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Thread: Is this really going anywhere or am I just overthinking the whole thing

  1. #1

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    Is this really going anywhere or am I just overthinking the whole thing

    Hello,
    I am currently in a relationship for the last 7 years , and we also have 2 children aged 4 and 3. We have had some problems and trust issues also I am suffering with anxiety with about 1 year and just really has got the better of me the last couple months, I am currently in counselling for this and trying to learn new ways and better ways of dealing with it, my boyfriend doesnít go out much maybe once a month or so but when he does he takes cocaine and I am no angel I have also but since starting counselling I just feel like this is not for me anymore I have 2 children who need me to set a good example who need me to be the best parent I can be for them I donít want this life of needing to take this every time we go out, I know I would be fine if I went out and wasnít offered this a few drinks is plenty for me but when your in a crowd of friends and everyone keeps pushing u and saying go on go on itís hard I feel like Iím the boring one to them friends shouldnít do this I would never do this to any of them, but back to the point my boyfriend says he will grow out of this some day he is 26 I am 28 I just donít want to feel like I have to take drugs or am being pushed to every time we go out I would love to go out for a few drinks and that be it but it never happens, I feel like wants different things to me we are getting on great lately but I just feel like why should I be anyone but myself just to please everyone elseís or him bcos I donít want to do what there doing, how can we ever save for a mortgage to build a home and a future for our kids if this is what he wants to do I am in a good place at the moment Iím currently working towards being self employed which is going great at the moment but I feel like he doesnít want to settle he doesnít want to marry me he doesnít want a secure future with me for our kids he does say he wants all those things but his actions prove differently, I really just donít know what to do sorry for the long post I just need some advice 😒

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    He is too immature and focused on partying. Protect yourself and your children. Good you are in counselling. When the cops come to your house sooner or later, they will take your kids away if you don't get rid of him and stay free and clear yourself. He's a huge problem, not to mention blowing your kid's future up his nose. Leave and apply for child support. Continue with therapy. It sounds like you want to and are taking all the right steps to be a good parent, he however is not.

  3. #3

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    I do understand where your coming from, and I appreciate every bit of advice I get on here I do love this man and he is a brilliant father he works everyday and works so hard and provides so good for us and his family bar the going out and partying he only goes out like once a month if even but it just give me such bad anxiety when he does go out, I sometimes feel if I gave him an ultimatum he would turn around and tell me I canít tell him what to do🙄

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    He may not want to be with you either or has felt pushed to be a family man when he really doesn't want to. I agree he's immature. It's also not going to change the way he treats you or the kids. Stop hanging around the same social circle as much and start making new friends. It seems you are motivated to grow away from this but your will is weak.

    Keep your focus on your children and hold on to your idea of a better life. You're taking one step forwards by bettering your career and two steps backward by hanging out with the wrong crowd.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You say you want to be a fine example to your children by being the type of mother who is worth being a good example which I commend you for. You're already thinking wisely and trying to turn your life around.

    You're a mother now so naturally, you think differently and more wisely than a woman who isn't a mother yet because you've realized that it's not all about you anymore. Your young children look up to you.

    Well, they're looking up to their father, too and he still does coke which is definitely NOT a fine example! As long as he does drugs, he'll be a negative influence on your children and heaven forbid, should your kids follow their father's footsteps. (It happens with drugs and alcoholism, unfortunately.)

    Regarding your peer pressure, you need a new set of friends, don't you think? It's not enough for you to suddenly start declining drugs. You're immersed with the wrong crowd. If you don't want drugs, then be with friends who don't do dope. Get out of the wrong crowd. Surround yourself with friends who lead a clean cut lifestyle and be with friends who are a healthy influence on you and your children. You need to pluck yourself out of the wrong, unhealthy environment.

    Whether it's you or your kids, your friends are your future. Remember, birds of a feather flock together.

    As long as your boyfriend does coke, there is no future, positive father figure for your kids.

    Your boyfriend doesn't want to settle down with you. His brain cells are too fried from cocaine! You need to dump him. He's no good.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    So you're dependent on him and therefore can't/won't do anything about this. In that case you need to resolve the cognitive dissonance with a good dose of rationalizing as you're doing here. "It's only once a month", "he provides for us", etc. Is cocaine legal where you live? Or inexpensive? Think about the money he's blowing up his nose or the call from jail when he gets arrested or the call from the hospital or cops when he ends up there or in a crash. That's not "anxiety" that's a reality.

    The once a month coke outings are the tip of the iceberg. Think about who he's hanging out with and why. Your head is in the sand for several reasons. You have your own history and you are still in denial about that and you're too dependent on him. So for now you prefer to think it's all good except he does a little coke now and then.
    Originally Posted by Eiremom
    he is a brilliant father he works everyday and works so hard and provides so good for us. it just give me such bad anxiety when he does go out


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