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Thread: Is abuse forgivable?

  1. #1
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    Is abuse forgivable?

    Iíve been with my boyfriend for 8 months. Iím currently 10 weeks pregnant.

    I realized he had an alcohol problem half way in. I could never understand why he would get so angry over little things. It was like a completely different person. Heís thrown hangers, clothes a book and an empty bottle at me. Iíve always tried to justify these things by saying the liquor bottle was plastic, the book he threw next to me. Iíve tried to justify him calling me a , a tweeker ( I have no idea why he would call me this. I do really good at work and work hard and I like to keep my house clean. So whenever I would clean or move a picture or bring work home he called me a tweeker).

    I do feel like an idiot because he low keyed moved in without us ever talking about it. We discussed it but it was never set it stone. He never offered to pay anything until I found out I was pregnant 2 months ago. Anytime I wanted to spend the night alone he would flip so I just stopped saying it. I think I become codependent. My self esteem felt so weak after all of the names and yelling.

    I donít think I was perfect at all. Iím trying to explain this in a way so itís not all blamed on him. I just donít remember doing anything to deserve these things.

    So he promised he would stop drinking. He claims he went 2 weeks and then went to a friends house. I had him take a breathalyzer. Maybe it was wrong but I needed to know because of the monster hes capable of turning into when he is drinking. He lied over and over again even after failing. Then finally admitted it the next day while at a friends house drinking. He apologized and said he went 2 weeks already and didnít want to give up having a couple of beers with friends. And I understood this. I was so conflicted. His dad is an alcoholic and I just didnt know what or how to react.

    He decided to not come back for a week. Everyday he told me he didnít want to see me, that I all I do is . He said horrible things. He wouldnít answer his phone and would only text. So fast forward a whole week. He decides he wants to come back. He told me the whole week he was depressed thinking of me and at his friends house. He let me see his phone. He didnít think I would look in his pictures but I did. He had a video of his friends girlfriend with underwear and a shirt on and the boyfriend smacking her ass. He also had a snapshot of 3 escorts phone numbers. He got furious and grabbed the phone from me. He took my phone and found nothing. He refused to give me my phone back and when I tried to get it he shoved me into the couch. He punched a hole into my wall. He told me Iím not allowed to ask him any questions about that week. He even told me he was going to have sex with somebody and send me a video of it.

    I canít even describe how completely broken I was. It was almost debilitating. He left. Apologized and then literally 2 hours later texted me asking if he can f*ck. I was so confused. This isnít the person I fell in love with.

    I ended up writing him a closure letter and ending it. He never thought I would do that. I always accepted it for some reason. He promised his friend sent him the pictures of the escorts. He sent me his call logs and heís the one that called atleast 5 different ones. One in particular he exchanged 10 different calls too. He initially called at 2 am and she called back at 8 am and numerous calls were made. The last of which he called 3 times 40 minutes after their last conversation. He promised he didnít see her and said he cussed her out. He told me he would have seen her but she thought he was a cop. He said he ignored me all week because he was doing cocaine and hanging out with losers that heíll never hang out with again. He said he couldnít answer his phone because he told me so many lies he didnít know what to say.

    Heís begging for me to take him back. Why I am I justifying his behavior. I feel like Iím holding on to what I thought this was. I tried to call the escort but sheís not answering. Not to be mean but I just want to know. If he never saw her why are there so many calls?

    Am I being stupid right now for trying to justify any of his behavior?

    I know I wasnít perfect. I was hormonal and trying to get over the names heís called me.

    He keeps apologizing and has been going to AA almost every day. Iím so conflicted because I know the person heís capable of being. Are people able to change..

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    Forgiving and putting up with abuse is NOT the same . Alcoholics in recovery are not supposed to be having relationships. You need to concentrate on your pregnancy unless you want your baby abused too. A child watching their parent be abused IS an abused child . When your child is born a file for sole custody and file for child support . This guy is a waste of time. Make sure you document absolutely everything so he only gets supervised visitation .

  3. #3
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    I know itís not the same. I donít know why itís so hard to let go. I have this glimmer of hope because heís apologizing and going to AA that maybe he will change.

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    Imagine your child growing up watching his or her father abuse their mother. Imagine how you'll feel if he starts abusing your child.

    No, he won't stop. Not without intensive therapy and alcohol abuse treatment. Even still...Google success rates of treatment for domestic abusers. Last time I checked the success rate was 1%. You read that right. Out of every 100 abusers who actively seek and complete a treatment program, only one will never abuse again.

    Let me share with you something my ex told me. He too treated me poorly (although none of the frightening behaviors your boyfriend is exhibiting)..."You know what I'm like but you keep coming back. I figure you must like being treated like that."

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  6. #5
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I will tell you I have C-PTSD because my mom stayed with an abusive dynk and his abusive family.

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    Thatís terrible Iím sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

    He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didnít realize the extent of it and didnít know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

    Iím not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I donít think Iíve ever been in a healthy relationship.

    I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say itís abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything heís said to me.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Shadow2019
    Thatís terrible Iím sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

    He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didnít realize the extent of it and didnít know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

    Iím not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I donít think Iíve ever been in a healthy relationship.

    I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say itís abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything heís said to me.
    So you want to have your child experience the same upbringing you did? You want your child to marry an abuser?

    It's time to get tough. It's not just about you anymore. You are responsible for another life now. How do you want that life to be? Full of fear, terror, abuse? Or love and security?

    Please make the right choice for your child.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Shadow2019
    Thatís terrible Iím sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

    He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didnít realize the extent of it and didnít know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

    Iím not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I donít think Iíve ever been in a healthy relationship.

    I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say itís abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything heís said to me.
    This is why itís typically advised to get to know someone well before procreating with them.

    Too little too late I realize. I think forgiveness is subjective and up to the individual. Itís something you really have to look within and decide.

    If a man is all talk while continuing to be destructive the odds of success unfortunately arenít in your favor

  10. #9
    Platinum Member shellyf62's Avatar
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    Change the locks, block his calls & stay as far away from him as you can. He is an abuser & nothing you say or do can change that.
    DO you have family you can stay with? You need someone to look out for you, dont try & do all of this alone.

  11. #10
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    Get away from this man. None of this abuse is justifiable, no. The idea of him attracted you, but that person doesn't exist. You're clinging on to a fantasy that sadly has no basis in reality.

    I would speak to an attorney regarding your rights to protect your still-unborn child from his/her abusive, unstable father. You are going to need legal counsel in arranging what will happen after the birth. Your ex is the father; you cannot simply cut him off without running the risk of landing yourself in hot water. Speak to someone who is experienced in dealing with such issues, and find out what exactly your and your child's rights are

    Equally important would be to get an immediate screen for STIs and HIV. I would not believe for a moment that he has not had sexual contact with anyone else while with you, nor would I believe he possesses enough sound judgment to have been safe about it. I realize you have probably already had some tests as a matter of routine when you discovered you were pregnant, but you need to speak to your OBGYN again about what has recently transpired. He or she will advise you and arrange for relevant testing, and try to mitigate the risk to your baby.

    I would also strongly encourage you to seek counselling. It is alarming that you are having trouble extricating yourself from this toxicity, but a good professional can help you untangle those complicated emotions and help you navigate this new phase of your life. There are evidently some issues that need to be addressed so you aren't attracted to the same unhealthy men in the future.

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