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Thread: He's done a 180 on me overnight

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj

    I think that you are the common denominator and you choose bad guys. I strongly suggest you take a long break from dating and possibly get some therapy to deal with the other relationship, as you are choosing toxic partners.
    In hindsight I feel like I know this to be true. I've never had much self confidence and I know I only feel good when I'm with someone and that's a problem. I've always admired my parents and grandparents relationships as they've always stuck by one another no matter what and it feels like that doesn't exist anymore. If I fall for someone I want to make it work and I know that's not always going to be realistic but the optimist in me keeps me at it.
    I've sought cbt because I need to address my anxiety and paranoia and I think that does a lot to jeopardise new relationships because I simply don't know how to date, I know how to be 'wifey' because from age 19-27 I was in a long committed relationship so subsequent relationships have been odd starting from scratch. Evidently my head is a bit of a mess.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Plus, why would you choose someone who chose to be out of work for a year? Why is that a positive thing? Yikes. He has a poor work ethic. How did he support himself? How old is he?
    He's 32 (and I'm 29) and had been working abroad for several years and living off his savings while he was looking after his grandparents so it never really bothered me. I'm hardly one to judge as I had to move in with my grandfather after I got ill and we look after each other and I've been keeping myself moving forward by learning to drive.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    Scared probably isn't the best place to be. Being fearful and edgy with the people closest to you is not healthy and it begins to corrode your sense of stability and safety/trust in others. Try and work out what is good for you and what isn't good. Try to stay away from people and situations that don't make you feel hopeful, positive or allow you to think clearly.
    The more I think about it the more I now believe I'm the one who jeopardised this with my paranoia. Absolutely nothing was wrong until we dropped the "L" word and since then I've been waiting for it to be taken away, it's almost like I'm looking for reasons as to why it would be and in doing so I may have caused this situation.
    He's starting a new job today and I'm wondering if I triggered him by asking questions about our relationship that he didn't think needed to be asked at a time when he's stressed about his new venture. I don't think he handled it well but I don't think I did either.

  4. #24
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    Hi Toriana,

    First I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hurtful and confusing. It's always hard when your heart's involved, and since you've fallen for him this is a difficult shift for you. From everything you've described, I think you might just be in for more hurt as time passes. You've done well to observe his personality/character, and now that he's turning that on you it probably will just get worse.

    That being said, you could be missing something here. I'd say before you cut anything off, try again to tell him that you really think the two of you need to talk. Tell him just like he'd said before: you need to talk out problems in a good relationship. And you feel like you've both made some missteps recently and you want to talk them through and both understand each other again. Then see how he responds to that.

    No matter what, I hope this works out for you, and I hope you're able to come to better understanding of what's going on here. Blessings

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Your friends have a point. However it appears that you are just now seeing the real him. Don't use your past to cloud or second guess your judgement. He's a jerk....and you know it.
    Originally Posted by Toriana
    I A good friend of mine said once that the cracks will always show after a few months but this is the make or break time as it's how we deal with them that determine our relationship.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    The more I think about it the more I now believe I'm the one who jeopardised this with my paranoia. Absolutely nothing was wrong until we dropped the "L" word and since then I've been waiting for it to be taken away, it's almost like I'm looking for reasons as to why it would be and in doing so I may have caused this situation.
    He's starting a new job today and I'm wondering if I triggered him by asking questions about our relationship that he didn't think needed to be asked at a time when he's stressed about his new venture. I don't think he handled it well but I don't think I did either.
    The use of the word love in a declaration of emotion should come about with deep care and consideration for each other as individuals and also in the way you honour and care for the relationship (togetherness). I don't sense that he understands what this word means from the start which seems to have created a rather rocky foundation upon which to build your life on together. It may be helpful to go back to the basics: try and meditate or reflect on what love means to you and what a loving partner means to you. When we are in pain and feeling very confused, refer back to your ideas of what love and support means in a relationship.

    You appear to have a very good grasp of your own shortcomings and where you have room for improvement but I'd be cautious about covering for the shortcomings of others. Every relationship requires a great deal of patience and care but the ones worth sticking around for should inspire you to hope and become more of the good parts of yourself you wish to see. If you see someone bringing out the worst in you consistently and triggering negative reactions or feelings instinctively from you, take stock and be cautious around that company.

