Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Just want to move on

  1. #1
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    6

    Just want to move on

    I am 29. He is 25. We dated for about 4 months in total (about 8 months on and off). The first month, I was only exploring and hadn't committed to him. He put a lot of pressure on me to be sure about him early on and I simply was not. I needed to know him better and it was long distance i.e. we had not even met in person yet. Still, I did not want to lead him on when he needed certainty. So I broke it off saying there was no chemistry. But I was so drawn to him and went back six weeks later. I told him that I simply needed more time.

    It was only through phone conversations, but an issue that arose before resurfaced. He is passive, and I want assertive. I made the biggest mistake which was the death of the relationship. I compared him with another guy who acted more confidently. Thus, unintentionally, and without knowing what I was doing, I pressed on his weakest point, put salt on his childhood wounds, lowered his self-esteem, and made him feel emasculated, rejected, and worthless.

    I highly regretted my reckless behavior, and sincerely apologized to him --repeatedly-- and tried to make amends. This was all before we even met in person. I know-- very childish and immature. I have no excuse at all except that this was my first real relationship. My actions were reckless and not malicious, but they nevertheless were very, very mean and hurtful and I regret them to this day.

    I don't know why, but he agreed to meet me in person anyway (perhaps just to be polite). I flew across the country. When we met, we both felt like we knew each other in a different lifetime and like we were soulmates. We didn't want to leave each other's presence, and couldn't wait to see each other again. I stayed for three days, and we spent many hours together.

    When I left his state, I couldn't wait for him to come visit me in mine. Things looked really, really good. We talked on the phone daily and Skyped for hours on end. We fell in love. Our families met (on Skype). We both wanted commitment and marriage and things looked good, so we got engaged without the official ceremony. Yes... we moved way too fast. But I really felt like he was my soulmate and that he was "the one." He was reliable, made me a priority, was caring, loving, etc. However, I would be lying if I said that passiveness suddenly became attractive to me. That is a quality I do not find attractive in men, even though my heart attached to this particular man and I fell in love with his other qualities.

    I was transparent with him that I want assertiveness. I later learned that while honesty is important, honesty is not full honesty without kindness (and, on the flip side, kindness is not truly kindness without honesty).

    Unfortunately, he could not let go of the instance when I had compared him to another guy, and apparently I was not making him feel masculine enough even though I did not repeat that mistake and was overly reassuring to him that he was the only one I wanted and that I was fully committed to him and only him. He did not believe me. He felt insecure and told me that he felt like I was settling for him and he did not want a wife like that. He was worried I would be swept off my feet by another more assertive guy.

    I swore to him that he was the only one I wanted and tried to reassure him over and over. It was frustrating that my reassurances were falling on deaf ears. I felt disrespected, as well, because I know my own mind. Yes, I made a mistake and I do not discount that. But I am a grown woman who values marriage and commitment. Once I committed to him I would rather die before leaving him for someone else. But he could not believe me. It got to the point where I felt like I was being falsely accused of cheating, and I started feeling scared because his mistrust led to some signs of controlling behavior. For example, he wanted me to work in women-dominated environments, change the way I dress, and wanted the right to make me drop any friend he felt was having a bad influence on me. Essentially, his mind created a dark image of me as a girl who strays and can't be trusted. The image could not be further from the truth, and my family and friends who have known me for years reassured me that I was not this loose girl he imagined.

    My gut told me in a very strong manner that I could not live the rest of my life with a man who disrespected me and was not trusting me. I had only been with him for a few months and it did not seem worth sacrificing more of our time and hearts.

    So, exactly six months ago today, I broke up with him.

    Of course, that confirmed all his worst fears that I would leave him (except I did not leave him for someone else but simply due to fear and a strong gut feeling that this relationship was bad for me).

    Unfortunately, the fear led me to break up with him in an abrupt way and six weeks later -- only due to EXCRUCIATING physical stomach pain that would not go away and after seeking counsel from friends and family -- I emailed him asking him to talk about the reasons we broke up so that we could both have peace.

    He responded in the most rude, condescending manner (I know he was simply hurt and angry). We followed that up with an 8-hour phone conversation wherein he expressed how hurt he was, and accused me of seducing him and playing him. I never played him. I got my family involved and had every hope that the relationship would work out. He thought I played him because I wanted a different type of guy. I understand his point of view although I do not agree with it. While assertiveness was important to me, I saw a future with this man and truly felt (still feel) that I love him. Anyway, I know his anger was just a manifestation of his pain.

    After that, we both considered getting back together (emotions flying high...) but the underlying issues of mistrust and his insecurity remained. Thus, we went back and forth --painfully-- for a couple months. Finally, he broke up with me saying this was just too painful but that he loves me and will always love me. It truly was very painful. :(

    Since then (about 4 months ago) we have had zero contact. I deleted his social media out of the pain of seeing him online everyday.

