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Where do I stand with my ex? (Long post)


crownthx

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This story has stumped 2 different professional therapists so I'd like other peoples incite as to what I can do. To start, my ex always saw me as her dream guy matching everything she wanted in a partner and it was the same for me which is why I'm so confused. My ex and I were going steady for 6 months and we had a breakup in September, I applied no contact for 3 days and it got us talking again and seeing each other again. While we were talking she was assuring me there wasn't anybody else. One night in October, I took her on a date and I had her phone and I accidentally opened a message when it popped up and found out she was talking to a guy and she blocked him and got back with me there on the spot. Ever since then we were super healthy and our relationship was never as strong. We experienced new things together and really grew up with each other.

 

Months pass and things were really great and we were very mature about everything and making plans with each other. In June we couldn't see each other and we had our first actual argument over text 2 nights in a row and after that we didn't argue again. June 28th she was making plans with me to go on trips and doing really nice things (her idea) so I didn't see anything was wrong and we were supposed to see each other on July 4th. She's planning on moving out within that week of July 4th with her work friend from her parents house which will give her a lot of freedom to do things she hasn't been able to. July 2nd I go out with friends and she's sending me the normal snapchats as always and when I get home she calls me out of the blue saying we need to break up. She's crying and I'm calm and explaining to her that this isn't right and we can get through it. Of course she denied it and said I make her unhappy and doesn't see a future with me

 

Next day we call and I tried again and she was more hostile throwing blame at me for small things that didn't correlate to why she'd leave me. A few days after she started talking to me and was screen shotting my snaps like she did when we were together it was weird for me and we make a day to talk. On July 17th we finally meet and when we were talking I explained how I felt and it made her cry and get touchy with me and she told me there's someone else. I explain more and she changed her answer from no to I'll think about it. After getting up from talking she brought up how a couple that walked by has a baby and why we didn't yet and brought up living with me like we were supposed to. This confused me because it directly contradicted why she broke up with me. We ended up going places and having fun and we went to her house and ended up having sex. She was holding onto me like she really didn't want me to leave and before I left she told me she loved me, I said it back and she said it again. Very out of character for her because I'm usually the one who initiates that, maybe over analyzing but odd to me. She calls me the next day and she's going into detail about her day and I asked when I can see her again and she replies with she's going out of town with the "someone else" next time she's off and that destroyed me but I hung up before I let my emotions about that out so I didn't damage my chances.

 

Those days pass and she gets home from the trip and we call and she tells me I make her happy and I made her cry with sweet things and she still said there's someone else. I was sure it had to be the guy from last time because shes posted pictures with him, but something tells me it wasn't. A couple days pass and we planned to call and that day came and she asked if we could the next day. Next day comes and she says she's out of town and can't call and I tell her we need to talk (because I need answers) and she says she's with her new boyfriend. I don't reply and she replies back asking if I'm okay and I say I'm fine. I realize she's in that city again with this guy and it's making me wonder, if he's real he lives very far away. She hasn't posted anything about him across social media and hasn't taken down my pictures. She gets back in town and I say we need to meet to clear the air she agreed and wouldn't give me a date. I tried again in a few days and she wanted to meet the next day instead of my suggestion for the next week.

 

That day comes and as soon as she woke up she wanted to reschedule for Sunday and I later realized she was too anxious. That Saturday she finally removed my pictures, but only the ones that I'm immediately on and not the ones that you have to scroll to find me. That Sunday comes and she tells me to bring some things she left at my house and she can't stay out late because her boyfriends staying with her. I go and see her and she shows no emotion towards me and I explain my feelings and she's not showing emotion and still is blaming me. Saying we argued all the time and we had more bad times than good (which is definitely not true). She always made super creative gifts for me that she put a lot of time and love into and I never really did it for her because I'm not creative. I pull out a scrapbook I made for our 2 year anniversary that wasn't finished yet and it shocked her. She was carefully turning each page and she said she wants to read it more thoroughly when she gets the chance. The book came with a video of our memories playing to her favorite love songs and she was trying to hide that she was crying. I showed her a letter I wrote her about how I love and accept her and it made her cry and she let me hold her. Her phone keeps blowing up and she finally answers with an irritated attitude saying she's on her way. I realize her boyfriend has been behind us for 15 minutes and we hug and she leaves.

