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Thread: Waiting for couples therapy

  1. #1
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    Waiting for couples therapy

    Forgive me for the blob of text. I know this is a lot of it, but I'm needing a lot of help now. Some of it is to vent my anxiety and figure out my thoughts. I started dating my boyfriend in February. We hit it off from day one. In person we could talk forever. I have so much joy in just his presence, due to his strange wit and humor similar to myself. I also find him very endearing with his mannerisms and affections towards me. He says he melts when he sees me, and it shows. I developed feelings for him and am compelled to be committed/loyal to only him, to a flaw. He meets my top love languages, which are quality time and physical affection (frequent touches, massages, not just sex). They're important to me and it's part of what draws me to him. I just love being with him as a person. I am moving far away well into next year and he plans to go with me, leaving his friends, family, and current job behind to look for a new job starting in February.

    Before we were mutually sexually exclusive in our relationship, he lied to me/avoided questions about the details towards a FWB he had, who was positive for a couple of concerning STDs that I could have possibly contracted. We talked it out and tried to move forward. I've forgiven him, but will not forget. My trust in him was damaged, but he is determined to get it back. It went fairly well, until he started showing more red flags. He has problematic drinking habits. He drinks moderately, but I learned he forgets (blacks out?) more often than I'm comfortable with. He would forget things I said (a couple were important) and even forgot having sex with me once, but recalled it later in a sort of blur. I raised my concerns and I learned quite a few disheartening things, to put it lightly. He's a serial cheater, who has poor impulse control when drinking and sleeping with women. He said he sleeps with women to feed his ego; it was his own insecurity and acknowledged it was not due to me. All of the female friends he's ever had and I found out apparently still has, he has slept with. I met a couple of them. One of them is a self proclaimed lesbian and has a girlfriend, who she cheated on with him. He said he and she really regretted it. This makes me so uncomfortable and come to terrible conclusions. Either she is bisexual, or he may have sexually predatory behavior. He invites his friends, female ones included, to his apartment and bartends for everyone. I have been to a few of these house parties. Everyone gets drunk, until past 2 AM. This happened before I knew. I can only imagine how he gets women into bed with him, even the ones who aren't admittedly attracted to his gender...

    He did not want to talk. He kept threatening to leave my apartment when trying to discuss possible boundaries to set while he maintains his friendships. He said he wanted to never talk about it ever again (so no rain check), theyre not topics he wants to talk about with me, to just forget about it and wishes I was ignorant while he tries to not "do those things". At first, I tried to address my concerns, then he wanted me to come up with solutions to them, which I obliged. I tried to come up with a few, such as him monitoring his drinking, putting good boundaries in place with his friends, and ultimately going to therapy himself. He didn't end up controlling his drinking fairly well (still got slightly drunk after our conversation), but said he did reduce his intake overall. He did not want to go to therapy. He didn't believe in it, his ego doesn't want it, and him going may affect his job security clearance (doubtful to me). I told him I will not tolerate cheating since we have agreed to a monogamous relationship and he has a lot of indicators he will without actively working on it; that I will break up with him if he does as a hard boundary. I also stated him drinking at his place with female friends he's been intimate with, as well as staying overnight, is completely inappropriate, especially with his proclivities. He's done this at least once without me there, that I know of, which prompted my response to it.

    Which brings me to have another concern. I am going to be moving in with my longtime female friend, who I trust completely and know is a true loyal friend. I wonder if it would be irresponsible of me to bring him into her life, with such impulsivity. One of my other longtime friend's husband sexually assaulted me in my sleep, with her in the next room over where they were supposed to be sleeping together in. It makes me wonder if he'll do the same. I hate thinking this way. I feel obligated to protect my friend, and to protect myself.

