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Thread: get away right?

  1. #81
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

    But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.

    Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?
    Originally Posted by Purdy
    i'm wondering if he hasn't done any actual steps as of yet, is because he wants to try separation first? i remember he did say something along those lines a few weeks ago. could this be why he's still kissing me goodbye and using pet names still? maybe he's unsure of what he wants?

    also an update, we watched about 2hrs of TV last night together (he asked me to join him). his interaction with me was like nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary. it's so confusing...my heart is breaking and he's living in this normal world it seems.

  2. #82
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

    But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.
    i guess i need to hear this, you're right about these things but i'm not afraid to be alone. i'm afraid to lose my husband because i still love him. i know that's so stupid, i've already lost him. it's painful


    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?
    i'm not sure what you're getting at here? these are some harsh words towards someone you don't know and is going through a rough time.

  3. #83
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    He may have seen an attorney and was told it's "cheaper to keep her".

    My friend's cheating husband did that. He was having one affair after another and even moved to another state so he didn't have to spend time with her or their child. She had access to a lot of his info (saved to the cloud) and she saw he had seen an attorney. He had been telling friends he was excited because he would soon be "free". But after the attorney visit he suddenly wanted to come home and was playing nice. The attorney had told him (apparently) how much a divorce and subsequent spousal support and child support would cost him. So he chose to stay in the marriage and just keep having affairs.

    So, my friend divorced HIM. She finally found her missing backbone and realized that just because SHE loved HIM, that wouldn't make him want to be a decent husband to her.

    Your love for him isn't enough to stop him from straying and staying out until all hours. He's throwing you just enough crumbs to keep you from filing for divorce so HE can do whatever he wants on his terms. I mean look, watching TV together for 2 hours has given you hope! Sadly, it's not because he wants to stay and work on improving the marriage. He's already proved that.

    Can you find the strength to divorce him? Or does 30-40 more years of living like you are now sound appealing?

  4. #84
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    figureitout23, you have not read all my posts so i will address what you are saying...
    I have not done what you are accusing me of. Yes, there have been times I pretend to be asleep but as I stated below, I have used words as well.


    Also, yes i'm home alone most of the time. but as i've addressed in previous posts (see below) we do still see each other for a few minutes a day. And it's not like him and i haven't talked about divorcing steps and what follows, we have. but neither of us have actually gone thru with anything. he just comes and goes from the home, still sleeps in the same bed as me. he hasn't come to me with names of attorneys to discuss mediation/divorce etc and nor have i because obviously i don't want to divorce. i love my husband as weak as that makes me look. i love him and i'm wanting to get some space so i can get some strength back to face this. hope i'm making sense.
    Purdy Iím sorry, again it canít be both.

    You see each other 5 minutes at a time.... you tell him no when he asks for sex.... or you pretend to be asleep.

    YOU made all three statements, not me.

    I did and currently now even more thing youíre exaggerating these circumstances. Not necessarily purposefully but because youíre in pain so itís how you are viewing things through your lens. what I imagine is actually happening is heís checked out and barely engages with you anymore and thatís painful, heís probably asked for sex a few times in the beginning of this whole thing, which is why it was brought up, I think the whole ĎI pretend to be asleepí thing was well dramatics you added because people were telling you, your situation wasnít as dire as you seem to feel it is. Iím sure you have pretended to be asleep to avoid the pain of interacting with him, but again itís not nearly as dramatic as you are viewing it.

    You wanting to retreat to your friends house has always made perfect sense to me Purdy... as another human being I get why youíre doing it, what Iím saying is during this time donít give into your emotions so much that they are leading you to make decisions, stop hiding and face him. You two havenít discussed any of this yet so why are you running? Discuss all this and then stay with the friend and come up with a game plan, I personally think your actions right now are to get a reaction

    Case in point your latest update:

    Originally Posted by Purdy
    i'm wondering if he hasn't done any actual steps as of yet, is because he wants to try separation first? i remember he did say something along those lines a few weeks ago. could this be why he's still kissing me goodbye and using pet names still? maybe he's unsure of what he wants?

    also an update, we watched about 2hrs of TV last night together (he asked me to join him). his interaction with me was like nothing was wrong or out of the ordinary. it's so confusing...my heart is breaking and he's living in this normal world it seems.
    Iím not even going to respond to the latest because wiseman nailed it:

    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you're willing to turn a blind eye to cheating and verbal abuse to desperately hang on at any cost. You want to sleep together, you look for any crumb of attention and are talking yourself into whatever you want to believe. Which is he's bluffing again about divorce and he still loves me and everything will be wonderful again. That's fine.