 

I was so mad and upset after this. Next morning I felt destroyed like I lost my chance and she's gone. She texts me in the morning saying she wanted to make sure I made it home okay, I replied with I did, thank you. I believed that was the last of it. I notice on her twitter (where her friends and family aren't on) she keeps posting depressing things about her boyfriend all from that city 4 hours away. Then that Thursday she posted something almost confirming they broke up. The next day I try and reach out and say I wanted to check up on you make sure you're doing okay. She replied with I'm ok and waited then asked how i was. I replied with I'm doing good I was running errands and I was thinking about you. At this point I still have my 6th sense for her and can tell when she's depressed and this is mid august at this point. She didn't reply to my message and it upset me. This Sunday comes and something weird happens. I watch her snapchat story about how this guy from last time we broke up made her dinner because she's sad and that he's her best friend. not even a minute later she sends me a snapchat, not a text, with a picture of her eating spaghetti saying "for old times sake." She always sent me those pictures when we were together and I replied with something sweet but not heavy and she left it on read. Then she deletes the post after I replied. The night prior she was posting her going out to a party with that guy and ever since we broke up she's been posting her going out drinking, wearing more revealing clothing etc. I also noticed when I last saw her she looked well... not that good. She looked drained and she cut her hair and dyed it, new piercings, no makeup, dirty clothes... not looking too good for that boyfriend.

 

Back to the story, the next day I hit her with a nostalgia snapchat like she did to me with the same caption and she just opened it, no reply. She posts more pictures with this guy that night and the next morning. She knows I don't like this guy because of last time and she went from posting once a month to 3 times a week with this guy... almost like she's actively trying to make me jealous. That was the last we talked and I have no clue where I stand, but I'm starting no contact, but I don't know if that'll be effective. She's very depressed and confused and I want to help her but she won't let me. I want to get back with her because now I'm in a better mindset and not as depressed and anxious as I was. If someone can give me incite as to what I can do here I'd love to know.

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The relationship is over. You're not going to find a miracle online to seduce or coerce a person into wanting to be with you. Respect her wishes and avoid her on social media. You seem full of regret and missed opportunities. It happens. Try and be mature about it. It's time to move on. What she does from now onwards is none of your business.

 

Your therapists may be stumped because they are being paid to help you but you are not willing to help yourself.

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Well my therapist I've known since high school and he brought his wife into it (it wasn't a separate session) to try and understand what she's doing because it's not like how normal breakups are.

 

Also why would she reach out of it was done and over with. I even told her last time I saw her I just want her to be happy with or without me and it brought her to tears. Do you have any idea what I can do in my situation besides wait?

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You are not supposed to wait. My advice is to start living your life more purposefully without waiting for someone who doesn't want to be with you. She has moved on. Even if she reached out she's not pledging her love or her life to you. A bit of water while in conversation is not commitment or an invitation. No cigar. You're reading into your ex's every reaction which is why I've suggested you limit all contact with her. The relationship is completely over and you're appearing obsessed over someone who is not interested in you enough to be with you or reliably with you in any form of committed relationship.

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Your therapists are probably stumped because you are asking them to find some way to get a woman who has chosen to be with someone else.to come back to you.

 

Your therapists can't interfere with free will. Neither can you.

 

This has been a mess for months. It's not going to magically change into what you want it to be.

 

Sorry, but it's time to move forward.

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I'm willing to move forward, but I don't believe this is done because of how she is. She had a failed rebound relationship that threw her in a deeper hole and she's becoming more depressed. I wish I could help and pull her out of it, but I don't want to interfere if she doesn't want me to. I treated her very good and gave her the dream relationship she wanted, but her life took several turns at the end.

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Well my therapist I've known since high school and he brought his wife into it (it wasn't a separate session) to try and understand what she's doing because it's not like how normal breakups are.

 

 

Maybe that's what you wanted to hear because for ethical reasons therapists don't analyse people they've never met.

 

What is a normal break up? One person decides to unilaterally to end the relationship. They often feel torn and still have residual feelings that eventually work themselves out. From there they cut contact and move on either alone or with someone else.

