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Thread: Don't want to move on

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'm sorry - it appears we posted around the same time earlier. I see your post #4. Let's try and understand this clearly: you're a man with an ex-wife and stepchild (child from previous relationship's previous relationship), your most recent ex is 19 years younger, you're a man strong in your convictions and weathered through the test of time and it appears your most previous, 19 years younger, ex is not interested in you but has recently met up with you in Starbucks while seeing another man. Is this correct?

    If so, I don't think this is so much a matter of you being called into question regarding the strength of your emotions or convictions for someone and your love for someone as much as it has to do with levels of compatibility and maturity. You're just not on the same page as this younger person but for some reason you're trying to be. Why settle for so little in terms of long term happiness?

    All of us have felt feelings of failure and have had to grapple with difficult issues regarding the end of often very serious relationships. It calls into question our self-worth and what we consider ourselves in the face of dark and deep pain and what it means to also possibly cause that pain in other peoples' lives. I think you're worrying too much about what other people think of you (low self-esteem) and are clinging to your previous relationship because it's a standard and measure of worth that you know best how to understand and associate with yourself. When the relationship ended with your younger ex, it recalled the same pain as the dissolution of your marriage. This doesn't negate any self-worth on your part though. I hope you recognize that and eventually learn to bring yourself back to some equilibrium, come back into the light. Learn to accept this relationship is finished and over and be at peace moving forwards.

  2. #12
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    Breakups suck, but when they happen you have to cover the exposed areas of your self in order to be able to move forward. That means focusing on you and now, rediscovering yourself and leaving the past where it lies. You have said you're not interested in keeping things on a platonic level, so you have to do what's best for you. It's not about caring or not caring about her or the relationship, it's about caring about yourself at this point. As you said, you do just have to "man up" as they say and move forward with your life. Every experience has value, but most of them aren't meant to last a lifetime. You take from each, you learn, you grow and you go forward.

  3. #13
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    I get what you guys are saying and appreciate the advice, which I'm sure is meant well.

    At this point, though, I absolutely refuse to move on from this. It's why the thread title is what it is. And I also said this in my original post. Don't get me wrong, it's not some childish negativity on my part - it's not a favourite toy taken away from me that I want back. At some level, I just feel that the relationship is not depleted. And it can of course be just me and she feels it differently - but so far the signs say otherwise. And I'm not all that bad at reading between the lines - though I admit my mind's still a bit clouded now.

    Do I NEED her back to survive? No. I have always survived (in much more difficult situations) and will survive this if I want to.
    Do I WANT her back? YES. So for me, this is a choice that I am making - maybe to my own damage... that's to be seen.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Well, that's ok too. There's also a journal section somewhere on the forum to track progress and day to day ongoings especially while going through pain, turmoil and/or break up. It's a useful way to look back and see your trajectory if you're into blogging or writing, for instance. I'm sure the members will chime in if you ever have any questions or need a sounding board. Is there anything else that's bothering you?

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  6. #15
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    Thanks, I didn't know about the Journal section.

    I will still post here about the progress if it's ok as I'm sure I'll welcome help on the way.

    Right now, I am still undecided if I should invite her over after such a short time... or is it too soon? I can hold NC for as long as needed but don't want to overdo NC just for the sake of NC.

    Thanks again for all your support, you're all great!

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I think you're playing too many mind games. Be upfront with her and if she's not interested in being with you at all, she will tell you. Eventually either of you will tire of the other not being interested or not appearing interested enough in anything to sustain any healthy interaction (towards a relationship) and you'll both learn to respect each others' wishes.

  8. #17
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    Just to update a bit on my situation and its progress... some might find it useful, I'm just venting my feelings really...

    In the end I did invite my ex to watch our favourite TV show, which she gladly accepted. We cooked dinner together and then watched the show. I packed some leftovers for her to take to work with her, which she really liked. Then she left later that night. Everything was really ok - felt like good old friends spending an evening together. Exactly where I don't want this to end up. (She even joked about how she was already thinking of moving again - to her new BF I assume.) So after she left and we exchanged a couple of texts, I thanked her for coming over, said it was good to see her but I cannot just be friends with her. She replied she was sorry to hear that but accepts it. I then went to NC.

    She contacted me eactly after 30 days - the typcal "how are you". I replied that I was fine and hoped she was the same way. She then asked if I was avoiding her and I said no, she said that I was no longer going to our sport trainings. I did not respond to that anymore.

