes from her in those terrible moments. If i did, we wouldn't be together.

 

there seems to be a mis-interpretation, perhaps its my fault in my original description, that I somehow look down on her, i assure you i do not, i look up to her in many ways, across to her in some others and i have sympathy for her flaws because i know form where they stem. I do not regard her as a patient, or myself as a doctor, i regard us as partners in a relationship in which one of us has deep seated issues to contend with. That is actually how it is in reality. I promise you I am not mis-leading you or giving myself a shining write up. I am after real help and I know that mis-representing the situation will increase the chances of real help. It is a fact that she is not as skilled in the basic business of being a human being, shes admits this, all her family can attest to this, to pretend that isnt the case cannot be helpful, surely?

 

I am not wanting her to be someone she is not, i understand that there is probably no final solution to this, in as much of here anger and negative core bleiefs ever changing, what i am trying to achieve is a greater degree of stability. that is all. She wants stability, she wants to be freed from this tendency to rage and crash and to go through these traumatic cycles. For the majority of the time she is fun, extremely loving and caring, not attention seeking, supremely intelligent, hard working and she optimistically plans for our future together. That is who she really is, or who she would be all the time, more or less, if it was not for the baggage of her childhood trauma.

 

I do feel i can grow, i know I have grown massively in our time together, in so many ways. Undoubtedly i have more growing to do, but i want us to grow together, i can handle her outbursts, and i do say that with pride, because it takes strength to do so. My concern is that she cannot go on experiencing such anger and our relationship cannot survive and is not healthy until we can reduce these instances.

 

People seem to have a cookie cutter mold for me as a "white knight" or "co-dependent" and seem to be mis-reading or not trusting what I am saying.

 

I know I have made mistakes in how I have tried to deal with this, I am looking for help with that

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My concern is that she cannot go on experiencing such anger and our relationship cannot survive and is not healthy until we can reduce these instances.

 

It takes two. If what you are looking for is to change her and she is unwilling to change (and vice versa), what you have are serious and fundamental differences. Go back to your level of commitment to each other and figure out whether either of you see a future in this. If either of you have one foot out the door already, there's little room for compromise and understanding. I still don't feel you're coming from a place of desire to understand or compromise with her and you are entitled to that. Maybe neither of you are equipped to handle a longer term relationship at this time or you are not compatible with each other.

 

Dating is about learning what works and what doesn't work for a couple. If neither or one of you are as invested, don't draw this out longer than it should be. Never coerce or force someone to change when that person is showing you signs of not wanting to change or not being as invested in the relationship as you are.

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I hear you.

 

I also hear you giving a tremendous amount of weight to her childhood trauma as being the root issue here—that you find a kind of comfort in that, perhaps from the beginning, to offset the moments of deep discomfort that come from being with her as an adult. I'd put it differently. To my eyes it's about how she copes with the childhood trauma, how she processes it, which is, well, a reflection of and extension of who she is rather than what once happened to her. A major spice in the stew that we call "character."

 

It's all tricky business, this stuff.

 

Just as traumatic events affect people differently, different people bring out different sides in us—some naturally accentuating strengths, others weaknesses, as we ourselves go about the forever business of learning to harness our strengths and stand tall against our weaknesses. That's all how character is built, how it evolves, changes shape—through connecting with ourselves and with others. And sometimes, without realizing it, we end up attaching to people who bring out our weaker sides to the detriment of our character.

 

That both of you are prone to highlighting her childhood trauma during moments of friction is telling—and, perhaps, not the healthiest. It's like opening the door for something in the past to have more power in the present than it needs, than is healthy. It's making "damage" part of your bond. That can feel very powerful and vulnerable early, but at the end of the day people want to feel empowered, not broken, and I get the feeling that inside your relationship she is frozen in a semi-broken state, that she has learned to find "power" by leaning into that rather than evolving from it, since you are pretty hardwired to forgive or excuse her sharp edges as being connected to her "damage" rather than one of the many ingredients that simply make her who she is.

 

Not a healthy dynamic, all that. Can you outgrow that, together? Perhaps, perhaps not. I'm curious to know how old you guys are.

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People seem to have a cookie cutter mold for me as a "white knight" or "co-dependent" and seem to be mis-reading or not trusting what I am saying.

Its what you are saying that indicates that you may very well be both of those things but you refuse to accept that there could be an emotional and/or psychological problem in yourself.

 

Anyway, I think you would do well, as said, to get your own therapy to help you deal with her issues. You, (like what the people on that plane I mentioned earlier) have to look after your own self first before you'll ever be able to successfully make even the smallest dint in what is her makeup. I hesitate to label (as its frowned upon here) but your partner sounds borderline personality disordered at the worst and suffering from post traumatic stress (from her childhood) at best. You have zero chance of helping her improve her mental state without the help of a professional (for both of you).

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