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Thread: I love her, but I don't think I can be happy with her.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I think you should be single for a good while.
    You aren't ready for serious, you want to sow your oats, but you are artificially bound by all these ideas you have of how relationships are supposed to be.
    I think with Cathy it's just as simple as you find her so hot and she gets your motor running, and now you are piling up ideas into who she is based on basically wanting to have sex with her.
    So be single, have sex with who you want, stop with this obligation bs and ideas of incorporating this new woman into your life. No talk of babies and where shed move , for God sake. Be really careful not to get her knocked up.

  2. #12
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    It sounds like you've outgrown your relationship with Jane and are only staying with her out of guilt - which isn't fair to either of you. I cannot see how you can even fathom the thought of staying with and marrying Jane out of guilt (and having children with her). This would be a surefire way to guarantee a lifetime of unhappiness, for not only the both of you, but your children, too (if you had any). Don't do it.

    I have a question - how do you think Jane would feel if she knew you were staying with her out of guilt? How would you feel if someone was only staying with you out of guilt? I'd be furious. Would it suck that the person I was with wanted to break up with me? Of course. But I'd rather have them end things than stay with me out of guilt, pity or obligation.

    Let her go so she can find someone who doesn't question whether they want to be with her, and so you can be free to do what you want - whether it means pursuing things with Cathy, or not.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by MirrorKnight
    Thanks for your advice.

    I still feel horrible about hurting Jane so deeply. I don't think it is my fault that what happened happened, but I still feel responsible. I do love her, I just don't know if love is enough for us to be happy together.

    As for Cathy, no she does not know about Jane, I met her through a friend after I decided to break up with Jane (but couldn't push through with it). I deliberately delayed doing anything with her until my situation with Jane cleared up, so we met back in June, but I've only been on two dates with her so far. We have been talking a lot more though.

    Yes if you flip the situation around, I'm aware that I'm the one being deceitful to both girls, and a "huge red flag" hangs over my head actually. I'm not normally this sort of person, I consider myself very responsible and loyal, and that's why I'm trying to clear up this confusion in my head asap so I can make a decision and stick with it.
    You're welcome.

    It's beautiful to love someone with all your heart, but that doesn't make them a suitable partner. You need someone that meshes with you (as well as your lifestyle), shares your values and has flaws that you can live with. Take some time to reflect on what you truly desire.

    At the moment I feel that what you see in (or you have highlighted about) Cathy is merely a reflection of what you wish Jane was. Nothing more. That's why, at present, Cathy is so interesting to you.

    Anyhow, you already know what you need to do.

  4. #14
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i only skimmed thru your stuff so take this with a grain of salt.
    1. your love for somebody can't be about what they can provide to you (how many kids but what time at what age,e tc.) it needs to be about what you are together and how happy you are together. All that other stuff is not about relatoinship - it's about agenda. And agenda's always f up relationships.

    2. as i said.. its about how happy you are together with nothing else factoring in (like babies, timing, years, etc.) so you have to make sure you are doing what is best and makes you happiest and what situation is conducive to that and does not combat that.

    3. don't cheat.. ever. if you're truly done with person A, then set them free and let them know and DO NOT betray them. Take care o business before you start self-fulfilling in other areas. You're an adult. ACT LIKE ONE so you'll be treated and respected like one in the future. Guarantee you.. if Person B realizes you cheated on Person A to be with her - she'll see you as a cheater and devalue you and you just screwed yourself.

    4. You owe nothign to other people, you owe only to yourself. That being said, don't be a and mislead or do anythign to hurt other people. Sack up and do the right thing and be an adult (as i said before).

    good luck on your decision.

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  6. #15
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    Thanks to everyone above for your input. I am taking my time to digest it. Almost everything everyone has said makes perfect sense, but I am just finding it very difficult to convince myself that knowingly hurting Jane so deeply would be the right thing to do...

    Originally Posted by milly007
    I have a question - how do you think Jane would feel if she knew you were staying with her out of guilt? How would you feel if someone was only staying with you out of guilt? I'd be furious. Would it suck that the person I was with wanted to break up with me? Of course. But I'd rather have them end things than stay with me out of guilt, pity or obligation.

    Let her go so she can find someone who doesn't question whether they want to be with her, and so you can be free to do what you want - whether it means pursuing things with Cathy, or not.
    To answer your question specifically Milly... When I last tried to break up with her on my last visit to the UK, I tried to frame it as nicely as possible, and argued that, whilst I loved her, I don't feel ready to take care of her in the way she needs. (My own mental health fragility, my "ambition baggage" and wanderlust). She cried for two days and two nights, repeating "why you do this?! ...don't do this!" ... it was the most heartbreaking thing I have experienced in my life.