    Another 10 days of NC, she was breadcrumbing again - asking meaningless questions about her computer battery. I responded shortly but politely. She then said that if I wasn't going to trainings just to avoid her then I could start again as she wouldn't make them because of work anywas. I said ok thanks. Then she asked if I was ok. I didn't respond.

    An hour later she texted that she didn't deserve being ignored, that she did nothing wrong to me and that if I didn't want to speak to her I should just say so. Somehow, I was very calm about this all and I didn't feel any need to respond to any of her questions, accusations, breadcrumbs, anything. I still love her very much, I still want her back if she wants to return... But I don't feel any urge to ask her to do anything nor do I feel any need to explain myself anymore.

    I did respond, though, saying that I don't feel like I did anything wrong to her either. And that if we are to not be together, really end the relationship and move on, we just shouldn't be in contact as it would only complicate and prolong the process. And that it's not like I didn't like her or feel anything negative toward her. She responded with some more questions like "is it helping?" and I said "we'll see". I then left it at that.

    It is strange but NC really is working in the sense that most naysayers here will advertise. It does help to forget and move on. I still have the feelings and everything, only everything just feels more distant. Now I did say in the beginning that definitely do not want to move on. That still stands and I deliberately do all this purely just to retain my sanity. Very selfish in many ways but necessary at the same time.

    I still believe she might come back. And I still very much desire that she does. And I am going to keep working on that (and keep working on myself). Only I know that if it doesn't happen, I will not let myself panic or do stupid things.

    Here are some points that I found important during my journey so far:

    1. I accepted that things are as they are and there is one thing I can influence at the moment - myself.

    2. I worked on myself, both physically and mentally, exercised regularly, took on difficult projects at work. I have a long history of succeeding if I spend enough energy. So I succeeded. Lost almost 15% weight and feel very fit now. Projects at work are successful and both my boss and my team seem happier. Needless to say that all these results feed the ego and I feel satisfied with myself. As a side-effect, all that busy-ness takes thoughts away from the BU and my ex.

    3. At no point was I impolite or even rude to my ex. It was difficult at times as some of our conversations tended to slip toward the whose fault was what, but we ended those in time. In the first 2-3 weeks I did ask (not necessarily beg) her to reconsider and wrote her letters and sad texts but once I entered NC (or LC if you wish) I was always polite, responded in a friendly manner and never ventured outside the current topic. I don't want to ruin whatever is left between us - I never know what the future holds for the two of us. I do not say I didn't have my moments - there were times I cursed her name in my mind blaming her for all the VERY bad feelings I was going through, picturing her all happy in her new relationship, ignoring me for so long after all that used to be between us... but I would never ever say any of that loud to her or anybody else.

    4. Some days were very rough and I just couldn't concentrate on anything but her and what she'd said or how things used to be and all that made me even more sad realizing it was all gone and probably not ever coming back. Had 4 or 5 such bad patches in the last 2 months. I have two techniques to deal with this:
    a. One that learned here on this forum - I had 3 or 4 happy thoughts ready in my mind (successful projects at work and what else was coming, improvements I wanted to do on my car, etc.). Whenever I felt like my mind was slipping toward the bad thoughts, I just forced myself to think about the happy thoughts. I am actually good at shutting my mind from hurtful thoughts - sometimes it's better to go through the bad thoughts, sometimes the pain is just too bigh, so I can command my brain to think about something else.
    b. I read a story from a world traveller that whenever she was close to giving up because of tiredness, hunger, thirst, lack of sleep... she just thought about the present moment - not the future, not the past. Just to survive the present moment. I adopted the same - whenever I felt really bad, I just said to myself I only had to survive the next day, the next hour, the next minute... "you just have to survive this one moment, just get through now"... never let my mind wander off to think how long this would take. Just had to survive now.

    5. NEVER EVER under any circumstances did I think or ask her about her new relationship. For all I know there isn't any as this was never confirmed and I am only guessing through signs. Her relationship with somebody else is not my business while we're not officially together and I honestly don't want any information about it. Nor do I want to picture any details of it. For me, this doesn't exist and I don't care if it does. There is a movie that I like where the main character once say "every girl is with somebody before she's with you"... I tend to live by this.

    It took over three months to collect myself and be at peace WITH MYSELF. Am I completely over it? No, far from it I guess. Will she come back? If I had to guess at this point, I would say very unlikely. But I have most of my strength back and I have a goal. And as I said earlier, I have a history of succeeding...
    Last edited by HeartAce; 10-06-2019 at 09:27 PM.

