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Thread: get away right?

  1. #51
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I think getting a little distance is exactly what you need to gain some clarity on this.
    Yea, Iím not an expert in divorce and have never been thru this. When you breakup with a boyfriend/girlfriend Itís not the same as ending a marriage. This hurts so much more and I just want to grieve alone and not do it around the life we built.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely.
    .
    Her plan was to get away for week or a few days. No mention of indefinitely.
    IMO staying in that home where the dynamic is toxic is causing her to emotionally spiral down a drain.

    I think a short break, being around people who support her will do her some good.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I agree with the above from Rose.

    Honestly you seem to have put more thought into hiding your gender than into what your game plan is.

    Why are you moving out?

    To get his attention?

    As a Hail Mary?

    I ask because you say things like Ďwell Iím not sure how long it will be a week a month, thatís the words of someone using moving out as a bargaining chip hoping the other person will cave and change.

    Will not work, at least not in the long term.

    Communicate and talk.

    Donít just disappear like a thief in the night, thatís you stooping to his level, itís childish and shows a lack of maturity, it makes you even as far as hurtful actions which maybe thatís your goal.

    I say communicate and talk if divorce is imminent, actually move out, you have financial resources why stay on a couch? Get yourself a place, it will make this transition that much easier for you.

    Donít call his bluff with moving though you will only further damage your marriage. Thereís no point, if youíre trying to save the marriage talk, if there is no saving it have an actual game plan before you leave your marital home and give him all the rights to it. Even if heís leaving his ring around heís there 5 minutes at a time right? I really and truly think youíre in your emotions and acting emotionally...

    I know itís hard but with divorce you have to think with your head not your heart and if you canít then you arenít ready to go through with it. Be mindful of everything you do, Iím sorry itís come to this, divorce is such an emotionally trying to. Think through your actions and choices, you very rarely can undo them.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
    Thank you for your thoughts on this, but Iím not taking space for anything other than my mental sanity, honestly. My spouse doesnít want to talk about us and rolls their eyes when I want to try. You canít talk to someone who doesnít want to hear you or participate.

    Per a lawyer I canít just move up and out and get my own place without a legal document of separation, essentially getting the divorce going. Which is hard for me to digest right now while living here day in and out.

    I mean it, the only move Iím making is protecting my mental health and heart. When I had breakups in the past it was easier to get over them when I wasnít around them and it made me stronger.

    If my spouse came running back, I donít even know what Iíd do. Iím so hurt by all theyíve done by this point. I really donít think this marriage will recover. The words they have said will never be erased from me let alone the actions. The night they didnít come home, I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning to them coming in the bedroom, I curled up in a ball begging God to protect my heart because I didnít want to hear that they cheated on me, etc. I just wanted to be held but my spouse just said ďgood morningĒ. It was such a 180 from what I was feeling.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    Thank you for your thoughts on this, but Iím not taking space for anything other than my mental sanity, honestly. My spouse doesnít want to talk about us and rolls their eyes when I want to try. You canít talk to someone who doesnít want to hear you or participate.

    Per a lawyer I canít just move up and out and get my own place without a legal document of separation, essentially getting the divorce going. Which is hard for me to digest right now while living here day in and out.

    I mean it, the only move Iím making is protecting my mental health and heart. When I had breakups in the past it was easier to get over them when I wasnít around them and it made me stronger.

    If my spouse came running back, I donít even know what Iíd do. Iím so hurt by all theyíve done by this point. I really donít think this marriage will recover. The words they have said will never be erased from me let alone the actions. The night they didnít come home, I cried myself to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning to them coming in the bedroom, I curled up in a ball begging God to protect my heart because I didnít want to hear that they cheated on me, etc. I just wanted to be held but my spouse just said ďgood morningĒ. It was such a 180 from what I was feeling.
    What lawyer told you that?

    I was in my own place before the divorce proceedings started in my divorce, didnít affect it, the only thing it affected was the separation of assets which is why Iím saying be careful about leaving your marital home, judges often let you keep what you already have ie vehicles etc. If you donít own your home then not much to worry about.

    Iím not ignoring what youíre saying about your emotional health. I will repeat when it comes to divorce emotions are high and it can cause a lot of confusion, itís a hard time, not ignoring that, I think just leaving without a plan is doing yourself an emotional disservice. Yes a change of scenery will give you a much needed break but your reality will still be there, by couch surfing you arenít actually taking any steps forward, youíre just making a haphazard chess move, Iím sorry, Iím just looking at this objectively, youíre acting on emotion, not logic, heís barely there according to you. Are you ending this relationship? Then end it. Once that buttons pressed, itís pressed. I donít think youíd be posting if you werenít sure which Iím sorry to me means things arenít as black and white as youíre painting them, I still donít get why you arenít going to discuss your decision to move out with him, youíre discussing it with us, discuss it with him, discuss divorce with him, discuss your future with him, not us.

    I get you want emotional support, it sounds like you have people around willing to help which is amazing lean on them, continue to get support here but face your reality.

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  6. #55
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    Thanks Hollyj, your support means a lot to me. Really it does.
    Please just end this. For your own sanity.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one.. You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.

