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Thread: Me Selfish Really ??

  1. #1

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    Me Selfish Really ??

    Ok ladies and gents here goes.

    I'm 36 with my own business. I have always been a hardworking guy and love to stay active doing business or DIY around the house. We have 3 children, married 10 years. I'm the sole provider in the house, over the years i have brought 3 houses all paid for. Holidays twice a year.....Recently i brought the wife a brand new car again paid for in full. I have been generous ( expensive taste ) in providing for her and the kids at least i think so.

    I like to think that I'm not the type of guy who always looks at money, i spend on my family all the time, hardly on myself. I'm currently wearing trainers with work pants as my work shoes split.... Recently i brought her a gift to mark our anniversary, Tag watch and she has only gone and lost it. How the f**k do you loose a watch. She has a habit of loosing things, she lost the car keys when she went to her mum's house, this was back 8 years ago........

    All our children are in full time education, for the last 5 years i have being paying for childcare. We have a 3 year old who is a slow developer recently diagnosed with autism. He is hard work most times. Bulk of the day he's in pre school.. She went to see a mother who also has a son who suffers from autism this is back at her mums place. However on her route she spent 30 mins on the phone to the person she was suppose to meet, then 10 days later i receive a bus lane fine and find out she was also at some other place. When asked about it, she went shopping with her mum. I asked why did you not mention it, she said why should i, it's nothing!

    She gives me a running commentary of her day when she has the kids, telling me how hard it is. The verbal abuse can be allot at times. I'm not honestly sure what she does at home between the hours of 9 and 2. She says she does the house work and doesn't really get time for anything else. Her duties are carried out below standards. We are opposites here, when i do something i do it thoroughly.

    I'm no goody two shoes. I can also give it back and be stubborn. But recently I'm getting a little bored with the .

    She's has blocked my mother, father and sisters from her phone. Me mum asked me that "i cant get through to your wife for the past 3 weeks, ive tried from your dads phone". When i confronted her about it she denied blocking them, so i had a look to see what the problem was and no surprise all on the block list. I just left it that!

    She doesn't like anyone apart from her family, and always comparing...

    I keep getting told I'm selfish, in the past i believed it, however i'm not sure anymore?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your post is so angry and contemptuous it almost sounds like you hate her. It's clear you have no respect for her and you think she's stupid, selfish, absent minded, doesn't do what she's "supposed to" and a lousy mother to boot. You may know the price of everything, but the value of nothing. Maybe she doesn't want all the status symbol crap and just wants a husband who at least... likes her? She doesn't have to speak with your parents. That's your job. Marriage therapy could help you, but you'll have to jump off this high horse to get there.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Marriage therapy could help you, but you'll have to jump off this high horse to get there.
    Not so sure it's a high horse... very well could be just plain fed up after years of this... just sayin'

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Calling her a distant "the" wife instead of "my" wife is very telling of your emotional disconnection from her. If she is verbally abusing you, and you give it right back, that of course kills any love you once had for each other.

    If you were childless, it'd be a lot more easier to walk away if that's what you're thinking. Since you have children together, I'd consider seeking couples counseling, since neither of you have been successful in retaining a satisfying marriage. The counselor will give you homework, some of it fun (reigniting the spark). If both of you put in the effort, improvements will be guaranteed.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    Perhaps she's overwhelmed with the job of 3 kids, one of whom is special needs. I dont think I could handle that very well. How much do you pitch in with helping with the kids? You do seem a bit obsessed with money and the nice things it's bought you and the family. Maybe more time directed to her and the kids would be better than fancy watches she loses. You really dont seem to like her very much.

  7. #6
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    If someone tells you you're being 'selfish', it means that you're not doing what they want you to do - it's just a manipulative way of saying it. It can also be instructive to look at who's REALLY the selfish one in the situation; it often isn't the one who's being accused of it.

    Blocking your family from the phone is a no-no... and what do you mean by 'verbal abuse'? If it's calling you names and putting you down, yes, that's verbal abuse. If it's just her telling you how hard it is, spending her days with three young children, then maybe it's time to listen rather than dismissing her. Not everyone's cut out to do housework to exacting standards, and maybe the kids are driving her nuts.

    It sounds as though you have totally different ways of expressing love; your way - of providing material comfort and expensive possessions - may not be fully appreciated by her, whilst her hopes for more of a listening ear from you don't seem relevant because you're already doing your very best to provide for her. In your own terms. This doesn't mean that either of you is right or wrong, but it does seem like an incompatibility which could be well addressed by you both being open and honest with each other about your needs - with professional help if necessary.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Nobody blocks someone from their phone without a good reason. Were they pestering her? How often do you communicate with your parents? Communicating with them is your job, not hers. So? Let her block them. You can still talk to them anytime you wish. Never force parents on spouses or spouses on parents.
    Originally Posted by asubs
    She's has blocked my mother, father and sisters from her phone.

  9. #8
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    You seems a little too obsessed with money and material things, maybe your wife misses the emotional connection. Are you doing any activities/fun things together?

  10. #9
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    What kind of things do you do together as a family? Things other than buying them expensive things?

    Any park visits? Picnics? The beach? The childrens' museum?

    How about date nights? A bottle of wine on the deck? A movie and popcorn? Dinner at a casual cafe?

    I used to date a man whose ex wife accused him of not being a good father. He complained about it to me, saying "I buy them anything they want! They have $1,000 custom snowboards! I mean, yeah, I don't spend a lot of TIME with them but I spend a lot of money." He was totally tone deaf about what his family wanted and needed from him.

    It's now necessarily about the money you spend, but the time.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    I like to think that I'm not the type of guy who always looks at money
    I was in the process of trying to pull out all of the places in your post where you reference money and gave up...

    In your post it comes across that you use money and gifts as a way to show love and affection for the people you care about. Like, you go on and on about the watch you bought, the houses you have bought and paid for, the car you paid for in full. All well and good but hardly enough to sustain a relationship. Money is an extrinsic motivation and only brings a temporary sense of satisfaction... relationships have intrinsic values that need to be met in order to survive and thrive, like love, compassion, affection, humour, communication.

    You are also VERY hard on your wife in this post... you talk about her like she is an employee. If that's how you treat her it's no wonder you are both unhappy in your relationship.

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