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Thread: Dating for almost 6 years and not sure if heís the one

  1. #11
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    I would get to the root of whether you agree with your family. I think it is essential to respect and admire what your partner has chosen for his career or profession or job. Of course some people work just to meet their financial needs but again - then the spouse should admire and respect those values too. If you do not -you not your family - then he is not the right person for you as a spouse. He might be fine to date or be friends with but not for a spouse. If you care that much about what people think that you are ignoring what you personally respect and admire then that is a separate issue -and if you care that much I would say you're not ready to be with him or anyone because part of a healthful relationship requires that you can be secure in your own beliefs and values and not be swayed to that extent by what others think.

    No I would not have dated a tattoo artist most likely because I personally would not be comfortable with that kind of work or with a partner who wanted/had tattoos. I certainly could be friends with a person who made that choice. And I am comfortable expressing that preference for marriage and other preferences and values I had - because marriage is not about treating everyone "equally" -it's about selecting a good match for life. Being "fair" and not "judging" is important when it comes to who you associate with, work with, are friendly with. Certainly if the judgment is too an extreme as in "I won't date a left handed person because they are all sinister" that's just silly but deciding that someone has a profession you don't respect or admire is enough in many cases to decline to be with that person in a long term committed relationship.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by DKA

    Personally, I like seeing couples that don't appear to 'match' on the exterior. I always figure that got something going on that's so good, nothing else matters. You might actually find that some people will be envious.
    I agree and feel the same.

    I am also one of those women who actually prefer dating men outside of what society would deem "appropriate" for me, call it the rebel in me but men like this appeal to me!

    I work in a very conservative field (legal) and have dated lawyers and doctors and they all eventually bored me to death, no thank you!

    One of my brothers literally yelled at me when I broke up with an ex a couple of years back -- a doctor.

    I am attracted to creative eclectic men and would date (and marry) a tattoo artist in a heartbeat!! Assuming there was a mutual chemistry and attraction, and love should we choose to marry, and would feel more than proud to introduce him to the stuffy lawyers in my office and my brothers who are all quite conservative.

    I also love tattoos on men! I find then incredibly sexy!

    But that's just me. Another poster said she would never date a tattoo artist so there ya go, we are all different.

    The only issue I have w this is you dated him for six years, fell in love w him, knowing full well he was a tattoo artist, but now that you are studying to become a PA, you've changed your tune and feel he is no longer up to your standards due to what society and your family think.

    I don't know, there is just something very wrong w that mindset in my opinion but best of luck whatever you decide.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-23-2019 at 10:56 AM.

  3. #13
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    Hi Leigh,

    It sounds like you two are a great couple and appearances or society should not be what drives you apart. That being said, you mentioned something about your "lifestyles" not being compatible, and that's a different matter entirely. Are your interests/hobbies/pastimes starting to be different also? Or do you still have as much in common as when you got together? Ask yourself whether your "he has tattoos" objection is you covering for real, deeper issues you haven't addressed. And if not, if he's a great guy who loves you and you're in love with him, then I think 30 years from now you may regret walking away for these reasons.

    But I don't know you guys or the situation very well, so these are just some thoughts. I hope you're able to reach a good decision on this and I wish you both the best!

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You don't live together, you're not engaged or married or in a committed relationship so you can still rethink if you're compatible. This isn't just about tattoos and entering a more staid field. It's about major incompatibilities, major conflicts in values, goals and outlooks. The worst part is that you already have family conflict. Perhaps your rebel without a cause days are over so he's suddenly not so appealing to you because the shock value he once had on your parents has worn off?
    Originally Posted by Leigh34
    I am 29 and he is 39. my parents arenít crazy about him either.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Leigh34

    I canít help feeling like we arenít a good fit but we do love each other very much. Iím just worried about what that means for our future as far as social standing goes.
    I think this^ pretty much says it all, and as far as being incompatible, my advice is to think long and hard about why exactly you believe you are now suddenly incompatible after six years.

    Is this what you truly believe due to your own personal values and standards?

    Or are you adhering to the standards of "society" and your family's values and standards?

    It's an important decision cause it will affect your happiness for the rest of your lfe.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-23-2019 at 12:00 PM.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm a bit cautious about the stereotypes of tattooed vs non-tattooed. I'm sure we all have our differing views. A lot of people fall in the gray areas between those stereotypes.

