I don’t want to move!

[Halowithspikes]

I met my husband 12 years ago, he was military and stationed in my hometown. We married and had a couple kids before he was medically retired. We ended up moving cross country (NV to IA) for a position he received. We were in Iowa for 5 years, our daughter was having major medical issues, and we were told she needed a certain test that wasn’t available there ( due to a very long waiting list). We ended up looking for another position in a different state to be able to get this for her. We landed back in NV, complications happened at his new job he took, and unfortunately he lost his job 2 days after we closed on our house.
He was unemployed for 5 months, before finding another position in NY! So, with no other option, we packed up and moved to NY. He originally like the job, but of course changes happened that he didn’t like, and he started looking for a different job again. So with only a year in NY, he took another job in TX! Thankfully I was able to get the test my daughter needed while we were in NY (we went to Boston)
While taking the TX job, I was excited to hear he had a 2 year contract. He had to stay with the company for 2 years, or he had to pay back the relocation.
Well. Guess what?! 2 year contract is up! And ding ding ding. He wants to move again. He doesn’t like the changes made at his job, and he wants out.
I don’t want to move! I really like it here, and my kids love it. Since I don’t work, nor have an education ( long story I have 3 semesters left for my RN, but he said no on school right now) I really don’t have a say. I love him, and want him happy. But at a standstill cause I don’t want to move. Our daughter is in the 5th grade and has been in 5 different school districts. I’m tired of packing up and leaving when things get tough.
It’s to the point where we are fighting about it, I’m physically getting sick over the stress of it all.
I just need advice, or help. Something. Am I being unreasonable? Am I being a brat not wanting to move? We have moved 3 times in 3 year!

[ThatwasThen]

You're not being unreasonable and he should start thinking about what all this moving is doing to his children. It's not like you have to move this time, just because he doesn't like the changes is no excuse to uproot you all again.

also, I think it's time that you got yourself into some kind of work (even if it's taking in children for a before and after school program in your district to earn a bit of extra money so you can get your degree and get making your own money. Its 2018 and women work now if they want to and if they need to in order to do what they want to do. You've been co-operative thus far. I think it's high time he did some of that. (not that my opinion matters to him).

[boltnrun]

Why does he always have to move? There's only one company where you live? Why can't he find another job in your current city?

[Halowithspikes]

Currently there is no “open positions” he doesn’t want to wait for one to open up. He wants out ASAP. There are other plants here he can wait for an opening. He is choosing not too. He is a very stubborn man.

[ThatwasThen]

Currently there is no “open positions” he doesn’t want to wait for one to open up. He wants out ASAP. There are other plants here he can wait for an opening. He is choosing not too. He is a very stubborn man.

Well, then it's time that you become a very stubborn woman and tell him that you will not be moving yourself or the children again.

It's one thing to move because he is out of work and there is an opening elsewhere, it is quite another to move just because he doesn't like the changes his employer has made. Tell him that it's best you all stay where you are and he can change jobs in the same place once something opens up. He can keep looking while living and working where he is.

Is he controlling, does he try to isolate you so that you don't have any friends, anything like that?

[boltnrun]

Is "I don't want" and "I want" a recurring theme with him?

In other words, is he only concerned with what he wants and doesn't want and does he expect his family to just follow along behind him every time he gets the whim to move?

[Halowithspikes]

Well, then it's time that you become a very stubborn woman and tell him that you will not be moving yourself or the children again.

It's one thing to move because he is out of work and there is an opening elsewhere, it is quite another to move just because he doesn't like the changes his employer has made. Tell him that it's best you all stay where you are and he can change jobs in the same place once something opens up. He can keep looking while living and working where he is.

Is he controlling, does he try to isolate you so that you don't have any friends, anything like that?

Well, with moving so much, we have no family around. I’ve also haven’t done much to really make friends LOL I spend my days at the school, I am a board member on the PTA. I also am a substitute.
I have found a few people that would love to babysit, but he won’t do it. We haven’t had a “date night” outside the house in 5 years. I’ve had other invite us to therebhouse, he just didn’t want to go. So it’s more like I’m isolating myself. I also have severe anxiety, so that doesn’t help much either.
I’m just at a loss, I really don’t know what to do or say. I’ve told him exactly how I feel. He told me a couple months ago that I had no say. The kids and I will go where ever he goes, we don’t have a choice. Granted, he “was angry and didn’t mean it” but his actions really say he did mean it. He doesn’t fight fair, he does low blows. So I try to not fight or argue cause I really don’t want to hear the low blows.
It’s really taking a tow on me, and my health to be honest. I’m 33, and have been rushed to the hospital twice in 12 months thinking heart attack. Thankfully, it was severe panic attacks mimicking heart attacks. I’m just stressed out, and he really just don’t give a crap.

[Halowithspikes]

Is "I don't want" and "I want" a recurring theme with him?

In other words, is he only concerned with what he wants and doesn't want and does he expect his family to just follow along behind him every time he gets the whim to move?

He just never seems to be happy with anything. I joke with him saying I’m shocked he kept me for so long!
We have been together for 13 years. Married 12. We have had 10 different addresses, he is also on his 9th different vehicle. Since getting out of the AF. He has had 6 jobs since 2009.
I’ve tried asking him to maybe talk with a counselor, he took offense to it, said I was blaming HIM about the problems at work. It’s not like I was BLAMING him, it was more of, a repeat occurrence and this can’t happen at every place he works at. When things get tough. He bolts.

[ThatwasThen]

So basically he is abusing you and because you have anxiety and no job related skills, you're feeling trapped. Actually, you could probably get alimony as well as child support if you were to leave him because he's the one that has basically forbidden you to work outside of the home.

I think your next move should be to leave him and take the children with you. Make that your last move. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

That being said: Do you think your husband is suffering still from his active duty? You say he left due to medical reason, was it PTSD?

Anyway, if he won't go to therapy, would his benefits cover you going so that you get help for your anxiety and maybe work on your assertivness and such so you have the strength to get your RN degree and start making your own money so he doesn't have such a hold on you?

[Halowithspikes]

So basically he is abusing you and because you have anxiety and no job related skills, you're feeling trapped. Actually, you could probably get alimony as well as child support if you were to leave him because he's the one that has basically forbidden you to work outside of the home.

I think your next move should be to leave him and take the children with you. Make that your last move. See a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

That being said: Do you think your husband is suffering still from his active duty? You say he left due to medical reason, was it PTSD?

Anyway, if he won't go to therapy, would his benefits cover you going so that you get help for your anxiety and maybe work on your assertivness and such so you have the strength to get your RN degree and start making your own money so he doesn't have such a hold on you?

I’ve been in therapy off and on for 10 years. I actually have an appointment this week to go back, in hopes that will help me cope with things.
He was medically retired for a medical problem. The medication wasn’t available over seas so he was non-deployable. The thing is, I don’t want to leave him, I love him a lot. Everything else is great. Other than this constant moving around. He promised this was our last move (TX) I just hoped it was the truth. He doesn’t keep his promises very well, but I don’t take them lightly either. So it’s more frustrating and irritating that it’s just another broken promise. He originally wanted to move back to NV, where MY family is. This is a hard NO for me. I love my family, but they are another added stress and so much drama I don’t want to be a part of. I don’t want my children around it 24/7.
I’ve had a lot people over the years saying he was abusing me, I honestly don’t see it, or maybe I’m just naive. I don’t know. He doesn’t physically abuse me. He has mentally, at times, when we do have a fight. I’ll admit to that.