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Thread: Not sure what to do

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Aug 2019
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    Not sure what to do

    My question is two fold...My best friend and i have a familial type relationship. Ive watched her hit bottom when her drinking was bad, dragged her to her first AA meeting, and watched her get sober (2.5 years now). Im the only strong relationship she has outside of AA. She also has bipolar disorder and ive seen her through mania and deep depression. We live together and we live like a family but have recently run into an issue. She is so deeply entrenched in 12 step that whenever i have an issue, she approaches it through that lens and gets frustrated with me when im not completely on board or i dont understand what she means. So much of aa is forcing herself to look at her personal defects and seeing her role in things, so alot of the time, if im sad she talks to me like im her sponsee when i really just want some empathy and comfort. Im also noticing that if its not a meeting or service commitment or fellowshiping with people in the rooms, she has little interest and I sometimes feel shut out of her life. I sometimes wonder if its possible for AA to become somewhat of an addiction itself. Is that a baseless concern? In addition, she had an issue with weightlifting before drinking became an issue. She was going to the gym 2-3 times a day and it became unhealthy. Now she is lifting again and also training to be a personal trainer. She only goes once a day but i can see her becoming obsessed. Should i be concerned that its becoming a replacement addiction? And should i say anything?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You need to step back and not be her therapist. Whatever it takes her for to remain sober is her business whether you like it or not. Just don't engage or micromanage this much. If you are just roommates then maintain your own friends, interests and dating life. You are too over enmeshed and need to pull back.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    I agree with Wiseman's comments. That is also a lot to take on as a friend. As a person living with her, you may have bit off more than you can chew. More than ever, you should be finding helpful and healthy ways to redirect your focus and engage in 'time outs' away from this friendship or worrying over her. You share a living space and this can be tricky so try to be mindful and more present when you are spending time on your own interests or with other people.

    I also think you're looking to her for support as you would with any other friend but this friendship isn't at that level yet while she's still dealing with her addictions. Your expectations may be unrealistic. It's healthy to develop other friendships.


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