    I have not been well. Medically and emotionally. I have learned I have BV, which is sexually associated but not labeled a STI. My doctor said it's possible I could have acquired it initially when he was sleeping with other people and myself. I noticed symptoms started right around the time he revealed he was sleeping with others/the STD scare mentioned previously. I then developed oral thrush from the antibiotics. So that's been really hard to deal with physically, even now. He said he's been faithful since. Emotionally, my anxiety has been the worst it's ever been in my life. It may be a mix of my bf being the catalyst, since he's so close to me, in addition to a history of previous anxiety/past trauma. I've been getting panic attacks and they're scaring me. I can't breathe, it feels like I'm literally suffocating in the midst of one. That's happened a few times, which I've never experienced before. I called my bf once they kept coming on and he helped by just being there. Another time I almost had one at work and contacted a crisis line. I've noticed my anxiety has been significantly affecting my driving. One time I almost crashed from getting lost in anxiety ridden thoughts. Last week, I received my first ever speeding ticket. While not an excuse, I wasn't paying attention to my speed, again from anxiety. The officer said I could have been arrested for it in the neighboring state. I almost had a panic attack and he asked if I needed an ambulance. It took all of the willpower in me not to plead out to help save me. This is out of character for me. I didn't have a driving record before. I never used to speed above 80 mph on the highway ever. I'm afraid to drive now. I've seriously debated calling my mom to come down from way out of state to help drive me to work since my anxiety increases most times while driving, or at work. I had to call a counselor to make it home safely that day. I see myself deteriorating and I'm afraid. I sleep more just so I can keep out the persistent negative thoughts. My crotch is on fire and reminds me constantly of what happened.

    I want to feel better again. I want us to be better again. My bf agreed to couples counseling eventually. I initially made the appointment for me for the earliest I could get (next month) since my first panic attack. Now he wants to come with me to the first appointment as a compromise (the counselor does couples therapy too) and see where it goes. He mentioned getting "even" by going to counseling (or wants me to sleep with someone else to even the odds), to help make me feel better, says this is the hardest relationship he's been in (which puzzles me because I've only calmly talked to him and have remained calm while in his presence so far, while he had a gf who kicked him in the balls, tried to overdose on meds and was sent to the hospital before as a teenager), and I'm overreacting. I don't think I am. So now I am just trying to keep it together until our appointment. It is hard. I have been calling counselors via phone to help in the meantime, and it has some. Mostly with the panic attacks through breathing techniques and talking through all of this. One said my anxiety is my body's natural reaction to danger; that I'm trying to protect myself. I am rethinking if I am even fit to be in a relationship right now. Next month feels so far away. However, I want us to work. I just am so confused. I cannot think right anymore. My mind is a mess. Every time I see him, I desperately want to keep that magic we have in person and not break up. I can't do it. It's when I'm away, I'm having a hard time. Now he questions if my feelings are the same as his and asked me what he thought love meant to me, and if our definitions between liking versus loving someone are the same, then we can say the latter. What does this mean? I said I do love him for different reasons and under the definition I gave, but he won't say it back and instead reiterates he really likes me. I feel unloved every time he does now. I wish our appointment date would come sooner.
    Last edited by yatsue; 08-23-2019 at 06:40 PM.

  2. #2
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I am sorry but love languages and therapy would not be enough to keep me in this mess. I would be done with him. Life is too short. You owe it to yourself to find an honourable person .

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    I want to feel better again. I want us to be better again. My bf agreed to couples counseling eventually.
    Why on earth would you bother? Really?

    You've known him like 6 or 7 months and in that time you've found out what a sex-aholic/alcoholic he is and him being who he is has triggered anxiety/panic disorder in you.

    Instead of going to couples therapy, stop him from moving with you by breaking up with him and then you get into personal therapy to help you to overcome your anxiety and your addiction to HIM.

    Its very codependent of you to want to try and get someone you barely know to change into the man you want him to be instead of just accepting that he's got major loyalty issues and is unable to remain monogamous for any length of time. Which, if you were confident and had love of self would have you runnin from him... not trying to make him into who you want him to be.

    Work on yourself and forget wasting your money on couples counselling and wasting your life on him.

  4. #4
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    All this for a dude you met in February?

    I wouldn't bother, yatsue. I would focus on finding a guy who doesn't come with a boatload of worries and concerns that compel you to seek therapy after only a few months of dating. This man isn't anywhere near as emotionally invested as you are, and chances are very slim that this is going to work out.

    Once you drop this relationship, my strong suspicion is that your anxiety will greatly diminish as well.

