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Thread: get away right?

  1. #41
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Your spouse does not love you. He is not around and does not treat you with any kind of love or respect. He is done. You need to accept this. He has told you in no uncertain terms.

    Get the divorce. This is all you need to know:"i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you,"

    Who owns the house?
    thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

    we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.

  2. #42
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I am really sorry but it appears your partner is feeding you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you from leaving. Yes, please go stay with a friend and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don't stick around for any of this nonsense any longer.

    Close the door so they can't come back and play with your head anymore.
    THIS!!!! i needed to hear this from others because that's what I've been EXACTLY thinking as to why they are doing this back and forth, BREADCRUMBS! i'm glad it's not all in my head, thus why i wanted to leave. i DON'T WANT ANYMORE BREADCRUMBS!

    i want to get angry and stop crying, i need to get out of that house so i can see it from afar and not be so upset that i'm losing a marriage that doesn't even exist!! does this make sense?

  3. #43
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

    we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.
    if they've gone as far as come up with how to fairly divide things, then I don't know how much more you need to know.

    I get the endearing comments they make confuse you. It's like you are getting two conflicting messages.

    So, if you really want to know what's going on, watch their actions.
    This persons actions clearly scream their real intention.
    The rest is just noise.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    THIS!!!! i needed to hear this from others because that's what I've been EXACTLY thinking as to why they are doing this back and forth, BREADCRUMBS! i'm glad it's not all in my head, thus why i wanted to leave. i DON'T WANT ANYMORE BREADCRUMBS!

    i want to get angry and stop crying, i need to get out of that house so i can see it from afar and not be so upset that i'm losing a marriage that doesn't even exist!! does this make sense?
    I think getting a little distance is exactly what you need to gain some clarity on this.

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  6. #45
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

    The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.

  7. #46
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    thank you Hollyj, i NEED to read these things to make me stronger. you are 100% right. i wouldn't have called the attorney if i didnt' think this was real. i made the call and know what will happen, so now i'm just playing my cards for my mental state. thus why i want to leave so i can get strong and not be around them for a while...i need them out of sight so i can go thru with this.

    we both own it but my spouse agreed to buy me out so that wouldn't be a problem. i'd end the marriage with no debt and some major cash in my bank account, which the attorney said would be the case too if that's how we wanted to go about it. i could get a small apartment close to my work and just start life over, i'd be fine in that regard.
    I am sorry, honey. You are making the right decision. You deserve so much more than this.

  8. #47
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

    The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.
    She is miserable being around him. It is affecting her mental health. He is also playing games. He tells her he does not love her, wants to split assets and is rarely around. When he is around he tries to get sex and is flirtatious, This is terrible. She need stop end this, even if she doesn't want to.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    The reason why I'm skeptical of leaving the home is that I'm not certain if you'll come to any clarity outside of it. At this time your stressors seem to be external but they are only verbal. His acts of intimacy don't seem to be posing any physical threat to your personal safety. If you are uncomfortable with physical intimacy you might ask for respect and establish that you're not comfortable being intimate until the both of you speak genuinely and openly about your problems. You haven't mentioned establishing boundaries on your part. It appears that you seem to be leaving the situation and this has triggered a fight/flight response. While it may hit the pause button for you, you're not growing in your ability to work through that initial response and you also don't seem to be working on establishing your boundaries with your husband. This is not growing as a couple.

    I'm not sure we know enough about your situation to determine that your husband isn't willing to work on the marriage. He isn't the one leaving the family home. He seems to be the one initiating intimacy. He may be confusing, a little cheeky and manipulative in his arguments but he isn't actually causing you any physical or serious harm either.

    Without knowing too much about your situation, you're appearing a bit impulsive and it might not look very favourable on you in terms of your character or ability to work on the marriage either. I'm saying this out of your interests in mind, not to upset you.
    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way. Your convictions and clarity shouldn't change that drastically while away. I think it's your emotions that you need to figure out and I tend to think this can be solved with a good walk or a hike out for a few hours. It shouldn't involve packing bags in order to clear your head. This still seems extreme for what it is.

    The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass. What matters is what you do with yourself and with your life and what your convictions and your beliefs are. I'm not seeing the absence as any help to your ability to think clearly. It may seem that way at first and of course, it may boil down to different personalities and approaches. In my personal opinion regarding an absence, the impact is low and the inconvenience is high.
    I agree with the above from Rose.

    Honestly you seem to have put more thought into hiding your gender than into what your game plan is.

    Why are you moving out?

    To get his attention?

    As a Hail Mary?

    I ask because you say things like Ďwell Iím not sure how long it will be a week a month, thatís the words of someone using moving out as a bargaining chip hoping the other person will cave and change.

    Will not work, at least not in the long term.

    Communicate and talk.

    Donít just disappear like a thief in the night, thatís you stooping to his level, itís childish and shows a lack of maturity, it makes you even as far as hurtful actions which maybe thatís your goal.

    I say communicate and talk if divorce is imminent, actually move out, you have financial resources why stay on a couch? Get yourself a place, it will make this transition that much easier for you.

    Donít call his bluff with moving though you will only further damage your marriage. Thereís no point, if youíre trying to save the marriage talk, if there is no saving it have an actual game plan before you leave your marital home and give him all the rights to it. Even if heís leaving his ring around heís there 5 minutes at a time right? I really and truly think youíre in your emotions and acting emotionally...

    I know itís hard but with divorce you have to think with your head not your heart and if you canít then you arenít ready to go through with it. Be mindful of everything you do, Iím sorry itís come to this, divorce is such an emotionally trying to. Think through your actions and choices, you very rarely can undo them.

    Good luck with whatever you decide.
    Last edited by figureitout23; 08-21-2019 at 08:22 PM.

  10. #49
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    For all intents and purposes and while I feel your pain, I'm afraid I disagree about leaving or visiting/staying with your friend indefinitely. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want a divorce deep down. If your spouse wants to serve you papers or obtain a divorce, it will happen either way.

    The issue is you can't change what your spouse thinks or wants or has planned if he/she really wants to move on or experience a greener patch of grass.
    I wouldnít stay with them indefinitely, it would be for as long as I needed. I know I cannot stop a divorce from happening and like Iíve been saying Iím not going to beg. But being around my spouse is heartbreaking for me because I still love them.

    Living around our shared things, knowing Im still able to run into them and smell them everywhere, itís difficult. Youíre right, I donít want it to end but I know I canít stop it so I want to be away from them. So I can accept this and get the gut to HAVE the conversation of, ďI found a mediator for the divorce, whatís your schedule so we can set this upĒ.

    Iím not leaving to scare them. Iím leaving to deal with this divorce alone, so I can cry in my own space without fear of them seeing how much pain Iím in. But I do understand your thoughts on my leaving.

  11. #50
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    She is miserable being around him. It is affecting her mental health. He is also playing games. He tells her he does not love her, wants to split assets and is rarely around. When he is around he tries to get sex and is flirtatious, This is terrible. She need stop end this, even if she doesn't want to.
    Thanks Hollyj, your support means a lot to me. Really it does.

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