    I'm not telling you whether to break up with him or not (that is your decision) - just be cautious and continue staying in touch with yourself and what your ideas of love or a relationship should mean.

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by Toriana
    In hindsight I feel like I know this to be true. I've never had much self confidence and I know I only feel good when I'm with someone and that's a problem. I've always admired my parents and grandparents relationships as they've always stuck by one another no matter what and it feels like that doesn't exist anymore. If I fall for someone I want to make it work and I know that's not always going to be realistic but the optimist in me keeps me at it.
    I've sought cbt because I need to address my anxiety and paranoia and I think that does a lot to jeopardise new relationships because I simply don't know how to date, I know how to be 'wifey' because from age 19-27 I was in a long committed relationship so subsequent relationships have been odd starting from scratch. Evidently my head is a bit of a mess.
    I think you should be in a committed relationship to yourself. You have become very dependent on men, and have made poor choices for to a fear of being independent. When you become emotionally healthy, you will make better choices.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by reaThua9
    Hi Toriana,

    First I want to say I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hurtful and confusing. It's always hard when your heart's involved, and since you've fallen for him this is a difficult shift for you. From everything you've described, I think you might just be in for more hurt as time passes. You've done well to observe his personality/character, and now that he's turning that on you it probably will just get worse.

    That being said, you could be missing something here. I'd say before you cut anything off, try again to tell him that you really think the two of you need to talk. Tell him just like he'd said before: you need to talk out problems in a good relationship. And you feel like you've both made some missteps recently and you want to talk them through and both understand each other again. Then see how he responds to that.

    No matter what, I hope this works out for you, and I hope you're able to come to better understanding of what's going on here. Blessings
    Thank you for your response. The last few days felt rather hopeless but I do also have a real tenancy to overthink and create a bigger problem than there actually is. We will be spending some time together this weekend so I'm going to take that time to get a better understanding of the situation. This is the first time anything like this has happened and it could have just been all blown out of proportion and we haven't had the opportunity to see each other face to face during this time. The optimist in me says this weekend could be very positive and if it's not meant to be I'll know soon enough.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    The use of the word love in a declaration of emotion should come about with deep care and consideration for each other as individuals and also in the way you honour and care for the relationship (togetherness). I don't sense that he understands what this word means from the start which seems to have created a rather rocky foundation upon which to build your life on together. It may be helpful to go back to the basics: try and meditate or reflect on what love means to you and what a loving partner means to you. When we are in pain and feeling very confused, refer back to your ideas of what love and support means in a relationship.

    You appear to have a very good grasp of your own shortcomings and where you have room for improvement but I'd be cautious about covering for the shortcomings of others. Every relationship requires a great deal of patience and care but the ones worth sticking around for should inspire you to hope and become more of the good parts of yourself you wish to see. If you see someone bringing out the worst in you consistently and triggering negative reactions or feelings instinctively from you, take stock and be cautious around that company.

    I'm not telling you whether to break up with him or not (that is your decision) - just be cautious and continue staying in touch with yourself and what your ideas of love or a relationship should mean.
    He's never before had a short relationship but he's been single for 9 years after a very bad break up and I think being alone for so long has had an impact as well as his own baggage he's made clear from his last relationship. I'm the polar opposite in that I've not had a lot of time alone, I think in all my adult life the longest I've been single was a little over a year and bar my last relationship all have been amicable ends.

    I have always been my worst critic and am very hard on myself. I know I'm not perfect and so I don't expect anyone else to be but I do know I can get walked all over because of this.

    I want to take a step back and breathe but I don't want to lose a relationship due to my own anxieties that could well be unfounded or at least over exaggerated.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think you should be in a committed relationship to yourself. You have become very dependent on men, and have made poor choices for to a fear of being independent. When you become emotionally healthy, you will make better choices.
    That's a wonderful piece of advice and I completely understand the sentiment. I've struggled with depression and anxiety from a rather young age and never received help until I was well into my 20's by which time I feel like it's just ingrained in who I am. I am happy with my own company but I don't feel whole unless I have someone to share myself with. I've come to understand more of why this is through therapy but I don't know how to change this yet.

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