    Tattoo artists fall into different categories depending on how they approach their work. I'm sure you have a very good overview of the industry with your partner being in it. It is very hard and backbreaking work as most artists spend their time hunched over, squinting for long periods, especially for larger pieces. Most artists also make themselves available after hours or on weekends when people want to be tattooed. Tattooing is time consuming but it can also be a lucrative career. There are different levels of experience and talent in the industry and you'll usually hear about a good artist through word of mouth.

    I felt it was necessary to write about this because not many know about the industry or the type of endurance and level of talent it takes to sustain a job/career in it. As a creative in the industry working these hours and this type of work, he may lean on you for a lot of support and he may also be very likely oblivious to any misgivings you have as he's not around a lot or is consumed by his work. For this reason, I'd be cautious about misleading him and allowing him to believe you support him when you feel you really cannot, mentally, emotionally. You deserve to be with someone you can be passionate about now or in the future too. Be kind to each other.

  8. #17
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    I am a college administrator. And I love a tatted up man! More so, I love a creative man!

    If you are questioning him not being right for you, he probably isn't. And you need to respect him enough to let him go. Don't lead him on if you are looking for a 9-5 cookie-cutter man. If you can't be confident with him, let him find the right person.

    My main questions is why do you feel like you need to fit in to a certain stereotype? Especially in the medical field, I prefer a doctor or PA who is more individualistic.

  9. #18
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    I am a middle aged woman and I am tattooed.

    Fortunately I work for a company that cares less about what's on my body, my hair color or what metal is attached to my body and more about my skill set. I could go to work tomorrow with green hair with purple stripes and my boss would say "Hi! Cool hair!"

    My family is also very accepting of people no matter how they choose to decorate their bodies.

    Tattoos say nothing about what a person is capable of professionally or what their character is.

    OP, please think hard about what's more important to you...having a partner your family will "approve" of or having a partner YOU approve of.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by loyal
    I am a college administrator. And I love a tatted up man! More so, I love a creative man!

    If you are questioning him not being right for you, he probably isn't. And you need to respect him enough to let him go. Don't lead him on if you are looking for a 9-5 cookie-cutter man. If you can't be confident with him, let him find the right person.

    My main questions is why do you feel like you need to fit in to a certain stereotype? Especially in the medical field, I prefer a doctor or PA who is more individualistic.
    I don't think it means at all she is looking for a 9 to 5 cookie cutter man just because she is uncomfortable with his chosen career. I preferred to date creative men and I married one. I am creative in writing but not in art but I've always surrounded myself and worked with artists for many years.

    I wouldn't assume she is seeking to fit a certain stereotype unless she responds that she is blindly following her family's opinions and that they ascribe to those stereotypes. Then I would ask her to question whether this is about pleasing her family or her personal values. If the latter she certainly can be a huge fan of the arts, very into creative people AND not choose to marry this tattoo artist because she does not respect or admire this tattoo artist's chosen job, why he chose it, how/when he works, etc. Just like creative people are often very individualistic I would shy away from making broad generalizations about why she feels this way about this particular artist and when it comes to marriage/long term relationship. I'd make no other assumptions, just like we shouldn't make assumptions about all tattoo artists. No I would not date a tattoo artist for a variety of reasons and that is a general statement just like people choose not to date people of certain religions - but if I met someone who did this for a living I would get to know the person as an individual - separate decision from who I choose to marry/get involved with (hypothetically). Just like I have friends who didn't attend college and I only dated men who at least had a college degree.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    I don't think it means at all she is looking for a 9 to 5 cookie cutter man just because she is uncomfortable with his chosen career. I preferred to date creative men and I married one. I am creative in writing but not in art but I've always surrounded myself and worked with artists for many years.

    I wouldn't assume she is seeking to fit a certain stereotype unless she responds that she is blindly following her family's opinions and that they ascribe to those stereotypes. Then I would ask her to question whether this is about pleasing her family or her personal values. If the latter she certainly can be a huge fan of the arts, very into creative people AND not choose to marry this tattoo artist because she does not respect or admire this tattoo artist's chosen job, why he chose it, how/when he works, etc. Just like creative people are often very individualistic I would shy away from making broad generalizations about why she feels this way about this particular artist and when it comes to marriage/long term relationship. I'd make no other assumptions, just like we shouldn't make assumptions about all tattoo artists. No I would not date a tattoo artist for a variety of reasons and that is a general statement just like people choose not to date people of certain religions - but if I met someone who did this for a living I would get to know the person as an individual - separate decision from who I choose to marry/get involved with (hypothetically). Just like I have friends who didn't attend college and I only dated men who at least had a college degree.
    From the original post:
    "All my cohorts are dating men with normal jobs and none of them have neck tattoos."

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