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Waiting for couples therapy


yatsue

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Forgive me for the blob of text. I know this is a lot of it, but I'm needing a lot of help now. Some of it is to vent my anxiety and figure out my thoughts. I started dating my boyfriend in February. We hit it off from day one. In person we could talk forever. I have so much joy in just his presence, due to his strange wit and humor similar to myself. I also find him very endearing with his mannerisms and affections towards me. He says he melts when he sees me, and it shows. I developed feelings for him and am compelled to be committed/loyal to only him, to a flaw. He meets my top love languages, which are quality time and physical affection (frequent touches, massages, not just sex). They're important to me and it's part of what draws me to him. I just love being with him as a person. I am moving far away well into next year and he plans to go with me, leaving his friends, family, and current job behind to look for a new job starting in February.

 

Before we were mutually sexually exclusive in our relationship, he lied to me/avoided questions about the details towards a FWB he had, who was positive for a couple of concerning STDs that I could have possibly contracted. We talked it out and tried to move forward. I've forgiven him, but will not forget. My trust in him was damaged, but he is determined to get it back. It went fairly well, until he started showing more red flags. He has problematic drinking habits. He drinks moderately, but I learned he forgets (blacks out?) more often than I'm comfortable with. He would forget things I said (a couple were important) and even forgot having sex with me once, but recalled it later in a sort of blur. I raised my concerns and I learned quite a few disheartening things, to put it lightly. He's a serial cheater, who has poor impulse control when drinking and sleeping with women. He said he sleeps with women to feed his ego; it was his own insecurity and acknowledged it was not due to me. All of the female friends he's ever had and I found out apparently still has, he has slept with. I met a couple of them. One of them is a self proclaimed lesbian and has a girlfriend, who she cheated on with him. He said he and she really regretted it. This makes me so uncomfortable and come to terrible conclusions. Either she is bisexual, or he may have sexually predatory behavior. He invites his friends, female ones included, to his apartment and bartends for everyone. I have been to a few of these house parties. Everyone gets drunk, until past 2 AM. This happened before I knew. I can only imagine how he gets women into bed with him, even the ones who aren't admittedly attracted to his gender...

 

He did not want to talk. He kept threatening to leave my apartment when trying to discuss possible boundaries to set while he maintains his friendships. He said he wanted to never talk about it ever again (so no rain check), theyre not topics he wants to talk about with me, to just forget about it and wishes I was ignorant while he tries to not "do those things". At first, I tried to address my concerns, then he wanted me to come up with solutions to them, which I obliged. I tried to come up with a few, such as him monitoring his drinking, putting good boundaries in place with his friends, and ultimately going to therapy himself. He didn't end up controlling his drinking fairly well (still got slightly drunk after our conversation), but said he did reduce his intake overall. He did not want to go to therapy. He didn't believe in it, his ego doesn't want it, and him going may affect his job security clearance (doubtful to me). I told him I will not tolerate cheating since we have agreed to a monogamous relationship and he has a lot of indicators he will without actively working on it; that I will break up with him if he does as a hard boundary. I also stated him drinking at his place with female friends he's been intimate with, as well as staying overnight, is completely inappropriate, especially with his proclivities. He's done this at least once without me there, that I know of, which prompted my response to it.

 

Which brings me to have another concern. I am going to be moving in with my longtime female friend, who I trust completely and know is a true loyal friend. I wonder if it would be irresponsible of me to bring him into her life, with such impulsivity. One of my other longtime friend's husband sexually assaulted me in my sleep, with her in the next room over where they were supposed to be sleeping together in. It makes me wonder if he'll do the same. I hate thinking this way. I feel obligated to protect my friend, and to protect myself.

 

