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Thread: Trapped and unhappy in marriage

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It sounds like you are so stressed out that you are seeking escapes. Marriage and family therapy may help you.
    Originally Posted by jackhammer84
    we have two small children, aged 5 and 3. my 3-year-old, as he is on the autism spectrum and not communicating very well.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You can trade this in for something new, but there will always be an issue. Relationships are not without issues.

    So go ahead and trade this issue in for another issue. You'll find yourself in the same situation.

    Marriages take work. I don't see where you really worked on this. If you did, you didn't share it. Marriage counseling, dates, etc.

    You are no different (to a degree) than the next. 5 years in and two small children are the unsexiest along with the most challenging time of any marriage. You aren't feelin' it? Or things just got to real? That's your reason?

    At the very least do everything you can before you blow up this family unit. That way, when you marry the second time, possibly have another child, trying to blend this family while still financially supporting your previous one, dealing with ex's on both sides, you'll look back, doing a face palm wondering what the heck you were thinking. You wont look back with regret and shame that you didn't at least try.

    You are still distracted by the high you felt from your previous indiscretion and measuring your marriage based on that. Unless you want to spend the rest of your life chasing after that high (that doesn't last) I suggest you give this marriage everything you got before you decide to end it. Your kids deserve it.

  3. #13
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    Why would you have another child if you felt this way?

  4. #14
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    I have a bunch to say. But before you jump on the defensive, I am seeing a few things here based on what you are detailing and not detailing. How was your parents relationship? Are they still married? Are they happy? I feel that your complacency and turning outside of the marriage is based on what you've seen from your parents.

    After 9 years together, a spark doesn't just happen. An emotional, intimate connection doesn't just happen. You need to date (WITHOUT THE KIDS), do things together, plan overnight trips, take the initiative to make plans.

    What about do not not find attractive about your wife? Has she chose raising your kids over career? Has she put on 50 lbs, but no time to exercise? Do you help around the house or with the kids, like really help? Not like she nags you until you do it kind of help?

    To be so honest here, you will find this with any woman you wind up. All your issues don't disappear with another woman. They will always be there at the end of the day unless you address them yourself. Cuz the common denominator is you. Noticed how you had a grass is greener on the other side moment, and it still didn't make you happy? When you are unhappy and don't love yourself, it's pretty hard to be happy around and love someone else.

    I think you need to really figure out what exactly about your wife you are unhappy with, and where you are copable in this marriage.

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  6. #15
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    I disagree with "wanting to leave is enough". We all have our moments, our days, our phases (no I never wanted to "leave leave' meaning I wanted to leave for an evening, a few hours, when I was upset -and one time I did and went of all places to the local gay bookstore lol - and have I ever wanted to leave my child when things were really tough and I was exhausted? No, not "forever" but if someone told me they wanted to leave "forever" after a really hard day I wouldn't say "oh then you have to leave it means it's over). My late father I believe wanted to leave this Earth -he was suicidal - and he did not commit suicide in part because my mom was there to support and help him - but no, wanting to commit suicide didn't mean he should.

    And in a marriage with children it's worth exploring the root of things, because "wanting" can be caused by so many things. And it may be that the wanting ends up being enough and you need to separate. I cannot imagine being your wife right now knowing that a short while ago you were with someone else - and wanting to be with you intimately/sexually. And i know you said you're not attracted to her anymore but I believe it takes two -that if the vibe and energy in the house is where one person wonders when the other shoe is going to drop, when the clothes are going to drop off of you -with another woman -I cannot imagine it's an environment primed for intimacy of any sort. Please try counseling.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Soooo....you cheated on your wife and manipulated her into a separation so you can go test drive your new life with the side chic. Since that didn't work out so well, you came crawling back to "work" on your marriage, but you are still a cheater and still looking to justify that and shifting blame onto your wife for your marriage not working. So so cheater textbook 101.

    So, do your wife and kids a huge favor and go ahead and divorce. Agree to a healthy settlement, pay your child support, pay alimony and otherwise go fck whoever you want. Enjoy your freedom and leave your family out of your disordered ways. Your wife deserves at least that much from you since you can't do any better. It's a situation where everyone will be better off. Drop the "good dad" act too while you are at it. Good fathers don't go cheating on their children's mothers. You aren't fooling anyone with your bs. You aren't trapped, you are a very bad liar.

  8. #17
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Soooo....you cheated on your wife and manipulated her into a separation so you can go test drive your new life with the side chic. Since that didn't work out so well, you came crawling back to "work" on your marriage, but you are still a cheater and still looking to justify that and shifting blame onto your wife for your marriage not working. So so cheater textbook 101.

