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Thread: My husband cheated on me.

  1. #1

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    My husband cheated on me.

    Hi there,

    I'm all new here. English is not my native language, so please forgive any errors.

    I'm here because I need to share my story. Don't have friends, can't tell my sister or other relatives.

    I met my husband (we’re not married but I still call him „husband“) when we were around 20. We were together a few months, then separated. We met again a few months later and came back together again. Eventually we split. I’ve always thought of him, all those years when I was in other relationships. 11 years ago (25 after we split the last time) we met again. 6 months later I was pregnant. I never ever wanted kids and get married and all this stuff. I liked being independent. But, I didn’t even hesitate to accept this child. In 2009 I gave birth to our beautiful daughter who now is the love of my life!

    We were living together for 3 years, when his ex-wife died of a heart attack. She left their 2 children (then 7 and 11 yo). They moved in with us. So, I - who never wanted children - lived with 3 children of whom 2 weren’t mine in a too small apartment. I bought it for the 3 of us 1 month before his ex died.

    I was overwhelmed. The girl (then 7yo) can be very nice but has a very nasty side. She can be very impertinent. The boy (then 11 yo) was and is very sweet. I felt sorry for them. They had to live through the divorce and 2 years later the death of their mother. So, here they were. I never tried to be their surrogate mother. I was just me and hoped we would get along. I had a lot of troubles with the girl. I couldn’t connect with her. The boy resembled very much his father, but she was completely different. So, it wasn’t easy.

    My husband didn’t have a steady job. He mostly lived from the widow’s pension and child support. He and I, too, suffer from depression, which is treated. Most of the time we are ok, but there are days that are horrible. He worked as an insurance agent for about 12 years. During the divorce, he had a burnout and couldn’t work. So when his wife died he still received a pension from social insurance.

    I worked (and still do) 36 h a week in an office, did most of the chores at home, grocery’s shopping, cooking etc. I was always tired and totally overworked. I asked him to help, but he couldn’t and sometimes didn’t see the need, because he thought, that certain things don't have to be done urgently.

    I’m an introvert. I have problems with expressing my feelings. So I was frustrated and angry and tired of my life, not just him. We had less and less sex. I couldn’t. I hardened as soon as he touched me. I couldn’t bear being touched. It felt like someone was intruding my very private space. A space that was without work, children, demanding people.

    Months passed by and he started to work, made friends and he went out more and more. Until he went out every day. He came home at 1 or 2 sometimes 4 in the morning. We rarely saw each other. He is extrovert and likes meeting people. So, I let him. I was suffering but also glad, because I didn’t have to cope with him wanting sex. I still loved him. I always loved him. But I was so hardened and felt cold inside, that I couldn’t talk to him about all this. I knew he would look for warmth and sex somewhere else, but I didn’t want to know for sure. The girl (14 yo now) and I had fights several times a week. I caught his son smoking weed in his room, something I do not accept at all. My life was nerve wrenching. I hated it.

    Last year in September a letter addressed to him arrived. As I open all the mail I opened it and just saw the first few words, which were: I love you…. and the last: With love…. I was not so much shocked. When he came to bed in the middle of the night, I told him, that Christina wrote him a letter. He was up in a second and took the letter. He didn’t read it. He threw it away. Btw: I read the letter. Obviously, he left her and she was sad about it.

    Our older children have a slight weight problem. They like sweets too much. We noticed that someone raided the fridge and cupboards on a regular basis. All chocolate, ice cream, cookies, whatever sweets disappeared. They blamed each other. So we installed a camera and told them. Problem solved.

    Once I checked the feed (February this year). I didn’t think to find anything. Scrolling through I stopped somewhere. I overheard my husband talking on the phone. It was his tone of voice that called my attention. I rewound and heard him talk to a woman he wanted to meet on a Monday. He talked about falling in love and love at first sight. I was appalled and terrified first, then very very calm. I tried to figure out what to do, to say, how to handle the situation.

    I asked him to have dinner with me this Monday. I needed two glasses of wine before I could talk. I asked him to spend more time at home. Not just with me, but with his children, his family. I told him, that I loved him and knew I had starved him sexually. I explained how I felt: tired, alone, overwhelmed, not good enough, a failure. I talked and talked and talked. He was something between shocked and surprised. I never told him about the phone call I overheard. Didn’t need to.

