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A little update just for the sake of it…

 

She texted again at the end of October to check if I was going to a sports event. I replied that I wasn’t planning to. This is a regular event that we both went to for the past 7 years and me even longer. Never missed. She got upset and asked why and then asked if she was a stranger to me. I didn’t respond to that one and let it be.

 

Another month and another text… would I be at my place over this weekend? I usually go out of the city for weekends, so I said no. Another stuff she would like to collect, apparently. I checked and confirmed to her that what she wanted wasn’t there.

 

Then a bit of breadcrumbing with “how are you”, “why don’t you call sometimes”… I didn’t really respond.

 

Then it came. She blamed me of cutting her out of my life and so on. I just replied that we have talked about this and agreed on that we are not friends. She asked if it means that we will never see each other and I replied that I will always be happy to see her.

 

She then said “I’m really sorry about all this, not a day goes by when I don’t remember you and miss you. But I’ll leave you alone for some time again…”

 

I replied that I was sorry too bu some things are just hard for me to turn off. To which she responded that I should then understand that she also cannot just cut me off. I said no I didn’t really understand, given the situation.

 

I didn’t want to leave on a bad note so wished her well and asked what the matter was when the last time I saw her she seemed happy. She said that was a long time ago and many things have changed since then. She also mentioned her health problems for the last few months and I wished her to get well soon.

 

I keep the convo short and usually end it before it gets anywhere. I really do want to talk to her but at the same time I know it would do me no good. She keeps coming back with more texts…

 

I am guessing that her new RS is not going the way she planned and I genuinely believe her when she says she is missing me. That does not mean she would like to get back together, though… or at least she did not say anything that would imply that. And I don’t really want anything else.

 

I still want her back but all the pain from the breakup is under control. I still feel it but I can beat it with other positives in my life. The last few months I set myself on a course of success and I do exactly that - succeed. I concentrate mostly on work and the results are now coming in. Other people notice and I have been offered a place in the C-level management in the company. This of course feeds my ego and proves the fact that if I want to succeed, I will.

 

Not sure if the same applies to human relationships but this one I cannot really control so I leave it be and develop as it will. Not hoping or waiting for anything really, but if it happens, I will let myself be pleasantly surprised.

 

To any of you going through the turmoil of a break up - don’t ever give up! Concentrate on what you’re good at and improve it. There will be success if you are persistent and this will fuel you on your way forward. There will be bad moments, of course, memories, dreams, loneliness… but it will become a bit more manageable. I now feel much stronger to deal with whatever my EX throws at me - good or bad.

 

sounds like she wants what she cannot have, and you know once she has you she will let it go again.

 

I think you should continue your relationship meditation and see her! take it slow and if you feel the storm coming, no contact once again. I wish I had your problem.

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Good for you OP. She's just feeling sorry for herself. I imagine her new relationship is over or about to be. Pay no heed. Continue on your path of self-improvement.

 

She's a big girl and she made her choices so let her sit with them. The guilt tripping is standard with a 'grass is greener' type female. They struggle to take responsibility so throw rubbish at other people regarding choices they make. Ignore it.

 

Sounds like things are going well for you. Congrats on the promotion!

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sounds like she wants what she cannot have, and you know once she has you she will let it go again.

 

I think you should continue your relationship meditation and see her! take it slow and if you feel the storm coming, no contact once again. I wish I had your problem.

 

The way I am reading it is she doesn't really want the partnership back. What she's missing is the connection that we have between us. I believe she's just waiting for me to move on to finally be friends with me. First, she didn't expect it would take this long for me to move on. Second, she didn't expect I'd cut all comms during the time. Third, she's suffering her own pains as well and is hoping I can help ease them.

 

I can't give in to this, as tempting as she sounds. Nothing other than "I want to get back together", nothing. This one is still going to hurt.

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My ex used to contact me every time he and the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for fought.

 

At first I told my friends "I want to be the one he turns to when things go bad!!!111" Except, as soon as they made up he ignored me. Until the next fight.

 

I'm a slow learner (apparently), but after a couple YEARS of this I figured it out. He told me things like "No one understands me the way you do!!" Except, he only said them when he wanted comfort or attention. If he didn't want anything from me he disappeared. The things he said were to benefit HIM, they weren't profound truths.

 

Please keep this in mind. Does she even care that her contact causes you pain?

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My ex used to contact me every time he and the woman he cheated on me with and dumped me for fought.

 

At first I told my friends "I want to be the one he turns to when things go bad!!!111" Except, as soon as they made up he ignored me. Until the next fight.

 

I'm a slow learner (apparently), but after a couple YEARS of this I figured it out. He told me things like "No one understands me the way you do!!" Except, he only said them when he wanted comfort or attention. If he didn't want anything from me he disappeared. The things he said were to benefit HIM, they weren't profound truths.

 

Please keep this in mind. Does she even care that her contact causes you pain?

 

Not sure if she knows she's causing pain. I never told her anything about her would cause me pain. I don't want her to feel guilty and at the same time I don't want to display any of my weakness to her. When we meet I try to be neutral so I don't show any emotion where possible.

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Not sure if she knows she's causing pain. I never told her anything about her would cause me pain. I don't want her to feel guilty and at the same time I don't want to display any of my weakness to her. When we meet I try to be neutral so I don't show any emotion where possible.

 

I hated that - being neutral. It felt so phony to me like I'm just wasting my own time. Eventually I got so tired of it that I couldn't exist in that mental state with her anymore, so now I'm on week three of no contact.

