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Thread: get away right?

  1. #31
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    It doesn't matter which gender it is. Bad behavior is bad behavior. It just helps in responding. Kinda strange to refer o them as "they."
    yea sorry, it's just one person. i'm not married to multiple people haha

  2. #32
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    so one night, my spouse said they weren't coming home thru text (i didn't respond to it). then at midnight they came home and got in bed with me. we didn't talk about it the next day as they got up early and left. but before they left, they kissed me on the cheek and hugged me goodbye. it was very confusing.

    i feel like even if i did say, "don't come home" they would and would revel in that fact that they got me upset. thus why i just want to pack a bag and stay with a friend for a while.

    i will have to tell my spouse i'm staying with a friend and won't be home, so that it's not technically me abandoning the marriage per the attorney.
    I think that you have let this individual walk all over you, for too long. You have tolerated way too much. Sounds like you spouse is having an affair.

    This sounds awful.

  3. #33
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    You need to stand up for yourself.
    so it's good to pack up and stay with a friend right? i feel like i'm too weak in that house. i mean i'm not doing anything about anything right now, just wasting away. it's crazy that in the mornings i get up to brush my teeth and get ready for work and my spouse says "good morning" all happy like in the shower and asks how i slept and then hugs and kisses me goodbye. just last night at like 3am they tried to initiate sex with me!!?!?! what is going on?! i need to get out of there.

  4. #34
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I think that you have let this individual walk all over you, for too long. You have tolerated way too much. Sounds like you spouse is having an affair.

    This sounds awful.
    yes, i've concluded that too. but without evidence i have nothing. i have no way to prove it. it's the worst.

    but i will NOT beg or plead!! it was really hard to make the call to an attorney this week but i did it, now i feel like my next step is some space so i can get myself together before going thru with this divorce. i hate that i let it get this far, i hate looking weak.

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  6. #35
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I may have missed it earlier but I have a few questions, if you don't mind.

    You mentioned on page 2 not wanting a divorce. He wants a divorce. I'm not clear if you've spoken about it in detail. Has he mentioned any affairs or decisions or desires to pursue relationships outside the marriage? His comings and goings suggest he's emotionally checked out. I'm also not sure what your level of connection is like when you are both in the house. Do you have any meaningful conversations with each other at any time about the marriage?

    When you say you don't want a divorce, is this based on spiritual beliefs or fear of the unknown (ie. finances etc)? There is a lot of pain involved in talking about divorce and if I were in your place, I would want to understand the reasoning behind his idea of divorce and what his motivation for divorce is. He also seems to be operating on the basis that you are ok with the idea of divorce. Is there some miscommunication about this between the both of you or can this be clarified? Has he said anything about serving those papers or initiating the process?

    It would be very difficult to stay focused but I'd try and gather your resources and figure out your finances before bringing third parties (friends or family) into the scenario. This is a matter of personal preference. I find it clouds my head bringing other voices in and I don't end up doing the right thing for me. It's up to you.

  7. #36
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    Originally Posted by Purdy
    yes, i've concluded that too. but without evidence i have nothing. i have no way to prove it. it's the worst.

    but i will NOT beg or plead!! it was really hard to make the call to an attorney this week but i did it, now i feel like my next step is some space so i can get myself together before going thru with this divorce. i hate that i let it get this far, i hate looking weak.
    I am so sorry. It is even worse the way he is behaving.

    You need to put yourself first. Just focus on the fact that you are acting now, and did everything possible. Do you have a good support system?

  8. #37
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    Originally Posted by Rose Mosse
    I'm not clear if you've spoken about it in detail. Has he mentioned any affairs or decisions or desires to pursue relationships outside the marriage? I'm also not sure what your level of connection is like when you are both in the house. Do you have any meaningful conversations with each other at any time about the marriage?

    When you say you don't want a divorce, is this based on spiritual beliefs or fear of the unknown (ie. finances etc)? He also seems to be operating on the basis that you are ok with the idea of divorce. Is there some miscommunication about this between the both of you or can this be clarified? Has he said anything about serving those papers or initiating the process?