    At the and I was so unbelievably relieved, I felt all my restrained love for him flowing through me. My heart opened, was warm and cosy. We went to bed and had beautiful sex. From this day on everything changed. He went out just 1 or 2 evenings and came home early. We had a fulfilling love, family and sex life. The whole family was blooming. I asked him twice (in a span of 3 months) if there was another woman in his life. He denied.

    He has a lot of hobbies: Smoking cigars, fly fishing, shooting, and he loves wine. So he went on short trips to vineyards, went fishing etc. and with his new job, he has to attend congresses. He does all this 3 to 4 times a year.

    We went on summer vacation in July to Italy (my country of origin). Unfortunately, I forgot my backpack with my computer, iPad etc. at home and only had my iPhone. Once I had to do something that needed to be done on a computer. He lent me his. I did what I had to do, closed the browser and stared at Outlook. There was a mail starting with „Hi, my love“ and ended with „kiss“. I scrolled through his inbox and found a few other mails from this woman. The mails itself were rather neutral written. But this „honey“, „love“ etc. bothered me a lot. I returned his laptop, didn’t say anything.

    I had a name and started my search. I found her workplace, address, Insta, Facebook, LinkedIn and and and. They were following each other all the way.

    I wanted to know more. So one day I had the opportunity to check his tablet. (Please, don’t preach about betrayal of trust!) Even so, he doesn’t use it that much, I hoped to find something. I found pics, notes, a mobile number and her private email. The oldest pic was from November 2018, so 8 months old.

    I’ve been thinking of it for a week. I wanted to confront him, but as I’m not a drama queen, do it quietly and in a collected manner. We were still on vacation and left the kids with my father and went out for dinner. We ate, drank wine, chatted and laughed. Then I told him, that I had a wish. If he would grant me that wish, I would never speak of it again, wouldn’t ask questions, but neither answer any.

    I said: „I wish you'd break off contact with this woman. Delete all her contact infos, pictures, throw away whatever she gave to you as a present.“ He went from red-faced to pale back to red-faced. He started saying: „What makes you think there’s something going on?“ I just looked at him and he shut up. He felt ashamed and guilty (which of course he was!). We talked a bit, but as I said, no questions.

    I felt better, but still something bothered me. I wanted his „mistress“ to know that I knew. So about 4 days later in the middle of the night I sent her an email. I asked her to not contact him anymore. She answered. She wasn’t his mistress. He was a widower since 5 years. There was no wife. She didn’t know about me. And now all came out. I - still civilized - told him how I felt about it. That the „no question“-rule wouldn’t apply anymore. I asked a few question. I knew, that if I asked too much, if I knew too much, I would feel awfully miserable.

    We were back home when she wrote to me again. They had been together since April 2018, which was 1 and ¼ years ago. She went with him on his trips, they celebrated new years eve (he told me to meet his buddies), he even took her to the house in the mountains in Italy, which btw belongs to my sister and me now. My grandparents bought it about 70 years ago. And during our vacation, when he went to Tyrol fishing for 2 days, she was there, too. I was aghast. I called him and screamed for about 20 minutes. There was no collected and civilized manner anymore. I screamed and cried and cursed. I will never forgive him that he took her to MY house and spent 2 days during OUR family vacation with her.

    I did not understand that he did all this after our dinner in February, when we were again living a functioning partnership, and that he did not leave her right then. I still don’t understand it. He said, that he wanted, but he couldn’t. She was like a buddy to him. He told me, he’d felt bad about this and that he waited for the right moment to tell her - after our vacation.

    I hurt, was devastated and angry. Very angry.

    He led a double life and I know this is an awful thing to do. It's despicable, unfair, disrespectful and immoral. If someone told me this story I would urge her to leave him. But I can't. I love him. And then there are 2 kids who already went through a divorce and the death of their mother. If I left him, he'd have to move out (it's my apartment) with them. He would move to another city. The boy wouldn't want to leave. The girl either because she got all her friends here and it would rip her out of her social circle. They both would be devastated. I can't do this to them and my daughter who would lose her siblings. They would be torn apart. We all would only suffer.

    I still love him. We’re still together. I know he loves me, too. We love each other from the deepest of our hearts, always did. I know: it sounds stupid and weak. But that’s the way it is. And as strange as it may sound, I'm happy. Much happier than I was before this ominous February dinner.

