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Thread: Dating for almost 6 years and not sure if heís the one

  1. #21
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    Jmo but based on what the OP has posted, in all her posts, yes she is seeking a certain stereotype, one that will fit into what society and her family deems "appropriate" for her as a PA.

    Doctor, lawyer, businessman, teacher, sadly (imo) tattoo artist doesn't fall into the category of "appropriate" with respect to social standing which is clearly important to her.

    She has made that very clear, it's the premise of this entire thread!

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    From the original post:
    "All my cohorts are dating men with normal jobs and none of them have neck tattoos."
    Yes and I wouldn't assume she means 9 to 5 cookie cutter. Or that they are not creative, not artists, etc. I know people who have tattoos who are not creative and the opposite is true as well. Thank you though for pointing that out as I would need to know more, what she means and why she cares that much. For one thing those with normal jobs might lose those jobs, pursue a less typical career, etc - many things are not set in stone. For what it's worth to me tattoo artist is a normal job.

  3. #23
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    What exactly are you worried about? That people will judge you based off of him? That you feel like youíll constantly have to defend what a good person his is?

    Iím in the healthcare/education field, but Iíve always marched to the beat of my own drum as far as dating preferences.

    I can empathize with the feeling after you get those comments from people. I dated a guy for years who was three times my size and everyone would turn their nose up when they saw a picture of us together. That had the opposite effect on me though, I wanted nothing to do with those people-family included. Your cohort sounds a lot like mine when I went through grad school (if they were the ones you were referring to as laughing in your post). People look for any excuse to judge others to make themselves feel more secure.

    I say think long and hard about what you love about him and what exactly youíre worried about. From the post it sounds very superficial. If youíve got a good man, remember, someone new may ďLookĒ like more your match, but could be a terrible partner.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    What exactly are you worried about? That people will judge you based off of him? That you feel like youíll constantly have to defend what a good person his is?

    Iím in the healthcare/education field, but Iíve always marched to the beat of my own drum as far as dating preferences.

    I can empathize with the feeling after you get those comments from people. I dated a guy for years who was three times my size and everyone would turn their nose up when they saw a picture of us together. That had the opposite effect on me though, I wanted nothing to do with those people-family included. Your cohort sounds a lot like mine when I went through grad school (if they were the ones you were referring to as laughing in your post). People look for any excuse to judge others to make themselves feel more secure.

    I say think long and hard about what you love about him and what exactly youíre worried about. From the post it sounds very superficial. If youíve got a good man, remember, someone new may ďLookĒ like more your match, but could be a terrible partner.
    Yes, I like this way of looking at it and your story reminds me of a guy I dated many years ago (who did theatrical design work on the side of his more typical day job) -he was short, a bit overweight, thinning hair and not that handsome but I thought he was cute and to me, he "sparkled" -that's the only way I can describe it. I brought him to a work event. Two of my coworkers who were very, very attractive were there and dating. I was friendly with the guy not so much the woman. She saw my boyfriend, stared at me with a definite look of 'why are you with him???" and it made me even happier to be by his side after a momentary cringe from that "look" -I quickly realized it was her issues and how awful it was of her to give me a look like that.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    External vs Internal. Your preference or others.
    Don't get hung up on other's opinions of what they perceive externally.

    What's matters is your opinion with who he is as a man and partner to you.
    They aren't going home with him, you are.

    I have a little more experience than you and I've dated (and married) men with fancy titles and impressive resumes. Good social standing, as you say. They were the least likely to have good character and didn't make for good partners.

    If you love this guy and he's good to you, then you should be proud of him. Tattoos and all.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You don't live together, you're not engaged or married or in a committed relationship so you can still rethink if you're compatible. This isn't just about tattoos and entering a more staid field. It's about major incompatibilities, major conflicts in values, goals and outlooks. The worst part is that you already have family conflict. Perhaps your rebel without a cause days are over so he's suddenly not so appealing to you because the shock value he once had on your parents has worn off?
    I was thinking this too.

    I was also thinking it would be very surprising if your boyfriend is not aware that this is a ' ride it out while you can' situation. He knows you, he knows your values, he hasn't met your extended family in 6 years, this relationship hasn't evolved to something more serious in all these years.

    You are kind of lucky he treated you well, not because of anything but your insecurities are like a big old target on you that leaves you vulnerable to people who don't mind exploiting that.
    If you keep this attitude of bending your life based the opinions of status seekers, it could be a tough road for you. If you are seeking non judgemental acceptance, it doesn't make sense to expect that from people whose value systems are built on the exact opposite. But that's for you to figure out yourself.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Yes, I like this way of looking at it and your story reminds me of a guy I dated many years ago (who did theatrical design work on the side of his more typical day job) -he was short, a bit overweight, thinning hair and not that handsome but I thought he was cute and to me, he "sparkled" -that's the only way I can describe it. I brought him to a work event. Two of my coworkers who were very, very attractive were there and dating. I was friendly with the guy not so much the woman. She saw my boyfriend, stared at me with a definite look of 'why are you with him???" and it made me even happier to be by his side after a momentary cringe from that "look" -I quickly realized it was her issues and how awful it was of her to give me a look like that.
    I totally agree! The look is like a mixture of shock, pity and disgust. I was much younger so after getting over the fact that someone would even make that look or a comment of ďew what do you see in him?Ē directly to my face I would start to rationalize. Boy did that feel crummy.
    Interestingly, they were mostly the ones that were complaining about their significant others and I was the one secure and happy (at the time lol).

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It seemed to make a difference for me in the way my family and friends viewed my husband when I introduced him to them. When others see by your example how you treat your spouse or your significant other, most people follow suit out of respect or an openness to know more about something they feel they may have misjudged at first. It's a good idea I think to review how you treat him among your family and friends. Sometimes it takes time for others to see other realities and other ways of treating people.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by akrngrl
    I totally agree! The look is like a mixture of shock, pity and disgust. I was much younger so after getting over the fact that someone would even make that look or a comment of ďew what do you see in him?Ē directly to my face I would start to rationalize. Boy did that feel crummy.
    Interestingly, they were mostly the ones that were complaining about their significant others and I was the one secure and happy (at the time lol).
    Yes in my case Miss and Mr. Attractive broke up apparently because she was unattractive on the inside. I also really like the comment of treating your SO with respect and admiration and those who love and care about you will trust that you know who you care about and will treat your SO with respect. In my case my mother typically liked my friends/boyfriends. When she didn't and when she voiced an opinion, she was always right and I thank her for that.

  11. #30
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    Away from all noise - do you love him and respect him and adore him?

    Be bold and start introducing him to people or talking about him without hiding who he is and see how it goes - and see how you react to how it goes. Keeping him so secret for so long might be what is draining on you more than the actual details about his lifestyle and his job. Especially if you are an external processor. You definitely won't be happy staying with somebody that you keep a secret. But he doesn't have to say a secret. That's a false system you've created.

    My guess - when you talk about him with people they may raise an eyebrow or two but it won't be the disaster you fear. And then the few people who do have a bad reaction? I'm betting you stick up for your boyfriend and your true feelings will come more into focus.

    Sometimes our worries about society have some merit, but sometimes it's our own society we have created and accepted that is keeping us trapped.

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