    Right now you are merely running away, you're not dealing with anything. Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.
    Originally Posted by Purdy
    ďI found a mediator for the divorce, whatís your schedule so we can set this upĒ.

  8. #57
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Make sure you divide things up appropriately and manage the financial end with a mediator/attorney and don't just fantasize about seeing one.. You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.

    Right now you are merely running away, you're not dealing with anything. Yes you can avoid and camp out at friends but you are simply delaying the inevitable which will increase your pain and impair your healing. You need to face the fact that she wants out and found someone else.
    Precisely what Iím trying to say, thanks wiseman.

  9. #58
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    I wouldnít stay with them indefinitely, it would be for as long as I needed. I know I cannot stop a divorce from happening and like Iíve been saying Iím not going to beg. But being around my spouse is heartbreaking for me because I still love them.

    Living around our shared things, knowing Im still able to run into them and smell them everywhere, itís difficult. Youíre right, I donít want it to end but I know I canít stop it so I want to be away from them. So I can accept this and get the gut to HAVE the conversation of, ďI found a mediator for the divorce, whatís your schedule so we can set this upĒ.

    Iím not leaving to scare them. Iím leaving to deal with this divorce alone, so I can cry in my own space without fear of them seeing how much pain Iím in. But I do understand your thoughts on my leaving.
    For as long as you need means it's indefinite. No one knows how long you'll need and you haven't made it clear to yourself either. I don't sense anyone is afraid, least of all your spouse, going by his/her behaviours and actions.

    For your level of agitation and emotion, I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in the marital home but I also think you may be confusing yourself further by leaving it because you will be undermining yourself and your belief in the marriage and your views against a divorce in general. You seem to be exhibiting signs of a nervous breakdown which concerns me. I'd encourage you to speak to a counsellor or someone to help you manage your grief and reaction to change. I also think your desire to leave is a little peculiar and I'm not sure if you're also experiencing guilt in some form. If your spouse doesn't like you that much or wants to end the marriage, wouldn't it work the other way - the person doing the emotional leaving should be feeling more pressed to leave out of guilt or desire to move on? In other words, why isn't your spouse leaving the home? Why are you the one packing your bags? Like FIO, I feel there are parts of the story missing and you don't have to share it or if makes you uncomfortable. If there are or aren't anyway, it doesn't invalidate your feelings in wanting to leave. If you feel you should, please never allow yourself to stay in a detrimental or debilitating situation.

    I hope you have a chance to make peace with your emotions. I am not telling you what to do but I am offering my own perspective. It would take a great deal more for me to contemplate reversing my views and beliefs. The issues here seem to stem from lack of communication and neglect. That neglect is breaking you down but it still doesn't bridge the gap for me or justify the extreme in physically relocating. I think this is a sensitive subject if we begin to discuss the your mental health or your situation in the sense of a nervous breakdown. You need a lot more help than a forum can provide if we're discussing mental health issues and a possible emotional breakdown to the point where you are feeling unable to care for yourself.

  10. #59
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You also must see a therapist alone and privately who is LGBT trained and specializes in the complexities you are experiencing.
    I canít respond to all the things everyone has brought up to the extent I want right now as I want to get to bed before my spouse gets home. Iím trying to avoid interaction with them because I just donít want to be confused more by their advances towards me.

    I know itís strange but you have no idea what itís like to have someone who has literally talked about divorcing you, taken off their ring, said they are not in-love with you, etc to also at the same time try to have sex and cuddle you at night. I know you may think Iím leaving something out, but itís the truth. These are the things happening to me.

    Lastly, I didnít want to reveal my gender as I didnít think it was relevant (the situation doesnít change based on my gender) but now Iím getting LGBTQ comments and so to clear this up. This is a heterosexual relationship.

    Iím a female and this is my husband who is doing this. Who wants a divorce.

    I know this is hard to understand, but Iím not making this up. This is the dynamic of what is going on. He knows I love him and donít want a divorce, but he has made clear thatís his wishes.

    what man/woman desires a divorce only to want to keep having sex with the person they want to divorce? Itís crazy right? None of it makes sense but thatís what heís been doing. But I hold strong and pretend to be asleep and the one time he did try it and I was awake I responded with, itís not a good idea basically.

    I donít want to cause a fight with him. Iím too weak to fight and Iím afraid Iíll drop to the floor and cry in front of him. So I go to bed before he gets home and try to avoid him. Like Iím doing now, night.

  11. #60
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    People who have affairs still have sex with their spouses. I think they either figure "why not, they're right there" or they do it to keep their spouse off balance. OR, they are worried about losing everything in a divorce and are "playing nice". No matter the reason, it's not for your benefit but for their own.

    Your husband is fine with the situation. You are not.

    I disagree that leaving the marital home will not affect the divorce. It absolutely could. So what I would do is tell your husband you're staying with a friend for a while. Tell your attorney too (maybe even type up a statement) so it's clear you are not moving out.

    Then work on being more expressive of your needs. You can say no to sex. You can tell him you're not comfortable with hugs or pet names.

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