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Thread: My husband cheated on me.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    So, you go to work, you pay the bills, you put a roof over his and his children's heads, you are raising and taking care of them. Meanwhile, he contributes nothing, is out busy having fun and is having multiple affairs. What are you getting out of this deal besides being a maid and martyr? He was cheating on you and doing nothing for you long before you stopped having sex with him. Stop and think - you stopped because he was being a lousy human being and you were too exhausted changing his diapers.

    I think you need to take a long step back and ask yourself honestly - what are you doing with this loser? Be honest. Stop telling yourself stories about how you can't kick him out because his kids need you - from what you wrote, those kids don't even like you. They are all just using you for room and board and can't even bother to say thank you for that.

    Cheaters cheat, OP. It's what they do. This man is a user, you are making yourself easy to use, and he is a cheater and you are willing to put up with it. If you are going to continue to do the room and board thing, at least keep the status quo and then don't sleep with him unless you want to pick up some incurable STD. Understand that no matter what you do or don't do, he will always cheat.

  2. #12
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    So your ideal relationship is with someone you have to police?

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Island
    He knows he has to earn my trust again. And I will not let him go to any of his trips. That's a clear NO. If he does it for business, he's not going alone. His partner (male!) joins him every time. So, if I ever have doubts, I ask him. Of course, if someone wants to cheat, he / she finds a way. But as I wrote, he did it because he didn't get from me, what everyone in a relationship needs: love, warmth, affection. It's no excuse. His behaviour was despicable, still.

    And I don't know if I'm in denial. How could I?
    .

    You ARE in denial if think this man cares at ALL about "earning your trust". He isn't afraid of losing YOU- He's afraid of losing his nanny and maid. You really think the word NO is going to stop him??? He lived a life entirely separate from you! You think a male friend going with him will stop him? (and honestly how would you even KNOW?) You trust this man to tell you the truth in ANY way?? Honestly??? All he has to do is tell you " I'm going on a business trip and Gary is going with me" (and you'll believe him because you so desperately want to believe that he loves you and gives a crap about you)- then he meets his new girlfriend wherever. He did it because he's cheater- period. He was in a LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP with someone else. It's not like he slept with someone else once, regretted it, and is trying to make amends. I think staying with this guy is a HUGE mistake.

    IMVHO, you are behaving as though you have no self-esteem. I mean, if you want to be this man's nanny and maid for the rest of your life, that's your choice. But seriously? What on EARTH are YOU getting out of this "relationship"??????

    It seems like you have decided to stay because you imagine he will actually love you one day. I really hope for your sake that you wake up someday!
    Maybe the next time it happens you will.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you and your child are financially secure and take care of that first. If you stopped being a doormat and taking care of him and his kids, he wouldn't have time to cheat this much. When he's off cheating again, tell him to drop his kids off at his family/friends and do not cook, clean, do housework, shop, etc. When you stop enabling his cheating he'll have less time to do it.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Island
    Thank you all for your thoughts and advice.

    I call him my husband because we live together for 11 years and raise 3 children. I never wanted to marry. And being 50+ yo it sounds weird to call him my boyfriend and cold/detached to call him my partner.

    I'm in therapy already. I'm in good hands there. And at the moment I'm not depressed. I know exactly how it feels to be depressed. So, that's a no here.

    He knows he has to earn my trust again. And I will not let him go to any of his trips. That's a clear NO. If he does it for business, he's not going alone. His partner (male!) joins him every time. So, if I ever have doubts, I ask him. Of course, if someone wants to cheat, he / she finds a way. But as I wrote, he did it because he didn't get from me, what everyone in a relationship needs: love, warmth, affection. It's no excuse. His behaviour was despicable, still.

    And I don't know if I'm in denial. How could I?

    I'm a very patient person. I let time work for the moment. But I'm alert.
    If he's remorseful for the infidelity and sincerely wants to change and leave these women behind, it's a good thing for you and the family. I'm a bit skeptical of the idea though as he failed the first time and wasn't able to stop having affairs. I'm not certain if perhaps he finds a thrill out of it and is perhaps tired of your patient ways (it doesn't do much for him anymore and you don't excite him in the way an affair with another woman might). I'd suspect some people are hardwired this way and I'm very sorry for the pain this has caused.

    So far you seem to be positive, hopeful and consistent in your expressions of love and commitment in the relationship. Has he openly promised you that he will remain faithful and do you feel that he has changed? If he hasn't and this is what you want (for him not to have anymore affairs), you may still be in denial and attempting to control him (or a situation) that is difficult to control.

    I hope things become less painful over time for you and don't get worse for your sake and the kids.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You already gave him one chance and you worked hard at rebuilding that trust and connection, only to find out he never stopped talking to her to begin with.
    How is it a man who has proven that he can't be faithful, can't work and can't take care of his family deserving of another chance?

  8. 08-24-2019, 08:29 AM

  9. #17
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Op: You are a prime example of why the Other Woman/Other Man should NOT take it upon their selves to tell the Betrayed Spouse about their affair. Sometimes the betrayed are much happier not knowing and they often times don't leave their spouse anyway.

    Island. If you never found out the first time, you would not have worked on your marriage to bring it back to a happy state of contentment nor would either of you restarted to show that you value one another so the first time was an opportunity to better your partnership. The betrayal really came when he didn't adhere to the boundaries that you proposed and he agreed to. Why you stay with him now, is beyond my ability to logic out other than to say you may be so totally codependent that you no longer understand what love is but rather are just addicted to him and are afraid to do without him no matter how much he betrays you.

    Your life, your call.

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