 

I am sorry. This isn't a mystery. She have moved on and you are determined to stay behind hanging on and reading things between the lines to continue to do so. Please don't. You just continue to hurt yourself long after this relationship ended.

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I'm willing to move forward, but I don't believe this is done because of how she is. She had a failed rebound relationship that threw her in a deeper hole and she's becoming more depressed. I wish I could help and pull her out of it, but I don't want to interfere if she doesn't want me to. I treated her very good and gave her the dream relationship she wanted, but her life took several turns at the end.

 

The second half of your first sentence directly contradicts the first half.

 

So what you're saying is she is incapable of making decisions for herself and needs you to "help" her run her own life.

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I'm bad with words my bad lol when I write them down it doesn't come out how I was thinking it.

 

What I meant

 

She's in a bad place right now and I want to help her, but if she doesn't want it I'm going to just not contact her or anything until she reaches out again. I will be moving on with my life the longer it takes. If that makes more sense

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Sorry this is happening. Try to step way back from this for awhile. Don't try to fix, change or 'cheer her up' for your own sake. Give yourself room to reflect away from the chaos of it all and particularly her social media. Unfortunately you need to consider that this guy has been in and out of the picture for quite some time and not as a 'best friend'. No therapists can read her mind particularly since it's a third hand account from you. As well, from your description it's hard to know what she's thinking, but there is a lot of mention of this other guy, so think about that.

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Well at first I was thinking maybe they are starting a relationship, but my gut feeling tells me there's no substance to it. Everyone that knows us believe she's trying to make me jealous to get me to talk to her. Thank you for a reply that wasn't just move on there's no hope lol. I'm going to give her space and I treated her how she always wanted to be treated and every guy she dated before me treated her bad. I really do believe she broke up with me because of tensions in her household and her depression getting to her. Do you think she'll regret it in the future? I haven't freaked out and I've been very mature about the breakup with her.

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How old are you guys? Sorry but to me the whole thing sounds a bit immature. Your ex-girlfriend sounds childish and attention seeking. You'd been together for a couple of years but during that time she had already broken up with you a few times. This had been an on and off relationship basically from the start.

 

Every time she breaks up with you, she keeps playing games and keeping you hanging on while she's also seeing other guys. And she likes to make a show of seeing other guys because she keeps telling you about it. I don't think she loves you because when you love someone you don't treat them like this. I think she just loves attention and having guys fighting over her. She also likes to keep her options open. She's trying to create jealousy by dangling the other guy in front of you. She might be doing the same thing to him too.

 

Also I'm not sure how old you are but it seems like your relationship was largely based around social media. It was all Snapchat this and Snapchat that and what she said about you on Facebook, etc. Like putting so much value on if she saw your Snapchat or how she reacted to it and so on. I know social media is huge now but it seems like you both put so much value on electronic communication. A relationship needs a more solid ground and time in person. Sorry if this is rude but it all just seems pretty immature and juvenile to me. Especially how she's behaving sounds like she's still in high school.

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We're 20. To clarify on the first time we broke up, it was because I was distant and not being as good of a boyfriend as I was being and I told her I'd change, I didn't and she broke up with me. She realized she does love me and we got back together. After that I took a semester off college and we were going on plenty of dates and doing a bunch of things we've wanted to do. She lives an hour away from me so we couldn't see each other as often as most couples but we did at least once a week. She started to get depressed and she wanted help and she went to therapy and her friends ridiculed her for it and it demoralized her from going so she didn't get what she wanted fixed and I guess it built up enough to where it's effecting more than just her feelings. She's going out drinking and not being responsible at work taking most of the week off anymore. That isn't like her. When we were together we were pretty responsible and took everything seriously, but her moving out of her parents house finally might've just let the freedom get to her but I truly don't know.

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I feel I've read about this before, and that your gf's recklessness has been going on for some time now.

 

In your own words it sounds as if your gf is not responsible for her behavior. But only she can be responsible for her body, her mind, her integrity, her health and wellness. Think of saying to yourself, this is the behavior she chooses. I love her, but may need more distance while she is making these choices.

 

Where does that get you, when you reframe your thoughts in a way that allows her to own her choices (and you to own yours)?

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