I have not been well. Medically and emotionally. I have learned I have BV, which is sexually associated but not labeled a STI. My doctor said it's possible I could have acquired it initially when he was sleeping with other people and myself. I noticed symptoms started right around the time he revealed he was sleeping with others/the STD scare mentioned previously. I then developed oral thrush from the antibiotics. So that's been really hard to deal with physically, even now. He said he's been faithful since. Emotionally, my anxiety has been the worst it's ever been in my life. It may be a mix of my bf being the catalyst, since he's so close to me, in addition to a history of previous anxiety/past trauma. I've been getting panic attacks and they're scaring me. I can't breathe, it feels like I'm literally suffocating in the midst of one. That's happened a few times, which I've never experienced before. I called my bf once they kept coming on and he helped by just being there. Another time I almost had one at work and contacted a crisis line. I've noticed my anxiety has been significantly affecting my driving. One time I almost crashed from getting lost in anxiety ridden thoughts. Last week, I received my first ever speeding ticket. While not an excuse, I wasn't paying attention to my speed, again from anxiety. The officer said I could have been arrested for it in the neighboring state. I almost had a panic attack and he asked if I needed an ambulance. It took all of the willpower in me not to plead out to help save me. This is out of character for me. I didn't have a driving record before. I never used to speed above 80 mph on the highway ever. I'm afraid to drive now. I've seriously debated calling my mom to come down from way out of state to help drive me to work since my anxiety increases most times while driving, or at work. I had to call a counselor to make it home safely that day. I see myself deteriorating and I'm afraid. I sleep more just so I can keep out the persistent negative thoughts. My crotch is on fire and reminds me constantly of what happened.

 

I want to feel better again. I want us to be better again. My bf agreed to couples counseling eventually. I initially made the appointment for me for the earliest I could get (next month) since my first panic attack. Now he wants to come with me to the first appointment as a compromise (the counselor does couples therapy too) and see where it goes. He mentioned getting "even" by going to counseling (or wants me to sleep with someone else to even the odds), to help make me feel better, says this is the hardest relationship he's been in (which puzzles me because I've only calmly talked to him and have remained calm while in his presence so far, while he had a gf who kicked him in the balls, tried to overdose on meds and was sent to the hospital before as a teenager), and I'm overreacting. I don't think I am. So now I am just trying to keep it together until our appointment. It is hard. I have been calling counselors via phone to help in the meantime, and it has some. Mostly with the panic attacks through breathing techniques and talking through all of this. One said my anxiety is my body's natural reaction to danger; that I'm trying to protect myself. I am rethinking if I am even fit to be in a relationship right now. Next month feels so far away. However, I want us to work. I just am so confused. I cannot think right anymore. My mind is a mess. Every time I see him, I desperately want to keep that magic we have in person and not break up. I can't do it. It's when I'm away, I'm having a hard time. Now he questions if my feelings are the same as his and asked me what he thought love meant to me, and if our definitions between liking versus loving someone are the same, then we can say the latter. What does this mean? I said I do love him for different reasons and under the definition I gave, but he won't say it back and instead reiterates he really likes me. I feel unloved every time he does now. I wish our appointment date would come sooner.

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I want to feel better again. I want us to be better again. My bf agreed to couples counseling eventually.
Why on earth would you bother? Really?

 

You've known him like 6 or 7 months and in that time you've found out what a sex-aholic/alcoholic he is and him being who he is has triggered anxiety/panic disorder in you.

 

Instead of going to couples therapy, stop him from moving with you by breaking up with him and then you get into personal therapy to help you to overcome your anxiety and your addiction to HIM.

 

Its very codependent of you to want to try and get someone you barely know to change into the man you want him to be instead of just accepting that he's got major loyalty issues and is unable to remain monogamous for any length of time. Which, if you were confident and had love of self would have you runnin from him... not trying to make him into who you want him to be.

 

Work on yourself and forget wasting your money on couples counselling and wasting your life on him.

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All this for a dude you met in February?

 

I wouldn't bother, yatsue. I would focus on finding a guy who doesn't come with a boatload of worries and concerns that compel you to seek therapy after only a few months of dating. This man isn't anywhere near as emotionally invested as you are, and chances are very slim that this is going to work out.

 

Once you drop this relationship, my strong suspicion is that your anxiety will greatly diminish as well.

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I am very very concerned especially since you have been assaulted in the past, that you are choosing to be with this unstable, unreliable person who has a drinking issue at the very least (if not an alcoholic). Put the "but I feel magic" aside. You have to put that aside because love and "magic" is not enough. You must focus on his values, his integrity, his character - or in this case, lack thereof.

 

He has told you who he is. Many times over. In many different ways. So putting the 'but the magic!!" aside I am very concerned that you would choose to be with someone who makes you emotionally and physically ill, who triggers panic and anxiety attacks. Of course see a therapist -to find out why you are still seeing this person for this long. But "couples therapy?" He's not really a couple with you - he is a person who is self-absorbed, who has issues with intimacy and issues with alcohol. He is a person who enjoys hanging out with you and having sex with you and enjoys choosing to drink and choosing to have sex with many other people. In the very recent past. So no you are not in a "couple" situation such that a therapist could do "couples therapy." If he wants to pursue individual therapy that's his choice but not one you should be involved with.

