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Thread: Heartbroken at 39

  1. #1
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Heartbroken at 39

    I am so glad to see this forum. I could use some support during this hard time. I am going through a breakup now, its only been a few weeks and I can see that we are not the right pairing, but my grief is large, as it is everytime I go through a breakup. This one is harder not because of the man I loved, but because I am 39 turning 40 soon and at this age, having gone through way too many breakups including a divorce, I have never felt so afraid. I am meditating many times a day and embracing what I am feeling, but I am scared this is my last chance. it was a very loving relationship but we seem to want differnet things in life, but ultimately when it got strained, he gave up on me and on us and now I see, on himself. I know I need a stronger human in my life, but I could use some support in knowing that people find love after their mid 30s and into their 40s. I am sad bc this was probably my last chance with children, but that i am ok with. I am more upset that when I have to date again, Ill have to enter swipe culture of online dating and men seeing women my age as old news. I am trying to stay positive but also stay with my emotions to work through them, but feeling very sad about being so old and needing to date in the future. Really could use some wisdom and encouragement. I am doing the hard work and I know after all of this healing, I will be a stronger, braver, more enlightened person for it, but while in the storm, I feel pretty depressed by it today. thank you for the words in advance, you might be saving me today from despair. I am just in so much pain.
    Last edited by gooseduck; 08-20-2019 at 04:49 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I am a few years older than you and yes, every time I was grieving the end of a relationship I thought it was my last chance at love.

    20's 40's and yes 50's. But every single time someone showed up and I loved again.

    It's the grief talking. Don't listen to it.
    You will love again.

    In the meantime, be good to yourself.

    Read around here and you'll find some 20 year old thinking they'll never love again too.

  3. #3
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Thank you so much for that. I know my grief is taking over, but your words are helpful to hear that others have found love regardless of age, I think I need to keep hearing this from others, so thank you for your words.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. How long were you dating? What was the breakup about?
    Originally Posted by gooseduck
    I I am 39 turning 40 soon and at this age, having gone through way too many breakups including a divorce

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  6. #5
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    we were together about 1.5 years. He has moved out but his stuff is here till he finds a permanent place. He was my best friend and I had instant community with him (his friends adopted me into their family) and so I am grieving that too. But each day the fears reveal themselves for me to be mindful about and sit with. It is hard to go through a break up with a best friend, because you know what that means, we got along really well, had fun together, supported each other, talked endlessly, but during a very busy season I was under a lot of stress and that strain hit us hard, we didnt know how to communicate during times of stress and he started to feel he was going into a depression. He gave up on us and on me, and I didnt have the time to nurture our unstable relationship. We didnt have enough time to build a solid foundation and ultimately, I want to go to graduate school even though I am too old and he wants to just be near his friends of family and lead a more simple life. He did what he had to because he said he was shutting down, maybe my situation was too heavy for him to handle, but I am sad he wasnt strong enough to endure as my busy season is now winding down. He had fears and instead of facing them he ran away and that is heartbreaking and also an indicator that I need more resiliency in a relationship. I know its the right decision, but I am today feeling so sad that maybe I dont have the energy to date online and swipe through hundreds of men. That I wont find my forever person at this age. I know its irrational, but its what is saddening me today.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by gooseduck
    I know its the right decision, but I am today feeling so sad that maybe I dont have the energy to date online and swipe through hundreds of men. That I wont find my forever person at this age. I know its irrational, but its what is saddening me today.
    I am sorry things turned out the way they did.

    It's still very early, so do yourself a favor and put the thought of dating out of your mind for the time being. It's a difficult time and you are needlessly making it worse by doing so.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear about the pain, the heartache.

    This is going to sound strange, perhaps, but my gut response in reading your post is that you sound like you're doing great. Depressed, scared, uncertain, reeling, grieving—yes, all that too, of course. And for that: hugs. Been in your shoes more than once, including at just about your age, and it is truly astonishing how no amount of life experience can change the shape of the pain, or soften it.

    That said, your self-awareness and self-compassion are evident, and inspiring. You seem accepting of the reality of the disconnect triggering this juncture—the place where you plus him did not equal quite what either of you needed—while also being aware that moving through this chapter is the road to a stronger and braver you, a you even more tuned in to yourself. And, as result, when the time is right, more open to a connection that serves you. That's a lot of grace, right there.

    I'm a month away from turning 40, ended a 3 year relationship a little over two years ago. Can't sugarcoat those early months, since they were pretty awful. I was aware that I had more wisdom about the whole thing than I'd had in the past, and that wisdom probably helped me not make certain choices I'd made in the past, like drawing things out or staying overly connected. Still, that wisdom didn't negate the hurt—and, yeah, being in my late 30s compounded it all a bit.

    Was I done? Had I missed my chance? Was I old? I certainly felt old, older than I'd ever felt, as if the emotional pain triggered some kind of latent arthritis, turned more hairs gray, introduced a wrinkle or two to my face. At more than one juncture I was pretty convinced I knew what was in store for me for the next 40 years: solitude, remorse, a hardened heart while the rest of the world went about the business of connecting, loving.

    In a word: Ooof.

    Good news? I'd say six months out I fell in love again, with a person I'd known for a long time but hadn't been able to fully appreciate. That person? That's me. Self-reflection opened some doors I hadn't walked through and, while it took a bit for the eyes to adjust, I came to really like what I was seeing. Parts of me I wasn't ready to see—and, by extension, wasn't ready to share. I was still sad, still reeling, but I was also very much aware that I was going through something important, shedding some kind of husk that would both strengthen me and open me. I kind of leaned into all that, learned from it, found genuine comfort and humility in healing. In time it was really hard for me to be so torn up about it all—the past, what the future may or may not have in store—because the present was pretty rich.

    Eight months ago I met someone. Won't bore you with the details, save to say: love, it happened, is happening, and I'm so very appreciative of it. It doesn't feel like a reward for past pain, or really a reward for anything, save for continuing to stay engaged in the business of living. It feels as new and precious as any love I've felt—more new, more precious, truth be told—and I think that has to do with having gotten in touch with those hidden chambers of myself so they can be seen, and shared with the right person, at the right pace.

    I'm not special, just a person, going through what people go through. Which is to say: there is more in store for you, including love, than you know. I recognize that may be a hard thing to believe right now, so at least know that this random internet stranger believes it, about you.

  9. #8
    Gold Member SarahLancaster's Avatar
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    Sweetie, I found the love of my life when I was in my 50s. Don't settle.

  10. #9
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Hi bluecastle,

    Incredible. Thank you for sharing all that. This is why I am on here. I am so honored to hear about your experiences and what unfolded for you. I know that the hard work is still to come and I welcome it because I recognize what it can open up in me to love in the future. Thank you for sharing the rawness of the situation so that I dont feel so alone in this. Thank you for being brave enough to sort it all out for the best kind of life. That was a big difference between me and my ex, I am willing to face and wrestle with the heaviness of life and all that it has to offer and though he tried, eventually he wanted to put a palliative bandaid on the suffering and hard work, by saying this is too hard. I am really grateful to hear that at this age of late 30s early 40s, it is just like any other age and that people who do the hard internal work are bound to find love (or thats what I am going to believe is the consensus!). In the future, I look forward to saying "eight months ago I met someone," and I'll be inspired thinking back on how a perfect stranger was so generous with his words and in believing in me. Thank you for lifting my spirits under these trying times. You are a blessing.

  11. #10
    Member gooseduck's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SarahLancaster
    Sweetie, I found the love of my life when I was in my 50s. Don't settle.
    Oh thank you for sharing. How incredible and special that must be.

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