    But then don't run away and camp out at friends because you're afraid to be home alone when he's out having affairs or trying to get away from you or when you nag and argue and he again tells you "shut up I want a divorce, hell, I'll even help you move out". You seem ok with this because it's less horrifying to you than being alone.

    Still don't understand the gender gymnastics, since the advice is the same either way. Are you usually this deliberately vague, misleading, manipulative and uncommunicative?
    This was always about getting a reaction out of him, always.

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  6. #85
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    He may have seen an attorney and was told it's "cheaper to keep her".

    Can you find the strength to divorce him? Or does 30-40 more years of living like you are now sound appealing?
    we talked about him talking to an attorney and what would happen should the divorce go through. he understands that things would need to be split based on the law. in fact, it was something we talked about in depth this weekend.

    I don't want to live the rest of my life like this let alone another 30-40yrs but divorce is such a tragic process. i'm going to need more time to process it all. i know i sound weak to all of you, but it's very hard letting go of someone you love. it takes me time to digest things, it's just in my nature. especially something of this magnitude.

    i ended up only staying one night with my friend only to return home the following day at lunch time. i got some strength back and was able to sit down and have a conversation about "us" even though i could feel his resistance. it was very difficult but i did it. heard things i didn't want to hear, and even got somewhat a glimmer of hope but here i am today back in the same place. a broken heart and processing this upcoming devastating event in my life.

  7. #86
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    I did and currently now even more thing youíre exaggerating these circumstances.

    This was always about getting a reaction out of him, always.
    figureitout23, i'm sorry you don't believe me but the circumstances are true as i've told them. i know it doesn't make sense to you but what i say has happened is true. i don't want to keep going back and forth over it as it's not the point of my thread. i don't want to argue.

    also, me going to a friends home was not about getting a reaction out of him. it WAS to get away and get some strength back which is what happened for the one night i was gone. when i returned home i was able to have the difficult conversation with him. sadly i'm still just as confused as before and heartbroken. i didn't really get any definite answers to where our marriage will end up.

  8. #87
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    we talked about him talking to an attorney and what would happen should the divorce go through. he understands that things would need to be split based on the law. in fact, it was something we talked about in depth this weekend.

    I don't want to live the rest of my life like this let alone another 30-40yrs but divorce is such a tragic process. i'm going to need more time to process it all. i know i sound weak to all of you, but it's very hard letting go of someone you love. it takes me time to digest things, it's just in my nature. especially something of this magnitude.

    i ended up only staying one night with my friend only to return home the following day at lunch time. i got some strength back and was able to sit down and have a conversation about "us" even though i could feel his resistance. it was very difficult but i did it. heard things i didn't want to hear, and even got somewhat a glimmer of hope but here i am today back in the same place. a broken heart and processing this upcoming devastating event in my life.
    Sometimes you have to go into crisis mode. Just until you get the logistics and legalities worked out. Then you can take some time to mourn.

    Survival mode.

  9. #88
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    Sometimes you have to go into crisis mode. Just until you get the logistics and legalities worked out. Then you can take some time to mourn.

    Survival mode.
    this is fair, i just don't want to rush into something like this only to have regrets later. divorce regret is a real thing and it terrifies me. he hasn't done anything as of yet, other than speak to an attorney (as have i). i know i'm just wasting more time only for the inevitable to happen but i don't want to be the one to end our marriage. it's not what i want.

  10. #89
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    we talked about him talking to an attorney
    Unless you have an amicable divorce, you would need to have an attorney of your own.
    His attorney will represent him and his best interests. If you two do decision choose to use one, you are to go to the attorney appt's as well.
    Do not leave this up to him.

  11. #90
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    this is fair, i just don't want to rush into something like this only to have regrets later. divorce regret is a real thing and it terrifies me. he hasn't done anything as of yet, other than speak to an attorney (as have i). i know i'm just wasting more time only for the inevitable to happen but i don't want to be the one to end our marriage. it's not what i want.
    So your plan is to stick around until he decides to serve you with divorce papers?

    Can you live like this for possibly several more years?

    What would he have to do for you to decide to divorce HIM?

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