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Thread: Dating after breakup

  1. #1
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    Dating after breakup

    Are there other women out there in their 40's that have noticed a lack of emotionally available and healthy single/divorced men? I am dating again, but I've never seen so many men with baggage and issues in my life. Or maybe it's an online thing?

  2. #2
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Well you are in your 40s, which means presumably you are dating guys who are at least in their 40s too.

    Where are the good stable men? Already locked in stable and successful long term relationships, probably since their 20s.

    That means your pool of potential mates are guys who have somehow either not been able to have relationships by that age, or have been unable to hold one together for one reason for other. Naturally they will come with baggage and issues from a lifetime of probably bad experiences with women, or no experience.

    Your best hope is the stable/successful/decent man who was in a long term relationship that ended for reasons not related to his character. Like if his wife had an affair, or died. Of course such events also leave a mark on a man, so he is not quite the same guy as he was in his 20s, but still better than the majority of internet losers. (to be a little blunt)

  3. #3
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    Hi Mirror -

    I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again. I expected it to be a dessert but it's been the opposite.

    My ex was a man whose wife cheated on him, but it turned out that he wasn't the stable/successful/decent man I thought him to be. But I did consider him because I figured he had probably learned something from his marriage and wasn't the one that caused the divorce. I was wrong. I turned down a widower a long time ago (he was older) because he was trying to use me to fill the void and he never really quite got over her. You cannot compete with a dead woman.

    Agreed. Most of the guys I have met recently online (and one offline) had issues. If I thought it was a numbers game before, it is even more so now.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    People either hide it really well or it's more visible on the surface. Everyone has baggage. Just learn to sift out the ones that you feel you are compatible with.

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  6. #5
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    Rose - I feel lucky that so far, it's been pretty obvious. One guy tried to argue me out of wanting to get married again. I thought, perhaps you should find a woman who doesn't want to get married again. Others can show high attraction but lack warmth (avoidant never married's). Highly introverted guys who can't hold a conversation and don't seem interested in human interaction. One guy still very angry at his ex wife. I'm glad they wear they have worn their red flags on their sleeves.

    I'm not expecting baggage free. I just want someone who has worked through their stuff and is capable of having a healthy relationship. Ok, that's not all I want but that's the starter.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    That's the spirit! Love that last line. Dating is hard coming out of a long(er) term relationship or after a break up and it's possible to feel burnt out too, meeting people on dates, hearing so many stories. There's only so much a person can take after a month or two. It's ok to take breaks too - a week or a month off the dating scene to spend more time with friends and family or work on other things. I have a lot of stories, mostly silly and nothing too damaging while dating (a lot I can look back on and just shake my head). I've met a few good people and a lot of interesting people. There are lots of times I wish I had met my husband much earlier but it didn't work out that way. At least I have a lot of silly stories to keep myself entertained. I definitely don't have a longing to experience anything outside of what I have. Been there, done that.

    While it may seem unbelievable and confusing in the moment, don't forget to have a good laugh about it too. I think the worst thing to do, in my mind, is to take it all too seriously. The right person will show up and you'll know when it's right for you.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    I don't think it's a total lost cause for you, Belle. Even though the pool of desirable men in their 40s is rather small, someone is out there for you.

    I agree with MirrorKnight. Unfortunately, single / divorced men in their 40s carry a lot of baggage due to their ex, wary and jaded attitudes from being burned and don't forget many of them have children! Their children will always take top priority, naturally. Many of them pay child support which affects their relationships with others since there's less money in the pot to go around.

    It is true that most "catches" were snatched up early while these men were only in their 20s, however, you can still hold out hope. There is a special man out there for you. You just hadn't found him yet.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    There will be baggage at this point. Relax don't overcompensate like you did with your ex and take your time getting to know men. Rule out red flags but expect a past in middle aged people. You have a past and baggage too.
    Originally Posted by Belle
    I've noticed a large flux of divorced men (and never married) since dating again.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    To be honest, I didn't really find it worse dating in my late 30s from dating in my 20s. Different? Sure. But I don't see it like some of these other posters do, like all the good guys were gobbled up and locked down in their 20s. And I don't think baggage got worse either.
    Then again, I'm not someone who ever thought marriage or having kids is any sort of indication of the maturity and character of a person. People are always in flux, going on their own little personal internal journeys, and age isn't the major factor in availability. Where that person is personally and how they compliment or clash with you is what it's all about at any age.
    Throw out these preconceptions about yourself and the men in the dating pool. You didn't miss some boat that takes off only once and that's it. People get on and off all the time, with different suitcases, that's all.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member Realitynut's Avatar
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    Oh Belle...you think it's bad in your 40's....try 60's!!! I got divorced over 10 years ago....and there is no way that I thought I'd still be single at almost 65. I had always wanted to be happily married. Always. I was in a loveless marriage for 20 years....so I thought...yay! Now I can find 'the one'.

    Didn't happen...and I've pretty much thrown in the towel. Maybe if there was a larger pool of men. But the one's I've seen online...have been on there for 10 years...and the same old pictures too!!! lol -Pretty much sucks. I can find guys interested in me (a few...lol) but I'm not feeling it back! The meetups I go to....are 85 percent women!!! Men at this age are just old....and really....I agree....if they are great husband material...they've been married since their 20's and 30's!!!

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