10 Months In a Relationship and Things are Feeling Different- Is It Normal?

I am a 46 year old lesbian. My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months now. Things have been going great these last few months. Communication is great, we have a lot of fun, the chemistry is amazing, she is my best friend. We both have had a good amount of relationships and looking to settle down eventually.

I noticed a few weeks ago that things have shifted a bit in our relationship. For example, she is less "touchy feely", we don't have sex as often, but are still intimate in other ways (kissing, holding hands...etc) , less passionate kissing, I notice I initiate intimacy more. She is also pursuing a new career in real-estate. At the same time, I am also going through a career change. As a result, our schedule and routine is changing and this is triggering anxiety for me at times.

When we first met, we established that she tends to be more avoidant and I tend to be more anxious when it comes to attachment. As we are getting closer in our relationship, I'm seeing this play out more. For example, less sex, less passion, she wants more distance so she can "miss the person" she's with. Whereas I tend to want more closeness...not to the point of being clingy, but I do feel like I value closeness and sex more than she does. Things wee very hot in the beginning and now they have cooled down significantly in the bedroom. I feel kinda shell shocked.

I've shared my feeling and concerns regarding the change in sex and passion. She always listens and says "she hears me", and says she will try to work on it, but at the end of the day she also says she just wants to feel like she is "enough" and accepted. She has also told me that if my needs aren't being met, over time, that she hopes I would have the courage to make the decision to exit the relationship. I mean, in my mind, someone who says something like that to the person they're with, isn't being very reassuring. It feels like a way out for her, or that she is maybe telling me that she is close to reaching her peak of trying to accommodate me without losing who she is fundamentally. Am I reading into her comment too much? Or do I have reason to be concerned?

We've also been having our first little disagreements mainly in regard to the changes in behavior. When I ask her about it, she tells me that being together for more amounts of time does help 2 people see each other in a more "real life" way...and perhaps some of the "La LA" phase is slowly fading out. A completely normal process.

Can anyone share some advice on how to maneuver through this transition, without getting too much in my head and still enjoying the moment? Am I worrying for nothing regarding her subtle changed behaviors? Is this just a normal phase? How can I differentiate between red flags and triggers from my past?

This all feels very organized and clinical with the attachment styles and concerns and needs being met or exiting a relationship.

What do you feel though? Do you feel like you are loved? Do either of you do things for each other to make the other feel loved despite the differences in communication or expression? Any change in schedule or routine is jarring and takes some adjusting to. You may have to leave some room for that adjustment without creating expectations that might not be so realistic. I agree with you that her comments responding to you are not reassuring at all and even hurtful, depending on how a person looks at it.

Do you feel there may be any other issues or stressors outside the relationship that may be causing that rift?

My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 months now. Things have been going great these last few months. Communication is great, we have a lot of fun, the chemistry is amazing,

One thing I will say that if she's pursuing a new career in real estate then she's definitely going to be preoccupied with getting through her courses and then working hard to acquire clients and get her foot in the market. It takes a lot of one's time to be successful in real estate... Perhaps that's all it is???

I think you should do your best to get out of your own head and enjoy the calmness of a more mature love that all relationships transition into eventually. If she's totally checked out then you will clearly know it without having to ask a forum board for opinions.

How can I differentiate between red flags and triggers from my past?

At 9 months in you posted essentially the same thing:

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=561097

So it's safe to presume over the past month things have not improved? What did you try over the past month to change things up? What efforts has she made?

Are you still staying at her place?

Yes, it may seem counter intuitive because you want more, but you need to pull back. It seems like you're smothering her. The smothering will make her retreat more, the opposite of what you're seeking

Are you still staying at her place?

Way too much drama on your end and hiding it in psychological jargon makes it worse in my opinion. I agree let her be and you are smothering her and being way too needy. She’s being direct with you. She either wants you to accept what she can give you or leave. It’s like when my son behaves badly and then says he’s sorry. I tell him I appreciate the apology and to please give me space to cool down and breathe. But he “needs” my approval so he keeps telling me how sorry he is even though I asked for space. He’s a kid. I get it. But when he’s apologizing that’s about him. That’s not about respecting my wishes. You’re doing the same thing. She’s telling you what she wants and you’re foisting on her the burden of your anxiety and what “triggers” it. That’s on you to deal with at those times - seeking reassurance to the extent you are - because we all need reassurance at times - is way too much and borderline selfish.

Get out of your own head and show her you respect her need for space. And if that doesn’t work for you don’t complain just leave. I remember your recent post about you living with her and the issues that raised. Same idea.