    So, do your wife and kids a huge favor and go ahead and divorce. Agree to a healthy settlement, pay your child support, pay alimony and otherwise go fck whoever you want. Enjoy your freedom and leave your family out of your disordered ways. Your wife deserves at least that much from you since you can't do any better. It's a situation where everyone will be better off. Drop the "good dad" act too while you are at it. Good fathers don't go cheating on their children's mothers. You aren't fooling anyone with your bs. You aren't trapped, you are a very bad liar.
    Agree with all of this!

    You are a crap husband and father.

  9. #18
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    Soooo....you cheated on your wife and manipulated her into a separation so you can go test drive your new life with the side chic. Since that didn't work out so well, you came crawling back to "work" on your marriage, but you are still a cheater and still looking to justify that and shifting blame onto your wife for your marriage not working. So so cheater textbook 101.

    So, do your wife and kids a huge favor and go ahead and divorce. Agree to a healthy settlement, pay your child support, pay alimony and otherwise go fck whoever you want. Enjoy your freedom and leave your family out of your disordered ways. Your wife deserves at least that much from you since you can't do any better. It's a situation where everyone will be better off. Drop the "good dad" act too while you are at it. Good fathers don't go cheating on their children's mothers. You aren't fooling anyone with your bs. You aren't trapped, you are a very bad liar.
    You know what, you are right and I'm sorry I didn't see this perspective and this side as clearly as you put it. I started to go there but needed to go further as you did.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Reinvent articulated it very well in post #12 and Wiseman headlined it. I agree with the other members also along the lines of learning to recognize where you went wrong and asking yourself what you want out of your marriage and whether you are willing to put the work into it.

    When I first married my husband it was fine. What we didn't realize were cracks in the marriage and we uncovered issues together that were previously not apparent in the relationship at all in the years prior to the marriage. It was not easy and I think all marriages or long term relationships are a work in progress. There is no shame in saying that it's a lot of work and it's not easy to keep the construct or idea of marriage and that level of commitment high and very much alive betweeen two dynamic people living their own lives. Add a child into the mix and it can become confusing quickly or weigh/influence ideas about marriage heavily while negating individual thoughts or feelings. It's important to recognize and develop your own feelings and ideas on what marriage means to you.

    Some of us have access to long term marriages or memories of marriages in our childhood or amongst elders where we have witnessed two people working things out consistently. Others have not been so lucky. My husband and I come from different backgrounds so his problem-solving approaches are different from mine. Tattoobunnie touched on some good points. Try and be willing to recognize where your strengths come from and where your weaknesses also originate. It might also be helpful to develop your ideas about what a marriage means.

    I read an old(er) article on National Affairs the other day regarding two different marriage models that have evolved through the 60s to present. I managed to find a link. You can browse through it here if you have time. [Register to see the link] . The article is called Evolution of Divorce by Brad Wilcox and it was published in the Fall 2009 issue but it's still very interesting in terms of the history of marriage and divorce, the causes, the effects of divorce and how children of divorce are affected by the dissolution of marriage. It also touches on common law marriages or cohabitation.

    I have not always been a strong proponent of marriage and I didn't come built with all the answers. I had to create my own ideas of what it means and, at times, encourage more discussions within my own marriage on what it should or could be to our family. In other words, we had to develop our ideas. It didn't come naturally. And I felt I had to test it against different ideas of what I felt was right or wrong, comfortable or uncomfortable, doable or not doable over time.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by jackhammer84
    We did to a point but before long I started to feel as described above - that deep down I didn't have that romantic/physical spark for her any more. I feel like I've really tried but I can't get it back and can't force it.
    Reading this makes my heart break for your wife. There's nothing more romantic than when a woman gives her heart to a man to protect and treasure (she did this when she married you). I realize you are not attracted to her like you used to be, but instead of allowing your feelings to conclude that you "can't get it back" why not at the very least do marriage counseling so you can discuss these feelings in a neutral environment so that a third party can help BOTH of you deal with this.

    She is the mother of your children, she trusted her heart to you, she even had patience and forgiveness for you when you explored a separation to pursue a new relationship. This woman clearly loves you, and I'm sure has struggle with her attraction to you during and probably after that separation phase.

    I don't know, I guess I have a hard time relating. Maybe you should read up on men regretting their divorce and leaving their wife to pursue "happiness". There are many people who regret divorce and realize what they had was what they set out to look for, only to return and see their wife has remarried and moved on.

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