    So, that’s it. It’s an awful long post, sorry for that. But I had to write it down and share.

    Maybe there is someone here with similar experience?

    Thanks for reading :)

  2. #2
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    this is more than cheating, this is a full blown affair/double life.

    i know you love him and the kids but this is no way to live the rest of your life.

    it may take you some time, but eventually you must leave him.

    i can relate to still loving him and it being hard to let go, but this relationship is doomed and you deserve better.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. You may have to get used to his chronic philandering if you stay. Your child will do fine if you kick him out.
    Originally Posted by Island
    If I left him, he'd have to move out (it's my apartment) with them.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    If not a joke or spam, I think you're severely depressed and in need of good friends, a better support network and perhaps a therapist to help you work through your repressed anger and deep disappointment. What you are acquiescing to is the subordination and manipulation of the female gender (not to mention yourself) and upholding variations of the truth which can cause more pain in the long run to the family as a whole.

    You've begun with a lie: he is not your husband. A husband is someone who actually walks the talk, proposes, marries and lives with loyalty to his spouse. You've been lying to yourself for a very long time and your lies are continuing apparently for the greater good of all but your children will see these lies in their own mother. I think you are perpetuating a culture of lies and misleading information. Compounded with the behaviours of their father, this situation isn't healthy for anyone involved.

    I'd stay away from any pretenses of doing good for anyone because your pity for the children may be clouding your judgment on what's best for each of you individually regarding right and wrong, lies and truth. They will grow up to see through your lies and the lies your common law partner are perpetuating. I'm sorry for your pain. I think it might be best to engage and speak with a therapist or a counsellor regarding this and uncover other ideas of what happiness may mean to you.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    What a sad, complicated situation. I don't see him ever changing. He never really has.

    I can't do this to them and my daughter who would lose her siblings.
    Just so you know, YOU didn't do this them. He did.

    I wish you well in whatever you decide.

  7. #6
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    How can you think that someone who can deceive you like this loves you?

  8. #7
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    Wow if you can take one for the team and keep it together for someone else's kids... Good for you, you're a better person than I. Nobody could blame you for not going through with it though. You're raising another woman's kids as your own (sort of) and this is how he repays you!?

    I'd probably end it and consequences be damned. Or at the very least tell him that you need full disclosure regarding anything he's ever done. Going forward no more travels, no trips without you, no more late nights etc. He's either a fully committed family man who spends the rest of his children childhood years making amends or he's gone.

    Typically I would have zero tolerance for something like this but the kids have me thinking maybe if he bends over backwards to regain your trust it could be worth trying again... But that's a big big if.

  9. #8
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    Originally Posted by Island
    I will never forgive him that he took her to MY house and spent 2 days during OUR family vacation with her.
    If this is true, then everything else is irrelevant. Get a divorce. The End. The kids will be FINE.

    OR

    If keeping up appearances and lying to yourself about him caring about you in any way is more important to you- then stay "married". Married is in quotes because he does not treat you like his wife. He treats you like a maid and nanny that he occasionally sleeps with. He doesn't love or respect you AT ALL and will probably cheat again. So, be prepared to keep your mouth shut and never complain about his cheating again. He's shown you very clearly who he is. You are in complete denial if you think a man like this will ever be faithful to you.

    P.S. It is 100% possible to still love someone but still realize that splitting up is the best option for everyone

  10. #9
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    You can love someone and walk away from them. Loving yourself and having self respect is way important than catering to some lowlife who has never treasured or respected you at all. :I

  11. #10

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    Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

    I call him my husband because we live together for 11 years and raise 3 children. I never wanted to marry. And being 50+ yo it sounds weird to call him my boyfriend and cold/detached to call him my partner.

    I'm in therapy already. I'm in good hands there. And at the moment I'm not depressed. I know exactly how it feels to be depressed. So, that's a no here.

    He knows he has to earn my trust again. And I will not let him go to any of his trips. That's a clear NO. If he does it for business, he's not going alone. His partner (male!) joins him every time. So, if I ever have doubts, I ask him. Of course, if someone wants to cheat, he / she finds a way. But as I wrote, he did it because he didn't get from me, what everyone in a relationship needs: love, warmth, affection. It's no excuse. His behaviour was despicable, still.

    And I don't know if I'm in denial. How could I?

    I'm a very patient person. I let time work for the moment. But I'm alert.

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