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Thread: Don't want to move on

  1. #1
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    Don't want to move on

    New to this forum but have actually read quite a lot on the ex back and NC topics.

    Long story very short... 6-year relationship, she's 19 years younger... call me a cradle-snatcher, but we really understood each other for most of those 6 years. Lived together for 2 years. I should have seen it coming as all the signs were there and she actually tried to tell me many times - only I didnít (want to) hear it :-(. She moved away in March this year but we saw each other every couple of days and sheíd spend at least one night of each week. 8 weeks ago she just called it quits. Was a very cold shower and total surprise.

    I was upset at first and didnít talk to her for two days, then we texted some there and back. But she was suddenly a different person - cold, non-understanding, not willing to talk about anything. All the usual stuff that you read about that a dumper does after the fact. I called her once but all I got was a brick wall. Sent a long email asking for some explanation and if we could work it out. Not sure she even read it.

    As I suspected, there is also a guy at play that she has been seeing / flirting with (maybe) since April. Not sure I would call this a rebound but I believe at some point in June, she would be torn between the two of us - more inclining to the new guy (for all the obvious reasons).

    She did keep in irregular contact a few times a week after that - saying she wants to stay friends as she cares too much for me and I mean a lot in her life. Kept telling her I am not her friend because simply I feel more than that.

    I went and read tons of stuff (never really been dumped in my life, haha). Went NC 4 weeks ago. Immediately started doing stuff - Iím not short of hobbies - do lots of sports but added a gym and personal trainer to occupy the mind and tire the body. Been playing the piano and guitar a lot lately (after many many years), been playing computer games in the evenings, reading advice on this forum and elsewhere.

    She contacted me after 2 weeks, asking to see me, which I (a bit reluctantly) agreed to, I said I would bring her magazines that were delivered for her to our place. I was never mean to her, only a bit cold Iíd say. We met at Starbucks and I was trying to be upbeat and not display any sense of urgency, pleading or anything. Tried to look real busy at work (which I actually am now). She didnít say why she wanted to meet - maybe she didnít feel the situation was good or maybe she just wanted to meet as buddies over coffee, donít knowÖ

    She acted a bit annoyed, especially later when she asked if I was going to come to our sports trainings and events and I said I didnít plan to. She also seemed a bit pressed for time towards the end, though she said she had plenty. I am sure she went to see the other guy right after that and maybe didnít want to keep him waiting. We parted ways with a hug. I wanted to kiss her like I used to but she just wanted a friendly kiss, which I said no to. So we just hugged a bit more and she left. I texted her later saying it was good to see her and she should stay in touch if she wants to. She texted back that obviously I canít have contact with her now so itís me who needs to stay in touch. I said maybe she could come over one night to watch our favourite TV show. She said sheíd like that. I left it at that and went back to NC.

    She texted again a week later (yesterday actually), calling me my sweetheart name and saying that a new series of our favourite show would be screening next Monday. I replied (nicely) that I would definitely watch! And she said - ďyou definitely shouldĒ.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am sorry and I can hear the disappointment in your words. It's probably best you don't speak to her at all. As you have experienced, you read between the lines and try to read the tea leaves looking for a hidden meaning in the words she chose.
    Trust that she knows where to find if she changes her mind.
    In the meantime, no contact, work on moving forward.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    The guy at play that you think she has been flirting with/seeing since April... sorry to say, she was seeing him (or someone else) before she left you. That's what she was trying to tell you. Now it isn't working out like the fantasy that she hoped for, and she wants back.

    You need to go NC and move along...

    Keep up the good work with your re-found interests and hobbies!

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    This is where Iím at now.

    I read much stuff on this forum and I know a lot of people will say - just forget her, move on, not worth it, heal yourself and donít care about herÖ But thatís just not me. Iím too old to give up on stuff (never did so why start now?). I know I canít simply just move on like this was some quick fling at college and the whole lifeís before me. My feelings are very deep over the years and I donít give or throw them away quickly or easily. Also, I know the power of time and wield incredible patience. At the beginning of our relationship, I waited for this girl almost a year. To me, time spent leading to success is well spent.