 

I think the best therapy of all would be first to move on from him completely - you will miss the "magic" but not the rest- and then perhaps pursue individual therapy to figure out why you would stay this long with this person and subject yourself to this person. Because it's not about the "magic."

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I’ve been on here a long time now and I’m not usually one to tell people to end their relationships - most of us have problems and we don’t come on here to talk about the happy times. However, let me join the chorus of posters wondering why you are putting yourself through this insecurity, fear, anxiety and these health risks for a short-term relationship with someone riddled with personal and interpersonal problems.

 

Your boyfriend is not trustworthy for multiple reasons. As long as you are with him, you will feel this sort of anxiety. I know it’s hard to believe you could have the same magical connection with someone else, but you can and you will, if only you will stop throwing good money after bad into this relationship.

 

Try to re-read your post as if a friend had written it. The relationship sounds terribly unhealthy and destructive to you - look at how it has affected your mental and physical health. If you cannot see that it is not worth it, I would urge you to go to your therapy session alone and show the therapist what you have written here. Perhaps hearing the advice of a professional will give you the strength to end the relationship.

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My heart broke a few times reading this.

 

The way you feel right now, physically, mentally, and emotionally? These are not feelings we want from a relationship, especially a new one. Recalling your last thread, it seems like you're just getting worse—that being with him, in short, is just bringing you down and spinning you around. Think about that clearly for a moment. Think about how you felt, in life, in your own skin, before you met him. Was it better than this?

 

Couples therapy? At six months? I just have to ask: Why? You're so smart, so awesome, and, in ways, you just got out of a relationship that had become a dead weight around you. Why engage in another? Where do you think this instinct comes from to double (and triple, and quadruple) down on something that is so clearly throwing you for a loop?

 

I don't ask those questions with judgment, but earnestly. He has never been faithful. Drinks till he blacks out. Refuses to work on himself. I made the comment a few times that he is levels below you in his journey. I fear that if you stay on this path you're just going to find yourself getting pulled backwards to a place you've already been.

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Trying to force this relationship with this man is the CAUSE of your issues. Not the solution to them.

 

It's very concerning that you think this man and his issues create a magical connection between the two of you. The more logical reaction would be to run in the opposite direction. Instead you want to further integrate him into your life.

 

How do you feel about him hosting drunken sex parties in the home you two share? Because without a doubt he will.

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I think he is manipulative and knows all the ways to pull your strings. I also think he sees that you are in pain but he really has no clue how to make things better. His own life is topsy turvy. It was very admirable of you to try to work through and come up with ideas on boundaries but I think this person is too far gone in his bad habits to function in a healthy relationship.

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This guy is sucking the life out of you, yatsue.

You are a smart, interesting, lively person and this relationship is literally making you sick physically, emotionally and pyschologically. Every part of you is screaming " No, this isn't healthy for me!" . The therapist is right, and maybe you need to stick with talking with him/her just you.

I could say all kinds of things about this guy but what it comes down to is he just doesn't care, he's all about himself this guy, and it's destroying you trying to be with him.

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My heart broke a few times reading this.

 

The way you feel right now, physically, mentally, and emotionally? These are not feelings we want from a relationship, especially a new one. Recalling your last thread, it seems like you're just getting worse—that being with him, in short, is just bringing you down and spinning you around. Think about that clearly for a moment. Think about how you felt, in life, in your own skin, before you met him. Was it better than this?

 

Couples therapy? At six months? I just have to ask: Why? You're so smart, so awesome, and, in ways, you just got out of a relationship that had become a dead weight around you. Why engage in another? Where do you think this instinct comes from to double (and triple, and quadruple) down on something that is so clearly throwing you for a loop?

 

I don't ask those questions with judgment, but earnestly. He has never been faithful. Drinks till he blacks out. Refuses to work on himself. I made the comment a few times that he is levels below you in his journey. I fear that if you stay on this path you're just going to find yourself getting pulled backwards to a place you've already been.

 

I do remember what it felt like when I was single. I felt much better. I originally made the therapy appointment for me. It is still made out for only me, but I can have him join. I've never had therapy before and didn't know what to expect. Once I get into a relationship and become invested, I feel compelled to try to do everything I can do to help it. I want to do right for someone I care about. Once all avenues feel depleted, that's when I concede. Otherwise, it feels like I haven't tried hard enough. I do have a strong fear of failure, much to my own demise I realize. I do have feelings for this person and I don't want to squander a relationship, is the line of thinking.

