How to talk about "the little blue pill"

So, I have been dating the man of my dreams for the last 2 and 1/2 months. Everything is perfectly wonderful and great he's kind and gentle, attentive, he is everything that you could imagine. He holds my hand everywhere we go and always introduces me to everyone has his girlfriend and is always proud to show me off. The problem is that we have not yet had sex. It seems that every time we get to that point to where we would actually have sex his "stuff" doesn't work. I'm wondering how I would begin to or even have the entire conversation of "the little blue pill". I have no intention of betraying him in any way I love him more than I've ever loved anyone in my entire life. I just feel like I'm not satisfying him and I would love to be able to do that for him. So how do I go about having this conversation without making him feel uncomfortable, awkward or like he's not taking care of business?

It's not about you not satisfying him, it's his equipment doesnt function like it probably used to. Please dont think you are the problem. How old is he? If he's getting older, this is going to happen and that's where the little blue pill comes in.

 

It's a tough one to discuss, I had to have that convo with my husband and he did go to the doc and got the magic pill.

 

Hopefully he can see that you are not getting sexually satisfied and will want to talk to you about it.

He's 51, so I do understand that it's not me, it is the equipment not working the way it used to. I just don't know how to broach the subject. I do want to be able to satisfy him, I just don't know how to have the conversation especially with it being a new relationship.

You say that you want to satisfy him, which is fair enough, but he should be wanting to satisfy you too! Why isn't he taking steps himself to sort out the problem, rather than leaving you to think it's your fault? He has to know that the situation is very awkward for you both, but it's his body. Do you know enough about him to know if he's taking medication of any sort? Some antidepressants, for instance, can interfere with sexual function in certain people.

I agree that this seems to be all about his pleasure and what he wants and needs according to your train of thought , when , in my mind he carries the responsibility to approach this subject , espeically as you both are obviously getting quite hot between the sheets and then you are left feeling frustrated . I do however feel for him in every way at having to talk , explain , be proactive regarding a subject that must be so hard for a man to broach.

 

He needs more then a blue pill at this point , he needs to know what the deal is , for his mental and physical health . I am not trying to be unkind to him , but he has chosen to get involved and enter what sounds like quite an intense relationship 2 and half months in , knowing he has problems , so this is on him ...with of course your support and kindness .

 

I would just simply ask him what is going on down there and take the conversation from there ...The doctor been the end result for a health check .

First of all, knowing him 80 days, it's not love, it's infatuation. What does he say/act like when he can't perform? I know that in my first marriage, my husband had type 2 diabetes and the medicine affected his ability to perform. What shocked me is that he admitted he was embarrassed to mention this to the doctor. I can't imagine that mentality myself, since it seems an ability to enjoy one of the greatest pleasures of life should trump embarassment, but that's not always the case.

 

Eventually, he did end up getting Viagra, but it only worked twice. Because sometimes the pill doesn't work and some men get surgery with a pump inserted to basically pump up the member.

 

Regardless, sexual satisfaction should be on your must-have list. With such a short time invested in him, you need to find out where he stands on this problem, and if he's not willing to do anything about it, call it quits. You're in the honeymoon period where reality is just now staring you in the face. When you're both in a mellow mood, I'd hold his hand and say, "I'm looking forward to being intimate with you. Have you seen a doctor yet to determine if medication could be of benefit?"

 

If he doesn't care at all about fulfilling you sexually, perhaps you should take your rose-colored glasses off.

We have known each other for 2 years, not just 80 days, we have just been "officially" a couple for 80 days. We have been friends long enough to know a lot about each other and yes, the love has grown over that time. I am not wearing rose coloured glasses.

 

He doesn't have any medical conditions, having said that he's also not one to go to the doctor either and may have some that he is unaware of.

 

 

He does his best to satisfy me, but the frustration of wanting to satisfy him too is getting to me. This is a conversation we need to have, I just don't know the right time or the right way to have it.

 

Thank you for all your input.

Fifty-one is far too young to be having that problem every single time. He has health problem(s) that he needs to address; he needs to get to the doctor for a full work-up and depending on what shows up he can have the blue pill discussion then. You don't even need to mention the blue pill at this time. Firmly suggest he get to the doctor as his first step and go from there.

You might suggest he speak with his doctor if it's bothering him so much. Putting pressure on each other to perform and get things right on cue doesn't help the issue either and makes it worse. He might be trying too hard to impress you and is too hung up over his own thoughts. He may be sensing that you're thinking there's something wrong and he needs to get medication to fix the issue and that's also increasing his anxiety and that pressure around you! This is a topic usually best handled with some tact and care. If you find he's interested in getting some answers, point him to his doctor. Don't try to suggest that he needs a pill to fix this problem.

 

You can also reinforce your love for him by loving him anyway and showing him that your concern over his lower half isn't overriding your affections for him overall. Stick around and have a good laugh together in bed, help him relax, enjoy your time together, replay and engage with each other, go from there. He's likely not lost any desire to be with you and wants to please you even after the first attempt/s. I wouldn't take this so seriously as to jump to a pill or talk of it and you are not his healthcare provider.

Thank you, both of you. This is unchartered territory for me. I do just keep showing up and enjoying the time we spend together. I don't put any pressure on him at all to perform and haven't brought the subject up at all.

 

I love our time together and the closeness we have. But, I do feel like he has made some comments to his friends about the fact that we haven't had sex yet, just with some off hand remarks that they have made. So, I do think he's just as frustrated as I am.

