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Is it okay to come second to the bros?


juju143

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My boyfriend and I are in a new relationship so I don't want to stress the little things. I just need some clarity and advice.

 

I've been traveling for about a month and am returning this weekend. My boyfriend offered to come pick up from the airport and help me move in to my new apartment. And voiced concerns about me being jetlagged and driving. Which was all great and amazing and made me feel happy. However, when I talked to him again about the specifics he said he overextended himself this coming weekend with friends, family, and me. He sounded very overwhelmed. I didn't want to feel like an errand or obligation so I told him to not worry about me and that I can manage on my own and we can raincheck the move-in date night. However, with his friends they didn't have any concrete plans and none of them were responding to his messages. They also had a month of hanging out and seeing each other and, I'm coming home from abroad. This also isn't the first time that i felt a little sad to come second to the bros.

 

I understand that our relationship is relatively new and him and his friends have a long history. But is it okay to feel a little hurt or am I just being overly emotional? Should I have handled the situation differently and not stepped back?

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Your post doesn’t make sense?

You went travelling for a month and the day you land you are moving into a new place???

 

From where to where?

 

He doesn’t want you driving while jet lagged? So your car is at the airport? Doesn’t make sense for someone to pick you up and leave your car there???

 

Where are you going to when you land? Your old place? Or the place you are moving into?

 

Sorry, I don’t understand your point at all?

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He prioritizes his friends over you. You'd better grow accustomed to it. Over time, question if he's worth keeping as a boyfriend since you're not first in his life. You are secondary. Give him a few more months and if he doesn't get his act together, then decide if you want to continue having a relationship with him or not.

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Your post doesn’t make sense?

You went travelling for a month and the day you land you are moving into a new place???

 

From where to where?

 

He doesn’t want you driving while jet lagged? So your car is at the airport? Doesn’t make sense for someone to pick you up and leave your car there???

 

Where are you going to when you land? Your old place? Or the place you are moving into?

 

Sorry, I don’t understand your point at all?

 

You're right. It doesn't make sense. She's willing to leave her car at the airport and pay the parking fee because her boyfriend offered to pick her up? That's nonsense.

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Sounds like you are dating a people pleaser, so this is what that looks like. He says yes to everyone, friends, you, fam, etc. Then he finds himself in a situation where he can't actually be in ten places at the same time.

 

Anyway, he didn't prioritize bros over you. You actually opted to step back because he sounded tired and overextended. He didn't cancel his plans with you, YOU did that to yourself. Now you resent him over your own choice to step back and cancel? Sorry but you are the one playing games here and messing about. You don't get to blame other people for your own choices, actions, and decisions. He didn't ask you to step back, he didn't cancel on you. You did. Get your head screwed on straight and don't blame your bf or his friends.

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He told you he would do something, then went back on his word. This is your future with this guy. You can act on this red flag, or not.

 

Yep. It makes no sense to offer to do something--for anyone--only to back out last minute. That's a lousy character trait regardless of who he ditches his commitments in favor of.

 

You didn't ask for a favor, he offered. So how will you be able to trust that this guy will stand by his 'offers' going forward? Observe carefully.

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Yep. It makes no sense to offer to do something--for anyone--only to back out last minute. That's a lousy character trait regardless of who he ditches his commitments in favor of.

 

You didn't ask for a favor, he offered. So how will you be able to trust that this guy will stand by his 'offers' going forward? Observe carefully.

 

Except that he didn't back out. OP cancelled.

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Not sure why you’re being questioned about your car; I highly doubt anyone would drive themselves to the airport and leave their car parked in the airport lot for an entire month while abroad.

 

So I am going to presume you got a lift to the airport, your boyfriend offered to pick you up, which was thoughtful but then discovered he over-extended himself and is in a bit of a scheduling jam and overwhelmed.

 

I can definitely relate! As that has happened to me many times too. And all my boyfriends were very understanding, none of them took it personally, or accused me of prioritizing my friends or anything else over him.

 

Those thoughts are the thoughts of a very very insecure person imo.

 

Anyway, had this been me, I probably would have done same as you except I would NOT be hurt or resented him for it later.

 

That’s what we do when we’re in relationships, we make concessions and remain open and flexible when s*** like this happens.

 

Why? Because to me it’s not a big deal to get another ride home, and if it would ease the burden of shyt going on with my bf that day, I am happy to do it.

 

And have, and all my boyfriends have appreciated it! Just as I have appreciated it from them.

 

As far as his bros, how do you know he is opting to be with his friends, instead of you?

 

He told you he overextended himself with friends and family (and you).

 

That said, please explain about this "move-in date," you started off being hurt because he's not picking you up from airport (even though you were the one who told him to not worry about it), but did you have an actual date planned that night?

 

I reserve comment about that until you clarify, thanks!

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Okay so I am reading this differently from some others.