 

I was talking to my best friend, who I've come to the conclusion it is likely due to my parents. To cut it short, I learned how to have a relationship by observing theirs, which isn't the best. I allowed myself to have feelings for a person I shouldn't have feelings for. Before I realized it, it was too late. I saw red flags, but the question that haunts me: "what if"? What if I was wrong? It doesn't seem like I was now. I wanted to give it a chance because it is hard to know when is enough and when to try.

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Thank you all for the replies. It helps. I do need more from a partner. It's funny and also sad, that I immediately wash the clothes he leaves behind, just so I can return them to him when I finally feel like I've done enough. I've done this for a while now. More than once, I prepare for a clean break up, but then I see his face and how happy he is to see me. How loving he is when we meet once again...it's gonna be hard. I am at a loss on how to do it. How? It never feels right. How he makes me feel in the moment, especially that one, all my worries melt away and I just want to feel that way forever.

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Thank you all for the replies. It helps. I do need more from a partner. It's funny and also sad, that I immediately wash the clothes he leaves behind, just so I can return them to him when I finally feel like I've done enough. I've done this for a while now. More than once, I prepare for a clean break up, but then I see his face and how happy he is to see me. How loving he is when we meet once again...it's gonna be hard. I am at a loss on how to do it. How? It never feels right. How he makes me feel in the moment, especially that one, all my worries melt away and I just want to feel that way forever.

 

Of course it's hard especially when your focus is on how you feel rather than how he acts, how he treats you, what you are worth. Same as me wanting two squares of dark chocolate right now but limiting myself to one for health reasons. Same reason I made the really dumb decision 16 years ago to have unprotected sex (yes I was on the pill) with someone with a questionable past plus someone who wouldn't have wanted me to have his child if my one method failed. Because I was so over the moon about him after dating 4 months. Everything worked out fine thank goodness.

 

He's not acting in a loving way by definition. The opposite. He's happy to see you when he sees you and feels like seeing you. So?

 

Again if your priority is how you "feel" at that moment - the 'high" then make choices based on that and accept the downsides -the significant risks to your physical and emotional health and your future relationships. If you consider based on head and heart then you might make different, more healthful, balanced choices.

 

Of course it's hard to let go of a high. Just because something is hard doesn't mean you don't do it.

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Of course it's hard especially when your focus is on how you feel rather than how he acts, how he treats you, what you are worth. Same as me wanting two squares of dark chocolate right now but limiting myself to one for health reasons. Same reason I made the really dumb decision 16 years ago to have unprotected sex (yes I was on the pill) with someone with a questionable past plus someone who wouldn't have wanted me to have his child if my one method failed. Because I was so over the moon about him after dating 4 months. Everything worked out fine thank goodness.

 

He's not acting in a loving way by definition. The opposite. He's happy to see you when he sees you and feels like seeing you. So?

 

Again if your priority is how you "feel" at that moment - the 'high" then make choices based on that and accept the downsides -the significant risks to your physical and emotional health and your future relationships. If you consider based on head and heart then you might make different, more healthful, balanced choices.

 

Of course it's hard to let go of a high. Just because something is hard doesn't mean you don't do it.

 

True. You're absolutely right. I guess when I see him so happy it makes me happy because it reminds me of the good times we've had together. To want more and make more of those good times. I haven't been listening to my head, for much too long at this point. I'm glad your situation worked out for you in the end. I'm actively dealing with the fallout this relationship has caused, such as consulting my lawyer about contesting my ticket for a reduced citation/getting points off my license, living with a good friend who helps friends when in need (I'm so glad I have an amazing friend like her!), dealing with my health under the advisory of my doctor, and of course looking forward to my date in therapy.

 

When I list that out, it feels surreal how much this relationship has affected me, meanwhile my bf is saying I've been overreacting and making my struggle sound worse than it actually is. I haven't told him everything, but he still should not belittle my situation. So, I'm determined this morning to do right by me and will see him. I have gathered all of his things he left at my place. I figure if I make it fast like pulling off a band aid, he should just passively accept the break and I will no longer be pulled by my heartstrings.