So.. because you are the more "needy" one and she is the more "independent" one - I believe you will need to make the first step and be less "needy". This shows her you are willing to do what it takes to make HER happy. I believe once you're able to do and learn this she will then miss you more and make an effort to be more affectionate towards you to help your "neediness." Do that a couple times and I think you'll find your balance.

I wouldn't worry about the "I would trust that you would have the courage to leave this relationship if it doesn't meet your needs.." - that's just how "independent" types are and it doesn't mean they don't want you (as i'n sure that's how you took it). I am an "independent type" and have said that to somebody before who I truly love and would 100% commit to no problem.... Unfortunately it's the "needier" ones that have to make the first step.

Right now you are both seeing it from your own needs rather than the other person's needs - so SOMEBODY has to make the first move to break the barrier and say "see.. this is how much I want and love you.. I'm willing to step out of MY shell FOR YOU.." and that type of behavior becomes contagious once one person commits to doing it.

So.. yeah.. sorry. It would be nice sometimes if the OTHER person is that person but given that there is 1 needy and 1 independent here, the needy person has to be the one to do it first.

Good luck! Know that she still loves and is committed you so don't worry about that. Learn to feel self-reassured then NEED her to reassure you. This will help IMMENSELY open her up to you.

Since she's left the door open for you to exit the relationship, exit the relationship. She's leaving the door open for you to go if you cannot and will not accept her the way she is. She's not willing to change for you so if you don't like it, leave.

^^^ That really is the bottom line. Of course you could learn to accept and be happy in what you get. We all can learn to accept and be happy in whatever it is we have accepted. It's a matter of mind over matter. In your mind can you make the situation not matter, *girltalk* If you can't then to stay is you settling into a life you will always be feeling lesser than you should be.

My heart goes out to you, but unless you can allow for ebbs and flows as a natural course in a partnership, your risk pressuring your partner to withdraw further. Life happens, and it tends to break the honeymoon bubble of a relationship. It interferes, causes stress, alters focus and can either be embraced as you adjust and allow for the pendulum to swing back to various degrees of attention and desire while you respect the limits of your partner, or you will squelch the life force out of your relationship--and your partner.

Your partner is asking for some self sufficiency from you while she tends to her own. She's telling you to back off from demands that she be any different than she can or wants to be. You can't manipulate someone else into wanting what you want. You can negotiate trades of specific behaviors that are valuable to one another, but 'specific' is the key word. So trading things such as cooking a favorite meal in exchange for a back rub, or anything else of value to your partner for something of value to you, may not seem romantic, but it's how successful couples 'work' in the long haul.

You want your honeymoon period back, but consider comparing what you have today against going it alone. Then take some of the skills you'd be forced to employ on your own and use them to self-soothe and demonstrate self sufficiency in your relationship. If this doesn't work for you over time, consider your partner's suggestion to leave the relationship and find someone more suitable for meeting your needs.

Not every match is compatible.

To add a bit to what Catfeeder wrote - I agree totally AND be careful what you wish for. Because if you find someone who indulges your needs or responds to them -to put it more fairly -there could be other downsides in the interaction including you being turned off by a seemingly "overly available" partner.

My heart goes out to you, but unless you can allow for ebbs and flows as a natural course in a partnership, your risk pressuring your partner to withdraw further. Life happens, and it tends to break the honeymoon bubble of a relationship. It interferes, causes stress, alters focus and can either be embraced as you adjust and allow for the pendulum to swing back to various degrees of attention and desire while you respect the limits of your partner, or you will squelch the life force out of your relationship--and your partner.

 

Your partner is asking for some self sufficiency from you while she tends to her own. She's telling you to back off from demands that she be any different than she can or wants to be. You can't manipulate someone else into wanting what you want. You can negotiate trades of specific behaviors that are valuable to one another, but 'specific' is the key word. So trading things such as cooking a favorite meal in exchange for a back rub, or anything else of value to your partner for something of value to you, may not seem romantic, but it's how successful couples 'work' in the long haul.

 

You want your honeymoon period back, but consider comparing what you have today against going it alone. Then take some of the skills you'd be forced to employ on your own and use them to self-soothe and demonstrate self sufficiency in your relationship. If this doesn't work for you over time, consider your partner's suggestion to leave the relationship and find someone more suitable for meeting your needs.

 

Not every match is compatible.

Thank you catfeeder. Your words are always very relatable and inspire me to work through things.

To add a bit to what Catfeeder wrote - I agree totally AND be careful what you wish for. Because if you find someone who indulges your needs or responds to them -to put it more fairly -there could be other downsides in the interaction including you being turned off by a seemingly "overly available" partner.

I completely agree! I've experienced the other extreme and that doesn't work either. Balance is key.