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  6. #5
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    I am very very concerned especially since you have been assaulted in the past, that you are choosing to be with this unstable, unreliable person who has a drinking issue at the very least (if not an alcoholic). Put the "but I feel magic" aside. You have to put that aside because love and "magic" is not enough. You must focus on his values, his integrity, his character - or in this case, lack thereof.

    He has told you who he is. Many times over. In many different ways. So putting the 'but the magic!!" aside I am very concerned that you would choose to be with someone who makes you emotionally and physically ill, who triggers panic and anxiety attacks. Of course see a therapist -to find out why you are still seeing this person for this long. But "couples therapy?" He's not really a couple with you - he is a person who is self-absorbed, who has issues with intimacy and issues with alcohol. He is a person who enjoys hanging out with you and having sex with you and enjoys choosing to drink and choosing to have sex with many other people. In the very recent past. So no you are not in a "couple" situation such that a therapist could do "couples therapy." If he wants to pursue individual therapy that's his choice but not one you should be involved with.

    I think the best therapy of all would be first to move on from him completely - you will miss the "magic" but not the rest- and then perhaps pursue individual therapy to figure out why you would stay this long with this person and subject yourself to this person. Because it's not about the "magic."

  7. #6
    Platinum Member sophie274's Avatar
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    Iíve been on here a long time now and Iím not usually one to tell people to end their relationships - most of us have problems and we donít come on here to talk about the happy times. However, let me join the chorus of posters wondering why you are putting yourself through this insecurity, fear, anxiety and these health risks for a short-term relationship with someone riddled with personal and interpersonal problems.

    Your boyfriend is not trustworthy for multiple reasons. As long as you are with him, you will feel this sort of anxiety. I know itís hard to believe you could have the same magical connection with someone else, but you can and you will, if only you will stop throwing good money after bad into this relationship.

    Try to re-read your post as if a friend had written it. The relationship sounds terribly unhealthy and destructive to you - look at how it has affected your mental and physical health. If you cannot see that it is not worth it, I would urge you to go to your therapy session alone and show the therapist what you have written here. Perhaps hearing the advice of a professional will give you the strength to end the relationship.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    My heart broke a few times reading this.

    The way you feel right now, physically, mentally, and emotionally? These are not feelings we want from a relationship, especially a new one. Recalling your last thread, it seems like you're just getting worseóthat being with him, in short, is just bringing you down and spinning you around. Think about that clearly for a moment. Think about how you felt, in life, in your own skin, before you met him. Was it better than this?

    Couples therapy? At six months? I just have to ask: Why? You're so smart, so awesome, and, in ways, you just got out of a relationship that had become a dead weight around you. Why engage in another? Where do you think this instinct comes from to double (and triple, and quadruple) down on something that is so clearly throwing you for a loop?

    I don't ask those questions with judgment, but earnestly. He has never been faithful. Drinks till he blacks out. Refuses to work on himself. I made the comment a few times that he is levels below you in his journey. I fear that if you stay on this path you're just going to find yourself getting pulled backwards to a place you've already been.

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    Trying to force this relationship with this man is the CAUSE of your issues. Not the solution to them.

    It's very concerning that you think this man and his issues create a magical connection between the two of you. The more logical reaction would be to run in the opposite direction. Instead you want to further integrate him into your life.

    How do you feel about him hosting drunken sex parties in the home you two share? Because without a doubt he will.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think he is manipulative and knows all the ways to pull your strings. I also think he sees that you are in pain but he really has no clue how to make things better. His own life is topsy turvy. It was very admirable of you to try to work through and come up with ideas on boundaries but I think this person is too far gone in his bad habits to function in a healthy relationship.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    This guy is sucking the life out of you, yatsue.
    You are a smart, interesting, lively person and this relationship is literally making you sick physically, emotionally and pyschologically. Every part of you is screaming " No, this isn't healthy for me!" . The therapist is right, and maybe you need to stick with talking with him/her just you.
    I could say all kinds of things about this guy but what it comes down to is he just doesn't care, he's all about himself this guy, and it's destroying you trying to be with him.

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