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Thread: Should I keep fighting.. Is this fixable?

  1. #11
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Drinking IS a drug problem. People who are trying to get or stay sober aren't usually encouraged to drink by sobriety counselors, are they?
    These are wise words thank you very much. Excessive drinking is definitely like a drug problem..

    Does anyone have any advice on how to act, maybe what to say when I meet up for a face to face with Jane tomorrow? I definitely want to know why she is so full of hate and anger, but don't want to allow her to use me to get over me, as a wise commenter said previously. I also really wish I could understand how she can still love me, yet have feelings for someone else, even if she isn't "in love" with him..? I can almost guarantee that she doesn't know the answer to this either, at least right now..

  2. #12
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    I guess it's not a good idea to ask others how to act or what to say tomorrow. I'm also beginning to think maybe I'm a safety net, or was at least.. and she has been on the lookout for something better, or an upgrade over me. I hope one day she does find the perfect guy she is looking for, because we all know perfect guys exist(sarcasm). But either way around, I do truly hope Jane finds happiness eventually. I have come up with this as some final closing thoughts to say...I may not remember it all, or be able to say it face to face though:


    "It was you that wanted this. It was you who gave up on me. We had both thought fate brought us together for a reason. You wanted my time, my energy, my love, and affection, and most importantly; my precious heart. You wanted someone to grow old with, when our physical needs are not as important.. I gave it to you entirely. I'm far from perfect, we all make mistakes, but I did my best in every part of this.

    But you changed. You changed your mind about all of it, all that we had experienced, worked towards, and conquered together. You lost a person in your life that had your back no matter what, that loved you unconditionally, even with all your baggage. Maybe it was foolish of me to love you that way, but more foolish of you to be so cruel in not seeing or forgetting that value. You let anger and hate beat US.

    With all of that, this is your decision to live with ultimately, wether is was right or wrong. Because I will get stronger eventually. I知 hurting and overthinking, I知 crying and I知 feeling lost. But, I will get better. It may take 10 weeks, or 10 years, but I will fill this hole in my heart with love for myself. I will learn and I will grow, and someday I won稚 hear your name or see your face and feel like a failure.

    But I won稚 have to walk around knowing I broke someone that would do anything. I won稚 regret deciding that you are not worth it. I won't regret not fighting for us, and abdandoning you when you needed me the most. I won't regret any decisions I made due anger. I won't regret giving up when the going gets tough, and taking the easy way. I won't regret using your "negatives" as an excuse to leave , or for my behavior. And I will do it all again, and maybe next time, with someone that won稚 chew me up and spit me out in the way you did.

    Either way, I will get through it, and I will conquer my demons on my own. Because I have myself on my side, and I am strong enough to get through this."
    Last edited by Crushed303; 08-24-2019 at 01:34 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I wouldn't bother with any of that (but it is a good vent to print out and re-read when you are tempted to contact her and read instead of contact). I'd just listen to her and then when she's finished tell her that you are sorry that it didn't work out and that you would appreciate her not contacting you again so you can get over her and find a good woman to be with. Then leave.

    If she contacts you after that, ignore her. If you can't, then block and delete her.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's a bit too much. I wouldn't share that with her as it sounds like a pity party for one. I'd show up on Sunday, tell her you've loved her but you've accepted the changes that have happened and want to grow forwards. Also tell her you prefer your privacy going forward, request no communication or contact so that you can move on with your life and sincerely make amends with yourself and move on. Keep it simple, between the both of you, don't reference the past, don't speak about meeting anyone else (none of her business).

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  6. #15
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    Have read your whole post and all the comments. To be really honest it sounds to me a bit like you were a relationship of convenience. Not necessarily for money but just that she's been in really bad situations a lot and you were that loyal, supportive friend that was always there for her. I doubt she's truly in love with you if she cheated on YOU and left you for another guy. It doesn't sound like she's going to end it with that guy because she said that she'll continue talking to him. Keep in mind that Jane never told her kids, John or basically anyone about your relationship. She probably just likes you as a friend and began to regret being in a romantic relationship and wanted a way out. It sounds like you did always love her, but she may not have felt the same.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Tinydance
    Have read your whole post and all the comments. To be really honest it sounds to me a bit like you were a relationship of convenience. Not necessarily for money but just that she's been in really bad situations a lot and you were that loyal, supportive friend that was always there for her. I doubt she's truly in love with you if she cheated on YOU and left you for another guy. It doesn't sound like she's going to end it with that guy because she said that she'll continue talking to him. Keep in mind that Jane never told her kids, John or basically anyone about your relationship. She probably just likes you as a friend and began to regret being in a romantic relationship and wanted a way out. It sounds like you did always love her, but she may not have felt the same.
    This has crossed my mind actually. It's just confusing because she has called/left voicemails, and send texts the last week saying she really does love me, and cares about me, so I really don't know. Even though she said she is talking to him, she promises that it wont go beyond that, and that she promises to be 100% honest with me going forward. Part of me believes it..but another part of me says she is just saying whatever to make or herself/me feel better.. I really don't know anymore. Hopefully I will get clarity if she meets today as she said she would. The 20 year old daughter, and everyone else knows about us, it's just the son and the jailed father of the son that don't know.
    Last edited by Crushed303; 08-25-2019 at 12:11 PM.