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Glad to hear you're taking the steps you're taking. Hard as it is at the moment, I think you'll find that a lot of what has you spun around right now will level off pretty quickly after the bandaid is ripped off. Remove the toxins from our diet and, after a brief period of withdrawal, we tend to feel better pretty fast; this guy is a toxin in your diet, and with some space and some reflection I suspect you'll maybe see that those toxic qualities weren't the exception but the rule, the glue that binds, the dangerous drug that produced a potent high.

 

I think this is a good experience to work on redefining what success and failure looks and feels like when it comes to romance, to give yourself time to reset those gauges. Merely being in a relationship, grinding to make a relationship "work"—that isn't success if the price of admission is feeling gutted, "depleted" by "caring," since that's essentially the equivalent of "working" a grueling job that doesn't even produce a paycheck. In binary terms, I'd say that's all closer to a failure, since you're neglecting your own spirit and conditioning yourself to equate some craggy, corrosive feelings with love, to gauge a connection's power and worth based primarily on how awful it makes you feel.

 

Therapy is great for helping us understand why we may be drawn to things that make us feel sick, finding those places in our head where some wires are crossed. Because it's generally the head—not the heart, not the body, contrary to the language of romance—that gets us into these knots. Your heart and body, literally and metaphorically, have been signaling to you for a long time now that something here is off; something in your head, meanwhile, has kept overriding that, finding ways to reinterpret discomfort as meaning. Find out what that something is and you'll be more free, more you, and less resistant to connections that feel powerful for destabilizing you, blurring you to yourself. That toxic glue just becomes less sticky.

 

I can't help but feel, in this case, that what you have been compelled by with him is an idea far more than person, an idea that probably existed in your head before even meeting him, and in him you found a vessel for realizing it. What is that idea? Only you can find it. Sounds like some kind of atonement to me—that "making things work" with this guy quickly came to represent something for you: growth, success, a different, deeper connection than you'd known, or perhaps a genuine connection where past connections have been more artificial. Or, well, something awaiting you to mine it, so it can be purged, so you can listen more clearly to your heart and body.

 

I've been in your shoes, as have most. Have spent some time in versions of his shoes too. Speaking for myself, I spent a lot of time getting intimate with those parts of me that are prone to searching for intimacy in the shade, be it the shade of another or myself. Seeing that, recognizing the potential in me, has made it easier to step away where I once would step in—to value the feeling of the present above all else so the drug of "getting back to when things were good" loses its potency.

 

It's a general rule of thumb, in my opinion, that when our goal is "going back to how things once were" that we've already lost. Means the genuine prospect of a rewarding future is so intangible that we can only search for a version of it by moving backwards. In a marriage, with a mortgage and kids and rich shared history, that can be a worthy fight. Ideally not even a fight, but just part of the shared, forward-moving journey. But six months in? No. That's just trying to build a home on a foundation that was always more cracks than anything else, a foundation that can't shelter you. Better to "get back" to how you once were, and to accept that you were doing better and feeling better outside of the relationship than in it.

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Don’t indulge in the “it’s just that “ stuff. Because that stuff is irrelevant in comparison to the other stuff. To be clear my situation worked out in the sense that I didn’t get pregnant. He ended things after five months so no it didn’t work out for us as a couple. And that’s a good thing.

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Glad to hear you're taking the steps you're taking. Hard as it is at the moment, I think you'll find that a lot of what has you spun around right now will level off pretty quickly after the bandaid is ripped off. Remove the toxins from our diet and, after a brief period of withdrawal, we tend to feel better pretty fast; this guy is a toxin in your diet, and with some space and some reflection I suspect you'll maybe see that those toxic qualities weren't the exception but the rule, the glue that binds, the dangerous drug that produced a potent high.

 

I think this is a good experience to work on redefining what success and failure looks and feels like when it comes to romance, to give yourself time to reset those gauges. Merely being in a relationship, grinding to make a relationship "work"—that isn't success if the price of admission is feeling gutted, "depleted" by "caring," since that's essentially the equivalent of "working" a grueling job that doesn't even produce a paycheck. In binary terms, I'd say that's all closer to a failure, since you're neglecting your own spirit and conditioning yourself to equate some craggy, corrosive feelings with love, to gauge a connection's power and worth based primarily on how awful it makes you feel.