  9. #18
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    Just a side note, a small observation on my ex's behaviour. When she ended things over 3 months ago, I knew she wasn't comfortable about it. I appreciate it must have been difficult for her. I am sure she had and still has strong feelings for me.

    At first she didn't want to talk to me for days, avoided any of my questions like the plague, never wanted to talk about us at that point. When we met at that time, she knew I wanted he back so much and cared for her. I saw it made her uncomfortable.

    A few weeks later, she seemed more relaxed about us, though the tension was still there. But we were able to talk and laugh together.

    Then she was ok with us not talking at all, didn't contact me for over a month and I don't know how she felt.

    Now it seems that she's upset about me not talking to her, she snaps at me over text that I don't come to trainings anymore (because of her)... not sure why she should care what I do or why, after all, she left my life and didn't want me in hers. Now that would not be exactly correct as she so much wanted to continue "being friends"... but I just wouldn't have it. Maybe all the irritation is just because she can't have it her way...

  10. #19
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    You've done the right thing and good on for you not giving into her childish attempts at foricing you to communicate by emotionally blackmailing you. You have requested space and NC and she kept trying to break it. Very disrespectful on her part.

    It's vital for your own healing that you continue on the path you are on. She wants to have her cake and eat it, by this i mean keep you and her new BF in her life. She chose this life with her new BF so now she needs to own it.

    From what i see you dong everything correctly, keep it up and within a month or 2 you will be so much better off. Well done to you.

    Personally i'd also let go of any hope of reconcilliation as well.

  11. #20
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    Thanks ninjabib. I don't really feel like I've done everything correctly - is there even such a thing is these situations? - but I appreciate the validation.

    The situation continued today when my ex texted more about that it makes her sad that we cannot be friends and we don't give a damn about one another at all. I responded that on the contrary, I do care a lot. At which she said that it doesn't look like it if I want her out of my life completely, and that obviously our relationship did not have any added value that I would like to keep. I said that the relationship had more value to me that she may think right now, but that relationship is no more. She still insisted that there are many forms of the relationship other than partnership. I just said that I still feel the same regardles of "form". She then said that she'd like to collect some stuff from my place, to which I agreed a bit reluctantly.

    She came over, no hug or kiss and I did not offer. Collected her stuff (that she probably didn't quite need), asked how I was and if I was going to come to our trainings and I responded friendly but briefly. Doing fine and no. Before she left, she asked "when are we going to see each other again", to which I responded "probably never" and laughing about it... I was starting recall all those feelings and of course my mood was going sour. As she had one foot out of the door, she uttered that she wanted to let me know she was with someone and thought it fair to tell me before I learn from elsewhere. I didn't move an eyelid as first, I still believe she had a thing going on for a number of months before we broke up - maybe not physically but there was definitely something, I could read that much in her - and second, I kind of felt she expected a reaction. I wasn't going to give it to her.

    It saddens me, of course, as we're far more detached than I originally thought. The new relationship does not bother me that much as at her age, they come and go and honestly, it's extremely hard to live with her, requires an incredible amount of patience... and today's guys are all but patient. But I'm somewhat confused by all her anger (almost) about us not talking and yet all she really wanted to tell me is that she has somebody else. Now I'm as pragmatic as they come and I do get what she says about "the partnership is gone but that doesn't mean we're not very good friends anymore. Somehow, she has it in her mind that partnership is just an upgrade to regular friendship and one can switch and downgrade at a snap of their fingers. Or so it seems. I know I would be able to do this if I didn't love her anymore. But I can't while I still do which she doesn't seem to understand and gets upset at me for not wanting it.

    At this point, I will probably miss the trainings more than anything. I have dedicated more than 10 years to this sport and now I just feel I can't go there. If I do and she is there I would have to practice with her (it would be considered extremely rude to refuse, under the code) and I know it would only have more negative impact on my mental state. If she is not there, everything would just keep reminding of her and I would just miss her more. The trainings are where we met and they formed a significant part of our life together. If I don't go there she will feel bad as she believes I don't go because I'm avoiding her and she gets upset. It's very difficult to convince her that it's not about her. It is difficult to even convince myself. Because it is about her and it isn't at the same time. A deadlock situation for me. It will not take long for all my friends there to take notice I've vanished. I am expecting them to contact me any day now to ask why I don't show up.

    Sorry for the long vent... just had to get it all out. Will feel better I'm sure.
    Thanks for all your patience and for being here.

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