    If she knew I was staying with her out of guilt? I think she would be desperately upset and sad about it... but I am not sure if she would then just willingly let me go. She has never been independent in her whole life, I fear it is too late for her to gain that independence now.

    She is in her late 30s, if she were 10 years younger, I would not feel so bad about abandoning her, because then she is still young, she has time to recover and find somebody more compatible than me. But at this point, her biological clock is ticking down to 0, she has no experience of dating aside from me, I worry she would become very depressed and reclusive, never dating again, and even more timid and frightened of the big wide world than now. I feel like I would be ruining her future happiness...

    I don't know, my sense of obligation and responsibility seems to be a little unusual based on the advice on this forum. I wonder if there is some cultural difference here, or just the conservatism of my upbringing. My parents have met Jane, they really like her too, especially my Mum. They think that basically, she has no moral failings or character faults, and since I chose her (and consummated our relationship), I am responsible for her well being. I can only break up with her if she "accepts it", because if not, "what happens if she does something stupid".

  7. #16
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    She has never been independent in her whole life, I fear it is too late for her to gain that independence now.
    It's never too late to gain independence, unless you're physically too frail to exist without a carer, or lack the mental capacity to do so (for example, someone with dementia or a severe and enduring mental illness).

    Jane is in her 30's, an attractive woman with an income, and you shouldn't be looking to take care of another adult as if she was a completely incompetent kid. You are not responsible for her wellbeing; she's responsible for her own actions and choices, and it could be that this will be the push that she needs to break free of her oppressive past. You have done your best to be kind about ending the relationship, but at the moment it's not doing either of you any good to stay together. You will end up feeling trapped, and she will end up being more and more demanding as she senses your disengagement.

    Forget the other lady for now. You need to establish your own sense of self, with healthy and appropriate boundaries independent of those of your parents, before you embark on any new relationships. And you've got enough on your plate with your own conflicted emotions right now.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I definitely do think some of the sense of obligation is due to wider cultural and family beliefs.
    Basically, this idea that it is horrifically tragic for a woman to not be getting married and having children is yes usually indicative of a very conservative belief system.
    I grew up around some very conservative people, not my family but much of the community around us. I'm familiar with this line of thinking.

    Perhaps it's time to question it. Not because it 'is wrong' but because when people grew up strongly believing such as you do around relationships and obligations, there is often a lot of reaction in choices. A bit like how a lot of people react and vote against who they don't want instead of who they actually do, do to forces in their belief systems they have working as a tight elastic in their mind.
    You have tight elastic of " oh my god, how terrible for Jane to not have a man now, I can't destroy that, I can't live with destroying that life!!" is really more about you reacting to your beliefs too, not the actual state of things now what might be best truly for both of your futures.

  9. #18
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    MirrorKnight, we only grow when challenged. In other words, Jane will learn how to cope with the difficulties of life. It might take her some time and it might be difficult for her at first. But she will learn how to cope and how to be independent. She just needs to be given a chance.

    But, you know what, I'm not sure that the feeling of being responsible for her well-being is the reason or sole reason you are staying with Jane. I find it's easier to lie in our comfort zone than to gamble everything we've got for uncertainty.

  10. #19
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    I don't feel ready to take care of her in the way she needs. (My own mental health fragility, my "ambition baggage" and wanderlust). She cried for two days and two nights, repeating "why you do this?! ...don't do this!" ... it was the most heartbreaking thing I have experienced in my life.

    But see... you are doing the classic "i hope she breaks up with me so i don't have to". "i am not good enough for you, you deserve someone better. I can'tbe what you want " And of course the other person cries "BUT YOU ARE!!" You can't passively break up and hope she gets the hint. you have to be firm. "I have to tell you. I love you, but have decided that i can't do this long term. I have found myself thinking about other women and i know if this was the right relationship or i was ready for a long term commitment, i wouldn't be."

    or "i decided that i don't want to marry you,"

    Or something else. But none of this "i can't be what you need me to be" because that implies that if she shifts her needs, she keeps you.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Jane doesn't physically have anywhere to go despite paying the mortgage on her house. He might have to fly back to the UK to help her re-situate herself or at the very least have a word with her family or assist her if they're hostile and the outcome might be less than savoury if he's delivering her back to her dysfunctional family. There's a living situation issue with Jane and her finances are tied up. With a new job, going back to the UK might not be feasible until he can work out some time off to go back and tie up loose ends.

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