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Thread: Is abuse forgivable?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He is extremely abusive. You cannot justify it anymore. You need to protect your child and yourself and get away and stay away.

    This has gone far beyond fixable.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    We forgive to lighten the emotional burden on ourselves. Anger is a burden that serves no purpose and hurts ourselves. People forgive murder; whether something is forgivable is not a standard.

    We may forgive much, and will feel happier for doing so. Forgive, yes.

    It remains an unacceptable behavior that inflicts pain and violence where acceptance and affection are intended.

    Abuse is never an acceptable choice for ourselves. The longer we are abused, the less we think of ourselves, making it even harder to protect ourselves.

    Please please put yourself first.

  3. #13
    Member ThatGirlTayl's Avatar
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    Yeah, no. The reason you feel like you can't live without him is because you are beginning to be trauma bonded to him. Him giving you intermittent reinforcement by giving you a glimpse of the person you thought you were in love with and then going back to abusing you becomes addictive. Also, him repeatedly abandoning you and coming back also keeps you hooked, because each time he leaves your brain goes through withdrawal and then he comes back and it's like your brain gets another hit like a drug.

    This pattern is not going to change, he's not going to change, the grand gesture of him trying to get you back is classical abuser behavior. He will do everything to try tp get his control over his "possession" back. That's how he sees you as an object, as something to control. As soon as he gets you back, the nice act will last maybe a week and he will go back to being abusive. Your brain is addicted to him.


    The longer you stay, the more addicted you will become, and the harder it will be for you to leave. The abuse will get worse. It always does. It will escalate. Not to mention this guy is definitely not father material and having a kid with him will not make him magically change into whatever fantasy you have of him.

    Please leave or you will wind up feeling like how you do now for the rest of your life.

    A really good book that I think will clear up your confusion about him is "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft.

    And do you have anyone in your life who can be a good support person? You shouldn't be going through this alone.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Shadow2019
    Thatís terrible Iím sorry he said that to you and had to go through that.

    He did tell me that I knew he was an alcoholic when I met him. I didnít realize the extent of it and didnít know about the cocaine. I just thought he liked to drink sometimes.

    Iím not trying to come off as an idiot. My parents fought a lot growing up and broke up when I was young. I donít think Iíve ever been in a healthy relationship.

    He should not be in a relationship for some time if he is working on getting sober. You do not know who he can be, as he has always been a drunk.

    Does he have a job?

    I know this should be as easy as 1 + 1. If I tell anybody this story they will say itís abuse. I keep thinking I should have been nicer to him the past month because he was trying and I was being mean trying to get over everything heís said to me.
    Isn't alcoholism bad enough! I don't understand why you keep forgiving, justifying, excusing and taking back this abusive drunk. Then, you decide to subject a child to this mess! Get sole custody and keep the kid away from this guy.

    Even without the booze, he would be abusive. For the sake of your child, I hope you finally wake up and be done with him. He will not change!

    Get some help for abuse and co dependency.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Shadow2019
    I know itís not the same. I donít know why itís so hard to let go. I have this glimmer of hope because heís apologizing and going to AA that maybe he will change.
    Hmmm, how many times has he apologized before?

    "Am I being stupid right now for trying to justify any of his behavior?" YES!

  7. #16
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    He is an abusive alcoholic who will take your life apart if you let him. If you let him. That's the important part; you have a free choice in this. Nobody knows if he'll actually stick with AA (and, incidentally, alcoholics who really want to recover tend not to broadcast the fact. If he's serious about his recovery he'd be concentrating on that, and not trying to rekindle your relationship - he will have heeded the advice not to try and start significant relationships for the first year).

    One thing you need to remember is that any relationships will come second to the alcohol/drugs, though he may well come pursuing you in the hope that you'll finance his lifestyle right now. You've already managed to write to him to end the relationship, so stick with that. People are able to change, but it takes years, and they're only likely to do so when their lives hit rock bottom. By taking him back you'd prevent that from happening and would be unwittingly enabling his addictions.

    If you want help with understanding what's going on, I'd strongly recommend attending Alanon meetings rather than going to therapy. They have the advantage of being free, but also offer a level of insight which 1:1 therapy doesn't come anywhere near. Have a look at this website if you'd like to know more; the forums are particularly helpful: [Register to see the link] . They not only provide support for people like yourself, but you can also find out more about alcoholism - and what you can reasonably expect if you hang around with this guy.

    To answer your original question... forgiveness is often misunderstood, as though it means smiling, nodding and accepting more of the same. It doesn't. What it means is letting go of resentment so that you can move on and detach from the situation or person. The first person you need to forgive is yourself - don't berate yourself for being 'stupid' or 'hormonal' or thinking that you somehow deserved this rubbish - and acknowledge that you made mistakes, but are now choosing not to get embroiled again. The really significant mistake you made is sticking around with someone who abused you, rather than anything which actually happened in the relationship.

    Your unborn child is a separate issue; you really need to take legal advice on this and find out where you stand. It would be very damaging to try bringing up a child in an environment where addiction is present.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Do not make excuses for drug users, alcoholics, abusers and other assorted dregs whose selfishness destroys the lives of everyone around them. Get out of this mess asap. Delete and block him. You're not a rehab facility or his doctor, mother, fixer, etc. Stop trying to fix him. Stop being a martyr/victim. Stop. And run. Get into therapy to explore your intense need to try to fix dirt like this. Focus on more important things, like your career, education, friends, family, health and more elevated pursuits and interests.

  9. #18
    Member ThatGirlTayl's Avatar
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    Yeah, I don't think OP likes the advice she is getting here considering she posted this same exact question to Relarionship Talk. I really wish she would just leave this guy.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by ThatGirlTayl
    Yeah, I don't think OP likes the advice she is getting here considering she posted this same exact question to Relarionship Talk. I really wish she would just leave this guy.
    She's dealing with realizing her dream of him turning into a wonderful boyfriend and father after a couple of AA meetings isn't going to happen.

    I know you struggled with this same realization. It was hard for you too.

    I also was dealing with being involved with someone who treated me poorly (although he wasn't abusive). Fortunately he dumped me, otherwise I might have stuck around for four more years "hoping". I thought if he saw how much I loved him and how good I was to him he'd "change". But he didn't.

    The OP's boyfriend won't either. Someone who thinks it's OK to terrorize his romantic partner would need a lot more help than a few AA meetings.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Is abuse forgivable?
    In my book, no, and not EVER.

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