    I also believe she still has strong feelings for me - she just doesnít believe (at the moment) that there is future in the relationship. I canít blame her as I did not treat her well at times. I have other issues left over from my previous relationship - previous ex with her daughter (not mine), old house where they live, I lost a job a few years back and it took me over a year to climb back from the hole. She stood by me through all this and I know it took a lot of her energy. We almost broke up a few times, once there was another guy involved that she liked. She never cheated (I believe) but she certainly had a bit of GIGS. Canít blame her, I was her first real relationship - her first lasted for about a year.

    I am not necessarily looking for advice or trying to go all boohoo she left me, what do I do now??

    I am trying to sum up here what happened, what my intention is and the course of action that I am going to take. I will definitely appreciate any feedback and advice if you have itÖ because of course I do feel hurt and being without her is tearing me apart. But I have to man up, suck it up and am decided to fight for it when/if the chance comes.

    Thank you all for being around here.

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  6. #5
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    reinventmyself, Camber

    Gee, you guys are quick :-) thanks much for your support!

    I felt I kind of left her hanging at a moment when she was trying to tell me something by texting me about the favourite show of ours. Was planning on texting her on Monday if she would like to join to watch it... but am not decided yet...

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Why did the relationship end? 19 years is a large gap. The reason why I'm commenting on the reasons for the break down and the age gap is to understand how appropriate or realistic your ideas are of reconciliation. At this point it's about managing your expectations and realizing that the relationship is over. Try and be more realistic about that and where you are headed now in terms of your life and what you're looking for in your life.

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Why did the relationship end? 19 years is a large gap. The reason why I'm commenting on the reasons for the break down and the age gap is to understand how appropriate or realistic your ideas are of reconciliation. At this point it's about managing your expectations and realizing that the relationship is over. Try and be more realistic about that and where you are headed now in terms of your life and what you're looking for in your life.
    There were many reasons - obviously the relationship went to certain stereotypes, which it normally does but it is probably not what a younger girl would expect to happen. As I said, I spent time around the former ex and the old house (which she respected but didn't like very much), and my climbing back after the careeer hit also took a lot of my time and energy. I just didn't find enough time for her... I tried to compensate for this at times but I guess it wasn't enough as it would have appeared as one-offs. Our sex life took its toll also because of all this.

  9. #8
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by HeartAce
    There were many reasons - obviously the relationship went to certain stereotypes, which it normally does but it is probably not what a younger girl would expect to happen. As I said, I spent time around the former ex and the old house (which she respected but didn't like very much), and my climbing back after the careeer hit also took a lot of my time and energy. I just didn't find enough time for her... I tried to compensate this at times but I guess it wasn't enough as it would have appeared as one-offs. Our sex life took its toll also because of all this.
    You sound like I did when my ex left me. Same "excuses" from her. Not to sound blunt, but those are things people say when they are trying to get out of a relationship because of another interest.

    After I made a fool of myself believing it was my fault, I eventually found out about the numerous men she had been involved with while still living in our home, with our 3 year old...

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Camber 2019
    You sound like I did when my ex left me. Same "excuses" from her. Not to sound blunt, but those are things people say when they are trying to get out of a relationship because of another interest.

    After I made a fool of myself believing it was my fault, I eventually found out about the numerous men she had been involved with while still living in our home, with our 3 year old...
    Yes, I have no doubt she ended our relationship because of somebody else. I'm not the jealous type as I know the feeling when there's someone new, beautiful and wonderful around. So in a way (a very twisted way you might say), this might be what she needs to realize that our situation was not all that bad and the new guy is not all that good - and I needed this "wake-up call" to realize I should care more and not take things for granted - which I admittedly do.

  11. #10
    Silver Member Camber 2019's Avatar
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    HeartAce... don't go there, she will only do it again. Over, and over. If not to you, to someone else for sure.

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