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Thread: I love her, but I don't think I can be happy with her.

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Update

    I feel like people have told me what I needed to hear, but I am really struggling to take decisive action. Partly that is because I am still struggling to let go and really hurt somebody I truly do love, and partly because even if I decide to do it, I don't want to do it when I am not with her in person. I am going back to the UK on Sep 24 and I want to make a final choice before then.

    I have become more vague and more non-committal when I talk to her about the future, and she has picked up on it... and she responds by pressing me for reassurances and precisely the kind of concrete commitment that I want to avoid, and crying pretty much every time that we video-chat. She asks "do you still love me? do you want to be with me?" and she gets upset when I say things like "do you think we are good for each other? don't you think somebody else could take better care of you?"... She feels me slipping away and she is grasping ever harder. She's booked a date at local government to register our intent to marry, she has gone off birth control (I agreed to this because if I stay with her, we will try for children, if we break up, we won't have sex again) and she is even checking flight tickets to visit me in the most fertile period of her menstrual cycle...

    I'm not really sure what I am expecting anyone to tell me that I have not already been told. I feel like I have all the information, I feel like the choice is pretty obvious, but it still feels like abandoning my responsibility, leaving a puppy on the roadside, stabbing her in the heart. My chest hurts just thinking about it. Am I being egotistical to think that she cannot survive without me? There has been more drama on her family front, maybe I'll post about that separately... if I abandon her, I am so worried that she will get mad at me, reject my help going forwards, and then get completely screwed over by her evil sister.
    Honestly, you should tell her that you *do* love her but it seems your lives are going in different directions now - that's honest.
    I think you need to marry her or let her go. There are only two choices. Marry her, and you take her with you to Singapore or stop torturing her at this point. Or is there part of you that would let her stay with you in Singapore to see what kind of person she is outside the family dynamic - that's the third option - have her come visit you for a vacation but NOT during her fertile cycle and don't have sex? its really cruel to keep this woman thinking you are marrying her when you do not.

  2. #32
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    if I abandon her, I am so worried that she will get mad at me, reject my help going forwards,

    so you expect her if you break up with her to be the white knight and take care of her....but refuse to be with her? That's really wrong....If the only reasons you reject her are because of her sister and her age - move away from them and do fertility treatments or adopt. But if there is way more...than be honest with her.

  3. #33
    Member SixOfOne's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    As for Cathy....I do question why she is interested in me when I really think she is out of my league.
    At the risk of hijacking the main theme of these posts, let me tell you from experience that when you're interested in a woman that turns heads and excites you and is interested in you, the only answer to the question of 'why' should be 'Because I'm worthy of this. She's lucky to have met me.' When you start thinking things like 'out of my league' and doubting your worthiness, that lack of confidence radiates off of you like a beacon. Every woman in the world can sense that, and not a single one of them would find that attractive. I'm not even talking specifically about Cathy, but rather any woman you encounter that affects you this way, if you hope to have any chance at all of her being with you and staying with you for any length of time. Work on that confidence and self-esteem, man. Just my 2 worth...

  4. #34
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    so you expect her if you break up with her to be the white knight and take care of her....but refuse to be with her? That's really wrong....If the only reasons you reject her are because of her sister and her age - move away from them and do fertility treatments or adopt. But if there is way more...than be honest with her.
    There is more than just her sister(s) and her age. She refuses to move away anyway - that is another big sticking point. So yeah I have resolved to end it. I will do it next time I see her in person in 2 weeks.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    There is more than just her sister(s) and her age. She refuses to move away anyway - that is another big sticking point. So yeah I have resolved to end it. I will do it next time I see her in person in 2 weeks.
    What do you do if you breakup with her because she doesn't want to move away, she tells you she has been thinking and is willing to relocate

  7. #36
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SixOfOne
    At the risk of hijacking the main theme of these posts, let me tell you from experience that when you're interested in a woman that turns heads and excites you and is interested in you, the only answer to the question of 'why' should be 'Because I'm worthy of this. She's lucky to have met me.' When you start thinking things like 'out of my league' and doubting your worthiness, that lack of confidence radiates off of you like a beacon. Every woman in the world can sense that, and not a single one of them would find that attractive. I'm not even talking specifically about Cathy, but rather any woman you encounter that affects you this way, if you hope to have any chance at all of her being with you and staying with you for any length of time. Work on that confidence and self-esteem, man. Just my 2 worth...
    Yes, I get that.