 

Therapy is great for helping us understand why we may be drawn to things that make us feel sick, finding those places in our head where some wires are crossed. Because it's generally the head—not the heart, not the body, contrary to the language of romance—that gets us into these knots. Your heart and body, literally and metaphorically, have been signaling to you for a long time now that something here is off; something in your head, meanwhile, has kept overriding that, finding ways to reinterpret discomfort as meaning. Find out what that something is and you'll be more free, more you, and less resistant to connections that feel powerful for destabilizing you, blurring you to yourself. That toxic glue just becomes less sticky.

 

I can't help but feel, in this case, that what you have been compelled by with him is an idea far more than person, an idea that probably existed in your head before even meeting him, and in him you found a vessel for realizing it. What is that idea? Only you can find it. Sounds like some kind of atonement to me—that "making things work" with this guy quickly came to represent something for you: growth, success, a different, deeper connection than you'd known, or perhaps a genuine connection where past connections have been more artificial. Or, well, something awaiting you to mine it, so it can be purged, so you can listen more clearly to your heart and body.

 

I've been in your shoes, as have most. Have spent some time in versions of his shoes too. Speaking for myself, I spent a lot of time getting intimate with those parts of me that are prone to searching for intimacy in the shade, be it the shade of another or myself. Seeing that, recognizing the potential in me, has made it easier to step away where I once would step in—to value the feeling of the present above all else so the drug of "getting back to when things were good" loses its potency.

 

It's a general rule of thumb, in my opinion, that when our goal is "going back to how things once were" that we've already lost. Means the genuine prospect of a rewarding future is so intangible that we can only search for a version of it by moving backwards. In a marriage, with a mortgage and kids and rich shared history, that can be a worthy fight. Ideally not even a fight, but just part of the shared, forward-moving journey. But six months in? No. That's just trying to build a home on a foundation that was always more cracks than anything else, a foundation that can't shelter you. Better to "get back" to how you once were, and to accept that you were doing better and feeling better outside of the relationship than in it.

 

Thank you blue. As always, you pose questions that continue to make me ponder. Most of them, I do not have an answer to. As much and as long as I've thought about this relationship, even to the point where the persistent thoughts plagued me enough to just want to make it stop, I still need to look inside my own head. That's the hard part I need to unravel. I wish I could find one healthy relationship, but that is hard when you don't really know what one looks like. I am curious, have you found one like that?

 

Right now, I know I do not want to find a partner until I have figured out myself first and become settled. Sure, I may still flirt and such. I'm not dead. I just want to be me for now, until I am ready to find a special person to build a life with. I can't fathom that will be soon. In time I hope to find the answers to your questions. I need to be well again and I will make sure of it. I need to find that zest for life again, without my anxieties getting in the way. I hope this, or another therapist can guide me on the journey to be a better me, who can then search for a great life partner. I truly look forward to it. I don't want to feel tired anymore.

 

Now, I am awaiting for my boyfriend to get back to me in order to meet hopefully this morning. He wants to meet for breakfast, but I plan to try to meet first at his place and do the deed there. I believe he is going to see his family today in the neighboring state, which I think he would find comfort in afterwards. I'm not sure though. He doesn't like communicating to me, other than in person, so I haven't heard a peep from him since Monday until I proposed a meet. It makes me feel like I'm not a part of his life this way, and creates distance for me. Maybe he thinks something is up? Hence the delay. It is making me nervous he will cancel or something. We're supposed to go to an event tomorrow, which I don't want to attend under such circumstances. I feel myself a little shaky right now. I'm trying to work on my breathing to help calm myself.

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Could you arrange to see a good friend or family member today ?

It wouldn't hurt for you to have some support after the fact and to have a grounding force around. Maybe that good friend who you'll be moving in with?

I'm really happy to see you are moving towards ending things with him.

We all want to see you thrive!

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I don't for today. Everyone is busy at work or too far away at the moment. I feel really nervous I'll get cold feet. His new roommate may be home. I have work tonight as well. I have to head over soon and am getting a little teary.

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Great advice from itsallgrand. Find the true support beams—family, friends—for grounding so you're not consciously or subconsciously trying to find support from a source (him) that has proven far too wobbly and unhealthy to lean on. If they're not around in 3D text someone, call someone, be vulnerable with the people who can nurture you. Get those connections established, so the netting is there. We're here too. Hoping your day has gone as well as such days can go.

 

Answering your personal question about healthy relationships: Yeah, I've found them. And lost them. A few times. I feel lucky, I guess, in that my early, formative romances were healthy. I could riff on all that stuff plenty, but don't want to hijack this while you're in the fire, perhaps searching for immediate footholds. If you'd like some more detail, I'm happy to provide. Short answer is that I've found them when I wasn't ready, when I still had some personal knots to untangle to be really open, really available.

