Torn

This is really tearing at me. I've been dating someone for the past 15 months (met online). She's a nice person, and we've become very good friends during this time. She was there for me when my father passed away last summer, and I've been supportive of her when her job gets stressful (all the time). We have some things in common (ethnicity, religion, outdoor activities). I find her attractive and can honestly say that I've enjoyed the time I've spent with her, and like her a lot, but cannot honestly say that I'm in love with her, at least not like I have with certain other women in the past.

[i've started to look into people I've known who ended up "marrying their best friend," and seeing how things turned out.]

During our time together, she's the one who always wants to hold hands and snuggle. I enjoy her company, but she's obviously the one who's more into the relationship than I am. I think I first realized this after we'd been together for 6 months, but thought I'd see if things improved. I've shared a lot of things in my life with her and vice versa. Next month, we're planning to travel to her home country (she was born and raised in Asia, came to USA in her late 20s).

Our ages are a bit of an issue - she's 41 and I'm 53. I know she wants a family, and with respect to this, we've both gotten involved with one another very late in the game. At this point, I really don't want to keep leading her on if this relationship isn't going on to marriage.

Just the other day, I turned back on my Eharmony account to receive matches, and immediately got several. Two of them immediately sent me messages and wanted to start communicating. I'm not going to do that, at least right now, but was very tempted to do so; one person in particular seemed to match up very well with me. [this bothered me to the point that I turned the account back off from receiving matches]

I guess I'd just like everyone's opinion on whether I should end this soon - I read threads here about situations like mine and it looks like there's no easy way out. I really feel like a piece of s--t for feeling this way, but this is as honest as I can be.

If you're re-activating your eharmony account, I'd say your heart is no longer in this relationship. Better to end it now instead of stringing her along. Going on vacation with her is not a good idea at this point.

 

I find her attractive and can honestly say that I've enjoyed the time I've spent with her, and like her a lot, but cannot honestly say that I'm in love with her, at least not like I have with certain other women in the past.

 

Hello JWeber and welcome to the forum.

Before I comment, I am curious about some things, so hope you will answer my questions.

With respect to these other women you had stronger feelings for and knew with certainty you were in love with, can you describe those women and your relationships with them?

Were they committed relationships? Was everything smooth sailing with you both developing feelings at the same speed and wanting the same thing like a committed relationship?

How long did they last and why did they end? Given your strong feelings for them.

Or were they off/on, riddled with "issues" with them not being ready, available or creating distance and thus remaining a challenge to you?

You are 53 have you ever been married?

There is a reason I am asking these questions, and if you're inclined to answer, would be interested in your response and will comment further.

Thanks!

Hello JWeber and welcome to the forum.

 

Before I comment, I am curious about some things, so hope you will answer my questions.

 

With respect to these other women you had stronger feelings for and knew with certainty you were in love with, can you describe those women and your relationships with them?

 

Were they committed relationships? Was everything smooth sailing with you both developing feelings at the same speed and wanting the same thing like a committed relationship?

 

How long did they last and why did they end? Given your strong feelings for them.

 

Or were they off/on, riddled with "issues" with them not being ready, available or creating distance and thus remaining a challenge to you?

 

You are 53 have you ever been married?

 

There is a reason I am asking these questions, and if you're inclined to answer, would be interested in your response and will comment further.

 

Thanks!

Hi Katrina:

Thanks for the welcome :)

As for the other women, two stand out most prominently. The first one was way back during the college years - we got to know one another through the same church, and knew one another as friends for several years during school and then for a few years afterwards. Over time, I became very attracted to her in all ways. Yet she was never really much into me - we had a few dates before she said that she didn't see any future. We remained friends, but in the aftermath, I privately grieved intensely. I haven't seen her since the 1990s, but know through social media that she is doing well.

The second one I met while speed dating ten years ago - we hit it off well, seemed to have enough in common (ethnicity, career, religion, interests), and for the most part did fine (no serious disagreements) until she called me eight months later and told me that I was still a good friend, but it was over. I had really become attracted to her, was anticipating proposing in the future, and really felt blindsided by the sudden end. I never got an exact reason for the dumping, and haven't seen her since.

The thing about these two relationships was that at their peak, I had the feeling of wanting to be around them all the time, intensely looked forward to my times with them, and wanting to do everything I could to move the relationships forward. I do have some of the feelings for my present girlfriend, but simply not to the extent that I did for the two described above.

