Are we meant to be in a relationsip?

I met a guy through an app not related to dating. It was just to make foreigner friends. We starting texting everyday on Instagram and later on whatsapp. We texted like four hours at least everyday. He is Indian and I am Spanish. I feel his values and morals are similar to mine, unlike most guys in Spain. We similar mindset about life about many things, although we may differ in certain things too of course.

After like four months talking we confessed we liked each other although it was obvious before. When we had been seven months talking my cousin asked me if I wanted to do volunteering in India and I accepted cause I had always wanted to do volunteering abroad and also cause it was a good idea to meet him. We just met for three days and it was very good, we liked each other in person too and we kissed. As I thought it was normal the next step should be start relashionsip, but he said no, that I should wait cause he only wanted to take the commitment if he had job. 'So till when I will have to wait?', I asked, 'till November', he said.

Some things I like about him is that he respect me a lot and he is not jelaous, he always try to please me if I tell him something bothered me, he also is very attentive.

What I don't like it is that he has trouble to show his feelings and with this thing of making me wait, there is not way to change his mind and that is making me rethink everything. I wonder if I want a relationship with him or not, cause I feel a man who truly wants a relationship doesn't let external factors decide no? Maybe I am wrong. I am very confused.

Other problem is I want to talk with him but I have to wait a couple of days cause he doesn't want to talk about this topic with his parents there.

That's why I want to clear my mind, decide if I want to be in relationship with him or not before we speak on video. If anyone has advice I will be forever grateful.

He may be scheduled for an arranged marriage at some point. He just wants some fun. Don't take this seriously.

He says his parents let him marry whoever he wants if they like the girl. Although he also mentioned as last option if he is single he would accept whoever his parents choose.

Hmmm... if he is being honest, then he might just be trying to be responsible. How is his English, do you guys communicate clearly? All those months basically in a LDR, when you finally met, you only kissed? Did he want more intimacy? Were you planning to move to India to be with him if you guys became a couple?

No worries if you don't want to answer some of the above, but those are the questions you want to ask yourself if you want to figure out his motives.

Anyways, he is Asian, a different kind of Asian to myself, but I would understand if he did not want to officially commit to a relationship with you before he had a stable source of income. That's a fairly typical mentality among conservative Asians who consider being a capable breadwinner as a pre-requisite for any serious relationship.

Yes, we wanted, but I was on my period. His English is like mine, enough to have a conversation. He would move to Europe in that case, he wants to search a job in Europe but he needs to have experience first to search here so he wants to work some time there to get that experience. He is engineer. Thanks for explaining me that about mentality. That's what he usually argues, even I tell him I can have my own job. But i wasn't sure if it was him of his culture.

You barely know him and when you traveled to see him he was quite clear that he doesn't want a relationship. He is making sense. If you want a pen-pal that's fine but if you want a bf you might try dating local men.

We just met for three days and it was very good, we liked each other in person too and we kissed. As I thought it was normal the next step should be start relashionsip, but he said no

Yes, we wanted, but I was on my period. His English is like mine, enough to have a conversation. He would move to Europe in that case, he wants to search a job in Europe but he needs to have experience first to search here so he wants to work some time there to get that experience. He is engineer. Thanks for explaining me that about mentality. That's what he usually argues, even I tell him I can have my own job. But i wasn't sure if it was him of his culture.

Okay so only you know the full context, so I cannot give you a definitive answer. I asked you about his English level because I wanted to check if there was anything lost in translation and I asked you about the intimacy thing to get an idea for his motives.

But based on what you have said, this guy was keen to have sex, but did not want to start a relationship, because he doesn't doesn't have a job yet. He also does not want to discuss things for a few days because his parents are around.

Alarm bells should be ringing. Guys who want to have sex but not the responsibilities of a relationship is basically 90% of young single men, regardless of culture. In addition, you should be aware that just as Western guys have a fetish for exotic Asian girls, a lot of Asian guys have a thing for Western (white) girls too. If I put it bluntly, he might be just looking to tick off something on his bucket list and brag to his mates about hooking up with a white girl. Also if his family is very conservative, they might oppose a match with you for religious reasons, and he may not be in a position to defy them.

Finally let's assume I'm being cynical and he is a good guy who is serious about you, but just wants to be in a position to take care of you before committing to a relationship... That means he will probably have to work in India for at least a year before he has the work experience to apply for jobs in Europe... That's potentially a long term long distance relationship. That's a very shaky and risky basis to pin your hopes on a long lasting relationship.

Okay, thank you for the advice, you helped a lot.

Hey girl you can call the shots too. If you don't like something tell him. And please don't expect his word to be a promise. It's just talk until there is actual physical proof. If you want to throw caution into the wind and see where it goes? go for it...there are never any guarantees that there will be a serious/committed relationship out of this...just the chance you will have to take.

He says his parents let him marry whoever he wants if they like the girl. Although he also mentioned as last option if he is single he would accept whoever his parents choose.

Yea... but rarely do they "like" the girl. You must be very afraid of commitment if you think that an Indian man that won't even talk to you when his parents is around is going to commit to you.

Why are you so afraid to meet a man in your own city that you can actually be with?

There are a lot of men who would jump at the chance to be with a girl from Spain. I'm not sure why you've decided to pursue a man halfway around the world from a distant culture and delve into a situation that seems to create more questions than answers.

Is it possible that you are looking at this a little too intently from one perspective? What about pursuing studies or a career abroad or overseas in the country of your choice, working towards your financial or personal independence and finding a like-minded life partner to spend your life with?

He already showed them my picture, and told them we met. He also doesn't mind to talk about normal topics if they are around but he says about relashionsip he rather talk it just with me.

Yes you are right, too much complications.

In fact, next year I will study in Poland.

I am not afraid to meet. It is just I didn't find a suitable guy for me in my city but if I would find I would for sure rather that cause it is easier.

Thank you so much.

Hello everyone, thanks to everyone who almost two years ago tried to help me with this topic. I wanted to update you all on what's going on right now regarding this guy. That year in October we made one year that we started talking and we started a relationship, he asked me one week before and I said no because I wanted to be the one who asked, so I asked him and he said yes.  So we started while I was in Poland and he was studying in India. The Covid pandemy started three months before the date we had decided to meet again so here we are, one and half year into the relationship, still going strong, but with a global pandemy that is keeping us apart. But we are happy together, and want to meet once that is safe to travel again. I am aware that this is not easy nor normal but I would not choose any guy I have ever met over him, and he was insecure in that moment, felt he didn't deserve me and also had bad experiences in the past and that made him do what he did, but now I know we both improved a lot in our trust issues. All his family know about me, they like me a lot and all is good. He read the answers today and told it is understandable that people felt that way about him because he knows people that behave that way. 

And that's all, thanks to all for helping in a difficult moment. Bye. 

I hope you enjoy meeting him in person and then you will see if it makes sense to go on a date and have a romantic relationship with this person.  It's not abnormal at all to have a penpal you are attracted to.  It's a little odd that you put form over substance and insisted on being the one to "ask" him - it's nice your friend obliged.  My sense is he feels safer keeping this interaction online because of his bad past experiences and this way you both can feel all the excitement about what it might be like when you finally meet and not have to put in the effort of being in a romantic relationship.  It's good that your families know you are interacting with him, for safety purposes too.  Hopefully it will be a fun and safe adventure when you meet in person!

I understand you see this as a romantic relationship just like if you were in person.  I'd caution you against that mindset especially if you actually want to meet him and see if there is a chance at a romantic relationship.  Building up expectations in this way very often can sabotage the chances of it working out in real life.