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He's done a 180° on me overnight


MaggieMatsu

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I've officially been with my boyfriend for 4 months now but we dated a good while before then. Everything has been wonderful as it should be at the beginning but it appears the honeymoon period is well and truly over and the cracks are starting show. A good friend of mine said once that the cracks will always show after a few months but this is the make or break time as it's how we deal with them that determine our relationship. Here's where my problem comes in. A couple of weeks back he had an issue he brought up with me and we sat and talked it out and it was so refreshing. He said in a good relationship you talk about your problems (100% agree with that!) and we resolved the issue. Now a few days ago he made some "laddy banter" comments that actually upset me. I waited until we were alone and asked to talk to him about it and he kinda fobbed me off and he didn't talk to me the rest of the day. He was chatting to my cousin later that day and told her he was annoyed with me because I'm not driving yet (I'm currently learning and it bothers him that I haven't learnt before now as I'm in my late 20's but I don't see how that's his problem). The following day he started messaging me like normal and perhaps I should have left well enough alone but I was upset he spent the day before ignoring me and about what he'd been talking to my cousin about. I told him I knew he was frustrated with me about the driving but it's something we talked about before and he knows I'll get there. He said he was frustrated but there was more to it but when I asked what he just made a rather vague pointless comment. I asked if he was feeling like he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said no but then had a go at me for being upset with him over the "banter" and that if I wanted to have an argument we could. I didn't understand where that came from at all. I was actively trying to avoid an argument by talking things out but it feels like that's only something he's willing to do if it's him who has the problem. I have an issue and he flips it around on me like he can't handle being in the wrong. I could get past this and accept that this is just a part of who he is but what I can't stand is the silent treatment he's got me under ever since. He's sent me a stupid video on social media but when I tried talking to him (just normal stuff nothing to do with any of the argument) he gave me short one word answers and then made himself unavailable all day. I have no idea how to go about this. I've well and truly fallen for him and now I think I'm seeing another side that had I seen before would probably have stopped me from feeling that way. He's always been obviously quite self centred but it's never been nasty before. I don't want to throw it away if it's just a momentary thing or perhaps I'm simply overreacting and overthinking it?

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I told him I knew he was frustrated with me about the driving but it's something we talked about before and he knows I'll get there. He said he was frustrated but there was more to it but when I asked what he just made a rather vague pointless comment. I asked if he was feeling like he didn't want to be with me anymore

 

I want to start with this here^^ When trying to talk to him about his frustrations over you not driving, you made a huge leap to asking if he didn't want to be with you anymore.

As much as I can see you need to vet things out, I don't know that he's just stonewalling you, but more so picking his battles. From everything you just explained it does kinda sound like you are trying find things to argue about.

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He sounds really annoying to deal with. Doesn’t sound like you were being unreasonable in wanting to find a calm moment to address something that bothered you, but he doesn’t seem willing to discuss when he deems it unworthy. At this point I’d cut my losses. Doesn’t sound like something that will get better miraculously.

 

You mentioned at the end of your post that you found him self centered before this argument too. Can what makes you feel that way?

 

Also, unless you’re using him as a free taxi service, it’s really none of his business when you decide to get your license.

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I want to start with this here^^ When trying to talk to him about his frustrations over you not driving, you made a huge leap to asking if he didn't want to be with you anymore.

As much as I can see you need to vet things out, I don't know that he's just stonewalling you, but more so picking his battles. From everything you just explained it does kinda sound like you are trying find things to argue about.

 

I can see how that looks and I was worried that's what he thought too. My problem is I over think and freak myself out and I just wanted to talk to him about what was worrying me. He knows I'm an overthinker and his responses have left me even more confused. I don't believe he wants to end it but I'm so sad he's not talking to me now. The last thing I wanted was an argument I just wanted to understand where I stood because it become so confusing.

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I know you've really fallen for him, but at only 4 months in, my advice is to let this one go.

 

It's much too soon for all this bickering, him being annoyed at you because you don't drive? How is this any of his business?

 

Is he being forced to drive you everywhere or something, what's his problem???? Geez.

 

And then you getting annoyed at him for the bantering followed by him getting frustrated, having another go at you -- sweetie when your bf starts getting frustrated and annoyed at you for such stupid s*** as this at only four months in, time to call it a day!

 

It's not going to get better, trust me.

 

He's just not feelin it same way you are, I'm sorry.

 

And I personally believe your instincts in asking him if he still wanted to be with you were spot on.

 

I would have asked to, like I said, him getting so annoyed at you about such stupid **** is pretty telling.

 

Except if this were me, I would have told him I didn't want to be with him anymore.

 

Next.

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Unfortunately you're trying to change and fix and train each other which spells disaster. It's not your call how he talks to his friends. Unless he does all the driving it's not his call whether you drive or not. Tell your cousin to stop gossiping about you with him.