Yes, I'm 53 and have not been married. This and my relative lack of significant relationships may seem absolutely incredulous to some, but for a while I focused on getting my career up to speed, and since then have been rather cautious about who I date. I've had a lot of brief dating relationships with women over the years, but am admittedly VERY careful about who I get involved with, and if I am not feeling at least some attraction to the person after a few weeks, or see some serious red flags that things won't work, I will usually end things or simply not call them again. I've seen too many friends marry and divorce, with terrible aftermaths, and want no part of that.

I hope that clarifies things; feel free to ask more.

First off, thank you for answering my questions!

So what I am sensing about these other women is that (1) neither pushed or even expressed a desire to be in a committed relationship with you, and (2) they both ultimately dumped you.

But here, with your current, we have a woman who is clearly very much in love with you and wants, perhaps is even pushing for, a commitment. Would that be a fair assessment?

If you agree and given that at 53 you’ve never been married or had a committed relationship (from what you've written), do you think it’s possible that you may have some fears surrounding commitment in general?

And the fact that your current girlfriend clearly wants to be committed (marriage) and is voicing that is causing you to lose some of your attraction to her?

The others were "safe" as they did not. So you were emotionally free to love them with all your being.

Not judging if that’s the case, but if true, yes I think you need to end your relationship with her. In fact, given how you feel, even it not true you need to end it.

She deserves a man who loves her with all his heart and wants to be committed to her, don’t you think?

As for you, if any of this rings true for you (it may not), it may be worth your while to explore further, within yourself and with the help of a qualified therapist if commitment is something you actually want ultimately. Not with your current, that's over, but with someone else you meet down the road.

Commitment fears are tough to navigate (and often times even to acknowledge within oneself) so I wish you the best of luck moving forward.

This person is not for you. The way that you describe her doesn't feel good and checking your dating profile again or feeling tempted is not a good sign. I think you're trying to convince yourself that she's a logical option because she looks good on paper but you know in your heart that both of you are missing a type of chemistry that you're seeking in a relationship. Be kind to her and yourself and move on. At your age you're probably wondering about whether you'll find someone. You will - if you are openminded, genuine and willing to be real and honest with the people you meet and, most of all, real and honest with yourself.

I agree with Katrina that you might want to ask yourself whether you're resisting commitment because of deep fears you have regarding marriage in particular. You appear terrified of the possibility of failure and have anxiety over failing in a relationship or marriage. Marriage isn't for everyone and sometimes we think it's not for us (I went through most of my life believing it wasn't for me and now I'm married) or sometimes we think is for us but later come out the other end, realizing we are happier outside of it.

It seems your friends and their terrible aftermaths in the dissolution of marriage(divorce) have created a lot of anxiety for you and you haven't seen any positive examples of individuals who have divorced and regained deeper understanding of themselves and found greater happiness because of it. I'm referring to the bottom of your post #4. Regardless of what your personal or spiritual views on marriage and divorce are, I'd challenge you to revisit the idea of failure and difficulties both within marriage and even beyond marriage if it comes to it. Don't be afraid to fail or meet those challenges with someone special eventually.

If you are looking on eHarmony and reading matches and even thinking about contacting any of these women, then your girlfriend is not the one for you. You really ought to end it and not waste her time or yours when you are just not into it.

Just because you haven't had very long relationships at 53 or been married doesn't mean you should just settle for someone you don't love. You have said right out on your post, you do not love her. You are looking at e-harmony, very sure sign that you're starting to check out of the relationship! You never felt that "spark", the butterflies. You probably only like her as a friend. This woman wants marriage and family so to let her marry someone who is not into her and looking at e-harmony is really unfair, don't you think? She doesn't have much time left but she could still find a man that loves her. She could use IVF or adopt even. Why force yourself to be with someone you've known for a year is not "the one"?

Thank you for the responses everyone. I think I know what I have to do.

Learning that a relationship doesn't work for us doesn't make anyone a villain. Unfortunately, we all need to adopt a villain role in order to get out. There are no judges or juries in our love lives. Nobody else is living our love life FOR us, so nobody else gets a vote. We don't 'owe' anyone to stay in a relationship that we want out of.

Lean into the idea that you'll have to play the 'bad guy' in order to liberate yourself, but you will thank yourself later.

Head high.