 

Op wrote:

 

However, when I talked to him again about the specifics he said he overextended himself this coming weekend with friends, family, and me. He sounded very overwhelmed. I didn't want to feel like an errand or obligation so I told him to not worry about me and that I can manage on my own and we can raincheck the move-in date night.

 

He did not cancel their plans, make plans with his "bros" and blow her off, he told her he had overextended and was feeling overwhelmed.

 

After which, the OP herself was the one who told him not to worry about picking her up; how is that him cancelling plans and blowing her off?

 

Not only that, but from that some people deem him inconsiderate, unreliable, not interested in her. SMH

 

These are all assumptions of course based on the fact he overextended and felt overwhelmed, which has happened to me (a lot!), and no doubt has happened to all of us at one time or another.

 

As I said, I would have done same cause again that's what you do in relationships imo, you make concessions and remain flexible when shyt happens.

 

Your partner will appreciate it as mine have and vice versa.

 

In any event, why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Instead of jumping to all these assumptions that he intentionally blew her off to be with friends, he's unreliable, not interested.

 

I just don't understand that mindset.

 

JMO.

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He was a little misleading but you were cool as a cucumber. I think your underlying issue is how committed either of you are in a relationship. I'd invite him over for dinner, spend more time together as a couple and see where you go from there.

 

I don't think it's a good idea to jump the gun on any conclusions in your first few days back home. I'm sure you have more than enough to think about. Come back to this with a clearer head and a less unsettled feeling. It might help your approach.

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I can only assume that you were hoping for some enthusiasm and in return was met with someone who seemed to be struggling with prioritizing seeing his girlfriend after being gone a month. I get that. You were probably excited to see him and he didn't share the enthusiasm. (at least in your opinion)

 

There is an unwritten rule in relationships, that if you say you are ok with something, then you have to own it. You can't go back and get worked up about it and you work at putting it behind you.

 

If you are honest with yourself, did you do it to test him hoping he'd insist on coming and getting you?

 

Does this kinda thing happen often? Do you feel he like you are on a list of many other things he'd rather be doing? Because if not, then just let it go.

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Something I have learned throughout the years in all my relationships is that there will be times when I am not going to be the priority that day, and that's OK!!

 

There will be times when my boyfriend won't be either.

 

JMO but for anyone to expect to be their partner's priority, 24/7, 365 days a year is going to be mightily disappointed.

 

Life happens and it can get overwhelming sometimes. I often become super stressed trying to maintain it all -- work, family, friends even boyfriends!

 

Sometimes that means taking us away from the things and people that matter most and breaking plans.

 

And I think as partners, it's up to us to be understanding of that, and again remain open and flexible.

 

I echo reinvent; OP how are you feeling in this relationship in general?

 

Do you feel off balance, insecure, and less of a priority most of the time?

 

If so, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate the relationship cause frankly I don't see this as an egregious offense at all, in fact on the scale of things you should be upset about, this is pretty low.

 

He overextended on life, was feeling overwhelmed, you graciously offered to take him picking you up off his plate, which not hearing his side, I am sure he very much appreciated.

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Okay so I am reading this differently from some others.

 

Op wrote:

 

However, when I talked to him again about the specifics he said he overextended himself this coming weekend with friends, family, and me. He sounded very overwhelmed. I didn't want to feel like an errand or obligation so I told him to not worry about me and that I can manage on my own and we can raincheck the move-in date night.

 

He did not cancel their plans, make plans with his "bros" and blow her off, he told her he had overextended and was feeling overwhelmed.

 

After which, the OP herself was the one who told him not to worry about picking her up; how is that him cancelling plans and blowing her off?

 

Not only that, but from that some people deem him inconsiderate, unreliable, not interested in her. SMH

 

These are all assumptions of course based on the fact he overextended and felt overwhelmed, which has happened to me (a lot!), and no doubt has happened to all of us at one time or another.

 

As I said, I would have done same cause again that's what you do in relationships imo, you make concessions and remain flexible when shyt happens.

 

Your partner will appreciate it as mine have and vice versa.

 

In any event, why not give him the benefit of the doubt? Instead of jumping to all these assumptions that he intentionally blew her off to be with friends, he's unreliable, not interested.

 

I just don't understand that mindset.

 

JMO.

 

Then, he should have kept the time open for her. There was no need for him to tell her these things, if he did not want to get out of his commitment.

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Alright, a couple things:

 

1. She was the one traveling and hence precluding their being together. I'm not sure where so many people dig up some sense of entitlement wherein they're the cause for the separation yet their partner should be the one to adjust their social plans to make way for His / Her majesty's return. She's not coming home from Afghanistan. I highly doubt she was on a professional trip for his financial benefit. Sorry, but if it's convenient, it's convenient. If it's not, there's always tomorrow. My now wife and I travel quite frequently and often separately whether for personal or business reasons. Back when we weren't living together, if one of us was flying in when the other was bogged down with social plans and obligations, no big deal. We were fine winding down on our own after a flight. In fact, more than fine with it. See ya first thing the next day.