 

You need to pull way way back on this and stop trying to force all these talks and drag out all your "concerns". The more you push like this the more he'll pull back. Dating is a what you see is what you get observation period. Stop contacting him unless he responds and seeks conversation. Stay busy with your life and stop laser focusing on changing him. Also reconsider someone who uses silent treatments.He sounds quite immature.

 

Now a few days ago he made some "laddy banter" comments that actually upset me. I waited until we were alone and asked to talk to him about it and he kinda fobbed me off and he didn't talk to me the rest of the day.

 

he was annoyed with me because I'm not driving yet

I asked if he was feeling like he didn't want to be with me anymore and he said no

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You mentioned at the end of your post that you found him self centered before this argument too. Can what makes you feel that way?

 

Also, unless you’re using him as a free taxi service, it’s really none of his business when you decide to get your license.

 

He's always been all about him. In every conversation (not just with me) it's always his time to shine and he cuts across anyone who tries to talk. He's never particularly interested in what's going on in other people's lives but can't wait to tell everyone what he's up to and what he knows about something, he has very strong opinions and you can't argue with him. But all of that has never really bothered me, people are different after all and he's always been quite sweet with me. He certainly lacks empathy but he does care. And I'm absolutely not using him as a taxi service, I couldn't even if I wanted to! He doesn't go anywhere if he doesn't want to and that's actually what annoyed me about it because my not yet driving has zero impact on his life. He's just recently got a job after being unemployed for a year (because he wanted a year long break from work) and all of a sudden he's angry at me for not driving and working (I've been unemployed for roughly 4 months and it was due to some severe health problems that I had to stop at the time). We don't live together so none of this should actually matter.

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I might have overlooked everything else as petty and a little moody and insecure on his part but I don't think very highly of anyone who gossips. That part about speaking about you or griping about you to your cousin, your family relative, of all people is not only ill-mannered but somewhat lacking in intelligence. I'm sorry. For that reason alone, not nice.

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He's always been all about him. In every conversation (not just with me) it's always his time to shine and he cuts across anyone who tries to talk. He's never particularly interested in what's going on in other people's lives but can't wait to tell everyone what he's up to and what he knows about something, he has very strong opinions and you can't argue with him. [/B]But all of that has never really bothered me, people are different after all and he's always been quite sweet with me. He certainly lacks empathy but he does care. And I'm absolutely not using him as a taxi service, I couldn't even if I wanted to! He doesn't go anywhere if he doesn't want to and that's actually what annoyed me about it because my not yet driving has zero impact on his life. He's just recently got a job after being unemployed for a year (because he wanted a year long break from work) and all of a sudden he's angry at me for not driving and working (I've been unemployed for roughly 4 months and it was due to some severe health problems that I had to stop at the time). We don't live together so none of this should actually matter.

 

I can't understand why YOU would choose to be with someone like this? Do you gravitate towards jerks? He sounds obnoxious, mean and lazy. This is who he is.

 

Do you usually date men like this?

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I can't understand why YOU would choose to be with someone like this? Do you gravitate towards jerks? He sounds obnoxious, mean and lazy. This is who he is.

 

Do you usually date men like this?

 

I think as a rule this seems to be the case; I've never had a boyfriend that wasn't selfish but when I talk to my friends it's always the same old "what man isn't?" response so I tend to overlook it. I had one long term boyfriend (8 years) who loved me very much but he was very neglectful of me due to a terrible alcohol problem that ultimately ended us. Since then I've been in a relationship that felt perfect and we'd made amazing plans and then he just switched and changed his mind. I think that has a part to play in my paranoia in expecting my current boyfriend to turn out to be lying to me and take it all away. He is obnoxious, no doubt about it and he can be thoughtless sometimes but I worry I'm projecting a lot of fears and overthinking what's actually going on.

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I read your history. Your engagement ended 4 months ago, then you immediately got involved with this jerk. Why did you not wait at least 6 months to heal? Do you always bounce from man to man? Are you that scared of being independent?

 

5 months but that's neither here nor there. I was devastated at the time but through talking it out here and doing a lot of thinking I realized how glad I was that had ended and how abusive he'd actually been during the year we'd been together. This guy came along without me expecting it and things just kinda happened. I held him at arms length for a while and it was only a week ago that I allowed myself to admit I really care about him. We had a great talk and both admitted we loved each other.. Things have changed somewhat since then but I don't know if that's me projecting my fears over what happened in my last relationship with how abruptly it ended. Before my previous relationship I was never paranoid or insecure but now I'm over emotional and scared. I probably wasn't ready for another relationship but you can't help how you feel.

