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Thread: get away right?

  1. #61
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    I canít respond to all the things everyone has brought up to the extent I want right now as I want to get to bed before my spouse gets home. Iím trying to avoid interaction with them because I just donít want to be confused more by their advances towards me.

    I know itís strange but you have no idea what itís like to have someone who has literally talked about divorcing you, taken off their ring, said they are not in-love with you, etc to also at the same time try to have sex and cuddle you at night. I know you may think Iím leaving something out, but itís the truth. These are the things happening to me.

    Lastly, I didnít want to reveal my gender as I didnít think it was relevant (the situation doesnít change based on my gender) but now Iím getting LGBTQ comments and so to clear this up. This is a heterosexual relationship.

    Iím a female and this is my husband who is doing this. Who wants a divorce.

    I know this is hard to understand, but Iím not making this up. This is the dynamic of what is going on. He knows I love him and donít want a divorce, but he has made clear thatís his wishes.

    what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce? Itís crazy right? None of it makes sense but thatís what heís been doing. But I hold strong and pretend to be asleep and the one time he did try it and I was awake I responded with, itís not a good idea basically.

    I donít want to cause a fight with him. Iím too weak to fight and Iím afraid Iíll drop to the floor and cry in front of him. So I go to bed before he gets home and try to avoid him. Like Iím doing now, night.
    Sex and emotions are two different things, this is why he can isolate the two. He is horny. This makes him even more of a dirtbag!

  2. #62
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

    Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

    I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

    Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.
    Agree with this.

    Youíre a grown woman.

    I understand this is an emotionally trying time but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and give yourself a voice.

    You have every right to tell this man you do not want to have sex.

    You have every right to ask for space.

    You have every right to discuss the state of your marriage.

    You have every right to discuss TEMPORARY living arraignment.

    But this cowering in a corner to lick your wounds and running away...girl... you gotta stop...

  3. #63
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Agree with this.

    Youíre a grown woman.

    I understand this is an emotionally trying time but you owe it to yourself to stand up for yourself and give yourself a voice.

    You have every right to tell this man you do not want to have sex.

    You have every right to ask for space.

    You have every right to discuss the state of your marriage.

    You have every right to discuss TEMPORARY living arraignment.

    But this cowering in a corner to lick your wounds and running away...girl... you gotta stop...
    I agree! Time to get your self respect back. You have been a doormat too long. And, why doesn't he leave the house?

  4. #64
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sadly you're in denial. You need an attorney. Have you asked him why he wants a divorce?
    Originally Posted by Purdy
    He knows I love him and donít want a divorce, but he has made clear thatís his wishes. what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce?

  5.  

  6. #65
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Sadly you're in denial. You need an attorney. Have you asked him why he wants a divorce?
    He is not in love with her and wants to hang with his friends.

    How old is this guy?

  7. #66
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    What lawyer told you that?

    I was in my own place before the divorce proceedings started in my divorce, didnít affect it, the only thing it affected was the separation of assets which is why Iím saying be careful about leaving your marital home, judges often let you keep what you already have ie vehicles etc. If you donít own your home then not much to worry about.

    Iím not ignoring what youíre saying about your emotional health. I will repeat when it comes to divorce emotions are high and it can cause a lot of confusion, itís a hard time, not ignoring that, I think just leaving without a plan is doing yourself an emotional disservice. Yes a change of scenery will give you a much needed break but your reality will still be there, by couch surfing you arenít actually taking any steps forward, youíre just making a haphazard chess move, Iím sorry, Iím just looking at this objectively, youíre acting on emotion, not logic, heís barely there according to you. Are you ending this relationship? Then end it. Once that buttons pressed, itís pressed. I donít think youíd be posting if you werenít sure which Iím sorry to me means things arenít as black and white as youíre painting them, I still donít get why you arenít going to discuss your decision to move out with him, youíre discussing it with us, discuss it with him, discuss divorce with him, discuss your future with him, not us.

    I get you want emotional support, it sounds like you have people around willing to help which is amazing lean on them, continue to get support here but face your reality.
    ok back to try and address some of these things...