 

For better or worse, I have a very low threshold for drama and inner turmoil, at least when it involves another person. I have an appetite for it for sure—and the weird entanglements to show for it—but not for sustaining it, building relationships through it. With the exception of one very toxic relationship that came during a very toxic juncture in my own life and self-reckoning, I've only gotten into committed relationships where there was a sense of ease—sometimes, maybe, too much ease on my end while someone else was spinning around. That those "easy choices" led to plenty of anguish kind of kicked me to work on some of my own wiring a bit.

 

I'm in a relationship now. It's healthy, profoundly so. Could riff plenty there too, but it's really pretty simple: I'm in it because today is better than yesterday and I'm really excited about what tomorrow will bring, with her. I don't need to break my brain to keep it stitched together. Leaves room for the heart and body to do their things, guide the ship.

 

I don't know about you, but what I've personally liked about this site, on the few times I've posted about my life, is that the act of posting kind of affirms for me that I've stumbled into a swamp. Ugh. But life. Then that gets confirmed and you kind of have only one direction that makes sense, regardless of what the head, heart, loins, or whatever is magnetized to.

 

Sometimes we need to stumble into swamps to recognize clearings. Part of the process. This is six months of your life. It doesn't have to define you or throw you down a rabbit hole of reckoning. It can just be something icky and unfortunate that you got into that shined a light on some parts of yourself that need some self-care. But for it to be that you have to lean into yourself for support, not someone who has well proven himself incapable of supporting you as you need.

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Have only skim read all the comments but read your whole original post. My thought was, why do you actually want to bother to fix this? You're trying so hard to do therapy and do all these things to make this relationship work. For what? It sounds like you are incompatible regarding your values and also just the STD situation and lying would have been enough really.

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Oh for Pete’s sake...

 

Come on girl....

 

You’re better than this...

 

You haven’t been dating him 6 months, be honest with yourself please, you entered into this as an open relationship, the exclusivity thing happened around the same time the STD reveal happened, so your exclusivity had a dark cloud over it from the start, you’ve only been exclusive since what? June? You’re painting it as if you’ve been dating him since February and are considering counseling but based on your previous post, that I remember quite well, you’re considerinng counseling for a guy you had an open relationship with that you kinda sorta guilted into being with you... now surprise surprise you find out he’s a train wreck and triggering anxiety that was always there underneath the surface because you two started off in the red!!!!

 

Ok...

 

My advice...

 

Break up.

 

Get yourself into counseling to manage your anxiety and build yourself esteem. Do not ever again tell yourself you are ok with an open relationship, you clearly are not and I think this is all the evidence you need that any man you have to back door your way into a relationship with probably isn’t the top prize.

 

I’m so sorry all this is happening. It honestly has very little to do with him believe it or not, this connection you have with him... it’s in your head, the reality is much bleaker... he’s simply not the guy for you, but you were so desperate to have someone anyone fit into the idea... that’s why I suggest therapy because until you fix what broken in you this will be your dating life

 

You’re dating out of desperation and need.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Better late than never, but here's a response update if anyone is still looking at this:

 