 

2. I actually agree that him griping about his packed schedule was a passive way of feeling out how important him picking her up was, and if she was OK enough with getting herself home to where she'd volunteer it, then she's not being put out any more than any responsible adult coming home from traveling would be, and he's got a bit of breathing room. So what? Nothing he's said or done has caused her any undue burden. Unless there's some history of him consequently being resentful which the OP hasn't divulged, she was completely free to continue to look forward to him picking her up without consequence. If she were really feeling guilty about being a burden, she could have simply suggested meeting up with her at her place that night, and that she'd spare him the round to and from the airport. She's the only one suggesting to call the whole day off. Though I'll admit that unless you're actually sharing a car, the whole expectation of getting picked up is its own eye-roll worthy concept to me.

 

A lot of stink over a lady driving herself home and not being able to see her boyfriend until *gasp* the next day... after she was the reason they couldn't see each other for a month. Not that I'm saying that puts her at fault for anything, but I'm certainly not gonna turn around and fault him for not accommodating that fact. I swear folks are straight clowning on here sometimes.

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Alright, a couple things:

 

1. She was the one traveling and hence precluding their being together. I'm not sure where so many people dig up some sense of entitlement wherein they're the cause for the separation yet their partner should be the one to adjust their social plans to make way for His / Her majesty's return. She's not coming home from Afghanistan. I highly doubt she was on a professional trip for his financial benefit. Sorry, but if it's convenient, it's convenient. If it's not, there's always tomorrow. My now wife and I travel quite frequently and often separately whether for personal or business reasons. Back when we weren't living together, if one of us was flying in when the other was bogged down with social plans and obligations, no big deal. We were fine winding down on our own after a flight. In fact, more than fine with it. See ya first thing the next day.

 

2. I actually agree that him griping about his packed schedule was a passive way of feeling out how important him picking her up was, and if she was OK enough with getting herself home to where she'd volunteer it, then she's not being put out any more than any responsible adult coming home from traveling would be, and he's got a bit of breathing room. So what? Nothing he's said or done has caused her any undue burden. Unless there's some history of him consequently being resentful which the OP hasn't divulged, she was completely free to continue to look forward to him picking her up without consequence. If she were really feeling guilty about being a burden, she could have simply suggested meeting up with her at her place that night, and that she'd spare him the round to and from the airport. She's the only one suggesting to call the whole day off. Though I'll admit that unless you're actually sharing a car, the whole expectation of getting picked up is its own eye-roll worthy concept to me.

 

A lot of stink over a lady driving herself home and not being able to see her boyfriend until *gasp* the next day... after she was the reason they couldn't see each other for a month. Not that I'm saying that puts her at fault for anything, but I'm certainly not gonna turn around and fault him for not accommodating that fact. I swear folks are straight clowning on here sometimes.

 

Then, he should never have offered. He was the one who initiated picking her up and helping her out. If I offer to do something for someone, you can bet I will follow through and not make other plans. It is inconsiderate and flaky.

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Then, he should never have offered. He was the one who initiated picking her up and helping her out. If I offer to do something for someone, you can bet I will follow through and not make other plans. It is inconsiderate and flaky.

 

Ideally you are right, he should not have but again shyt happens sometimes that's out of our control, and as I said as partners we should all try and be understanding of that.

 

There is no evidence (from what I've read) that he intentionally blew her off because he'd rather be with friends, if that was posted somewhere I missed it.

 

Anyway, maybe I am more understanding of it because I've experienced it myself, told my bf I would do something, be somewhere, and have something happen or found myself overextended, and had to break the date.

 

My boyfriends have understood (assuming we've been together a long time and TRUST has been developed).

 

I mean what's the alternative, her giving him shyt about it? Causing drama? How is that going to resolve anything?

 

Of course, if it happens often, then that's worth addressing.

 

But if it's a "one off" my advice is to let it go.

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Ideally you are right, he should not have but again shyt happens sometimes that's out of our control, and as I said as partners we should all try and be understanding of that.

 

There is no evidence (from what I've read) that he intentionally blew her off because he'd rather be with friends, if that was posted somewhere I missed it.

 

Anyway, maybe I am more understanding of it because I've experienced it myself, told my bf I would do something, be somewhere, and have something happen or found myself overextended, and had to break the date.

 

My boyfriends have understood (assuming we've been together a long time and TRUST has been developed).

 

I mean what's the alternative, her giving him shyt about it? Causing drama? How is that going to resolve anything?

 

Of course, if it happens often, then that's worth addressing.

 

But if it's a "one off" my advice is to let it go.

 

I am simply saying that he should have followed through on his word. The feeling that I get from this, is this is not the first time that this has happened.

Unless it is work or an emergency, I always follow through, and don't make other plans. People know they can rely on me. I don't deal well with flaky people. I am not implying that you are flaky.

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