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Thread: get away right?

  1. #1
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    get away right?

    to keep it short, my spouse has been threatening divorce the last few months when a disagreement happens. to be fair, i realize we all say things we don't mean when angry but it's getting to the point where i don't want to hear that statement anymore unless they truly mean it (which i have expressed to them). the main argument has been lack of communication on my spouses part, which they have agreed is the case.

    they are not open to counseling and have recently talked about splitting up our assets and helping me move out. they come home late every night and one night didn't even come home. i'm not one to beg, my spouse knows i want to work it out and save our marriage but i'm not going to beg for someone to love me let alone stay married to me.

    here's my question, i have a place to stay as long as i need and i'm thinking i'm going to do that (they don't know where it is, i'd keep it that way so they couldn't come around bothering me). i just cant be around them when this is what's going through their mind, it's painful. passing each other in our home is awkward for me because i don't know how to act, so i just stay quiet.

    the random problem is that they still want to have sex with me, call me pet names, hug me, ask me how i'm doing throughout the day, and tell me to have a good day with a kiss. confusing right? No! it's annoying to me. you either want me as your spouse or you don't! thus why i want to go stay with a friend and get away from this torture.

    i hate even posting this on the internet but i guess i'm just looking for support from outside parties. i really feel like no one should have to put up with a spouse who threatens divorce and talks about how divorce proceedings would work. when that is going on and they don't want to put in the effort to work it out, you should just go and get some space to protect your heart and think clearly.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I don't think you should go anywhere. I think both of you are not in the right frame of mind. Your husband may be threatening divorce because it's a manipulative tactic and a way to get a reaction out of you but he's not serious about it. You seem to react to it every time. Let him think what he needs to think and say what he needs to say and resist the urge to react to every item he presents to you. Come back to this at a better time when both of you are less heated or emotional.

  3. #3
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    Your spouse is a total mind f*ck! You need to get out of there, as he is manipulative and does not want to work on the relationship. You need to act, this is very unhealthy. I hope that you are not sleeping with him?

    How did the problems start?

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Go to therapy for yourself.
    My ex wouldn't go, so I went. It helped me get some very much needed clarity about things going on in my marriage. It gave me some tools to cope and tools to communicate in a way that felt respectful and empowering. It didn't change a thing, mind you. It just got worse. But I got clear with myself and became more grounded.

    At some point he agreed to couples counseling, but he only did as a power move assuming I would stop seeing my individual counselor. But no, that wasn't the agreement. We went a couple times and with a 3rd person in the room, I could see the mess they were witnessing. At home alone with him, I was too close to be objective.

    What counseling showed me. . was the door. . .The door I walked out of.

    Look. . . I am not sure what to tell you, other than whatever you two are doing is not working. So you will need to do something else. I support you moving out, but you need to be prepared for him to sweet talk you and try to wear you down. You've done this cycle enough and it only leads you two back where you started.

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    You seem to react to it every time. Let him think what he needs to think and say what he needs to say and resist the urge to react to every item he presents to you. Come back to this at a better time when both of you are less heated or emotional.
    i haven't reacted to anything or become heated/emotional? Not sure where you got this from?

    yes we've had arguments but my spouse has agreed that they are the result of their lack of communication, etc. the only thing i've expressed when they threaten divorce, is that i don't want that. so far i haven't really done much of anything since counseling is off the table as they don't want to try that.

    my only action at this point would be staying somewhere else so i can think clearly.

  7. #6
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Your spouse is a total mind f*ck! You need to get out of there, as he is manipulative and does not want to work on the relationship. You need to act, this is very unhealthy. I hope that you are not sleeping with him?

    How did the problems start?
    nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate. i'm not mean about it, i just say it's not a good time for us right now.

    honestly, i'm not sure. they just started working late all the time and not giving me specific times as to when they'd be home. i got sick of making dinner only to eat it alone and clean everything up on my own as well. so i just stopped making dinner eventually. we didn't fight about dinner not being made. the arguments were more about how i wasn't kept in the loop of their schedule so i could plan my evening accordingly. and that has bleed into weekends, etc. i'm actually by myself a lot these days, as they are off with friends or something (i don't really know cuz i don't want to ask and then fight about it so i stay quiet).

  8. #7
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would contact an attorney before you go anywhere .

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    This may come down to a matter of personal preference and respect your desire to find a safe or quiet(er) place to think. This is in response to post #5. I would have to caution you about leaving the marital home in general. If you are searching for peace of mind I don't think it's helpful to add to the instability by leaving the house unless you fear for your personal safety. You're requesting for stability in an unstable place by responding with instability.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    nope, i have declined sex every time they have tried to initiate. i'm not mean about it, i just say it's not a good time for us right now.

    honestly, i'm not sure. they just started working late all the time and not giving me specific times as to when they'd be home. i got sick of making dinner only to eat it alone and clean everything up on my own as well. so i just stopped making dinner eventually. we didn't fight about dinner not being made. the arguments were more about how i wasn't kept in the loop of their schedule so i could plan my evening accordingly. and that has bleed into weekends, etc. i'm actually by myself a lot these days, as they are off with friends or something (i don't really know cuz i don't want to ask and then fight about it so i stay quiet).
    deleted. . . . . . .

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself

    Look. . . I am not sure what to tell you, other than whatever you two are doing is not working. So you will need to do something else. I support you moving out, but you need to be prepared for him to sweet talk you and try to wear you down. You've done this cycle enough and it only leads you two back where you started.
    yes, it's not working and i'm sad all the time but i don't let my spouse see that. i'm not moving out because if i did that my spouse could claim i abandoned the marriage. therefore, i'm just going to stay with a friend for a while. i want the space to be away from my spouse so i can get strong and not have to endure this "emotional abuse" daily. the witnessing of going back and forth on their thoughts is torture. i feel like distance will help me to decide what to do next.

    we've never done the cycle of me leaving only for my spouse to try and bring me back because i've never left. in fact, the last real conversation we had was about divorce proceeds. but the last week, when my spouse is home, they do all the opposite gestures to lead me to be confused.

    i thought when people wanted to leave you they didn't want to have sex and snuggle and call you pet names etc.? thus why i want to stay somewhere else, i can't keep living in this confusion.

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