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Thread: Should I even bother trying to get my ex girlfriend back?

  1. #11
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    Look into avoidant attachment styles.

    Also, give her space. You've made yourself clear to her about how you feel and that you regret the decision. You've also advised her you'll do whatever it takes.
    The rest is down to her now.
    I suggest you give her the space she is asking for. That means don't text and call her. Only let her reach out to you when she's ready.
    If she doesn't, then you'll have to accept that.
    If he comes back, then you can take it from there. JUST DO NOT CHASE HER or she will run further.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by biscuit2020

    A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of two years. She'd been increasingly hinting at commitment, and I'd begun pulling away. I'm terribly scared of being hurt and taken advantage of, and I put a lot of distance between us. Ultimately, I broke it off with her because I did not think I could give her what she reasonably wanted.

    A month later, I began experiencing feelings that I did not think I would have, and realized I made a mistake.
    I think you need to ask yourself some hard questions and answer them truthfully and honestly (to yourself).

    So she had been hinting at commitment, you didn't think you could give that to her so pulled away and ended the relationship.

    Now, after breaking up you've suddenly and miraculously realized you do have feelings for her, and want her back.

    So the question is, what made you suddenly realize you DO have feelings and that you could give her that commitment she wanted?

    What brought you to this conclusion?

    What I am getting at is your thinking is the thinking of a bona fide commitment phobe, and I think you need to explore that within yourself honestly and truthfully because nothing you've said is making any sense.

    On one hand you said you're afraid of getting hurt, on the other you acknowledge you didn't have feelings but after breaking up now you do??

    This is so typical and again I ask what brought you to the conclusion that you are now emotionally prepared and ready to give her that commitment she wants? Serious question, I'd really like to know.

    What work have you done to resolve your issues? Again, you said you are afraid of getting hurt, so are you now suddenly NOT afraid of getting hurt?

    If I had to venture I guess, I don't think you've done any work, what's happening is you broke up and thus you miss her attention and are now in a state of "longing" for her.

    Which is quite different from love as love is caring and nurturing of what you DO have (which you failed to do while with her) and longing is craving what you DON'T have (which is now what you're doing).

    I guarantee you once you get back together (assuming she even wants that) the same feelings you had before will resurface after which lather, rinse repeat, and thus begins the never ending cycle of a toxic off/on relationship due to your commitment issues.

    My advice? Leave her alone and take the necessary time to work on your issues so you don't repeat patterns that are hurtful to your partner and toxic.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 08-22-2019 at 07:02 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I had someone I was dating do this to me. He wasn't `feeling it' and we ended it. 6 months later he's full tilt in love and wants to marry me? Imagine my confusion. Probably similar to the posters.

    `so, in my absence you've developed feelings for me?' Scratching my head.
    It's impossible to trust that.

    We ultimately stayed together after for over a year after some bumpy weeks, sorting things out. It didn't last for different reasons.

    My take away - things that don't start well, don't end well.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    `so, in my absence you've developed feelings for me?' Scratching my head.
    It's impossible to trust that.
    Actually, this seems to be how it works for men. They tend to prefer what is out of reach. I think women are the opposite. We fall in love the longer we know someone. And out of sight, out of mind.

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  6. #15
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    Thank you all for the advice, but she was seeing someone else the entire time. I don't know why she didn't just tell me so I could stop wasting my energy and keeping me emotionally and physically available. It's not like we could break up again.

  7. #16
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    Probably because you hurt her by breaking up with her and then changing your mind. Perhaps she wanted you to feel the pain she felt.

  8. #17
    Silver Member JamesDE's Avatar
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    So, here is your only option. Move on, admit to yourself you treated her poorly. Learn about yourself. If she comes back at all, reflect on your actions and commit to never doing that again. But...if not. Think of this. The way you felt then was after the relationship was no longer new. You could be there again, wishing you weren't. You miss her now. Maybe it's time to reflect, move on, and improve with someone new. This loneliness will subside. Maybe the next one will be your better option.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by Belle
    Actually, this seems to be how it works for men. They tend to prefer what is out of reach. I think women are the opposite. We fall in love the longer we know someone. And out of sight, out of mind.
    You shouldn't generalize . Women do this, too.

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