    It would be very difficult to stay focused but I'd try and gather your resources and figure out your finances before bringing third parties (friends or family) into the scenario.
    fair questions. . .

    i asked my spouse if they wanted a divorce because they wanted to find someone else, and they responded with "yea i'd like to see if there is someone out there for me. but i don't want anything serious right away." my spouses main reason they have told me for wanting a divorce is that they are not "in-love" with me anymore but they always clarify that they still love me. i did ask if they were having an affair but they declined and said they just wanted to be by themselves.

    the only time i've seen my spouse in the house (the last 2weeks) is in the morning and it's for maybe 2mins at most. that's when the pet names and kisses, hugs happen from them NOT me as i don't initiate them. i just go about my business to get ready for work. the last conversation i tried to have about our marriage was 2wks ago but they seemed annoyed to talk about "us" and kept pressing the divorce stuff. that's when they removed their wedding ring and it's been on the table since (insert me crying here).

    i don't want a divorce because i love my spouse, and i knew marriage was going to be work. that you just don't quit, you work through your problems. i think two people can get through anything, if they do the work. i meant my vows, i really truly meant till death do us part. i'm not worried about my finances with divorce, i would be ok. i have a great job, education and i would leave the divorce debt free as my spouse has already agreed that they wouldn't stick me with their debts as I do not have any.

    my spouse has talked about us going to do mediation to discuss splitting things up, even going so far to say that the would help me get restarted in life so i wouldn't struggle. but i really wouldn't struggle and they know that. i can very much take care of myself, i was taking care of myself long before they were in the picture, it was something that was important for me to do before getting married.

    their main reasoning seems to be "i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you, be in-love again" feels like a grass-is-greener syndrome if you ask me but i don't fight them on it. again i'm not going to beg and plead. i've explained this to them that i won't do any of those things but i don't want us to divorce because i know we could get through this if we both tried.

    so the friend i'm thinking to stay with is a friend of a friend. i didn't want to involve my immediate friends or family on this. the person who is willing to open their home to me, has a big house and plenty of space. they understand my dilemma and are happy to give me a place to sleep. in turn i'm willing to help them with their kids (they are a single parent) and cook/clean since they will not be charging me rent to stay there for a little while. i don't know how long i'd stay, a week, 2wks, a month, etc. i haven't made it that far yet in my thinking. but i could still go home to switch out clothes and get things i needed if necessary.

  9. #38
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I am so sorry. It is even worse the way he is behaving.

    You need to put yourself first. Just focus on the fact that you are acting now, and did everything possible. Do you have a good support system?
    yes, my friend who found me a place to stay has been such a help to me through this. plus i've always been good about going to church so i do that too. the music and just kneeling and praying has really helped me to get through these last two weeks. i mean sure i'm not eating much or sleeping and crying a lot but i'm staying strong around my spouse which is the one thing i feel i'm winning at. no tears, fighting, or crying are happening...and i'm not even reaching out them by phone or text when they are gone. i'm just letting them be. but i've had time to think about what i want to do and now that i've found a place to go, i've been planning to try that out and see if it will at least help me to start eating regularly again. my stomach is so messed up these days, it's hard to be hungry and enjoy food as you can imagine.

  10. #39
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    Your spouse does not love you. He is not around and does not treat you with any kind of love or respect. He is done. You need to accept this. He has told you in no uncertain terms.

    Get the divorce. This is all you need to know:"i want to be alone and be with my friends, not have to answer to you," He sounds like an azzhole! I also think he is having an affair,

    Who owns the house?

  11. #40
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am really sorry but it appears your partner is feeding you just enough breadcrumbs to keep you from leaving. At the same time they are living an entirely separate life from you. It's incredibly selfish of them to try to keep you while they slowly wean themselves from you. And you are willing participant in this dynamic and rewarding them for it by playing along.

    Taking off their ring, not coming home while at the same time kissing your cheek and calling you pet names seems like a very cruel head f*ck game to me.

    It's time you call them out on it. Yes, please go stay with a friend and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Don't stick around for any of this nonsense any longer.

    It takes two totally committed and willing people to make a marriage work. Only one of you is on board. The other one has left the room. Close the door so they can't come back and play with your head anymore.

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