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Thread: He's done a 180 on me overnight

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    Thank you for your response. The last few days felt rather hopeless but I do also have a real tenancy to overthink and create a bigger problem than there actually is. We will be spending some time together this weekend so I'm going to take that time to get a better understanding of the situation. This is the first time anything like this has happened and it could have just been all blown out of proportion and we haven't had the opportunity to see each other face to face during this time. The optimist in me says this weekend could be very positive and if it's not meant to be I'll know soon enough.
    Toriana, please know there is a difference between seeing things optimistically and telling yourself a "story" because you fear being "real" with yourself, your boyfriend and the relationship would mean saying goodbye and leaving.

    Clearly you're not emotionally prepared or ready for that, hence this story you've told yourself casting yourself as the guilty party and taking most if not all the blame for the toxic nature of your interactions.

    It's very common I have done it myself.

    But it's very dangerous because you are denying/overlooking (1) the relationship's toxicity and (2) your boyfriend's controlling, manipulative and also toxic personality and nature. At least as far as you are concerned and the dynamic you have created together.

    Doing this is how women find themselves in unhealthy, abusive relationships, so please try and be real with yourself, no telling yourself stories taking the blame or anything else.

    Take care of YOU. That's the most important thing here.

    JMO but as an outsider looking in, I see nothing positive here. But you're gonna do what you want to do, so again I wish you luck.

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    That's a wonderful piece of advice and I completely understand the sentiment. I've struggled with depression and anxiety from a rather young age and never received help until I was well into my 20's by which time I feel like it's just ingrained in who I am. I am happy with my own company but I don't feel whole unless I have someone to share myself with. I've come to understand more of why this is through therapy but I don't know how to change this yet.
    I find it interesting that you choose the worst people for your depression and anxiety: toxic people. Are you seeing a therapist now? If so, what do they think about this guy?

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I find it interesting that you choose the worst people for your depression and anxiety: toxic people. Are you seeing a therapist now? If so, what do they think about this guy?
    I'm not seeing a therapist per se now as I've switched to italk and have only just started that one.
    It's never clear they're toxic until it's too late. For instance with this one, he's the most likeable guy - everyone wants to be his friend. He's so much fun and so adventurous and I've only just now seen this more childish side. The selfishness never seemed to matter because he's always been so much fun and it spreads and makes others happy in his presence. I think that's why I'm feeling so dramatically sad about this last week because all the happiness seems to have been taken away.
    The guy before was toxic, no doubt about it - I was just completely unaware at the time because I was wrapped up in being with someone who actually showed me attention.
    My 8 year relationship wasn't toxic. It just became sad. We loved each other very much, we were a team and should have gone the distance but he became alcohol dependant and over the last few years of our relationship it completely took over and our lifestyle didn't lend us an opportunity to get real help, (we lived in and managed a pub). I walked away and since then he's gotten help so I don't regret leaving and wish him nothing but happiness.
    I think really I'm looking for that relationship again. This guy I'm with now ticks all the boxes on paper but his behaviour this week has thrown it all into question.

  4. #34
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be time to reset your criteria and look for something beyond "fun and entertaining" Do not accept major issues like alcoholism.

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  6. #35
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    I'm not seeing a therapist per se now as I've switched to italk and have only just started that one.
    It's never clear they're toxic until it's too late. For instance with this one, he's the most likeable guy - everyone wants to be his friend. He's so much fun and so adventurous and I've only just now seen this more childish side. The selfishness never seemed to matter because he's always been so much fun and it spreads and makes others happy in his presence. I think that's why I'm feeling so dramatically sad about this last week because all the happiness seems to have been taken away.
    The guy before was toxic, no doubt about it - I was just completely unaware at the time because I was wrapped up in being with someone who actually showed me attention.
    My 8 year relationship wasn't toxic. It just became sad. We loved each other very much, we were a team and should have gone the distance but he became alcohol dependant and over the last few years of our relationship it completely took over and our lifestyle didn't lend us an opportunity to get real help, (we lived in and managed a pub). I walked away and since then he's gotten help so I don't regret leaving and wish him nothing but happiness.
    I think really I'm looking for that relationship again. This guy I'm with now ticks all the boxes on paper but his behaviour this week has thrown it all into question.
    Alcoholism is toxic. Someone who only cares about and talks about themselves is toxic. You make a lot of excuses and have chosen to ignore major red flags. Just because someone is the life of the party does not make them good partner material. Your picker is off.

    Please take a long Break from dating, and get to a therapist

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    I'm not seeing a therapist per se now as I've switched to italk and have only just started that one.
    It's never clear they're toxic until it's too late. For instance with this one, he's the most likeable guy - everyone wants to be his friend. He's so much fun and so adventurous and I've only just now seen this more childish side. The selfishness never seemed to matter because he's always been so much fun and it spreads and makes others happy in his presence. I think that's why I'm feeling so dramatically sad about this last week because all the happiness seems to have been taken away.
    The guy before was toxic, no doubt about it - I was just completely unaware at the time because I was wrapped up in being with someone who actually showed me attention.
    My 8 year relationship wasn't toxic. It just became sad. We loved each other very much, we were a team and should have gone the distance but he became alcohol dependant and over the last few years of our relationship it completely took over and our lifestyle didn't lend us an opportunity to get real help, (we lived in and managed a pub). I walked away and since then he's gotten help so I don't regret leaving and wish him nothing but happiness.
    I think really I'm looking for that relationship again. This guy I'm with now ticks all the boxes on paper but his behaviour this week has thrown it all into question.
    Nope, you knew early on:
    "He's always been all about him. In every conversation (not just with me) it's always his time to shine and he cuts across anyone who tries to talk".

    But your need to have someone you can call "boyfriend" overrides your instinct and common sense.

    Why is that? What's missing from your life that you need a boyfriend to fill those empty places?

    Wanting someone to share things with and NEEDING someone and feeling incomplete without a man in your life are two entirely different things.

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