  8. #17
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    I would guess she DOES care about you. Just not in the way you care about her.

    A guy I used to date told me he cared about me, just not enough to want to be in a romantic relationship with me. He was willing to accept the sex and gifts of food and beer though!

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    I would guess she DOES care about you. Just not in the way you care about her.

    A guy I used to date told me he cared about me, just not enough to want to be in a romantic relationship with me. He was willing to accept the sex and gifts of food and beer though!
    I'm afraid you may be right, same as she might not love me the same way I love her, as much as it hurts to say, guess it is what it is. It's almost like she just wants to keep me around just enough to be a 2nd option, in case the new guy/upgrade to me doesn't pan out. That's pretty cold what that guy did to you too. She claims she's not the heartless person I may think she is.. but I don't know, maybe it's some form of denial. She claims it's not about him, and about us, and I get that, but still think that may not be 100% true..maybe more denial? Idk.. I received a private reputation message and someone mentioned that "I'm sorry, she has always been thinking of herself". This may be the simple answer to everything, maybe this is all a result of her being completely selfish all along?
    Last edited by Crushed303; 08-25-2019 at 02:12 PM.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Crushed303
    I'm afraid you may be right, same as she might not love me the same way I love her, as much as it hurts to say, guess it is what it is. It's almost like she just wants to keep me around just enough to be a 2nd option, in case the new guy/upgrade to me doesn't pan out. That's pretty cold what that guy did to you too. She claims she's not the heartless person I may think she is.. but I don't know, maybe it's some form of denial. She claims it's not about him, and about us, and I get that, but still think that may not be 100% true..maybe more denial? Idk.. I received a private reputation message and someone mentioned that "I'm sorry, she has always been thinking of herself". This may be the simple answer to everything, maybe this is all a result of her being completely selfish all along?
    These people justify it in their minds by saying we have free will and could walk away any time we feel our needs aren't being met or if we're unhappy with how things are. The guy I dated told me he would understand completely if I decided to never see him again.

    While that is true, it doesn't take into account the attachments that are formed when you spend a significant amount of time with that person in some manner or another.

    At some point you have to realize when you're beating a dead horse. She's not going to suddenly morph into the woman you hope she is. And, sadly, if she ever did there's a high chance you'd lose interest because the challenge would be gone.

    The guy I dated circled back years later. Fortunately I'd grown since then and was able to say "no, thanks" with no regrets or lingering feelings.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    These people justify it in their minds by saying we have free will and could walk away any time we feel our needs aren't being met or if we're unhappy with how things are. The guy I dated told me he would understand completely if I decided to never see him again.

    While that is true, it doesn't take into account the attachments that are formed when you spend a significant amount of time with that person in some manner or another.

    At some point you have to realize when you're beating a dead horse. She's not going to suddenly morph into the woman you hope she is. And, sadly, if she ever did there's a high chance you'd lose interest because the challenge would be gone.

    The guy I dated circled back years later. Fortunately I'd grown since then and was able to say "no, thanks" with no regrets or lingering feelings.
    One thing I have learned in life is if someone wants something bad enough(or doesn't want), they will make any excuse needed to justify their actions. She told me the same thing he told you at one point in the last few weeks.

    She text last night saying "whether I believe it or not she loves and cares about me". Then proceeded to say she may not be able to see me tomorrow at 7 as planned, because she has "alot going on today, and is starting the new school semester tomorrow" , but she wasn't sure yet if she can or not, and may have to put it off until this coming Wednesday(her next day off work). Although she may have a lot going on, she definitely could have made time at some point, and here it is after 7pm with no calls or text. There goes the honesty and respect she has promised to give me! Also, how can she promise to respect me, while still talking to this guy too(even if it is just talking right now), as a previous commenter mentioned. I think I'm done..

    I appreciate yours and everyone elses feedback and truly value all the advice and opinions given so far. Thanks all!

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