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I think as a rule this seems to be the case; I've never had a boyfriend that wasn't selfish but when I talk to my friends it's always the same old "what man isn't?" response so I tend to overlook it. I had one long term boyfriend (8 years) who loved me very much but he was very neglectful of me due to a terrible alcohol problem that ultimately ended us. Since then I've been in a relationship that felt perfect and we'd made amazing plans and then he just switched and changed his mind. I think that has a part to play in my paranoia in expecting my current boyfriend to turn out to be lying to me and take it all away. He is obnoxious, no doubt about it and he can be thoughtless sometimes but I worry I'm projecting a lot of fears and overthinking what's actually going on.

 

Sorry, your friends are wrong. You are gravitating towards jerks. It is who you are choosing. You should not be overlooking selfish, overbearing, insensitive behavior. This is what leads to emotionally abusive relationships.

 

He did not change. This is who he is, he is simply exposing more of his true self.

 

I think that you are the common denominator and you choose bad guys. I strongly suggest you take a long break from dating and possibly get some therapy to deal with the other relationship, as you are choosing toxic partners.

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5 months but that's neither here nor there. I was devastated at the time but through talking it out here and doing a lot of thinking I realized how glad I was that had ended and how abusive he'd actually been during the year we'd been together. This guy came along without me expecting it and things just kinda happened. I held him at arms length for a while and it was only a week ago that I allowed myself to admit I really care about him. We had a great talk and both admitted we loved each other.. Things have changed somewhat since then but I don't know if that's me projecting my fears over what happened in my last relationship with how abruptly it ended. Before my previous relationship I was never paranoid or insecure but now I'm over emotional and scared. I probably wasn't ready for another relationship but you can't help how you feel.

 

Scared probably isn't the best place to be. Being fearful and edgy with the people closest to you is not healthy and it begins to corrode your sense of stability and safety/trust in others. Try and work out what is good for you and what isn't good. Try to stay away from people and situations that don't make you feel hopeful, positive or allow you to think clearly.

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I think that you are the common denominator and you choose bad guys. I strongly suggest you take a long break from dating and possibly get some therapy to deal with the other relationship, as you are choosing toxic partners.

 

In hindsight I feel like I know this to be true. I've never had much self confidence and I know I only feel good when I'm with someone and that's a problem. I've always admired my parents and grandparents relationships as they've always stuck by one another no matter what and it feels like that doesn't exist anymore. If I fall for someone I want to make it work and I know that's not always going to be realistic but the optimist in me keeps me at it.

I've sought cbt because I need to address my anxiety and paranoia and I think that does a lot to jeopardise new relationships because I simply don't know how to date, I know how to be 'wifey' because from age 19-27 I was in a long committed relationship so subsequent relationships have been odd starting from scratch. Evidently my head is a bit of a mess.

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Plus, why would you choose someone who chose to be out of work for a year? Why is that a positive thing? Yikes. He has a poor work ethic. How did he support himself? How old is he?

 

He's 32 (and I'm 29) and had been working abroad for several years and living off his savings while he was looking after his grandparents so it never really bothered me. I'm hardly one to judge as I had to move in with my grandfather after I got ill and we look after each other and I've been keeping myself moving forward by learning to drive.

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Scared probably isn't the best place to be. Being fearful and edgy with the people closest to you is not healthy and it begins to corrode your sense of stability and safety/trust in others. Try and work out what is good for you and what isn't good. Try to stay away from people and situations that don't make you feel hopeful, positive or allow you to think clearly.

 

The more I think about it the more I now believe I'm the one who jeopardised this with my paranoia. Absolutely nothing was wrong until we dropped the "L" word and since then I've been waiting for it to be taken away, it's almost like I'm looking for reasons as to why it would be and in doing so I may have caused this situation.

He's starting a new job today and I'm wondering if I triggered him by asking questions about our relationship that he didn't think needed to be asked at a time when he's stressed about his new venture. I don't think he handled it well but I don't think I did either.

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Hi Toriana,

 

First I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hurtful and confusing. It's always hard when your heart's involved, and since you've fallen for him this is a difficult shift for you. From everything you've described, I think you might just be in for more hurt as time passes. You've done well to observe his personality/character, and now that he's turning that on you it probably will just get worse.

 

That being said, you could be missing something here. I'd say before you cut anything off, try again to tell him that you really think the two of you need to talk. Tell him just like he'd said before: you need to talk out problems in a good relationship. And you feel like you've both made some missteps recently and you want to talk them through and both understand each other again. Then see how he responds to that.

 

No matter what, I hope this works out for you, and I hope you're able to come to better understanding of what's going on here. Blessings

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Your friends have a point. However it appears that you are just now seeing the real him. Don't use your past to cloud or second guess your judgement. He's a jerk....and you know it.

I A good friend of mine said once that the cracks will always show after a few months but this is the make or break time as it's how we deal with them that determine our relationship.
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