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Thread: Trapped and unhappy in marriage

  1. #21
    Originally Posted by redswim30
    I'm curious. If you've been unhappy with her for years- Why did you choose to have ANOTHER child with her??
    Thanks for your reply. I didn't feel that way when we had our second child. I've been gradually feeling this way more and more over the last couple of years.

    I appreciate your other advice too - by no means do I think things will be easy, straightforward or carefree. I came onto this forum for advice because I wanted perspectives such as yours. By no means am I proud of how I feel or happy about it - I just want to work out what the best thing is to do, and how to do it.

  2. #22
    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    It sounds like you are so stressed out that you are seeking escapes. Marriage and family therapy may help you.
    Thank you, I intend to look into that.

  3. #23
    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    Marriages take work. I don't see where you really worked on this. If you did, you didn't share it. Marriage counseling, dates, etc.
    As mentioned in a previous post, I didn't write my whole relationship history in my original post for ease of reading for people like yourself - appreciate that some detail was missing. Marriage counselling has not yet been tried (we discussed it when we reconciled but never arranged it). I/we have put a lot of time into each other - dates, days out without the kids, nights away without the kids. We talk a lot about how we feel, open up to each other about a lot and have a close relationship. I can't hand on heart say I've tried everything - as I say, we haven't yet tried counselling, and I have tried to arrange counselling for myself to help me to get a handle on things, but there are huge waiting lists and/or it is prohibitively expensive. This is why I have come onto this forum, as I desperately wanted some advice from others.

  4. #24
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Why would you have another child if you felt this way?
    I didn't feel this way when I had my second child...

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  6. #25
    Originally Posted by tattoobunnie
    I have a bunch to say. But before you jump on the defensive, I am seeing a few things here based on what you are detailing and not detailing. How was your parents relationship? Are they still married? Are they happy? I feel that your complacency and turning outside of the marriage is based on what you've seen from your parents.

    After 9 years together, a spark doesn't just happen. An emotional, intimate connection doesn't just happen. You need to date (WITHOUT THE KIDS), do things together, plan overnight trips, take the initiative to make plans.

    What about do not not find attractive about your wife? Has she chose raising your kids over career? Has she put on 50 lbs, but no time to exercise? Do you help around the house or with the kids, like really help? Not like she nags you until you do it kind of help?
    I've responded to the first point in another reply - aside from counselling (individual or couple), I/we have done lots to strengthen our connection. Dates, days/nights away, making time for each other, listening to and caring for each other.

    In terms of your second point - this is the problem I have, she may have put on a little weight or whatever, but I do still think she is attractive, beautiful in fact, but I don't feel attracted to her - I want to and I wish I did and could but I can't force it. I proactively help around the house with keeping things clean and tidy, doing things with the kids (all four of us or taking them out so that my wife has a break).

    In terms of your last point - yes, clearly the issue is with me and I don't for a minute blame my wife for anything. She is amazing, beautiful, kind and thoughtful, everything that a man would want in a wife. I hate myself for feeling the way I do but I can't help it.

  7. #26
    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Soooo....you cheated on your wife and manipulated her into a separation so you can go test drive your new life with the side chic. Since that didn't work out so well, you came crawling back to "work" on your marriage, but you are still a cheater and still looking to justify that and shifting blame onto your wife for your marriage not working. So so cheater textbook 101.

    So, do your wife and kids a huge favor and go ahead and divorce. Agree to a healthy settlement, pay your child support, pay alimony and otherwise go fck whoever you want. Enjoy your freedom and leave your family out of your disordered ways. Your wife deserves at least that much from you since you can't do any better. It's a situation where everyone will be better off. Drop the "good dad" act too while you are at it. Good fathers don't go cheating on their children's mothers. You aren't fooling anyone with your bs. You aren't trapped, you are a very bad liar.
    While I accept full responsibility for my prior and current actions and feelings, I feel like you are unfairly judging me. I did not cheat on her - I ended the relationship before anything happened with anyone else. I was lucky that she took me back and I really and truly wanted to make things work - I should have made more effort in the first place and I was incredibly lucky that she gave me another chance. As I've said in other replies a short while ago, I have tried to make it work and I really want to feel the way I used to, but I don't and I can't force it.