 

I agree that he should go see his doctor if it's a medical issue. I would hope that if it's a psychological one, he would talk to me about it. I just don't know how to start the conversation or when it's appropriate to.

 

Thank you all again for your insight, I do truly appreciate it.

Health issues doesn't necessarily have to mean physical issues. Has he been single for a long time before meeting you? Does he have or had any mental health issues? Does he watch a lot of porn?

 

This is probably a little TMI, but...

 

1) If his equipment has not been used for a long time, it could be rusty, metaphorically. He might have gotten quite insecure after a long period with a lack of intimacy. It might be in his head that he is not sure if it is still functional like when he was younger.

 

2) Depression can cause a lack of sexual appetite. More accurately, it feels like everything is numbed. I think it is a coping mechanism to deal with bad feelings, but the downside is that nice experiences also feel "muffled". I think the residual effect can last even once the worst of the depression is gone.

 

3) If he watches a lot of porn, especially more extreme content, he can become de-sensitized to real sex with real women.

 

I am in my early 30s, much younger than your man, but even I had some issues in the bedroom when I first started being intimate with my girlfriend after a long period of sexual inactivity. A combination of the above (mostly 1 and 2 I guess) was probably what affected me. It got so bad that I actually went to get it checked at the doctors (doctor said no physiological issues) and bought some pills...

 

My girlfriend was very understanding and supportive (went on the pill for so I didn't have to use condoms, which reduces sensitivity), and ironically, right after I bought the pills as an "insurance option", it just worked again just fine, probably because the pressure was lifted knowing I had the magic pill to use as a backup.

We have known each other for 2 years, not just 80 days, we have just been "officially" a couple for 80 days.

... and that 80 days is exactly how long you've actually been dating. You are in the honeymoon period. The two years you knew him platonically did not give you any clue as to why he can't have an erection.

Romantically, the rose coloured glasses are still on. Sometimes when the honeymoon period ends, these kinds of things often become deal breakers... even when one or the other truly believes they would never leave someone over the situ.

 

He doesn't have any medical conditions,

How do you know that though? Has he been to the doctor?

having said that he's also not one to go to the doctor either and may have some that he is unaware of.

Seems likely.

 

 

He does his best to satisfy me, but the frustration of wanting to satisfy him too is getting to me.

Can you imagine a life time of it?

This is a conversation we need to have, I just don't know the right time or the right way to have it.

I think Andrina came up with a great conversation starter for you.

 

Good luck... let us now how it goes.

Agree with TwT. You've been dating 80 days and it's going well. You are, right now, very, very excited about all the potential of what it could be—so excited, in fact, that something that is a historic romantic dealbreaker is being processed as no big deal. Seems you don't want to put it in starker terms—that you're newly dating someone with whom you are currently missing a very important of romance with—because you feel doing so diminishes its magnitude.

 

Is he simply less sexual than you? Depressed? Not feeling the lusty buzz with you? Stubborn about changes in his own sexual makeup? Impossible to talk to about intimate matters? These are not trivial questions, but questions we ask—both of another and of ourselves, sometimes literally, sometimes observationally—in order to discover if we're genuinely compatible with someone rather than smitten over the idea of someone. At 80 days the answers are still revealing themselves. That's okay. That's healthy, far healthier than pretending something that is an issue isn't an issue.

 

I too like Andrina's approach. I'd emphasize that you are really looking forward to being intimate—make that the opening. If he expresses mutual excitement, you can suggest, playfully, a pharmaceutical assist. Or maybe he opens up a bit about being nervous, his past, whatever—also great, another portal to deepening emotional intimacy, which is a general path toward physical intimacy.

 

I get that it's a bit sensitive. But it's also 2019, a time where a lot of people take a lot of drugs to make life easier, be it to sleep more soundly or not have a headache after an evening with some good wine, and a time when people discuss their more fragile corners without shame. This isn't really different, or doesn't have to be. If he turns inward, shuts down, becomes awkward and emasculated—well, I would observe all that too, since it means those qualities are part of this fledging romance and will likely be part of it as things progress.

 

Everyone has a different attitude about sex, different sexual needs. But I think it's pretty universal that romance works best when two people are on the same level on that front, so just think of this as more fun, frisky exploring of your mutual levels to see how they line up.

He's only 51. I've known people well over 60 who didn't have any problems in that department, so it suggests that there's probably more to it than his age - several people have already made suggestions as to what that might be, whether emotional or physical.

 

My advice to you is not to go to bed in the expectation of sex, but more for affection and getting increasingly comfortable around each other; the fact that you're not yet emotionally intimate enough to even have the conversation is significant. Don't force the issue; it's still early days.

 

Good luck!

You're not a doctor, so don't talk about pills. What you can do is pay attention. How old is he? How is his health? Does he drink, smoke or use drugs? At 10 weeks it seems you don't know enough about him. Are you even exclusive? Read up on ED to inform yourself. Stop the pressure, it's not a reflection of you.

 

He knows he has it and so you don't need to inform him, no less suggest how he should fix it. He may not be that attracted to you, he may still have his mind on someone else, he may take prescription medication, he may drink or use drugs to an extent you know nothing about, he may have health issues, etc, etc, etc, etc. So 'pill talk' is inappropriate.

So, I have been dating the man of my dreams for the last 2 and 1/2 months. The problem is that we have not yet had sex. It seems that every time we get to that point to where we would actually have sex his "stuff" doesn't work.