    My confidence level is a bit hard to define. I am very assured of my basic self worth and my potential. Without exaggeration I used to be considered "elite", I come from a really good family and I have tasted success, respect and leadership roles. However I am also keenly aware of just how much I screwed up my 20s, so objectively speaking, my career is a mess and I have no assurance of future success. So that is a great source of my insecurity when dealing with girls who I know can easily find a more handsome, taller and/or more accomplished partner, not to mention wealthier.

  8. #37
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    What do you do if you breakup with her because she doesn't want to move away, she tells you she has been thinking and is willing to relocate
    I am going to be resolute. Because she agreed to potential relocation the last time I tried to break up with her in June, and then changed her mind a few weeks later. She was basically agreeing to anything and everything to save the relationship, and she might do so again, but I know that even if she did eventually agree to relocate, she will likely hate the change and resent me for it.

    I will also feel a lot of (financial) pressure if she loses her stable, relaxed and high paying job and cannot find anything near as good again. She did not go to university and refuses to complete the professional qualification that she was studying for when it was interrupted by her father's stroke. So yeah her career prospects are not great if she ever leaves her current employer, who treat her very well because of her experience and proficiency, and nearly 20 years of service.

  9. #38
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    One thing I can't help but remark on:

    In some of your advice to other posters you find ways to tuck in your "conservative" view of men and women, a kind of hunter/gatherer, alpha/beta, earner/carer, or, knight/damsel dynamic that you value. And yet it's with derision that you paint Jane as the concubine who is your ball and chain, frustrated by qualities that you also seem to seek.

    Would it be different, do you think, if Jane was, I don't know, 25? Same struggles with the buying of the car, but offset perhaps by a bit more friskiness between the sheets? Same general subservience, but offset by the idea that her wings are still growing, with your attentive pruning, instead of having been pre-clipped by a family dynamic that pre-shaped her in ways that limited your ability to do much shaping?

  10. #39
    Bronze Member MirrorKnight's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bluecastle
    Would it be different, do you think, if Jane was, I don't know, 25? Same struggles with the buying of the car, but offset perhaps by a bit more friskiness between the sheets? Same general subservience, but offset by the idea that her wings are still growing, with your attentive pruning, instead of having been pre-clipped by a family dynamic that pre-shaped her in ways that limited your ability to do much shaping?
    Hmmm that is a good question. I think if she were 25 years old, or even 30, it would change the equation on a number of issues.

    1) I would feel like I have more time. I definitely would not be considering marriage and family whilst my own career is in the air. My career is my priority right now, fixing the damage of my 20s... I really do not feel ready to start a family, especially not with a partner who needs so much time and attention herself.

    2) The sex issue is not so much a quality issue as a quantity issue. More precisely a future quantity issue. It is not as exciting as when I was younger, but it is okay and I am fine with how often we had sex when we lived together. But it does worry me that in a few years, I will probably not find her physically attractive anymore, due to her ageing and unwillingness to watch her weight. Am I okay for my sex life to end around 40? Probably not.

    3) As you alluded, if she were younger, I would feel that there would be more potential for growth and development. She would not be so set in her ways, maybe she would take up my advice to learn a new language and complete her professional qualification.

  11. #40
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    What are your plans after the UK trip when you return? Are you staying in SG for a bit longer? You should travel SEA while you're down there and visit Australia and NZ. Take the opportunity.

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