    This was my first relationship and taught me countless lessons. It was also very unhealthy and way too intense/quick. I guess that is partly why I am having trouble moving on.

    It is so ironic because he thought I was disloyal and to this day I feel like it would be a betrayal to him to talk to anyone else in the romantic context. Once I committed to him, I felt it was forever.

    I have cried almost everyday for the past six months and fell into depression. I am concerned that this will affect my work, and my appetite and sleep has been off. This experience has taught me a lot about grief, loss, patience, and acceptance. (Still struggling with that last one).

    I go back and forth between wanting him back (missing him intensely and feeling that I will never love anyone the way I love him) and wanting to move on. Some people tell me that I will only forget him when I meet another guy but I don't feel comfortable doing this again and it would be unfair to talk to another guy while I am in love with this man.

    I just want to stop obsessing over this, and move on with my life.
    Last edited by joyafterloss; 08-25-2019 at 11:25 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,858
    Gender
    Female
    When someone is controlling or attempts to exert control over another person either through thought or action, it's a reaction to deep insecurities. There's a difference in stating an opinion and creating undue or inappropriate pressures surrounding differences in opinion or thought. This person is not mentally stable and I think you should be a bit more aware of the way you use language to tell a story (more specifically your story). You've used words like "death of a relationship" and "I would rather die before leaving him". These are extremes in language and response that are far too excessive and a tad over-dramatic. You've internalized a lot of guilt (your first few paragraphs).

    Slough off that type of negative thinking and let go of those extremes. Try working on being flexible and resilient without foregoing your own thoughts and instincts or being a doormat. You certainly do have instincts and better judgment. Follow those. This isn't the end but a rebirth.

  3. #3
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    6
    Thank you so much, Rose, for your kind words of wisdom. The thing that bothers me so much is I recognize that he is somewhat insecure and unstable but I can't stop being consumed by the idea of him. I think I have a bit of my own instability in that regard. Part of me feels like he needs someone stronger than me to deal with his insecurities, because I am someone who entertains his accusations grounded in mistrust, even though they are untrue, and I end up with low self esteem myself. But another part of me wants to sacrifice the world and move heaven and earth to make things work with him. <---there I go again with extreme statements..... just wish I could be with him because I don't want anyone else.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2019
    Location
    British Columbia, Canada
    Posts
    2,858
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by joyafterloss
    Thank you so much, Rose, for your kind words of wisdom. The thing that bothers me so much is I recognize that he is somewhat insecure and unstable but I can't stop being consumed by the idea of him. I think I have a bit of my own instability in that regard. Part of me feels like he needs someone stronger than me to deal with his insecurities, because I am someone who entertains his accusations grounded in mistrust, even though they are untrue, and I end up with low self esteem myself. But another part of me wants to sacrifice the world and move heaven and earth to make things work with him. <---there I go again with extreme statements..... just wish I could be with him because I don't want anyone else.
    You're welcome. I'd try to look beyond the relationship and at everything else as a whole whether it's your work, your friendships with others, your relationships with your coworkers or your family, any community work or volunteer work that you do, your hobbies, interests and things that cause you to grow in good ways. It's not uncommon to become consumed by a relationship and if you're finding that you don't exactly have anything else outside of what this relationship was, you may be only now recognizing that you've lost that balance in your life. It's a good thing to stay balanced and learn to manage different parts of your life. It's generally not healthy to place all your happiness on one person. The relationship itself becomes a little stale with all that added pressure.

    Take your time going through all those feelings of sadness and hurt. Introduce or re-introduce your hobbies, interests and other relationships/friendships (meet new people and catch up with people already in your life). Put things in perspective. I think that may help. The more you see things as a whole the more likely you may be able to see that he is just one part of that whole (a part of the past but nevertheless still part of your memories that make you you). Eventually when you're ready you'll be able to let that part of your life go and fall in love again with someone else. It's not unusual at this time that you can't see past what he was or what he represents to you.

    Give yourself time to breathe, stay single and put things in perspective.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Member
    Join Date
    Aug 2019
    Posts
    6
    Rose, thank you again. I've read some of your other posts on this forum and they are so balanced, full of wisdom and most importantly (and rare to find) non-judgmental. God bless you.

    Although I'm still crying a lot and miss him terribly, I'm hoping to shift focus to my career/apply for new positions and try to gain that balance in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to be picking up the pieces like this, like I'm tired of this all. But I remembered Kipling's "If" (one of my favorite poems) earlier. These verses, especially, stand out:

    If you can make one heap of all your winnings
    And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
    And lose, and start again at your beginnings
    And never breathe a word about your loss;
    If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
    To serve your turn long after they are gone,
    And so hold on when there is nothing in you
    Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’


Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •