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Thread: I struggle to trust my boyfriend

  1. #1

    I struggle to trust my boyfriend

    My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 2,5 years and itís really been a rollercoaster. Heís done a lot of stupid stuff throughout the relationship, but he has never cheated (at least from what i know and believe) - the issue is that i really struggle with trusting him at the moment. I try to just ask for simple guidelines that i know lowers my worries like ęif you go out tonight could you text me so i dont become stressed out if youre suddenly not homeĽ (we live together) - and ęif your sleeping at one of the boys houses can you text me so i dont stay up worrying all night?Ľ (weíre only 20/21 so that in it self for me is not wierd) - and he cant even do those simple things most of the time and i have spent many nights crying out of frustrasion and worry because of that - and he knows how much it stresset me out - it would be to much to explain where my trust issues comes from, just know my reason is valid and he knows that very well - so this is my problem and i have two questions for you reading this

    This weekend my boyfriend was going to some work conference in Oslo - we live in norway - and he does that all the time with his new job - only usually he calls me when he lands, sends me pictuers of the hotellroom, and all around updates me on the trip - this time its different - he hasnít called once, he doesnt pick up when i call and has never called me back - just a couple of texts, also he has sent absolutley no pictures and seems to avoid doing so, he takes ages to answer my texts and iím almost positive that its not because hes ęso busyĽ - its not that kind of seminar - i know he avoids sending pics and answering me for a reason - but iím scared to bring it up when he comes home tonight because he always manages to make me feel crazy for no reason, or he just brushes it of by going around the question - its just really abnormal behaviour for him - but i dont want to sound like a desperate girlfriend who needs attention at all times and every hour needs to know where he is - because thats not what this is about...

    So am i overreacting or should i bring it up/how should i bring it up?

    Lastly, do you have some general advice how to work past trust issues and worrying? I really love him and i dont want to be a nervous werck all the time, its not who i am, iím Just easily worried... and i really dont feel like i Ask for much, so i feel like he has some work to do too, please help❤️ Sorry for the spelling my norwegian autocorrect is going crazy with all this english

  2. #2
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    I'm sorry to tell you this but no I don't think it's fair to ask him to check in with you as you request. You are not his mother. Different if you have plans and you want him to let you know if he'll be late, or if you have a shared responsibility over a pet - anything that impedes you being able to do your daily routine but no, he shouldn't have to check in with you when he is out socially - you must let him live his life and give him space. My husband and I have a child so yes I do appreciate a text that he arrived somewhere safely, if he's delayed etc (and yes sometimes I check on his flight status -he leaves his itinerary for me).

    How to "work past trust issues?"First no work needed if you do not trust him -if you don't trust him it's not fair to either of you to be in a relationship with him. Not sure what "stupid stuff" he did but typically if there was stupid stuff and both people want the relationship then the person who did the stupid stuff is usually on board with checking in more often, etc. So I'd need to know more about what he did, when, why, etc.

  3. #3
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    The specific checkup routine is too much. If you are not careful, it might actually stress him out and cause precisely the result that you do not want. (I mean losing him in general, not cheating specifically).

    Clinginess and neediness is not attractive, nor are trust issues. Guys need space, some need it more than others, it does not mean he is cheating. I am currently in a LDR with a clingy girlfriend, her demand to video chat everyday, including long sessions at the weekends, can actually be draining and make what should be a fun catch up feel like a chore. Sometimes when a guy goes radio silent, maybe he's just doing something really private/nerdy/embarrassing.

    Maybe he was binge watching some embarrassing TV show on Netflix cos he doesn't want you to judge him for liking some cheesy show, for example :P Totally not an example from personal experience!

  4. #4
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    I agree with Batya, you are not his mother, or prison warden, which frankly is how you're behaving with all your "he needs to check in" requests, good lord, great way to drive him off for good!.

    I don't know what 'stupid stuff' he's done and don't care, this isn't about that imo.

    This is about you; you don't trust him, period, and as such have NO business dating him or any man you don't trust.

    If your tendency is to become attracted to men who are untrustworthy, explore that internally and/or with the help of a qualified therapist.

    If you have trust issues generally, meaning guy could be a saint and you'd still find things to not trust, then same advice - explore within and seek good qualified therapist to help you navigate and resolve.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I agree as well that the photos of his hotel room and hourly type check-ins with you is way too much but the abrupt change of routine without telling you that he would not be doing such things again, to me is troubling.

    I think you should sit down with him and ask him to set up a "check-in" schedule that he would be willing to do and see if that will satisfy your over-the-top worrying. There is a compromise in everything and you two need to find a middle ground that satisfies the two of you that you BOTH can accept as being fair.

    I don't know about anyone else but it would be very rare for my husband or myself to not check in and let each other know that we safely arrived at our hotel and if it was a nice place etc. I think his total radio silence is concerning.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Whatever the reasons are, you trying to control his behaviour is creating what you donít want... he is distancing himself because he doesnít like having to be constantly updating you on his whereabouts. Sounds like he prefers to be a free spirit and do what he wants when he wants.... pretty typical of a 21 year old.

    Your BF is basically letting you know that your actions are pushing him away and he wants you to stop smothering him.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    You live together He SHOULD be calling you to tell you he won't be home (if too drunk to drive etc) if he's not coming home.

    Op: If he's not letting you know he won't be coming home, then that would be a very good reason why you don't trust him, *123Advice*

    When you agreed to live together, it is irresponsible and disrespectful to act single when he is not. Now, that being said, you have to lighten up on your need for constant checking in. There is a compromise to be had in this so sit down with him and figure out a check in arrangement that he will adhere to and what will squash your anxiety about his whereabouts.

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    I can understand you asking him to let you know if he's not coming home at night, given that you live together. That's not an unreasonable request. It is simply the considerate thing to do.

    However, I do agree with the others that checking in so frequently when he's traveling is a bit much. A quick note to let you know he's landed safely would suffice. Some communication here and there as general conversation is normal as well. It's the fear-driven motivation behind your requests to touch base that would concern me, and could be compelling him to take space when he knows you're trying to reach him.

    So my suggestion would be to go back to the source of your distrust. What is this "stupid stuff" he has done in the past? How were those issues addressed? How often is he staying out all night without letting you know he isn't coming home? There is more going on here if we step outside the immediate situation and look at the greater context. It won't be pleasant, but you may also need to ask yourself if you're both even on the same page anymore regarding your respective commitment to the relationship.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    I think about the only point I can agree with you on is that he call or text if he's not coming home that evening.

    Otherwise-- and with nothing but respect to couples who have the most reliable 9 - 5 on Earth and expect to see each other home at 5:30pm on the dot-- I can only speak personally in that both my wife and I have professional commitments that may extend beyond a certain time and have enough of a social life where spontaneous happy hours may happen. It's nice to get a heads up one of us won't be home until after 8:00pm or so, particularly for me as the cook between us, but if not, I assume her patient load may have kept her or her and a colleague may have gone out for a quick drink after a stressful day. There'll be plenty of time to complicate schedules once we start having kids. For now, yes, we're a couple, but we have our relative freedom to enjoy.

    With regard to this trip being different in his communication, yeah, I don't doubt it. Sounds like he's performing a hard correction. I'd take notice and rather than further complicate it getting upset with him, take a few steps back for him to breathe as a means of making his communication with you an outlet for leisure rather than a chore.

  11. #10
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    What j.man described above is how my relationships work too -- in fact if any of my boyfriends required me to 'check in' to the extent you do OP, I would feel very controlled, suffocated and stifled.

    Jmo but this is not about you 'worrying' about him, his safety or wanting to know he's ok, but rather to seek reassurance and alleviate your anxiety and insecurity.

    Seriously consider this OP, otherwise you will drive him away if you haven't already and any other man you date unless he is as insecure and needy as you are.

    All the best.

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