FIO, for all intents and purposes we were vocal about dating since February. Still short, but I digress. He called them from the very beginning as dates, told his family, his friends, and my own friends we've been dating since February without my prompting. I know my thoughts have been everywhere in my confusion, although I was never clear to him I was thinking about opening it. I said to him at a much later time I was open to the idea of an open relationship at first, but it quickly died after the lie. He said he never knew since I didn't say anything. I had discussed this with other men before him, but that is as far as it went; a fantasy, if you will. So he wasn't the one who first piqued my interest in that regard. He said he didn't care for monogamy or not, that he just wanted to be with me. For me, the idea was in thought only so far. However, I did consider after he asked me to be his gf that we were technically not exclusive because I usually ask for it separately when I want to. This time I did not since I was unsure if I wanted to be. Quickly that concept changed after the lie and we officially established exclusivity soon after the official label. Before he asked me to be his gf, he asked me multiple times if I wanted to be serious with him and I responded I wanted to wait until I knew him more. He said he wanted to be serious with me. Once he asked me to be his gf, he said (and in writing) he decided to be monogamous to me, didn't want anyone else, and he messed up shortly after. I excused the behavior because I didn't ask for exclusivity so soon since I was still undecided if I wanted it, whereas in previous relationships I always had specified. After the incident, I made darn sure to ask if he wanted an open relationship in general and he was adamant he only wanted me. He didn't want anyone else. I was extremely blunt, I said I wanted him to be completely honest and he replied he wanted just one person - me. If this was not the case, I wouldn't have stayed for sure. I just don't see your view I guilted him into a relationship at all, and I've tried to entertain the possibility if I thought maybe I unknowingly did. It doesn't fit the situation at all. Now if he clearly stated he was non-monogamous and wanted to be in a relationship where he can see other people as well, then yes I can see how your POV can start to apply, however this wasn't the case. Perhaps the confusion is due to all of my muddled thoughts, plus I had a hard time recalling details. I never pushed for a label or exclusivity. The latter was verbalized after he asked for a label, after that incident. He even said he was surprised I agreed to be his gf when he asked since I said I just wanted to keep dating so far at that time. I've had multiple dates and people who wanted to date/be in a relationship with me, so no I don't want to date anyone who will have me. Although, I did fall for him already and stopped dating others since I lost interest. Too bad I fell for the wrong person.

 

Anyway, I've had a lot going on; way too much besides this in my life. That day from my last post didn't go quite as planned. I eventually did manage to break up with him and cut ties. It's been some time now. The break became drawn out, where he had a really hard time. He tried to convince me to stay. He admitted he loves me, that I don't know how much he cares for me. He thought therapy would be good for him and his friends encouraged him to get help as they think he needs it. He would pay out of pocket for himself. BTW, I entertained going to couples therapy because it would be free for us to go, so I thought it could only help at the time. He kept holding onto me, hugging me, not letting me give him his stuff back. Also, he kept making me look at his face, since it was hard for me to break up and keep a calm face. He said he would sever ties with his female friends, if it would help fix things. He would do anything to keep me because he said I am worth it, either by serenading me with his guitar outside my window or being by my side as much as he possibly could. He wants to talk it out in order to work out the issues. It was the works.

 

I told him he was starting to make me depressed from all this, and he broke down sobbing. He apologized and said he was trying to keep it together. He thought he was doing well, until he heard that. He struggled with depression/suicide in the past and stated he could empathize; he didn't want anyone to feel that way, not even his worst enemy. Much less someone he really cared about. He had no choice then, than to let me go if that's the case. We ran out of time due to my job commitments and postponed until a later time.

 

We met up again. I said he had to go, and he knew what I meant. Again, he just started holding me, trying to convince me to stay, he's tried really hard, and that I didn't see all of the changes he's made when I wasn't around to witness it. It was too late. He asked to remain friends and didn't want a clean break, even though I did. He knew that once I break up with a boyfriend or former lover I don't communicate with them ever again. I told him he wouldn't ever be a friend to me and it would make it harder for us if we were. He quickly admitted the proposition was just to eventually get me back in a relationship with him; that he found the person for him and it felt wrong to end it. He said he'll always be here for me, to let him know if I ever change my mind, and he's glad he met me. We tried to part and I was trying to keep it together. Noticing, he chuckled I could take it back. I stayed firm. He then asked if I could call him in a month to tell him if I still didn't want to be together. I responded with "What would change?" It was met with no answer. He said he needed water, then quickly bolted to the bathroom and closed the door behind him. I heard him gagging. When he came out I, concerned, asked if he was ok. Again, no response, except stating he loves me and gave me one last hug goodbye. He rushed out really quickly with his stuff finally. I felt terrible, still do.

 

I always wanted to see him happy. It tore me up inside to know I invoked such a reaction. I don't feel well. I teeter from knowing I made the right decision, to just wanting to see him again. It's so hard, especially knowing he'd have me back anytime. I have to keep remembering all of the beautiful lies he told me, just so he could keep me in a relationship with him. That day plays back in my mind, haunting me. He'll never be the person I need, despite his efforts. I need to find the person I don't want to change, when I'm ready in time. I went to counseling this week and it was underwhelming. Of course it was only the first meet, but our next session isn't until October. It's too infrequent. I don't feel as bad as I did before, but I feel so sad all of the time and have to force myself to keep doing things. I know I have to keep strong. I've told my closest friends everything and they support my decision. I possibly found a new counselor, so I'm seeing where that goes. In the meantime, I'm still waiting to feel better.

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