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I hated that - being neutral. It felt so phony to me like I'm just wasting my own time. Eventually I got so tired of it that I couldn't exist in that mental state with her anymore, so now I'm on week three of no contact.

 

We actually don't meet very often. I only saw her 3 times since the breakup 5 months ago.

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A little update… After the initial “I remember and miss you every day” stuff there came some pull back. I am guessing my EX and her BF/rebound/FWB/whatever are on talking terms again. At least it feels like it.

 

We just had a simple conversation over texts, during which I didn’t really say much, but it was probably enough for her to sense that I’m not entirely gone and that I am still willing to talk. That was all it took for her to leave my world again. Or at least that’s how I read it.

 

Anyway, she texted me again today after a few days of silence. Apparently her mum’s been taken to hospital, it looks serious. I told her to be strong and offered help with anything if it was needed. She then called me earlier tonight just to vent… apparently she has no-one else to call. I just listened and didn’t say much… Then we ended the call. I know it is hard for her. But W T F?? (This is a rhetorical question...)

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You’re the one who wanted this though despite the advice given.

 

Still, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

 

She hasn’t completely gone yet though...Patience young padawan*

 

She IS weaning off though as exs do and you’re helping her do that...

 

Personally though I wouldn’t be sticking around while my ex dates someone else. Even if that goes South there’s no guarantee she’ll come back to you...

 

So long as you’re pushing on with your own life*

 

Carus*

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Yes, personally I can't understand why you are making yourself so available to her.

 

This is how it will proceed:

 

Eveytime things are going bad with her new bf she will contact you. She will be all sunny and light and nice towards you. This will and clearly is giving her room in your head space as you are on here posting about it. This treatment will also apply if she needs something from you eg when she said she has no one to talk to you offered your services all too readily as her emotional tampon.

 

Of course she has someone to talk to, her new boyfriend. If he is lacking and unable to support in that area that is not your problem but hers and its inappropriate she contacts you about it IMO.

 

When things are going well with her new bf you won't hear a peep from her. If you try and initiate contact with her you will get no response or a very short and curt one at best.

 

This behavior leaves you where you are now. Confused and stuck. You are allowing this behaviour so I am wondering what it is you are confused about?

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She wants to be friends. Very common to relegate you to the friendzone after a breakup. Right now she has you in the male-girlfriend zone. Stop texting. Let her talk to a therapist, her new bf or other friends if she wants "to vent". If you don't respond, that's where she will go to vent instead of jerking you around.

she texted me again today after a few days of silence. She then called me earlier tonight just to vent… apparently she has no-one else to call.
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You’re the one who wanted this though despite the advice given.

 

Still, it’s a marathon not a sprint.

 

She hasn’t completely gone yet though...Patience young padawan*

 

She IS weaning off though as exs do and you’re helping her do that...

 

Personally though I wouldn’t be sticking around while my ex dates someone else. Even if that goes South there’s no guarantee she’ll come back to you...

 

So long as you’re pushing on with your own life*

 

Carus*

 

Exactly!

She's weaning herself off of you - my ex did that to me too.

We're now officially in no contact. It's been around 6 - 7 weeks. He's definitely integrated with his new beau.

 

Listen to the folks on here - you have to look forward. You've got no choice.

I've been listening to 'the mindset of no contact' by Dating Guy on youtube. It's pretty great stuff. Listen to something on loop that's motivational and speaks to your heart - but seek out things that help you move on and not keep you stuck.

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  • 1 month later...

Just a little update - there is actually quite a lot that happened in the last month but I have to somehow wrap it up in some concise piece of text.

 

Long story short for now - after some slow text exchanges we met at the end of December, talked and spent a day together, then another day at the end of the year. She then came over to my parent's place just after NY and spent the night there.

I didn't initiate any text convos nor pushed her for anything.

We talked some more but never really talked about the old relationship. Rather, we discussed the future. Slowly, at this point, she doesn't really know where I stand with my personal life and I am in no rush to spit it all out yet.

I wouldn't classify this as her "being back" just yet (partly because there really is no "back"). But she spent the last three days and nights at my place and it feels good at both ends.

 

I do realize that she may have come to me for all the wrong reasons and though life has taught her some very hard lessons in the past 6 months, she may not have done all the work needed to make us a successful relationship. I feel I have done some of this on my part and there is more yet to do there. We'll see if she's willing/able to do what it takes.

I expect the hard work starts just about now. Over the last couple of days we talked about her moving together with me. If she does, it might be around March time.

 

There is lots of other detail and extra context so careful about quick judgements please. My heart's on a leash right now and while I still do want to be with her, I know there is a price yet to be paid and (lots of) work to be done.

 

I will post the details for anyone interested once I get a minute of peace from work. The start of the year is crazy.

All the best to you all

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  • 1 year later...

I hate threads that start with a lot of info and then suddenly cut off with no conclusion.

So, an update for any potential readers of this thread:

Her mum died a few months later. We were in semi-regular contact throughout that time. It took us over a year but we eventually did get back together. There were no terms or time goals or promises or any deeper discussions on this subject actually. It just worked out that way. Been together over a year now and are happy. She's grown a lot mentally and, as unbelievable as it sounds to me, I have changed somewhat. (There I was thinking men don't change.)

Not sure details are of any relevance but I will be happy to share with anyone interested.

Thanks to everyone on this forum for their great help and advice. Hope I'll be able to pay it forward. 🙂

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