    A very reputable lawyer told me. i CANNOT just up and move out without some sort of separation agreement with my husband. this would be the safest way to protect myself from losing anything. essentially, it would ensure that we have a legal agreement to how things will be divided (money, home, furniture, 401k, etc) per the divorce. if i just up and move out, i could risk losing things. these are the laws for where i'm located (again did my research and spoke with a lawyer about it so i don't do anything stupid).

    i'm not leaving without a plan, nor am i actually "leaving" or "moving out". i'm just wanting to stay somewhere else for a little bit. packing a bag with some clothes for work, casual wear, sleeping, etc. isn't leaving. i don't even have a suitcase big enough to stay somewhere for an extended period of time. i'd probably have to come back every 4-5days and get new clothes.

    nor am i couch surfing. i'm staying in one place. the friend has a whole separate living level. i'd have my own bathroom, kitchenette, bed, couch, tv, etc.

    the plan i have is to get away and get my head together, get some space, and prepare myself to start the divorce proceedings.

    yes, he's barley home but when he is home it's painful for me. i don't want to be sleeping next to him. i don't want him to keep trying to confuse me. i don't want to know when he is and isn't home. i just want to have nothing to do with him right now.

    just this morning he was trying to talk to me about what's going on at work for him right now. i was neutral and said things like "that sounds good" and "the project sounds interesting" but that's about all i said. is this making sense? i don't want him to have access to me when he feels like it.

  8. #67
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one..

    Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.
    i'm not fantasizing, i've talked to an attorney and now have an appointment to meet face to face in 2wks.

    yes i'm probably avoiding, but i'm heartbroken. this isn't what i want. it's taken a lot to call attorneys, speak with one and get an appointment. then i also had to find somewhere to stay just to get away. all these little steps were very difficult but i'm doing them as best i can.

  9. #68
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in the marital home but I also think you may be confusing yourself further by leaving it because you will be undermining yourself and your belief in the marriage and your views against a divorce in general.

    I also think your desire to leave is a little peculiar and I'm not sure if you're also experiencing guilt in some form. If your spouse doesn't like you that much or wants to end the marriage, wouldn't it work the other way - the person doing the emotional leaving should be feeling more pressed to leave out of guilt or desire to move on? In other words, why isn't your spouse leaving the home? Why are you the one packing your bags? Like FIO, I feel there are parts of the story missing and you don't have to share it or if makes you uncomfortable.

    The issues here seem to stem from lack of communication and neglect. That neglect is breaking you down but it still doesn't bridge the gap for me or justify the extreme in physically relocating.
    my views against divorce with my husband don't really matter, he wants this not me. whether i stay somewhere else or not will not change him wanting a divorce.

    well of course i have guilt, what person doesn't when their spouse wants a divorce. i'm pretty sure everyone feels like they've failed when divorce is on the table. i've been beating myself up for weeks, asking myself what i did wrong, trying to find situations that caused this. i can't seem to find anything so significant that would have caused this.

    we have amazing sex (my husband has always said this and still says it), i don't live off my husband as i have my own career and make good money, i'm in great shape at 31yrs, i take care of myself and always get compliments from strangers who think i'm still in college and i have to correct them. i'm not saying looks and money keep a marriage but when i read these stories about men being unattracted to their wives and that they let themselves go i don't see myself in that situation. his friends tell him i'm out of his league and he just laughs and says "i have the hottest wife of all of us and you're all jealous".

    the only thing i can think of is that he is bored and wants the exciting feeling of a new relationship or wants to have the single life.

    he doesn't want to leave the home. he has said he doesn't want to inconvenience his friends/family with our problems. maybe he just doesn't want them to know what's going on? i don't know what's going thru his head but i can't stay living like this with him.

  10. #69
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

    Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

    I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

    Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.
    i see, i didn't know people are like that still even when they have affairs. i always thought if there were someone else, their spouse would be repulsive to them. guess i was wrong.

    yea it wouldn't be good to just up and move out, but the attorney said i could tell him i'm staying with a friend and that would be fine. so essentially, all my belongings will still be in the home, but my suitcase and some clothes will not. i'm only going to pack 3 or 4 outfits to start.

    i have said no to sex but we haven't had an official conversation about boundaries yet, i haven't been strong enough to. i'm hoping being away will help me to get to that next step.

  11. #70
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Sex and emotions are two different things, this is why he can isolate the two. He is horny. This makes him even more of a dirtbag!
    i will never understand how people can isolate those two things. i'm just not built that way. but i guess it shouldn't surprise me he's like this. he has always said we have the best sex life and i meet all his needs in that department. he's even gone so far to say he'll probably never find another woman with my "anatomy".

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