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Thread: Need help moving on

  1. #1
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    Need help moving on

    Ok so I posted here twice and basically after everything that happened with my first love... EVERYONE says there is no way of getting her back. But regardless of the fact that there is no hope, is this a relationship I would have wanted? Would marriage have fixed this?

    Pros
    First love/kiss
    Most beautiful girl
    I flew to meet her 3 times in Brazil/ she came to NY to visit my family
    I got along with her family in Brazil
    We both want to live in Israel (I am moving away from my family to follow this dream)
    I love her accent/voice
    I love cute things she does
    She makes me cute presents
    She always cries when I go to the airport
    We are both religious
    She is happy with simple things in life
    She is very honest and smart

    Cons
    Her family fights all the time over small things
    Her parents are divorced because her mom hit her and her father hit the mom for hitting her
    Her mom yelled at me for texting her "Have a great Sabbath" too close to the Sabbath
    Then for texting her too early before Sabbath
    They said I only buy her love (even though I mad her so many presents and I was always there for her)
    Every discussion or argument with my ex went to her family and they got involved and yelled at me
    My ex and her family always doubted me on everything I did for her (getting my Brazilian Visa, the shots, coming to Brazil each time, moving to Israel)
    Her mom constantly called me lazy because I was freelancing for a few months to make money and build a portfolio (I also got into Harvard so not SO lazy)
    My ex would get angry at small jokes- which is bad because I have a stupid sense of humor

    Now when things got bad:
    She accidentally showed her 'religious' mom a video in which I pulled my pants down and her mom saw my d***. The video wasn't sexual... more because she asked me to shave down there. We never even had sex. But the mom told everyone in her family and her brother called me a "pervert" "sex demon" He said "May all the curses come to you" "Be afraid to cross the street because God is angry" "You don't keep up with my s*** with religion" "We all know about your " The father said he wouldn't speak to me if I came to Brazil. Then they started being really bad to her. They didn't go to her final college project. They ignored her on her birthday. They called her a disgrace to her name.... We never had sex! I would be KILLED if I spoke to my sister's boyfriends like that!

    On her birthday they were shunning her. I was in NY, but I called all of her friends to make a surprise for her and I paid for them to get a cake for her. They celebrated outside of her apartment because they weren't allowed in.. because her parents were still mad about the thing. Then I was on the phone comforting her for hours. I wrote a two paragraph post on her FB wall taking about how great she is... but when I called... her mom was scream laughing about how the long post didn't have the words "I Love you" My GF was also mad about that... Is that normal? Her mom didn't post anything until a week later.

    Then her family started ignoring me for a few months. I sent so many messages for peace. My ex told me that they were making fun of my weight gain.... Then she asked me if I ever sexually assaulted a girl because her uncle feels people energies... and I apparently molested a girl... I had to convince her of how stupid that was.

    I ended up doing stupid things to try to make her parents treat her better and they found out. (Anonymous Rabbi email to her father saying to treat your children better) They knew it was me.
    My ex became very angry at what I did and said things like
    "I am better than you. My parents are right about you"
    "You are just afraid you won't find someone else"
    "You are so stupid"
    "You are so lazy. You are a rich American and a lot of your talent comes from your daddy funding you ideas"
    I told her I was depressed and she told me to "go cry to your parents or therapist"
    I told her I wasn't sleeping and she said that "I am sick of you"
    I was leaving my family and I was going to move to Brazil to make peace with her family and then move to Israel with them and she told me "I am not gonna wait for you forever"

    We broke up because I asked someone I thought knew them to send her mom a message to treat her daughter better... but the message was really nasty. I don't know why I did that. I don't know why. Just lack of sleep and depression. Then she broke up with me and blocked me on everything. Her mom messaged me a photo of when we were together and she said I am too fat and her daughter prefers skinnier men....

    It seems like she is taking the breakup much better than I am. Just please tell me I should be glad its over because I am not. I wish I was.
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    Last edited by aydenkk90; 08-20-2019 at 08:16 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    My advice remains the same : [Register to see the link]
    This is the biggest "con" on the list:
    Originally Posted by aydenkk90
    regardless of the fact that there is no hope

  3. #3
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    No, marriage would not have "fixed this".

  4. #4
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    But maybe they treated me like that because I was the "boyfriend". Once married, why be bad to me?

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  6. #5
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    Originally Posted by aydenkk90
    But maybe they treated me like that because I was the "boyfriend". Once married, why be bad to me?
    Has she told you recently she wants to marry you?

    No, getting married would not be some kind of insurance against bad treatment. Why would you think it would be?

  7. #6
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    We were planning on when to get engaged. After the breakup she said that if we had gotten married, they would have learned to respect me. That really got to me

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Issues (if any) are usually amplified over time especially after marriage/kids. They don't resolve easily. None of this situation is healthy but you seem obsessed about her, the idea of Israel and the concept of family (two concepts separate from the relationship).

    I would go back to your idea of Israel and this concept of family and try and uncover why this place is important to you and why you feel her family is important to you after they have showed how unimportant you are to them.

    I feel like you have unresolved emotions regarding this place and it's bundled into the way you're unable to separate the relationship from the idea or prospect of moving to Israel which you've described as your dream. You seem to also have latched onto the concept of family (her family in particular) because you may not have strong bonds with your own family in the US or wherever your own family resides. I feel like your self-esteem is low and you're digging yourself into a deeper hole.

    It might be a good idea to go back to your therapist and unpack your ideas of this country and its significance to you (your personal dream to move) and what your ideals are regarding family. You will not be able to see clearly how unhealthy this relationship is if you aren't able to separate the relationship from those two other concepts.

    You might also want to recognize that you are an independent entity and you are empowered to move regardless of this relationship and develop a healthy concept of family and create a family of your own beyond this relationship (not involving this woman who doesn't want to be with you). In other words, your dream lives on beyond the relationship. Try and explore those ideas and go from there.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to stop spamming, harassing and annoying these people. Leave her and her people alone.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by aydenkk90
    We were planning on when to get engaged. After the breakup she said that if we had gotten married, they would have learned to respect me. That really got to me
    It probably wouldn't have made any difference.

    I get that she said back then she would marry you. But that was BACK THEN. You don't currently have plans to marry.

    How much time do you want to spend on what ifs and regrets and rumination? I can't imagine torturing yourself like this is enjoyable. Or is it?

  11. #10
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    If either you or she thought marriage would solve these problems, then boy, would ever have been in for a rude awakening. You both have an unrealistic idea of marriage if bought into that notion.

    And regardless, that's no longer on the table. She isn't interested anymore and you would be best not to continue dwelling on the what-ifs.

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