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Thread: Huge fight with my best friend after a set up

  1. #1
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    Huge fight with my best friend after a set up

    So to give the backstory my best friend (weíll call her Dana) and I have been friends since middle school and we are currently in our early 30ís. She has been in a relationship for the past ten years and in a month will be married. I have been chronically single for awhile. I am a pretty quiet and reserved person and she is very outgoing so we are complete opposites. Her fiancť does MMA and they attempted to set me up with a guy they go to the gym with.

    So Friday night was the date and we were doing dinner and seeing their friend from the gym fight in an MMA competition. Not really my thing at all but Dana wanted me to go because she said itís fun and we will be in a group. Dana has a tendency to give my advice when I donít want it and tell me what she thinks I should do. I always feel judged by her when I open up to her about dates. So I thought this would be a bad idea but went anyway to make her happy. And another mutual friend told me that I should just go because Dana will pissed if I donít. On the date I was pretty quiet (and also honestly very bored at the fight). I could have tried more to talk to him but I just felt uncomfortable and worried about her expectations. So I kinda shut down and didnít try as hard as I could have. At one point Dana told me and my date that we should go for a walk together but I said no thatís ok. She made several other comments that I was being too quiet.

    After the night we didnít say anything about the date until I called her a couple days ago and she ended up yelling at me for my behavior. She said I was too quiet and cold and she was pissed at me for not trying. I said I was uncomfortable and that Iím always quiet thatís my personality. Dana said ďand how has being quiet your whole life worked out for you. You need to take a long look at yourself in the mirror because you are miserable and will keep being miserable if you donít change.Ē I told Dana that I do not need to change, Iíve been quiet my whole life and thatís not why Iím single. She said at 31 I should know how to be outgoing and flirty. I said I like myself the way I am and I want a guy who will like me for me. Her response was ďI know you told me not to judge but you need to make changes if you want a man.Ē I said I would like a boyfriend but Iím happy with my life and donít need someone in it.

    Dana also said some other things that were hurtful. I had opened up to her about other things regarding past dates/relationships which she threw back in my face. During the date she had texted our other friend about how I acted and then called her after so she said the both of them donít like how I act. Dana also said she apologized to their gym friend for my behavior and that she shouldnít have talked me up to him about how great I was if I wasnít going to act that way.

    This is getting long so Iíll stop but Iím just flabbergasted at her blow up. She was yelling at me over the phone and just being so hurtful. I didnít even know how to react and just sat there. I eventually told her this conversation was over and hung up. She texted later to say she was sorry and she was just angry and said things she didnít mean. Dana and I are supposed to meet up later tonight to work things out but Iím still stung at this point. Iím the maid of honor in her wedding and at this point I donít even know if I can stand by her side on her big day if that is what she thinks of me.

    So I guess suggestions on how do I approach this with her?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Let it go and never accept blind dates again. Are you invited/in her wedding? Expect to be paired with yet someone else. Be polite but explain that no one has control over the outcome of things. Either the blind date goes well or it doesn't. Most don't.

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    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Wow.
    Surround yourself with people who respect you, compliment you, support you and you bring out the best in each other.
    Feedback is one thing, but being personally insulting is another.

    You started this story by sharing how you went into this without ever really wanting to do it. But you did it just so not to piss off Dana? Who made Dana the boss and keeper of your life? Why do you give her that kind of power?
    Why do you keep friends that you are afraid of and intimated by?

    Do you have other friends?
    I am not trying to be hard on you. I am just posing questions so you can ask yourself why you found yourself in this situation to begin with.

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I'd spend some time with Dana and ask her if she's going through any difficulties with the wedding. The dynamics are a little odd here. She seems to have assumed a big sister role but is not behaving very well in that role (inconsistent). I don't think things are as rosy in her life as it may appear. Check in with her and see if she needs help with anything.

    In future, you may want to limit the liberties your friends take in your dating life. You're a bit lax with your boundaries. Maintain your privacy when it comes to your personal/romantic relationships. I think Dana might also benefit from some clarification from you.

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    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    I think you need a new friend.

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    Dana a is a $itch. Time to lose her as a 'friend.'

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    Yes Iím in the wedding and Iím the maid of honor. My sister thinks I should drop out at this point but I was thinking of telling her Iím not giving a speech at the wedding.

    I do have other friends itís just that sheís my best friend (and my oldest friend Iíve known her for over half my life). Iíve been on blind dates before so Iím aware that they donít always work out but doesnít seem like sheís aware.

    To the person who said Iím lax with boundaries...agree 100%. I told her that when we talk we definitely need to discuss boundaries. (Of course her response is that she understands and does have boundaries so Iím not sure sheís understanding).

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    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It's ok. Things of that nature usually get mangled in the transmission and receiving. I'd let it be for now and remain positive about your meet up later tonight. Try to resist any big words through text or ominous topics. Your sister appears worried for you. It's what sisters do. Take it one step at a time, go easy and see how tonight goes. Try and keep things even knowing that she's a bit emotional over the matchmaking.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I can relate to your story. My best friend of 30 years is overbearing. I think when we were younger I was much more tolerant and as we get older our quirks tend to grow.

    She's now painfully overbearing and I am less tolerant. That translates into the two of us having outgrown each other.

    I still spend time with her, but it's in shorter spurts. I can no longer roll over to her demands and she has a difficult time with me speaking my mind.

    This friendship may just be running it's course. It happens.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by skittles88
    Yes Iím in the wedding and Iím the maid of honor. My sister thinks I should drop out at this point but I was thinking of telling her Iím not giving a speech at the wedding.

    I do have other friends itís just that sheís my best friend (and my oldest friend Iíve known her for over half my life). Iíve been on blind dates before so Iím aware that they donít always work out but doesnít seem like sheís aware.

    To the person who said Iím lax with boundaries...agree 100%. I told her that when we talk we definitely need to discuss boundaries. (Of course her response is that she understands and does have boundaries so Iím not sure sheís

    understanding).
    Do not let time invested steer your judgement. She does not respect you and was quite mean. She threw things in your face and embarrassed you. This is not a friend. Terrible she also shared with a mutual friend, and apologized to the guy.

    Her behavior was unacceptable.

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