    In terms of me being a good dad - with respect, I don't agree. While I fully admit to being a bad husband, I have loved and cared for those kids every damn day of their lives and I will until the day I die. This thread is about my relationship with my wife and while I appreciate any and all feedback or advice, I think you saying that is unfair. I wanted to make things work as much for their sake as mine and my wife's. And I want to try to resolve the situation so that my behaviour, thoughts and feelings has as little impact on them and their development as possible - I know it won't be easy, but I truly want that, and you can't tell me that I don't.

  8. #27
    Originally Posted by Purdy
    Reading this makes my heart break for your wife. There's nothing more romantic than when a woman gives her heart to a man to protect and treasure (she did this when she married you). I realize you are not attracted to her like you used to be, but instead of allowing your feelings to conclude that you "can't get it back" why not at the very least do marriage counseling so you can discuss these feelings in a neutral environment so that a third party can help BOTH of you deal with this.
    I can assure you that I feel worse for her than I do for myself - I do not want to feel this way and I do not want her to be anything other than happy. As I've said in previous posts, I am keen to go through marriage counselling - I honestly don't think it will change my feelings, but believe me I want it to.

    And yes, I understand that there is the potential for things to end and for me to be highly regretful of that - but there's a part of me that feels like, if that does happen, I would rather her be happy and get the full, unequivocal love that she deserves from another man, regardless of what happens to me.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by jackhammer84
    yes, clearly the issue is with me and I don't for a minute blame my wife for anything. She is amazing, beautiful, kind and thoughtful, everything that a man would want in a wife. I hate myself for feeling the way I do but I can't help it.
    this is in many ways what i'm dealing with in regards to my spouse. i can't understand when someone has it all but it's not good enough.

    can you expand on what it is that you're looking for, or need that's not being met? you've said she's gained some weight but you still find her beautiful although you're not attracted to her.

    is it that she is unattractive because she's safe? it's not new and exciting anymore? she doesn't meet your sexual needs? you want someone who doesn't define themselves by motherhood, but lives for other things? did she become unattractive when she became a mom?

    i've read some men are turned off by woman who consume themselves with motherhood...

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by jackhammer84
    I am keen to go through marriage counselling - I honestly don't think it will change my feelings, but believe me I want it to.

    And yes, I understand that there is the potential for things to end and for me to be highly regretful of that - but there's a part of me that feels like, if that does happen, I would rather her be happy and get the full, unequivocal love that she deserves from another man, regardless of what happens to me.
    well at least you're not being selfish about it. if you're willing to live with the consequences and let her go then at least you're not leading her on.

    this is going to be very painful for your family (wife, kids, you). but if you seriously can't see yourself living the rest of your life with her and giving her the love and support she deserves from a husband, then i guess you have your answer.

    if my husband were saying these things, perhaps it would be easier for me. the fact that he still wants to sleep with me is strange but that's my story and not relevant here.

  11. #30
    Originally Posted by Purdy
    this is in many ways what i'm dealing with in regards to my spouse. i can't understand when someone has it all but it's not good enough.

    can you expand on what it is that you're looking for, or need that's not being met? you've said she's gained some weight but you still find her beautiful although you're not attracted to her.

    is it that she is unattractive because she's safe? it's not new and exciting anymore? she doesn't meet your sexual needs? you want someone who doesn't define themselves by motherhood, but lives for other things? did she become unattractive when she became a mom?

    i've read some men are turned off by woman who consume themselves with motherhood...
    I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar with your spouse - I hope you are doing okay in your situation. I don't fully understand it myself and as I haven't yet been through any kind of counselling this is the first time I've been able to really try to 'unpack' it, so to speak.

    It's complicated because I don't think she's unattractive - yet I don't feel attracted to her any more. I get that it sounds completely contradictory! She doesn't meet my sexual needs and honestly never really has, but historically I've always loved everything else about our relationship so I have looked past it. She doesn't really consume herself with motherhood - I think she has a good balance in that respect - though I get where you're coming from with that suggestion.

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